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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2014 - One Week Challenge  ›  The God Squad - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde, dabrast
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  Author    The God Squad - OWC  (currently 3790 views)
Don
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 6:34pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The God Squad by Deus - Short - A mysterious time traveler saves one of the richest men in the world from a $35 billion dollar divorce settlement when he brings the mogul back in time to erase the marriageÉbut there is another price to pay.  - pdf, format


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CoopBazinga
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 9:13pm Report to Moderator
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I’m not sure what to make of this? A time travel type agency helps rich guys, or in fact destroys them and takes over their lives – I have to admit to being quite puzzled by this one.

Maybe Rex falls in love with Veronica and that’s the deal changer here but you need to make that a lot clearer – other than one conversation, they didn’t interact much and I didn’t see the chemistry if there was supposed to be some.

It’s a shallow story really, set in luxurious places with extravagant vehicles (A mile-long limo – literally!?) but I wasn’t sure what the meaning of it all was? Even the protag wasn’t really a nice guy – I mean there’s one thing like Robin Hood, taking from the rich to help the poor, but this guy takes over his life for himself seemingly.

And then his boss or the guy watching just shakes and smiles at the situation like this happens every week – time change doesn’t really matter in this world obviously.

Other scenes are thrown in for reasons I can only imagine is to make Preston hated so his demise is looked at as okay, like with his uncle Sy – why would anybody want to go back and see that?

Sorry but this one wasn’t for me, but don’t despair as it could be more down to me not understanding the true theme of this one – it probably just went over my head.

On the brightside, the writing was fine, some little niggles but nothing worth writing home about – this story just lacked focus IMO, or I missed something.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: January 11th, 2014, 10:04pm Report to Moderator
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A brief bone or two to pick with this. I'm NOT a huge fan of shorthand abbreviations. Everyone has thier peeves. I have mine. In this case, LIMO should be limousine, at least in the header. Same thing goes for 2nd instead of second also in a header.

Speaking of the headers - "EXT. AERIAL TRACKING OF LIMO" If you wrote 'view' instead of tracking, I eouldn't make much of a stingy fuss. But you wrote 'tracking'. That makes all the difference in the world. Guess what that is? A tracking shot. So you have a camera direction in the header.  

Yes, there is a bit of exposition where Rex breaks the fourth wall. Not sure why he does this, a VO would be suffice.

Time Travelers protecting the rich is interesting - I'll give you that. But I'm curious as to what point does it really serve? Lots of exposition but...I was out by page four when you announce to me in all caps


Quoted Text
BUT SOMETHING DOESN�T SEEM QUITE RIGHT WITH THE PICTURE


I'll take your word for it.


This didn't do much for mer. Sorry.


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DustinBowcot
Posted: January 12th, 2014, 4:35am Report to Moderator
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Yet another voice over. What is it with voice overs and time travel stories? There's also no age for the prtoag. Does it matter if I see him as 90?

Ah man. This one is bad. The thing is, I can hear a writer's voice in this, it just sounds young, maybe even naive. I don't like it. You write well enough I think, even though I only got to page 3...

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DustinBowcot  -  January 12th, 2014, 4:49pm
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Dreamscale
Posted: January 12th, 2014, 4:23pm Report to Moderator
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As I go...

Writing isn't great right out fo the gate...but not terrible either.  Grammar and punctuation lacking.  Unflilmables, passages not broken up corectly.

Not liking the V.O. and it's not technically formatted or written correctly.

Slugs poorly done.

Page 2 - too much V.O., but Rex definitely does have a voice, so good job on that.

Very large scale of scenes and costly items, and I appreciate all of that.  Maybe just too much here, though.

Why is Rex speaking directly to the camera?  You're losing me...

Page 4 - The asides are taking their toll and I'm teetering on stopping...which will be my first incomplete read in about 7 or so.

Page 6 - Still with it, but the dialogue sounds very immature now and unrealistic.  I actually like the premise, but you're not quite pulling it off, sorry to say.

Page 7 - Some passive writing, some unfilmable writing, too much voice for me and I'm teetering on stopping again.

Flashback not handled properly.  No ages given either for the "young" characters.

Page 9 - It's just not working the way it should, because, again, you have a great premise here and even some intriguing characters, but your voice is too much and your dialogue sounds like it's written by someone very young who just doesn't know better.  I'm going to stick it out though, as I do want to find out how it ends up.

Page 10 - "DINNING ROOM" - "DINING ROOM"

That long wrylie looks terrible and isn't necessary.

These odd Mini SLugs beginning with "BACK" are a real nuisance and are ruining the script.  If you're truly intending on going back and forth between scenes, you need to set each scene - you can't simply have dialogue taking place.  Poorly done and it's taking its toll on your script.

Page 12 - No need for these transitions either.  Too bad your script is so littered with things that can be so annoying.

Page 15 - Ah, man, seriously?  Another 4th wall being broke?  Why?  Why?

This is a tough one to review, as there are SO MANY POSITIVES, but loads of negatives that are so easy to correct..not even correct, you just shouldn't attempt some of these.

Great premise, great attention to detail (at times), globe trotting, big set pieces, lots of cool stuff, and an ultra giant budget.  I even like your characters the more I think about them, but, I don't think your logic quite works here and the finale ends a little weak, IMO.

BUT, I have to say that I'm impressed yet again with another strong, well thought out take on time travel.
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Guest
Posted: January 12th, 2014, 4:47pm Report to Moderator
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Why do you bold characters in the intro?  Definitely took me out of the read right from the gate as I'm stopping to think about why you chose this particular format instead of focusing on your story.

Lots of talking... and more VO.

Like I said in another thread, leave the VO to Martin Scorsese.


--Steve
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nawazm11
Posted: January 13th, 2014, 12:32am Report to Moderator
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Well, the first paragraph makes no sense. Like vanish into thin air? It's the little details that help. Not very visual.

What's with the random space in the dialogue?

Is that a five line single sentence? Split that stuff up, I've read it twice and already forgotten what it all said.

"BUT SOMETHING DOESN’T SEEM QUITE RIGHT WITH THE PICTURE" Why is this in caps? What picture?

Finished. Didn't like the fourth wall stuff, took away from the script since it made the whole thing comical. You usually see these in satires but this wasn't really making fun of anything. Problem was that Rex came across as much of a douche as Preston, and then that ending doesn't really help with his cause either.

The God Squad thing made no sense at all and feels like an afterthought really. It's just ditched halfway through. No clue what Jacob was doing there and who he was. I don't even know how the 3.5 billion dollar can be transferred into his account, it's just too high of a sum, correct me if I'm wrong. The time travel angle of him repeating Preston's life again didn't make much sense either, why not, I dunno, start your own company instead of living through decades to be bankrupt in the end. I didn't really understand that part either. A lot of stuff just went over my head.

Needs work.
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rendevous
Posted: January 13th, 2014, 1:04am Report to Moderator
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Decided to have a look at these OWCs seeing as the topic was quite good. I'm sure everybody will avoid Terminator, Looper and Primer scenarios .

Strange, never noticed they all end in 'er' type endings. Apart from the former. Ah, I find myself babbling. At least I didn't have to go to India to do it.

So, on to the God Squad. A group I normally try to avoid like the plague.

I don't like bold text in scripts. Each their own, and all that.

The vanishes thing caught me unawares as I thought at first he just moved away fast. Then I caught on.
I quite like the premise, seems unusual from the few I've glanced at so far.

I was a little lost in parts, and some of it could do with a polish.

Unlike some, I don't have a problem with V.O.. I quite liked some of the asides and comments. It suited the style of script.

Some quite good ideas here, rather different from those I've seen so far.

Overall, it could do with a trim, but there's rarely a script that couldn't.  Pretty enjoyable and made me smile in the end.


Out Of Character - updated


New Used Car

Green

Right Back

The Deuce - OWC - now on STS

Other scripts here
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SAC
Posted: January 13th, 2014, 9:12am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Hey Writer,

And so we see that Rex is just as ruthless as Preston. This piece didnt turn out the way I was expecting. Honestly, I don't know what I was expecting. But the twist you have here kind of leaves me rolling my eyes. I guess I felt that Prestin should have gotten his comeuppance at the end, and in more dramatic fashion seeing as he was this large prick. But just a shove in front of a car, and that's it? Just doesn't work for me, sorry to say.

Oh, and breaking the fourth wall doesn't --really doesn't-- work for me either. This just wasnt for me. But congrats on getting an entry in!

Steve


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: January 13th, 2014, 9:55am Report to Moderator
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This was nicely written but I didn't really buy the story. If this God Squad existed and had the powers these guys have, they wouldn't need to do any deals to earn money or go through all that to take over someone's life. They could jump through time, find out what they needed and then just do what they wanted.

The VO's and the 4th wall didn't bother me really, what I couldn't understand was why Rex needed to approach Preston and offer him a deal at all? I like the idea of Situational Engineers and would have liked to have seen this more at play but all we have is Rex learning personal details about his life, wife and then killing him off so he can take over.

If it is essential Rex can only find out this stuff directly from Preston if Rex is open about who he is and what he can do and if there are some limits and boundaries to the God Squad's abilitiles then this need to be made clearer.

Congratulations on finishing the story and entering the OWC.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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RJ
Posted: January 14th, 2014, 1:07am Report to Moderator
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Was kind of getting over this one by page four, I wasn't really into it, but then you reeled me back in with the whole satellite thing with questions of who is it and why?

By page 10, I find myself getting a little uninterested again. I'm wondering why Preston and Rex are having another meeting? Things are moving very slow at this point.

Liked the bit with Rex saying that Tesla was his family - that's a neat little spin, but straight after that Rex says he's not into science - time travel is science.

I kind of liked the how Rex ended up with Veronica and his last V.O. fits well.

Have to say that at times the scenes were very jolting and didn't seem to match with the next.

In this there were some good moments and then some not so good moments. All in all good effort, but I think this just wasn't for me.

Congrats on entering

Renee

As an after thought if someone in this pack of OWC entries (mind you I have 7 more to read yet) actually used Tesla to their advantage and based the time travel around him - i could really get into that   

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RJ  -  January 14th, 2014, 1:30am
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irish eyes
Posted: January 14th, 2014, 7:26pm Report to Moderator
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This was a strange one for me, the writing wasn't bad but the story wasn't good.
It had a nice logline, but the execution wasn't great.

I couldn't get why Rex helped Preston, just to kill him and then become Preston basically. If Rex was pretty powerful, why not just go back in time and steal his ideas, or send him on a different path.
Also the whole" Uncle grabbing his nuts" was kinda weird

Storyline needs cleaned up.

Good job on entering

Mark


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Forgive
Posted: January 15th, 2014, 6:29pm Report to Moderator
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Some technical issues going on here - slugs are too long, and not worded correctly. And there seems to be a space between your character dialogue name and the dialogue?

p.1 PRESTON QUINN, an imposing, scowling hawk-nosed mogul
-- really, the only truly descriptive word here is hawk-nosed.

p.2 Rex steps out of the limo headed inside.
-- bit of a tricky sentence

p.5 there's a missed slug going from the Tech Center back to the boat.

Okay - on page 7, and it's not really about time travel; it's about a business discussion about time travel. We get a diversion into how V & P meet, which is what happened in 'Everything In Its Place', which in a similar vein to this, did not have a story to drive it forward and keep it in its place - it's wandering all over.

p.10 - you can use intercut instead of the BACK BACK etc

     REX
Where do you want to go?
--there is no urgency, no need, nothing compelling anyone at this stage.

So the end was okay, and the twist was quite good, but I'm not sure as a whole it was handled all that well - echoed Usual Suspects to me.

I hate to say it, but I think the script was more sophisticated than the writer.

What was missing for me here, was the interaction between the characters - Rex's interaction with V didn't sparkle and in this kind of piece I think it needs to. I never felt you really got into the characters' heads, and this is principally a character driven piece, and you need to have the characters better drawn and more filled out than you do.

Having said that, as an idea, I do think it has legs.
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DV44
Posted: January 15th, 2014, 7:29pm Report to Moderator
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Interesting take on the rich getting richer. If I was Rex or Preston, what's 3.5 billion dollars to them. They could go back in time and manipulate Wall Street themselves. Make a ton of money. Live happily ever after. Just a thought.

Little nitpicks - In two of your action lines you have 1). The limo winds its way from Wall Street toward the Battery Tunnel & 2). Yacht cruises off the coast of Mykonos.

How do we know the limo is leaving Wall Street & how do we know the yacht is cruising off the Mykonos coast? I would put both of those actions into your slug line instead.

EXT. WALL STREET BUILDING - DAY

The limo drives off.

EXT. MYKONOS COAST - DAY

The yacht cruises away.

Not great examples but you get the point. You actually got one of the slugs correct using

EXT. JFK TERMINAL.

Again, just a nitpick. In no way did it stop me from reading the entire story.

The writing was good, especially for 10 days. The story itself just lacked punch to me, sorry to say. Real hard to get excited about rich people getting over on everyone. Great job though.

Congrats on completing the OWC.
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wonkavite
Posted: January 16th, 2014, 8:36am Report to Moderator
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I STARTED to really like this one.  Interesting characters, semi-complicated scenario.  Solidly decent writing.  It was shaping up to be one of my favorites.  Then two things happened:

1) The uncle incident.  Okay, so Preston decides he's gay.  Do we HAVE to throw in a male to male molestation bit (no matter how brief) in the mix?  As a writer, I'll agree that the scene works to show Preston's brutal side, even at a young age.  But I just... kinda cringed when that popped up.  So - I'm of two minds on this.  I don't like the implication.  I do like the scene's effect.

2) The twist.  Didn't like it.  It ruined all the sympathy I was building up for Rex (and Veronica.)  Big deal.  One wealthy jerk gets destroyed.  Another takes his place.  IMO, it would have been far better if Rex had remained a good guy, who ends up falling for Veronica and taking matters into his own hands.  And I agree with Irish Eyes - if Rex has all this power, there's absolutely no need to go through all these machinations to take over Preston's life.  There are far easier ways to accomplish money and power if one has time travel at their fingertips. (Oh - and btw - one minor suggestion.  When Preston leaves for the club and Veronica questions where he's going... you MIGHT want to have her insinuate that she thinks that Preston and Rex are having an affair.  After all, she's likely to be suspecting Preston's new inclinations anyway.  And he and Rex have been spending a lot of time together recently.  Done subtly, that could be a nice touch, IMO.)

I liked a lot of this.  I just think it could be far better.  Cheers on the entry!

--J
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