When God Owns A Motel by Anonymous Leroy - Short - In the most unlikely of places, one man gets another shot of redemption. Which path will he choose? - pdf, format

Hey Leroy
The use of Dante's inferno and placing it into a motel.... Very Creative
The use of good vs evil .... well done
Not much focus on the hurricane... but so far nobody has.

the writing is pretty good...
Microbudget... Check

Overall one of my favs
Good job on entering

Mark

The title, and the names Virgil/Dante were strong hints to where this was going. Indeed it did go that route or going room by room like the poem...

I was expecting Dante to wake up from a dream, because it just seemed so unrealistic how Dante can have the patience to go room by room and get lectured by this guy. Overall, it was okay. I was expecting a twist, but I didn't find any so the ending felt flat. Unless of course Beatrice was a twist or something, but I'm not sure who this person is as she's only mentioned at the end.

Unlike Dante's Inferno, this script is super preachy. Dialogue heavy. Nothing really happens. Dante doesn't learn anything.

I like the concept but the execution needs help.

Damn...this makes 2 in a row I'm not going to finish.

Listen, nothing is horrible about this, but it's so incredibly predictable.  I actually skimmed to the end and see no twist or anything to make me want to actually slog through this.

Now, I said there was nothing horrible about the writing, but there is a huge mistake that you make over and over and over and it actually led me to want to stop reading.  Your use of the ellipses is very, very incorrect.  If you're going to use them in your action/description lines, and you definitely can, you have to understand how they work and what they mean.  You continually throw them in your prose for no reason at all, then you skip a space and use a capital letter, which is all wrong.  No spaces between the words being separated by the ellipses, and no capital letter, as it's not a new sentence.  Use them sparingly.

OK, sorry, but this one did not engage me at all and really brought nothing to the table, as both characters were flatline and we've all seen and heard this story 100's of times. Good on you for entering, though.

I have to agree with ABSteel. Super preachy is keeping it light. I remember a few years back when I wrote a script like this one (in terms of talking so damn much with absolutely nothing else happening) and reading it now is a chore, just like this.

Dante just followed and they each just kept talking. And, while I'm a fan of ellipses, Jeff is right about them being used incorrectly a lot.

I can't say there's anything particularly wrong with the story because you're basically just following what we all know (or, have at least heard of). It was just that it was very bland and a chore to get through.

D.

I didn’t really see any problems with this.

The religious theme was actually well done. I like thought provoking dialogue that brings into question, peoples choices and the consequences that come with those choices.

So far as the criteria for the OWC goes, I think it missed the mark on bringing home some of the elements required.

The formatting & dialogue were good and it read clean and quick.

It reminded me of that episode of the The Twilight Zone where they has satin locked up in a room with only a staff across the door. Great episode!!!

Shawn…..><

Solid writing, but a tad predictable.

You have some thought-provoking dialogue, plus an interesting idea of setting Dante's inferno in a motel... I do think it's kind of preachy, though. Decent, but needs work.

Great job finishing the OWC.

Nice idea, just the delivery was off for me. Like others my issues are;

Preachy and predictable - one room following the other, without variation

No twist, no resolution or lesson. What's the point?

Dante - I knew nothing about him, or Beatrice. Did I need to read the book to know, if so I don't think that's wise.

But, jazz it up, give him some depth, some conflict etc and the march could be interesting

All the best

This one started out ok for me.

It got old real fast unfortunately. The characters weren't interesting. The over use of ... got annoying to be honest. I have a habit that I'm trying to break of overusing the three dots I love 'em. But they get annoying in a read...so work on that!

This whole piece didn't go far enough for me. It got stale too quick and there wasn't really a twist out of it which I was waiting for...some kind'a pay off.

Good job finishing an owc though

Eh, I saw the ending coming from the second we are introduced to the hallway of doors.  Introducing each one got repetitive.  The first page had a few unfilmables and weird introductions, and the dialogue sounds unnatural and needs a lot of work.  Sorry, but I wasn't a big fan of this one.

Good job on finishing the OWC!

Page 1. Good Friday? That is months before hurricane season.

Virgil and Dante. I guess we’re going to see which circles of hell will be visited.

Page 2. Oh, I see. Each room will represent a circle.

I have to be honest, but by the time I figured out each room was a circle of hell, I started skimming this script because I knew where it was going. I love Dante’s Inferno, btw. I even have a copy on my desk at work. So, well written and all that, but exxtremely predictable.

I have to add that I actually loved the idea of each room representing a circle of hell. Just didn't like the way you used it, but GREAT idea!

Quoted from Grandma Bear I have to add that I actually loved the idea of each room representing a circle of hell. Just didn't like the way you used it, but GREAT idea!

Not to stomp on the writer here at all, but I'm confused by your comment, Pia.

Pretty much every single reader has said the same thing that this is extremely predictable - actually, it's beyond predictable - it's just a retelling of the tale in a different setting.

What is it that you love about the idea, when you, yourself said you didn't even read on, because you knew exactly where this was going?

Predictable, sure. Heavy on the dialogue, sure. But you met the challenges and thats what matters. Congrats on the OWC.

Well the others have already spelled out the main problems here.  It reads fairly well, but there are no twists or surprises.  It was ponderous.  I think you could have effectively used misdirection here.  Throw in an ending that no one saw coming.

Some of the sentences were clunky:
The strain on Dante's face depicts that he's thinking real hard.

A good concept for a short, but it's need of a reworking.

Interesting take on the challenge. Never read Dante's Inferno, I tried, just couldn't get anywhere with it.

I liked that Satan seemed to be a tortured soul himself, Cowered down in a corner. IT shows an essence to God that we might not all be familiar with. Maybe he is not so forgiving.

I don't believe, but I enjoy the philosophies. I think this was a solid entry.

Good job entering the OWC.

James

Good idea, execution needs work.

The dialogue exchanges sounded more like an educational special on PBS and for that it didn't feel like there was anything at stake and when the ending came it wasn't a surprise at all.

Again, a good idea but IMO the dialogue kinda ruined it for me.

Greg

This was very nice concept, and I like the way it was paced.  I also thought the interplay of dialog between Virgil and Dante was well done.  The only thing missing was an option to choose something behind a curtain.  There's ALWAYS an option to take what's behind a curtain!  

Well done.

I thought this was a clever idea but I didn't think you took it as far as it could go.   Also, this story is too large for 12 pages, it needs to be expanded.  The major thing missing here is that Inferno satirized people that were well-known when it was written, placing them in hell. I didn't see anything like that in this story.

Good on ya for getting something together for this OWC.    

Tremendous concept, to appropriate Dante's Inferno for this challenge. Of course it's going to be predictable to anyone who knows the story, but I was completely engrossed in your interpretation of such a well-known story. I couldn't wait to see how the next circle would be represented.

Unfortunately, that was the rub. This is too ambitions for 12 pages (actually 8!). It deserves to be double the length. The rooms themselves were well conceived and realized, it was Dante's personal journey that was missing. His story is what would have driven this over the top, his character arc as he witnesses the horrors of Hell. There are hints about this but nowhere near enough, we're just following him around.

Page 1 needs a re-write, it's the most poorly written which baffles me. The writing really picks up after that, until the last page. Dante's choice is too subtle...what exactly did he choose? What other option was available to him? To leave?

I loved this, but I'll love it more with a proper re-write and a healthy expansion. You put a lot of thought and effort into this, I recognize that. As it is, it's not my favourite but certainly near the top for me.

I liked the opening of this, nice little character observation, pen on teeth, made it more real that some of the generic owner/lobby opening I have read. VIRGIL's line of dialouge could be left out here. Must may feel it's necessary, but it's not. Action speaks louder than words, even in scripts.

Okay so we're dealing with the 10 Deadly Sins. I like the concept here, I'm just wondering how many rooms we'll see and if each one will need Virgil's exposition as a device to reveal what's happening.

Okay, so Page 6 and my fear has been realised. We're getting a room by room guided tour courtesy of Virgil.

No real hint at a supernatural past, or a definite choice between good and evil, as it was Virgil who had room 10 prepared for him.

Nothing terribly 'wrong' with the writing per se. This idea needs to be fleshed out more, Dante's character should be fleshed out and developed so that he's more 3D. The tour guide story plot doesn't work here. Concentrate on a real conflict, dilemma for Dante.

Have never read Dante's Inferno - heard of it but never followed it up.

So I went into tis fresh and I kinda liked it. The writing pretty well flowed from room to room. Dialogue was ok, didn't bore me, yeah, and I read it to the end ( a rarity in this OWC...)

Good job by whoever wrote it!

Quoted from Michael The major thing missing here is that Inferno satirized people that were well-known when it was written, placing them in hell. I didn't see anything like that in this story.

That's a very good observation, Michael.  Although, if I were you, I wouldn't have mentioned it.  :-)  Because now, if I was the writer of this, I'm going to go do a rewrite of it and place some members from SimplyScripts into those rooms.

I love Dante's trilogy, (as I'm sure some may have guessed already), and I thought this was at least a clever idea.  Of course, it's going to be predictable, but not a bad take on the challenge.

Also, I forgot to mention this.  Am I the only person who, whenever they see or hear the word 'balaclava', gets hungry for a Greek pastry?

When God Owns a Motel by - In the most unlikely of places, one man gets another shot of redemption. Which path will he choose?
Brief - Man reviews seven deadly sins on the way to his room at the motel.

Locations & Sets  -  Interior, motel lobby @ night. Interior, motel hallway @ night (HOtels have HALLways, MOtels have outside WALKways.) Interior, motel room @ night.
Actors  -  VIRGIL 35, DANTE 35, Wailing man, Slain couple, Gorging man, smartly dressed man, middle aged man & woman, lone man, hanging woman, knife man, screaming man, circle man, Satan man
Costumes  -  sharp suit, thug outfit, smartly dressed outfit, t-shirt and sweatpants
Props  -  pen, rap sheet, wooden crucifix key chain, throat slash prosthetic x2, liquid stage blood, wooden chair, banquet table, feast, ream of faux cash, recliner, man sized concrete block, hanging set, bloody knife, bomb vest, machine gun,
Audio FX  -  howling wind, blood-curdling screams,
Visual FX  -  
Other  -  makeup artist, remove & replace all contents from room, hanging contraption, bright light beneath door effect
Genre & Marketability - Biblical fantasy drama
Comments  -  Having all the doors open is going to be a minor PITA. Nice humor. Obese man’s set will cost a bundle! By pg4 this budget is getting out of hand. By pg5 I already know this story cannot justify the budget; reading from here on is pure charity on my behalf for story’s sake rather than thoughtful analysis. This will take a week’s worth of nights to shoot. Good news is that it’s not an opening sequence and more of a quasi-story, kinda like a Saturday Night Live skit gone too heavy and serious. Script format: needs work. Lay off the ellipses and a character’s age goes between commas or parentheses. Final word: Too expensive to produce, story is fair.

$7,000 - $10,000  Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 8.3 Screenplay Pages
= $843 - $1,205  Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Odd but interesting character(s) - yep
take refuge from a hurricane - nope, not really
in a beat-up motel - nope. This takes place in a HOtel instead of a MOtel
and are forced to make a choice - nope
between good or evil - nope
in order to survive the night. - nope
Each character must -
have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives - not defined, only passively implied
that factors into their choice. - no choice made in the story that night
Genre is open. - biblical fantasy drama
This is a micro-budget short, - Bah!
so no destruction of the motel, - yep, but this’ll be a major inconvenience for the manager = expensive
no children or animals - yep
and minimal special effects. - yep
BONUS! Story also included:
mime(s) - nope
dinosaur(s) - nope

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WBdeA3ZfngPz7NfJg_5DSBUFsZXkicfyNQHRc8Bg2SQ/edit

I have to admit that after a couple of pages of this one, it became pretty evident who the author was. I've only ever seen this many ellipses in one other script so that can’t be a coincidence.

So I was surprised really because I thought this so called author had written Into the Eye… time will tell I guess.

This one was okay, a straight up take on Dante’s Inferno right? I've never read it but I know the brief. Guess that makes it predictable but it didn't stop my enjoyment of this; only wish the ending hadn't been so flat. I think you needed some twist to make this better and maybe a bit more background to Dante.

There were a few mistakes around but nothing too bad which harmed the read. I would say for the love of God, please pull back the use of ellipses… they became old fast.

Well done.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve

I'm really undecided about this one.

"Let me ask you something... what brought you here... to a dead beat motel during a hurricane"

Um, I think a hurricane is a very good reason to lead someone to shelter. I don't know maybe I'm missing something. If you were implying this specific motel in Virgil's dialogue to Dante it just comes across as awkward to me and needs a rewrite.

And this one: 'you know your philosophers'. Not necessarily, he might just be able to rattle off that quote. Having him quote a specific philosopher's name would have been better imo, makes me think your Virgil is a lil' gullible.  

I'm not missing this though:

People, it's 'lie back' not 'lay back'- yep I'm a broken record on this one, and in itself is not a crime... so take it or leave it.

Overall this has some creepy and gory visuals but it's a story you've adapted/manipulated, like another one I read and liked, but this just comes across as others have mentioned (sorry to be a broken record again) like here endeth the lesson.

I think you could have used the word 'desire' in place of concupiscence - too, otherwise your Virgil is a little verbose ain't he? Obviously you think it fitting.

I'm not sold on this one however... but not bad.

Hmmm, if it weren't for the poor and predictable dialogue, you had something here. The story was adapted pretty nicely and it was fun to read but the conversation between Virgil and Dante, I really could not buy it.

It's a simple story and for some reason, it's not bad. I think it would work a lot better if there was some tension here, something that helps keep the story interesting. Nothing really happened if you think about it.

My grade: C- but take that lightly.

Liked the idea and kind of got into it until midway where my mind started to wander. You had me wanting to know what happened to Dante though, which is a good thing, but I didn't get why his 'thug' appearance was important because he didn't talk like one and who Beatrice was - would have liked to have know a little backstory.

Good effort.

Thanks for the read and the comments. I realised maybe I should have changed the ending and cut down on the ellipsis(coop)   and at least use them properly(Jeff)

Quoted from Michael The major thing missing here is that Inferno satirized people that were well-known when it was written, placing them in hell.

I tried to modernize it and I was gonna use characters or actual people from this era... But I tried to keep it in budget.

Quoted from ReneC Tremendous concept, to appropriate Dante's Inferno for this challenge. Of course it's going to be predictable to anyone who knows the story, but I was completely engrossed in your interpretation of such a well-known story. I couldn't wait to see how the next circle would be represented.

Thanks Rene that's what i was going for and I should have at least made 12 pages out of it.

Quoted from Mark Am I the only person who, whenever they see or hear the word 'balaclava', gets hungry for a Greek pastry?

I would have said "ski mask" but that's from my days of growing up in Northern Ireland through the 70's and 80's

Thanks

Mark

Balaclavas flat out rock when you're ripping it up in sub zero temps.

They don't taste very good though.