The start of this script had my interest but I don't see this as well suited for a short work.


Since the old man seems to be the primary source of information his words need to have stronger content, less texture, perhaps.  I'm guessing the ending was rushed and could be made more accessible to the reader.  Also, priest is a typo, right?  With the time limit etc, kudos for creating an intriguing character in the old man.

Well Writer,

Sorry to say I made no sense of any on this. The incorrect format, especially the font, made this a very tedious read. However, even had you used the correct font I think I still would have trouble following this. I'm sure there's a meaning to this, and I'm sorry that I didn't get it.

Anyway, congrats to you on getting an entry done!

Steve

I got lost around page 6. I get the feeling that English may be your second language, but then other times it appears like you know English quite well. The story has a nice atmosphere... there's something there. But that is all, I'm afraid. You still have quite a long way to go.

There is so much wrong with your writing that it's difficult to know where to start. I'd suggest reading lots of novels to increase your vocabulary and understanding of story structure.

We start on black, but I think the voice over was too long without any image. There are also a few more long speeches. Maybe breaking up the dialogue with some images would help move it along at a better pace. I do like the dialogue though. I was a fan of the phonetic spelling in the dialogue. It gave some flavour.

The time travel device is a jewel as large as a room. That was different.  It would be nice to see it later in the woods or something. You could maintain the mystery and have it hidden under sticks and leaves or whatever.  

Some interesting ideas in regards to the old man returning to his time. He can't because his lineage died out? That's intriguing.  Or is it because his tech can't work in the past? It would he nice if you explored these elements more.

The young man listens to the older man patiently, then all of a sudden is aggressive in his disbelief. Maybe he could interject during the long speeches.  Lead us into his aggression, instead of suddenly calling him an idiot.  My 2 cents here.

Old man says he'll show young man the machine. Then young is briefly described to be dead by the water. This was mysterious. Was old lying about the machine being in the woods? Did he kill younger from self defense? Maybe you could milk the death more and clarify his death. It would be nice to see the murder, but I understand this could be a style decision.

I really liked how you waited to show it was medieval times with knights. You could exploit this more. Include more knight action or culture of the era. You could elborate on  the religious beliefs like witchcraft.

I like how we can't trust our protagonist, the old man. He's full of deciet. Is the younger man he murdered his father like he says? Is he contagious? Or just so clever when it comes to saving his own ass? It's nice that you play with our expectations.  

So I thought all of these elements were a nice build-up, but it seems like there's no ending. Maybe it's just me, and I'm confused on it. This is time travel, right. It's supposed to make us scratch our head. I'm left wondering if this a loop he can't escape? His intentions may have been to save his father from a murderer. After he alters time, it corrects to the point that he is now the killer and he can't stop it from happening.  If this is the case it is truly tragic, and you should emphasize that more. Otherwise I'm left wondering why he kills his father. I need more motive.

Weird formatting. Intriguing build of mystery. Nice cultural dialect. Unique setting. Uneven ending.

There's really been nothing said here that my review would be able to add to. In the very beginning, it seemed like you tried to just flip through a thesaurus for Robert's dialogue (much like The Architect in 'The Matrix Reloaded') and that seemed like a bad way to start things. It didn't get better as it went along and I'll admit, by the time it was over, I had all but zoned out. This wasn't a really fruitful effort, but it was an effort nonetheless. Still...

F.

The Traveler

No title page and mixed fonts.  Formatting errors.  Collaboration or pisser?  Kind of let the humor go over head here, I admit I enjoyed it as a whole.  I thought it was a good choice to keep the reader off balance, it makes everything else a backdrop to the entertaining dialogue.

Saying that, the dialogue was difficult to digest at times.  But I can still see it working out in some form.  I don't believe it's a crime to overthink it, great work.

Johnny