Genetic Engineering: Rise Of The Counterrevolution by Starbuck - Short, Shark - When irresponsible science once again breaks laws of nature, reshaping of interests is undeniable. - pdf, format

Logline - now some get mis typed but did you really go for that one. I can't lecture anybody as I am poor at loglines, but this doesn't seem to flow.

Dangerworld - well, it's suggestive

Writing was a tad off here - mixed tenses, some strange phrasing and words.

The idea of GM getting into wild animals and having a negative affect is a sound principle to explore, but I don't feel this script delivered.

It became too preachy and obvious

The dialogue did become quite 'on the nose' - needs more subtly

All the best

The writing here is so confusing. It's like I get what you're trying to go for, but it still confounds. I'm one that usually sticks out an entire read, which I did here, but I have a feeling a lot of readers will bail out on it.

The sentence structure is arranged in a strange fashion, just mishandled in syntax. The dialogue comes across robotic at times. This was a very difficult story to visualize.

The ending was polarizing, and contradicts what comes before it.

Respectfully, it wasn't for me. Best of luck.

Johnny

Pg. 1 - "We care about your investment". - That's her greeting?

Pg. 4 - "tartartartar"...heh? "Bread and circuses"? double heh"

Pg. 6 - There's a canal in a cornfield?

Pg. 7 - Who are these people who all say the same thing at the same time????

Wears only a turtleneck? Pete's walking around with his junk hanging out??  

----Okay. That was different. Not sure what else to say.  Congrats on completing something for this OWC.  

It was a weird start. It's strange you'd say 'An illuminated aquarium.' then describe it for a while then mention it's 200 gallon. It changes the size of the thing completely, everyone will imagine one a few feet long at most. Why not say how big it it is straight away?

I maybe in a bad mood but I was bewildered with the plot. Breeding killer sharks and making a point of them being killers. And big. There's already huge harks in captivity. I've seen them. It's like saying 'We're gonna breed tigers. Big ones. And we're gonna make them killers.' They already are.

I'll read on. I'm stubborn that way.

Nope. Couldn't make a lick of sense out of it. Maybe it made sense in the writer's head. It certainly made no sense in mine.

R

Lots of long winding speeches and OTN dialog really slow this thing down to a crawl. Streange (over)description. You gave it a nice go but if you can't convey sonething with clarity visually a lot of folks will be scratching thier heads.

Including myself.

-DjS

Quoted from oJOHNNYoNUTSo The writing here is so confusing. It's like I get what you're trying to go for, but it still confounds. I'm one that usually sticks out an entire read, which I did here, but I have a feeling a lot of readers will bail out on it. The sentence structure is arranged in a strange fashion, just mishandled in syntax. The dialogue comes across robotic at times. This was a very difficult story to visualize. The ending was polarizing, and contradicts what comes before it. Respectfully, it wasn't for me. Best of luck. Johnny

This summed up my thoughts to a T.

I wanted to like this, but I just really wasn't a fan of the writing at all. Why do you mention the aquarium being 200 gallons nearly two paragraphs AFTER you've introduced it? "An illuminated aquarium" should be "A two-hundred gallon illuminated aquarium." You write in such a way that everything needs to be read at least twice, and it killed whatever interest I may have had in the story.

I just could not invest myself in this one, but congrats on completing the challenge.

Chris

Hey writer,

I think you had a genuine concept or ideology that you wanted to get on paper, but it somehow got lost in the formatting. The dialog itself didn't gel with me either, like;

PETE
Since when have you learned to read, sweet heart.

CAROLINE
Daddy, I'm in school for a long time. I'm a big girl.

Huh? Caroline is 6, this makes it sound more like she is 'impaired' than 'in school for a long time'. Consider aspects of deductive reasoning that will ensure dialog flows naturally.

Congrats for finishing the OWC, it's definitely a tricky topic to get out something original, and I think you gave it a go based on this idea you had, it just didn't work for me the way it could have if the formatting was cleaner.

The writing, although setting a good image, is a little awkward in the way its presented. Might need a good look over.

"He sits a bit diagonal as if he's involved in a studio talk with a person next to him." Funny, since I know exactly what you meant but it's just a stupid thing to put in a script.

Caroline's dialogue is poor, the other dialogue is also somewhat poor but it has this hilarious backbone to it that I quite like.

"Pete relaxed rows the boat forward." What?

Yeah, now the dialogue's lost that hilarity and just sounds poor again.

Where'd the cornfield come from? How does a 50 meter shark fit into a canal anyway?

"PETE
Heellpp! God, noo!! Help me!!" Oh, man, Jeff is going to destroy you for this one. The gruesome image of the daughter's blood is comical more than anything, just not written the way you want it to.

I've just noticed, your dialogue boxes are too small, you should be able to fit more words inside there. Probably added an extra two pages to your script actually.

"I can't forgive me and I think I need to commit suicide."   , come on, writer, you can do better than that?

"Pete limps, walks with a stick. He wears only black, a turtleneck jersey." Did he recieve the John Lennon treatment or something? Why does he even have a cane?

"Cederic Villas Boas" Who?

Ooo, yeah, okay, obviously written by a writer whose first language isn't English. The thing with scriptwriting is that you have to balance both the written part and then the story, and that's not including the business angle. It's just a hard job getting both of them right. There's no steadfast way to make your English or your screenwriting ability better than to just read scripts. Really, it's simply the best way to further yourself as a writer. Good luck!

Cool concept. Unique and imaginative approach to the parameters.

What a sad way to learn a lesson. With his daughter and all. I like how you show the weight of his guilt. He decides to now stop genetic research. I liked the message about modified foods. Some interesting commentary.

The strongest element is the concept of Dangerworld. It comments on seaworld and such. Homages Jurassic Park. And examines thematically why we seek danger and violence for entertainment? Why are we fascinated with monsters?

These themes could have been examined more obviously. A rewrite would also help with the dialogue.  Sometimes it's awkward and too explanatory.

Some good visuals. Interesting concept.  Nice commentary.

I was hooked on this and thought we had a winner here until half way through page 3 with the introduction of Cedric. Up until then I loved the dialogue, the descriptions of the scenes (even if they were a bit too descriptive). It was like Futureworld meets Jurassic Park and had huge potential. Peter seemed very much like the character you’d love to hate.

Then it all went strange. I genuinely thought from this point on it was Peter having a dream and I couldn’t follow it. I’ve no idea why Peter is surprised his daughter can’t read, why his character changes so abruptly, why there’s a shark in the canal or why they were in that canal in the first place. It was all so surreal.

Well done for entering the owc.

Mark

The issues with the writing are well-covered. My problem with the story is that it seems like you’ve got the first 20-25 pages of a feature crammed uncomfortably into a ten page space.

At the mention of Dangerworld, I thought we were going to get Jurassic Park with sharks (which is actually Jaws 3 with dinosaurs). But this tried to do too much. Instead of a nifty little short about killer sharks running amok at a theme park, it turns into the start of something bigger. But even what’s here is rushed through.

In fact the park doesn’t really come into play at all. The characters stand inside it for half a page, then leave. Why were they there to begin with? It’s never really elaborated how the sharks escaped in the first place. That’s important no matter what kind of story this intends to be. Then at the end Cedric and Pete join forces, but against what exactly?

Too ambitious to work at this length, I think. But good luck going forward

Congrats on completing the OWC

Um, congrats on entering the contest!

Here’s a great example of why I always recommend writing in (mostly) complete sentences – we start with a fragment that tells us nothing, then in the 3rd passage, we find out how big the aquarium is we’ve been looking at.

I also recommend not using semi colons in screenwriting, as they just don’t work and here, you’re doing nothing but wasting a line.

Very poor dialogue early on.

“Pete swings the arm like a disco queen:” – WTF?

Page 3 – There’s some serious terrible writing on display here.  I’m wondering if English is a 4th or 5th language?

Page 4 – Wow, Cederic’s dialogue is just awful.  Now, I’m wondering if this is a pisser in disguise.

Page 5 – “sweet Caroline” – Huh?  WTF?  Really?  This is a pisser, isn’t it?  If it’s not…wo…

Page 6 – “CORNFIELD – CANAL” – HUH??????

“Then his smile falls out of his face.” – LOL.  OK, this is either a giant pisser or the writer has major trouble with English.

Absolutely no clue what happened in that cornfield canal.  Just terrible writing and dialogue.

Page 7 – Damn, bro, this dialogue is worse than any pisser I’ve ever written and that’s saying an awful lot.  With your permission, I may need to borrow some of these classic lines, and even steal “sweet Caroline” as a character.

Wow!  Almost speechless.  A true pisser classic, if I ever have seen one, and trust me, I’ve seen a lot.  True classic.  Cornfields will never be the same again.

Thank you for entering as you’ve made my week, I think.  I will be quoting many of these lines in future works.

I'm certainly not the defender of all things great and small, but I really don't think this was intended to be a pisser, nor do I think it's fair that one should assume it is.  Seems like a sincere effort here, just that the writer approached the OWC from a different angle.

Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think so.

With that said, the story wasn't for me.  I read it the day it came out and decided not to comment on it until now.   'Bout all I can say at this point.  Congrats on entering.  

Quoted from NickSedario I'm certainly not the defender of all things great and small, but I really don't think this was intended to be a pisser, nor do I think it's fair that one should assume it is.  Seems like a sincere effort here, just that the writer approached the OWC from a different angle. Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think so.

OK, if I'm incorrect, my apologies.  Maybe a non English speaking writer.

I would’ve called this Dangerworld and left out all that backstory in the first four pages. Give me something to set the tone. I do like the idea of a Dangerworld though!

This thing is riddled with typos that need a cleaning but on to the story.

I really disliked Pete and the other characters up until Caroline is introduced. There is no conflict. Zero tension. Nothing is going on as far as a story really until we see a fin finally in the canal(which you called Cornfield-totally confusing BTW).

“Then a pharynx  which gives nothing more than darkness appears behind her.”
What does that even mean? All I could picture was a part of a human throat. I have to say these are confusing descriptions that slow the read for me.

So after he sees this throat of darkness behind Caroline, he goes to sleep or what? He wakes and moans? Then he’s in a classroom and apologizing for creating a catastrophe? Oh man, I’m sorry. I really tried to get to the end, however I’m checking out on this one.

Keep up the work, and congrats on making an entry for the one week challenge.

The English is bad in this one, making it a hard read. I think it'll be very rare that a producer will manage to get through more than a page of badly written English. The dialogue is also unnatural.

So, killer is a bad word now? Seems a bit psycho to berate a child for stating the obvious. Maybe that is where this is going.

Code CAROLINE There, daddy! It's written all over your theme park. PETE Since when have you learned to read, sweet heart.

It's written all over his theme park...

Now he's berating her for learning to read. Some dad this guy is.

Code Then his smile falls out of his face.

Does it land in his lap?

Code PETE ... I'm sorry for all people who suffer from my insane behavior. I-I've lost my daughter. I can't forgive me and I think I need to commit suicide. Every day, I do.

Does he? Does he really, really do?

The emotional responses in this are quite twisted. I could tell he was a psycho at the zoo.

Code PEOPLE (OFF) We forgive you, Peter! Stay alive, Peter!

Oh... well, I think that proves me wrong. Seems people like the weirdo.

Code He nears the fish tank. The gene sharks seem to sleep in their havens. Pete removes the aquarium's cover. He puts his arms around the tank's side glasses. Pete breathes deep. His lifeless eyes look down on the water surface. Slowly his head lowers inside the aquarium.

Suicide by mini shark?

Code Sandals with tennis socks, linen suit, full beard; it's Cederic Villas Boas. PETE Cederic Villas Boas!

Who is that again?

Code PETE You were right. I was wrong. I failed miserably. It's too late now. CEDERIC I heard you've lost your daughter to your own creation. PETE I did. CEDERIC And now you wanna end your days. Cederic knees down to Pete, and sees into Pete's eyes.

Seems things may be taking a turn for the worse. This isn't going to go all brokeback mountain is it.

Ah, they all lived happily ever after when Pete, who started all the shit in the first place, joins the counter revolution.

Well, at least it had a shark attack in it... briefly.

The concept has potential. In Jurrasic Park the bring back dinosaurs for an amusement park. But it's actually much easier to create monsters through genetic engineering of existing creatures. Not saying that will ever happen, there would be an outcry. But in theory...for the sake of a movie...maybe somewhere? Like a North Korean theme park? Denis Rodman can promote it.

Then the story becomes a total jumble. Pete's character is all over the map, and mixing of the genetically engineered corn fear with the creation of these monsters is just too much story for a short. You want to get it down to one thing and focus on it.

Keep working. Work clarity. And try to focus your stories. Good luck, hang in there!

Have to echo some of the other reviewers and say the story felt like Jurassic Park to a degree. Poor Pete, messed around genetically enhancing mini sharks and it came back to haunt him killing his daughter.  The dialogue was hit and miss, same with the action lines. It happens especially given a week to write. The story definitely has potential but needs some cleaning up first to really let it shine.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Does look like English isn't your first language, sorry if it is.

With some minor errors, it didn't look too bad at the start, and then thing began to fall apart.

I have to agree that the story you wanted to tell was too big for for this script.

What you end up doing is missing huge chunks of the story and leave the reader having to join too many dots, and what's often left out is the dramatic elements -- even though you try and focus sometimes only on the dramatic elements.

The principle story is there, but it's been told before, and if you can't retell it all, then you have to ask yourself 'which parts can I tell with some authenticity': The conter-revolution angle is pointless, but the Father losing his daughter to his own creation is worthwhile.

Congrats on the concept, but I think you need to decide what it is you want to say.

7. Genetic Engineering - When irresponsible science once again breaks laws of nature, reshaping of interests is undeniable.
Brief - Rich idiot has scientists make a monster shark that eats his kid, he’s sorry & depressed, tries to kill himself.

Characters to Animate/Voice - 6
Marian, Pete,  c/u of 2” shark, Cedric, Caroline, People
Scenes to Build  - 6
Laboratory w Aquarium, aquarium c/u, room, cotton candy stand, canal amid fields, classroom
Accessory Visual - >16
Clipboard, Pete gyrations, mini shark + eyes + teeth shine, shark cruising aquarium 6x, cigarette box, cotton candy pull from stick, row boat, doll, shark attack
Accessory Audio - >6
Aquarium bubbling, knock on glass, aggressive bubbling, circus music, public din, rowing in water,

Genre & Marketability - Drama
Script format - Poor
Comments  -  Turn off your program’s “Mores & Continueds” feature. Dialog’s terrible. I’ll ditch the camera slap thing. Prolly just have him get close then turn it off. Cotton candy stand’s getting to be a hassle. Better make these scenes worthwhile. Groan at new scene - Canal. Don’t know what a “blear” is. Hope it’s a typo for “tear.”
     LOL, what?!

          EXT. CORNFIELD - CANAL
          Comfortably 100 yards waterway in sight.
          A dorsal fin rises out of the water. Shark.

A dorsal fin in the cornfield?! C’mon, writer. Pay attention.
     Alright, by the end of page six I can tell I don’t wanna pursue producing this story, so I’ll don my reader hat and go from there: Don’t care for it. Audiences don’t want this kind of drama.
Final word - Pass. Story’s unmarketable.

10/15           Lo/Hi Estimated Build Hours per Screen Minute
x 9.4          Screenplay Pages
= 94/141     Total Build Hours Time Cost

This was a sincere effort, I can see that in the writing, maybe English is not the writer's first language?  Maybe it is?  Not really the point in truth.

Focusing on story elements alone:

GENETIC ENGINEERING: RISE OF THE COUNTERREVOLUTION.

Big title, big idea.  It runs well enough, smoothly most of the time, minus hiccups in the writing, but as said, some would nitpick, I shall not.

The story is thought provoking.  A father who loses his daughter regrets his decision on genetic engineering.  Sharks, no less, are the ones he engineered.  More to the point, a shark is the thing that gets his daughter.

Pete's motive seemed clear enough at the end.  He wanted retribution for his mistake.  Good enough motive in truth, but...

The story does kinda become convoluted here.  It's cloudy with a chance of meatballs.  Some of the stuff does not make sense, and the motivation, though good, lacks flavor.

It's a great attempt, but it does fall short in some areas.

Short - 6.5/10 (good tale, nice message, a little lacklustre in portions)
Shark - 6.5/10 (attacks, rogue, good marks, could've seen more of it though)

Um...  Unless I'm mistaken, the writer of this particular OWC is not a native English speaker.  As such, I'm very impressed at the effort.  I know that I, personally, would be utterly incapable of writing proficiently in a different language - especially creatively.  (Rough translation: Anything I tried would s*ck goat a$$.)

So - my hats off to you, writer, on that count.

As an OWC entry?  Well, the story skipped around alot - details were confusing, and the moral preachy.  But it's still better than I'd do outside of English.

So kudos on the entry.  

Cheers and best,

--Janet (W)

This story WAS for me and I really liked the concept and the direction the writer was trying to take.

The payoff wasn't quite there, though.

It shifted direction a few too many times. During the interview portion with Cedric I thought: a documentary-style script would have been a totally unique take but like other aspects of this, it was sort of a tease as it shifted again.

Again, I think this story idea was strong. It just couldn't keep all the dots connected to create a clear picture.