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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The Quickie Challenge  ›  Numbers of the Beast - QC - In Production Moderators: MarkItZero
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  Author    Numbers of the Beast - QC - In Production  (currently 972 views)
Don
Posted: August 20th, 2017, 11:14pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Numbers of the Beast (was The Numbers of the Beast) by Warren Duncan writing as Daenerys - Short, Drama - A priest thinks God talks to him in a unique way. 3 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  September 2nd, 2017, 9:20am
revised draft
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Cooper
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 12:46am Report to Moderator
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Love the title. Curious to see what others think. To me it felt like it was lacking something. I wasn't sure what it was really about until the end.


Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 5:01am Report to Moderator
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Hey there Daenerys of the House Targaryen, the First of Her Name, TheUnburnt, Queen of the Andels, the Rhoynar and the First Men, Queenof Meereen, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, Protector of theRealm, Lady Regnant of the Seven Kingdoms, Breaker of Chains and Mother of Dragons.

Nicely written and the twist I didn't see coming. How do you know how I circle my Baoding balls? That did read a bit awkwardly but apart from that, good job!

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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khamanna
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 5:32am Report to Moderator
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I didn't understand the ending here. Father rapes the boys or something. I don't know, this is obviously over my head as I read it twice.
And I read the comments here - people seem to get it.
Maybe it's just not something for me and that's the reason I don't get it.
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Angry Bear
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 7:17am Report to Moderator
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I liked it. Well written and definitely not a one location talking head thing. A real story! Good job on that.

My only complaint would be that I'm personally sort of tired of religious leaders being sexually abusive. Which I think is what you meant here. I know it happens, but not sure it is as common as the films about them. Maybe change it up a bit. Maybe he flogs them instead or some other kind of punishment.  


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heyDaddyStudios
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 8:15am Report to Moderator
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Good read, even if I didn't enjoy the story. I mean, it had a sexually abusive vibe to it from the start, and I don't know...seems like an easy way out. Yes, it's gut-wrenching, not because of your story, but because sexual abuse is so awful.

I would of liked to see it not end with the priest cornering a child, but something a little more original. Good writing, good story until the end. Kudos! I'd like to see a rewritten version for sure.
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JEStaats
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 9:57am Report to Moderator
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First read of the challenge! Now let's see where it goes....

Well written and meets the challenge, for sure. It didn't surprise me where it ended up. Maybe this is the first time it would be lucky to have room number 13! LOL

Good one, nicely done. One down, 20 to go....
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Dustin
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 10:19am Report to Moderator
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Nice. Tying chance and faith together when never the twain should meet. Aside from that, I don't feel much for this. It doesn't say anything other than priest's rape little boys. I like that there isn't a tacked on happy ending though.
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hawkeye
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 10:40am Report to Moderator
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Yeah, you need either room 1 or 13 or higher in this short!  I agree with some of the others -- it's well-written, but it plays on a well-worn theme: Priests are pedophiles.  I understand the drama it creates, but it's been done before, so why not go with something different?  What that is I don't know, but would just like to be surprised by the ending here. Otherwise, quite well written.

Good luck,
Gary


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MarkItZero
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 12:43pm Report to Moderator
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It's well written, but there's not really any tension. The kids talk about what might be going on. Then next scene one kid asks the other if something is going on, he says no. Then Father Michaels goes to rape one of them. It's just not engaging enough.

Since everyone in the boarding school seems to have some idea of what might be happening, I think you missed an opportunity to have Father Michael do the dice roll in front of all the kids.


That rug really tied the room together.
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grademan
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 4:24pm Report to Moderator
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Not baod. The use of the baoding balls to describe the movement of the dice in his hands was unnecessary.
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stevie
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 4:34pm Report to Moderator
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No idea what baoding balls are - and I'm not googling it - but this was a neat little script. I didn't realise where it was heading and then did. Written well and it s one of the best ones. Good use of the props making them a real part of the story and not just an add-on to meet the challenge


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Dreamscale
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 4:35pm Report to Moderator
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Gotta say I really detest how you wrote out the fake name on your title page.  It just isn't the way to start, IMO.

But, i do love the title, so let's see which way we go here.

Hmmm, so the "church" is inside the boarding school?  Is that really a church, then?  I don't think so.

Well, the end makes this work and your use of the dice is quite sinister, but what leads up to the ending isn't very good.

Overall, it works and I give your kudos on that.

*** 1/2


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 6:31pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Whoah.

Not a happy tale, is it.

I don't know that we need this right now. Or, ever.

Maybe I'm seeing it wrong. But what do you expect with Catholic Church crap, hey?

Man, we need a gun in this script. And a kid who knows how to use it.

Ice-ice, Baby.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 6:33pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from khamanna
I didn't understand the ending here. Father rapes the boys or something. I don't know, this is obviously over my head as I read it twice.
And I read the comments here - people seem to get it.
Maybe it's just not something for me and that's the reason I don't get it.


I didn't get much either. But I gleaned what you gleaned:

Father rapes boys or something.



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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