I do believe I know who wrote this one... A french man possibly?  

Well when I saw the nitwit hospital, I thought that was funny, and cute.

I liked seeing Charlie get hurt. It's what he deserved for leading her on.

When I finished reading and closed it out, it dawned on me that I haddn't read the lyrics. I had to open it back up and search. There it was after FADE OUT.

I thought FADE OUT meant that was it the end. Over.
Maybe have a black screen and fade out after the lyrics.

I didn't laugh out loud, but I did smile.

Good job for a OWC
Cindy

I’VE GOT TO GO

Pros – Plot. Frank and Dennis’s relationship was subplot good. Viewers will despise Charlie.

Cons – Too many characters for a short? Stuttering overdone especially at end.  

Comedy – Charlie’s misfortunes were slapstick hilarious but some would say mean spirited. The scene where Louise is more upset about Thomas than Charlie was a deft touch.  

Romance – Light. Louise is rich and performs oral sex but not too much in the romance department.

Lyrics – Title theme at end. Written for a male and female.  The instructions on how the lyrics were to be sung were well thought out.

Writer – Job well done.  This short begs for more pages or less characters. What does “pensant thought” mean? (p. 7.)

CRITERIA – Needs less clutter and more romance.

Gary

I don't think you need to mention things like 'he answers stutter free' because we read that he doesn't stutter his response.

Tim mentioned this and i'll second it, why did Dennis decide to help Frank and ruin his friends relationship, even if Charlie is horrible. Afterall Charlie says Dennis is worse than him with women.

This was entertaining enough and it had it's funny moments, the accidents that happen to Charlie are amusing.

I'm not sure about the song though as it seems to be just added on at the end because you had to.  Not bad but not my favourite.

I agree with Alffy on this one. The comedy is funny, quite English, and very well written, but the song seems coming from nowhere. And like said above, I found too many characters. I was a bit lost at a certain point.

A good job anyway for an OWC.

I'VE GOT TO GO --


This script didn't work for me.  I was never really involved or interested in the story of these characters and I didn't find it that funny.

The Charlie character was one-dimensional and needed more depth.  The Louise and Frank characters were likeable but also lacked any dimension.  

The dialogue was awkward at times, but did have some funny moments.  I thought the opening scene introducing Charlie and Frank was handled okay and the bit near the end with the curse was a clever twist.

Tone wise, I think this story needs to be presented as a dark fairy tale.  I think that would help establish the world of the story more effectively.    

Ultimately, I think a lot more work needs to be done on the characters to make them come through more clearly and genuinely.      

I feel like this has some moments of brilliance, but overall, I didn't feel a romantic comedy vibe happening.

I loved the Nitwit Hospital slug! There's something though about this one that doesn't ring true to me. It feels like it was kind of formed rather than inspired. A bit contrived I think and it might have to do also with some of the dialogue.

Here:

LOUISE
Oh hello Frank. I’m so late. What
are you doing here? Have you been
called in for a late shift?

When I read that, it felt off.

I don't feel like the song was really part of the story. More like it was tacked on at the end.

Good solid effort though.

Sandra

Hee hee....Nitwit Hospital.  Great job setting up the tone of this story immediately with that slugline.  

The characters were kooky and entertaining.  I think there may have been too many for 12 pages cus it was a little hard to keep up.  I was confused on why Frank didn't stutter when he saw Louise, you'd think it would be the opposite. But I guess that's the norm for Nitwit Hospital.  

Although the romance wasn't very strong, I was entertained.  Nice work.

i thought this was really well written. I was rooting for frank...of course I knew he'd end up with Louise, but usually you have an idea oh how a movie is gonna end anyway, you just  don't know how there gonna get to that end. The characters were interesting. Charlie was maybe a little too over the top? Not a big deal. I really liked frank.

As i was reading, eventually i thought... but where is the song, there's not even talk of a song.... but then you had it at the end. At first I didn't think I liked that. I thought it should be more a part of the story. But then I thought no one ever said it had to be a part of the actual story...like in the story itself. So I think you met all of the requirements and in an entertaining way.

I thought the story was lacking something. Maybe every time Frank touched Louise something good happened like every time she touched Charlie something bad happened. There wasn't much romance. Frank needs to do more to win the heart of a beautiful woman with rich parents -- he's a bit passive in the story. And we all know girls go for bad guys like Charlie. Frank has to defeat Charlie somehow with his own efforts, not leave it to chance.

A couple of other points. I thought Dennis needed more motivation to help Frank, and he needs to do more than hand him a bunch of red roses and push him towards Louise. Also, why was the exact time 23:15 so important? Why was it necessary that the old man be able to tell fortunes, and how did the fortunes influence the story? And lastly, if bad things happen to Charlie every time Louise touches him, what happened to him after the bj?

Thank you to all who reviewed this script.

Your criticisms are always valuable.

One thing I have to say in regards to the Lyrics: I wrote them before the script and created my script around them.In a way they were my plot.

As for using them at the end, they were meant to flow with the credits; obviously, I should have specified that in the script.

Thanks again