Quoted from NickSedario I'm certainly not the defender of all things great and small, but I really don't think this was intended to be a pisser, nor do I think it's fair that one should assume it is.  Seems like a sincere effort here, just that the writer approached the OWC from a different angle. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think so.

OK, if I'm incorrect, my apologies.  Maybe a non English speaking writer.

I would’ve called this Dangerworld and left out all that backstory in the first four pages. Give me something to set the tone. I do like the idea of a Dangerworld though!

This thing is riddled with typos that need a cleaning but on to the story.

I really disliked Pete and the other characters up until Caroline is introduced. There is no conflict. Zero tension. Nothing is going on as far as a story really until we see a fin finally in the canal(which you called Cornfield-totally confusing BTW).

“Then a pharynx  which gives nothing more than darkness appears behind her.”
What does that even mean? All I could picture was a part of a human throat. I have to say these are confusing descriptions that slow the read for me.

So after he sees this throat of darkness behind Caroline, he goes to sleep or what? He wakes and moans? Then he’s in a classroom and apologizing for creating a catastrophe? Oh man, I’m sorry. I really tried to get to the end, however I’m checking out on this one.

Keep up the work, and congrats on making an entry for the one week challenge.

The English is bad in this one, making it a hard read. I think it'll be very rare that a producer will manage to get through more than a page of badly written English. The dialogue is also unnatural.

So, killer is a bad word now? Seems a bit psycho to berate a child for stating the obvious. Maybe that is where this is going.

Code CAROLINE There, daddy! It's written all over your theme park. PETE Since when have you learned to read, sweet heart.

It's written all over his theme park...

Now he's berating her for learning to read. Some dad this guy is.

Code Then his smile falls out of his face.

Does it land in his lap?

Code PETE ... I'm sorry for all people who suffer from my insane behavior. I-I've lost my daughter. I can't forgive me and I think I need to commit suicide. Every day, I do.

Does he? Does he really, really do?

The emotional responses in this are quite twisted. I could tell he was a psycho at the zoo.

Code PEOPLE (OFF) We forgive you, Peter! Stay alive, Peter!

Oh... well, I think that proves me wrong. Seems people like the weirdo.

Code He nears the fish tank. The gene sharks seem to sleep in their havens. Pete removes the aquarium's cover. He puts his arms around the tank's side glasses. Pete breathes deep. His lifeless eyes look down on the water surface. Slowly his head lowers inside the aquarium.

Suicide by mini shark?

Code Sandals with tennis socks, linen suit, full beard; it's Cederic Villas Boas. PETE Cederic Villas Boas!

Who is that again?

Code PETE You were right. I was wrong. I failed miserably. It's too late now. CEDERIC I heard you've lost your daughter to your own creation. PETE I did. CEDERIC And now you wanna end your days. Cederic knees down to Pete, and sees into Pete's eyes.

Seems things may be taking a turn for the worse. This isn't going to go all brokeback mountain is it.

Ah, they all lived happily ever after when Pete, who started all the shit in the first place, joins the counter revolution.

Well, at least it had a shark attack in it... briefly.

The concept has potential. In Jurrasic Park the bring back dinosaurs for an amusement park. But it's actually much easier to create monsters through genetic engineering of existing creatures. Not saying that will ever happen, there would be an outcry. But in theory...for the sake of a movie...maybe somewhere? Like a North Korean theme park? Denis Rodman can promote it.

Then the story becomes a total jumble. Pete's character is all over the map, and mixing of the genetically engineered corn fear with the creation of these monsters is just too much story for a short. You want to get it down to one thing and focus on it.

Keep working. Work clarity. And try to focus your stories. Good luck, hang in there!

Have to echo some of the other reviewers and say the story felt like Jurassic Park to a degree. Poor Pete, messed around genetically enhancing mini sharks and it came back to haunt him killing his daughter.  The dialogue was hit and miss, same with the action lines. It happens especially given a week to write. The story definitely has potential but needs some cleaning up first to really let it shine.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Does look like English isn't your first language, sorry if it is.

With some minor errors, it didn't look too bad at the start, and then thing began to fall apart.

I have to agree that the story you wanted to tell was too big for for this script.

What you end up doing is missing huge chunks of the story and leave the reader having to join too many dots, and what's often left out is the dramatic elements -- even though you try and focus sometimes only on the dramatic elements.

The principle story is there, but it's been told before, and if you can't retell it all, then you have to ask yourself 'which parts can I tell with some authenticity': The conter-revolution angle is pointless, but the Father losing his daughter to his own creation is worthwhile.

Congrats on the concept, but I think you need to decide what it is you want to say.

7. Genetic Engineering - When irresponsible science once again breaks laws of nature, reshaping of interests is undeniable.
Brief - Rich idiot has scientists make a monster shark that eats his kid, he’s sorry & depressed, tries to kill himself.

Characters to Animate/Voice - 6
Marian, Pete,  c/u of 2” shark, Cedric, Caroline, People
Scenes to Build  - 6
Laboratory w Aquarium, aquarium c/u, room, cotton candy stand, canal amid fields, classroom
Accessory Visual - >16
Clipboard, Pete gyrations, mini shark + eyes + teeth shine, shark cruising aquarium 6x, cigarette box, cotton candy pull from stick, row boat, doll, shark attack
Accessory Audio - >6
Aquarium bubbling, knock on glass, aggressive bubbling, circus music, public din, rowing in water,

Genre & Marketability - Drama
Script format - Poor
Comments  -  Turn off your program’s “Mores & Continueds” feature. Dialog’s terrible. I’ll ditch the camera slap thing. Prolly just have him get close then turn it off. Cotton candy stand’s getting to be a hassle. Better make these scenes worthwhile. Groan at new scene - Canal. Don’t know what a “blear” is. Hope it’s a typo for “tear.”
     LOL, what?!

          EXT. CORNFIELD - CANAL
          Comfortably 100 yards waterway in sight.
          A dorsal fin rises out of the water. Shark.

A dorsal fin in the cornfield?! C’mon, writer. Pay attention.
     Alright, by the end of page six I can tell I don’t wanna pursue producing this story, so I’ll don my reader hat and go from there: Don’t care for it. Audiences don’t want this kind of drama.
Final word - Pass. Story’s unmarketable.

10/15           Lo/Hi Estimated Build Hours per Screen Minute
x 9.4          Screenplay Pages
= 94/141     Total Build Hours Time Cost

This was a sincere effort, I can see that in the writing, maybe English is not the writer's first language?  Maybe it is?  Not really the point in truth.

Focusing on story elements alone:

GENETIC ENGINEERING: RISE OF THE COUNTERREVOLUTION.

Big title, big idea.  It runs well enough, smoothly most of the time, minus hiccups in the writing, but as said, some would nitpick, I shall not.

The story is thought provoking.  A father who loses his daughter regrets his decision on genetic engineering.  Sharks, no less, are the ones he engineered.  More to the point, a shark is the thing that gets his daughter.

Pete's motive seemed clear enough at the end.  He wanted retribution for his mistake.  Good enough motive in truth, but...

The story does kinda become convoluted here.  It's cloudy with a chance of meatballs.  Some of the stuff does not make sense, and the motivation, though good, lacks flavor.

It's a great attempt, but it does fall short in some areas.

Short - 6.5/10 (good tale, nice message, a little lacklustre in portions)
Shark - 6.5/10 (attacks, rogue, good marks, could've seen more of it though)

Um...  Unless I'm mistaken, the writer of this particular OWC is not a native English speaker.  As such, I'm very impressed at the effort.  I know that I, personally, would be utterly incapable of writing proficiently in a different language - especially creatively.  (Rough translation: Anything I tried would s*ck goat a$$.)

So - my hats off to you, writer, on that count.

As an OWC entry?  Well, the story skipped around alot - details were confusing, and the moral preachy.  But it's still better than I'd do outside of English.

So kudos on the entry.  

Cheers and best,

--Janet (W)

This story WAS for me and I really liked the concept and the direction the writer was trying to take.

The payoff wasn't quite there, though.

It shifted direction a few too many times. During the interview portion with Cedric I thought: a documentary-style script would have been a totally unique take but like other aspects of this, it was sort of a tease as it shifted again.

Again, I think this story idea was strong. It just couldn't keep all the dots connected to create a clear picture.