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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2013 One Week Challenge  ›  Something In The Water - OWC
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  Author    Something In The Water - OWC  (currently 4305 views)
Don
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 3:39pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Something In The Water by Q - Short - Three children discover there's something in the water that just isn't quite right. - pdf, format


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Heretic
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 6:24pm Report to Moderator
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As I go:

I'm not clear on what happens in the first scene. Does the woman see the kids? Why is she grabbing her clothes? Are they done? Why aren't her "assets" shining in the moonlight?

Thoughts:

A second tale of miraculous water. I really liked the first half of this one but once they left the forest, all the tension dissipated, and the second half didn't do much for me. They didn't do anything wrong, so the story of them keeping the secret isn't particularly interesting. The gag at the very end is nice -- I'm assuming he's just going to end up killing her, right? But it's just sort of an unmotivated gotcha at the end. If this has been the major thrust of the story -- it fixes Wesley, Rose hurts herself, he drowns her trying to save her, runs away, Dwight shows up later...something like that I might have enjoyed. I don't know. It just seemed like there was a lot of tension and potential in the first half, but as soon as we left that, there wasn't a lot going for this story. The discovery is miraculous, but there isn't much of a story here, past kids fooling around and one dying. As I see it. Not an interesting conflict and not much dynamic action by the protagonists.

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Heretic  -  July 14th, 2013, 9:58pm
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nawazm11
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 10:31pm Report to Moderator
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Although your writing to this point has been good, try and avoid passages like these "Wesley blushes beet red as Dwight pulls him into a bear-hug while Wesley struggles to free himself." It doesn't read well IMO, you're going backwards in action instead of chronologically. If I read that his face blushes beet red, that's what I imagine first, but then when you put the bear hug in there, it takes a moment to re imagine the whole scene. It just slows you down.

At page 4, this is all getting very repetitive, hopefully something happens soon.

"Mid-way a sickening sight as Wesley’s head ricochets off a jutting tree limb before plunging into the depths below." With the current tone of the story, this scene does not match. Did I miss any of that subtext earlier on? Just a massive tonal shift, that's all.

"her body convulses." Is she convulsing while standing up? I don't think that's possible.

Finished.

Like Chris, the second half definitely faltered. There were some good things happening, but some other not-so-good things. When you get the mother and the sheriff involved, it just got a little tiresome since it's just made obvious what will happen next. There isn't anything surprising except the final image, which I quite liked actually. Mix up the lead up to the end a little, try and not make it so average and predictable. You're a good writer, so I'm a little surprised this doesn't have many reads.

Also, the first scene with the woman just seems to be there for the R rating. It doesn't really progress the story in anyway. Scrap it, or replace it.

Grade: B
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mmmarnie
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 10:35pm Report to Moderator
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The opening scene was humorous but it ended up feeling like it was just added in for the "R" rating.  What did it contribute to the story?

I like the idea here and the ending but the story itself moved pretty slow.  I think you could either have more going on like have them run into more obstacles or you could just trim it a couple pages to pick up the pace.

Not a bad effort though.  





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The boy who could fly
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 12:45am Report to Moderator
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I liked the title for this, the story itself, meh, the opening was cute and the kids for the most part were well written, at least in the beginning. It does have a good ending though, at least for me which kinda made up for the second half, so good job there. A good effort though. You succeded in doing what the challenge asked, and it was well written. Good job on completing this.


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Pale Yellow
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 8:15am Report to Moderator
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I was into this until they left the woods. I was confused the last part of the script. There should be increasing tension I feel in a story like this and it just fell flat for me.
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Eoin
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 9:21am Report to Moderator
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A slight outer limits, twillight zone kinda vibe to it. Writing was pretty clean - I didn't have any real issues with this, perhaps it could do with more economy of words in places. Some of the expressions used didn't seem age appropriate at times, but I'm willing to let that slide.

Good job on your OWC entry.

Eoin
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DV44
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 11:51am Report to Moderator
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I think you did a great job with this. I like the slow build up you did with the kids going about in the woods with their bikes. I felt there was some good tension throughout until we got to Teressa and Henry's conversation at the end. The story itself felt a bit rushed at the end but regardless I still enjoyed it.

Pg. 5 Mid-way a sickening sight as Wesley's head (should be Dwight's head)

Congrats on finishing the OWC.

- Dirk
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stevemiles
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 12:24pm Report to Moderator
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Ha!  That’s an opener.  Cut straight to the R.  Pity it couldn’t have been worked in some other way as it did feel tacked on simply for the challenge requirements -- but still...

Story-wise this moved at a decent pace and I got a feel for the characters and their situation.  Noticed a few missing words here and there - nothing major.

Lost me a bit on page 7.  Could do with a tweak in terms of clarity. Didn’t understand how or why Wesley fell in the water (did he jump in?) Then no mention of Dwight when he returns, think it’d be natural to wonder about his fate.

p.8 ‘Clean, neat and tidy’ -- something feels redundant here.

Minor niggle, how would they know Dwight broke his bones if he’s healed?

p.9 what is it the Sheriff wants to try?

Hmm, the ending fell kind of flat for me.  The way I read it I’d have to assume Wesley’s about to kill Rose and I wasn’t sure whether it was intentional or if he was trying to help her.  It occurred to me that if the water heals, then is that even possible?  Think we could play more on Rose's  ‘injury’ as I’d pretty much forgotten about it given everything else that had happened.

What happened to Dwight?  My understanding was that he survived and came back, but then where’s his side of the story?  What happened down there??  

Not a bad start but it felt like this lost focus and what could have been a dark little tale ended up missing that important ‘something’ to tie everything in place.

Steve.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


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Nomad
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 2:52pm Report to Moderator
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It wasn't clear that they were jumping over the river.  The slug says "CHETCO RIVER", but nowhere does it say that the large rock shelf is on the other side of the river until they're jumping.  It was difficult to picture exactly what the area looked like.

Dwight "loses" his grip.  Not "looses".

It's not clear that the river goes into the cave.  One shot Wesley's at a fork in the river, the next he's at the cave entrance.  You need to say the river flows into a cave.

You use, HITCHEN'S HOUSE, as a slug but nowhere do you tell us that Rose and Wesley are the Hitchen kids.

Pg. 9  Henry wants to try something with the kids.  What is it?  They end up interrogating them after Dwight shows back up.

Pg. 9  Who does the look pass between?  Wesley and Rose, or Wesley and Theresa?

Pg. 10 I'm confused on why Dwight is at their house.  If he escaped, wouldn't he go home?  Is he alive or dead?  How did he get into their living room?

Pg. 11 If Wesley is going through this maze of caverns, where is the light coming from?  How did Dwight turn strange?

Pg. 11 If Dwight was healed by the water, how did the hospital know he broke every bone in his body?

Pg. 12 If the water can bring people back to life, how is Wesley going to kill his sister, by drowning her, in the water that can bring people back to life?

Maybe I missed a lot but this didn't make much sense to me.

Jordan


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Dreamscale
Posted: July 16th, 2013, 11:59am Report to Moderator
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OK, we've got the R rating out of the way early, but it really feels tacked on for literally no reason at all, other than to show some T...and maybe A?  Some comma abuse in your opening and a bad misspelling of "voluptuous".

Page 3 - OK, listen, other than the meaningless intro with the voluptuous assets, we have nothing but this jump and dialogue.  The scene is not well set at all, and I still don't really know what this jump looks like.  The conversation is so out of place about the girl's burn - if she got it when she was a small child, why wouldn't these peeps know about it?  I'll bet now that this will come up later and is total exposition.

Lots of comma issues throughout.  You should seriously look into how and when to use commas.

Page 4 - "...delicious melons..." - Ha!     Classic...and very funny!

I've got to say that these kids don't seem to be the age they're given.  They seem much older in the way they speak.

"looses" - Loses" - always amazes me how often the word "lose" is misspelled.

Page 5 - once again, you didn't set this scene properly or you're not writing it properly.  It sounds like a big drop off to the water below, but after Dwight jumps and falls, it seems like the other 2 are down at the water instantly.  A new Slug is needed here, if nothing else.

Page 6 - "bloody skull"?  Really?  Just how far was the drop into the water below?

"CAVE ENTRANCE" - You used a Mini here and IMO, that's a big mistake, as time has definitely passed.  When time passes, you shouldn't be using Mini Slugs.

Page 7 - Another incorrect Mini here - it's a new location with Rose standing there.  You cannot use Mini's for new locations.  It doesn't make sense.

There's some odd writing going on here - incomplete sentences that should be joined together with commas.  Tough to read when written like this.

And another incorrect Mini - "AT THEIR BIKES" - Now, we know alot of time has passed between the cave, the RIVERBANK UPSTREAM, and now back at their bikes.  When you decide not to show events that have to happen, you have to use a full Slug and should use a time element of MOMENTS LATER, LATER, or something to that same effect.

Page 8 - "throw" - "throws"

OK, I;m going to skip the exact detailed notes and read till the end, but understand there are numerous issues going on.

I think you missed with the structure here - the Flashbacks don't work as written.  Visually, there are many problems with the writing. Slugs need help, punctuation needs help, some details aren't intro'd well - BUT - you know what?  I actually like what you attempted and feel it has legs, is unique, and is rather well thought out.

Clean up the writing. Rethink the structure.  Work on the visual writing.

You were able to meet the requirements quite well and that's hugely appreciated.  Pretty cool concept, even as flawed as it is.

Good effort here and one of my favorites, overall.



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Dreamscale
Posted: July 16th, 2013, 12:32pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, I wanted to add a few things I neglected to say earlier.

One of the reasons I liked this was your ability to craft good, believable characters, who act like real peeps, even though IMO, they seem a bit older than the ages you gave. Most can't seem to do this, and I applaud you for your work here.

I read over all the feedback and I think a number of issues peeps had early on was answered before the end, and I think the main problems here are as I stated earlier - poor structure.

If we knew the 1 kid was a cousin early on, a number of issues go away.  I'd start at home with the Mom talking to them and make it clear that the 1 kid is their cousin.

Also, I think you need to make it clear how close they live to this area, as I know it's a very rural area, and I strained to believe they rode their bikes here.

10 days seems like too long for the kid to come back.  The hospital scene was also out of place.

Little tweaks here and there will really help to tighten this up and make it all come off more believable.

Nomad questioned why the brother was killing the sister in the end, but IMO, he's definitely not - he's going to heal her scar on her face, which is an interesting move, but not quite executed properly.

Again, great job here.  Now, fix this baby up and make her shine!
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Grandma Bear
Posted: July 17th, 2013, 12:04pm Report to Moderator
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I liked it! Quite a few typos. I'm sure you'll spot them when rewriting. One especially stood out and that was writing Wesley when you meant Dwight in the water.

The adults having sex felt tacked on just to get that R-rating in there.

About halfway through, I felt that this was going to be yet another younger/weaker/bullied whatever saving the the others and become the hero of the day. I'm glad I was wrong and that you turned towards a darker conclusion.

I've only read three so far and I think this one might be my favorite so far. Good job!!  


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pwhitcroft
Posted: July 17th, 2013, 10:07pm Report to Moderator
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The tension of the relationship between the kids in this worked very well. I also liked the reveal and thought the discovery was good stuff.

The story lost a bit of energy when they returned to town and I guess their secret was a bit of a false hold back of information. The ending has a nice ambiguity to it.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: July 18th, 2013, 5:39am Report to Moderator
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Something in the water

Starts with a couple banging away - well done
We then cut from that scene to another - I tust the theme will re emerg
Small point but if they don't know each other maybe we could discover that earlier?
Not wholly sure why they are lying - it was an accident?

Ok, finished - not bad, I liked it.

A couple of issues

1) I can't see why Wesley changed or what he saw to try and get rid off dwight

2) if dwight survived doesn't this conflict with him trying to kill his sister

3) what relevance does the opening scene have?

4) I also read it that he is trying to kill his sister in water that gives life?

I suppose I would have liked to see more of his changes after being in the water, leading to the final moment.


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