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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The Quickie Challenge  ›  Leave Me The Hell Alone - QC Moderators: MarkItZero
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  Author    Leave Me The Hell Alone - QC  (currently 1232 views)
Don
Posted: August 20th, 2017, 11:13pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Leave Me The Hell Alone by Blank - Short, Comedy - Jackie just wants to take a nap but first his annoying roommate will have to go. 3 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 2:16am Report to Moderator
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Hey writer, well done on the three page quickie challenge.

I liked this, you managed to get across how depressing life must be in one of those places. I dread ending my days in such an establishment, but I suppose it's better than the loony bin. And I hope I can be the guy trying to get the nurses to use the skipping rope so I can watch their boobies bounce!

One slight critique if I may, if I were an actor I would be quite irritated by the writer telling me when I should emphasize certain words. Let the actor decide how to deliver the lines!

Good job!

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Warren
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 3:56am Report to Moderator
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Hi,

Another one I'm torn on, there were no laugh out loud moments. I cracked a smile a couple of times. So does that mean the comedy worked or not?

Guess you would call it a cute little story, really not my kind of thing but it's not bad.

The writing is good bar the underlining which isn't wrong by any means but just plain annoying.


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khamanna
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 4:11am Report to Moderator
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Funny little short.
I felt for Jackie which means it worked for me.
I imagine my grandpa would be the same grumpy if he had that sort of roommate.
A bit more in and I would have loved it. It's not only the roommate, is it. Possibly Jackie applied for another roommate and didn't have luck with it. So, I want more of the story but I liked this anyway.
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Angry Bear
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 7:05am Report to Moderator
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Not bad. However, I think as a film, it would be visually boring as it's really just two old men sitting on a couch disagreeing. Would be easy to pull off on a no budget though.

If you plan a rewrite, I would suggest having some more stuff going on visually. Maybe Eddie gets up and jumps, using his hands to mimic bouncing boobs. Just something so that there is something, anything more going on than just sitting on a couch.


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heyDaddyStudios
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 8:03am Report to Moderator
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Here's my two cents, rewrite the entire story without using any dialogue and then split the difference between the two scripts.

You've got a good story here, but I feel like you used dialogue as your only tool to tell the story. It's film, visual story telling, so let us SEE the story, not listen to it. Good work though!
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JEStaats
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 10:16am Report to Moderator
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I really liked this but I think I might have missed something: "Leave the jump rope and close the curtains." Is he planning on hanging himself? I found it humorous and then my mind went to a dark place. Am I right? A little help here!

Except for the last bit of dialog, I liked it. Maybe I'm thinking too much into it.
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hawkeye
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 11:35am Report to Moderator
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Why would he leave the rope if its jump rope day?  Yeah pretty sure what he's referring to is sexual asphyxiation.

I'm with the others on this one. Not badly written at all, but there's nothing happening. Just guys talking, which doesn't make for great visuals on the screen. Need something more happening here. Maybe put them in the middle of the retirement center surrounded by nurses jumping rope. Falling down, boobies bouncing, etc.  make it visually interesting and the story will follow, hopefully.

Best,
Gary


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 11:55am Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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This had good dialogue and I enjoyed it, but:

The ending I did not get at all.

Leave the jumprope? Why would he do that when he was all excited about getting the nurses to use it?

Because the ending confused me it left me sore on what I otherwise liked.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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MarkItZero
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 12:13pm Report to Moderator
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It was an engaging read. I think the main thing to work on is showing us instead of telling us. The following is a generalization, but try to show us first. Show us Jackie hates the retirement home, is disengaged, depressed. And if there's something you can't show, then demonstrate it subtly in dialogue. Last resort is usually to come out and outright say the exact issues the characters are dealing with.

For example:


Quoted Text
JACKIE
Pretty sure I donít care.



Quoted Text
Jack barely reacts.


So you're telling us he doesn't care and then showing us he doesn't care. You can lose that dialogue line since you're showing us the same thing a few lines later.

And here:


Quoted Text
EDDIE
Lately, you seem a bit depressed. Do
you want to talk?

JACKIE
No.


You could probably get by without mentioning the depression at all. Just show him disengaged, miserable, drop little hints. If you feel it has to be mentioned, you could at least leave out Jackie's response. Show us he doesn't wanna talk by having him actually not talk. Have him pull his pillow around his ears. A clear indication he doesn't wanna talk without any dialogue.


This is all nit-picky stuff. Overall, it was a solid read.


That rug really tied the room together.
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grademan
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 3:51pm Report to Moderator
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I liked it however it's your standard three page setup to a punchline. Pretty common for short page challenges. You got good advice above from the crew.
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stevie
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 7:07pm Report to Moderator
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This was ok. Started pretty well as a comedy. The ending is ambiguous as to the writer intention. good effort


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Michael
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 7:09pm Report to Moderator
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Hi to all, it's great to be here.

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There were some funny parts but no action. Underlined words I personally don't like. Good job though.
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StevenClark
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 9:17pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Cute little tale, but that's about it really. Nothing laugh out loud funny, just kind seemed like a skit that never found a satisfying punchline. Decent effort, and like I said it was cute, just didn't reliever the comedic goods.

Steve


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Tyler King
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 12:52am Report to Moderator
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Dialogue was excellent, very realistic...had it come from someone much younger than 80 years of age...  I just don't see them talking like that. However, if they were a lot younger, than yeah...

I might have cracked a smile, but that's about it. Didn't laugh. And the ending kind of threw me off...was Jackie planning on killing himself with the jump rope? If so that's pretty morbid.
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