Skip by Gary Howell writing as Joe Blow
- Short, Drama - A woman finds it difficult to communicate with her mother, but will that change when her great-granddaughter comes for a visit? 3 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

++++++++++++++++

This has been filmed and can be viewed at: https://vimeo.com/317623019 - the password is !skip_

Wow, a jump rope wasn't used as a tool of death?! Way to be lol.

This is a sweet story. Well balanced. Liked the ending. Simple. Might be one of my favorites so far.

Hey.

I sensed some exposition in the dialog - when Anna says "like I taught your mother. And like my mom taught me" . I also didn't like "Always was your favorite, that Jane". Those parts don't seem to flow well for me.
Other than that it's a sweet little tale well told.
I think you could get away with some dialog. Just tell us Gloria doesn't remember anything and the rhyme.

Hi,

Thought this was a well written piece. I think it would make a good short but to read it it's a little too much for me.

I know it's good, but it's a taste thing with this one.

How come Anna gets late 50s and Jane gets 27? Why be age specific in one case and not the other?

Code ANNA Where did you learn that song? SOPHIE My mom taught me. ANNA Like I taught her. And like my mom taught me. Speaking of which...

She'd know where she learned the song from. Wouldn't need to be said. This information still should be delivered but a rewording is necessary, IMO. Something like...

ANNA
I remember teaching your mom that song when
she was your age.


I didn't feel anything at the end. Maybe I'm not in the mood for a heart-warming.

A sweet tale. You really telegraphed what was going to happen with the song by having Anna point it out for the audience. I'd suggest letting it happen in a more natural way.

Predictable but a very decent effort for 3 pages.

-Mark

So, as people pointed out, there are spots where dialogue seems a little meh. Other than that, great little heart warmer.

Maybe it worked for me because I got kids and I've seen the magic they work on even the saddest situations, but it felt real and I loved that. Good job.

Not bad at all. It just felt lukewarm to me. Maybe because it was very predictable. I would also think that Gloria is in a nursing home rather than a retirement home.

If you're going to rewrite this, I would suggest making Gloria not really remember much of anything. Maybe she calls her own daughter by the wrong name or such and then let the song play part later on. Skip the prior exposition where she tells the granddaughter her mom taught her that same song and reveal that only after Gloria recognizes the song.

I think you can tighten this up. Not sure you need the first scene at all. It establishes that Anna is taking Sophie to see her great-grandmother. But then you have to repeat that same information in the car:

Quoted Text SOPHIE Where are we going, gram? ANNA To my mom, love. Your great-gram.

It also establishes the song, but Jane is already out of the scene when that happens. You could just start in the car with Anna and Sophie driving to the retirement home. Sophie sings the song in the car. Then again in the retirement while jumping rope like you already have.

Also, I'd try and rework this line:

Quoted Text ANNA Like I taught her. And like my mom taught me. Speaking of which..

Maybe something like:

ANNA
Bet you can't guess who taught her that.

SOPHIE
(grinning)
You!

This played out just how I figured. It was a nice story but nothing I'd go out of my way to see. Most of the dialog was expected. Shake it up a bit. You can get to the same ending by taking a path less traveled.

Nice little feel good story. Used the props well. Yeah some of the dialogue needs to be changed but overall it was cool

Nice. Sweet.

Who says things need to be complicated to be good.

This was well written and I don't have any complaints.

Sandra

Not much to add at this point. I liked the way the rope was used.

Nice little sentimental story...

Good job.

So, like others have pointed out, a bit of exposition at the beginning that could be done away with or modified to make it a little less obvious what's coming.  Still a sweet ending - no one committing suicide, no Satan burning down the place, no shotgunning of dogs or pedophilia.  Yay!  On another note, I've read somewhere that people with Alzheimer's have actually shown improvements in memory when utilizing songs.  Look at Glen Campbell.  That guy was pretty deep in and could still play a guitar with the best of them. So good incorporation of that if that's what you were going for.

Best of luck,
Gary

Writer,

Well, that was sweet. You hit some good notes in this. However, I feel it might have been a little too sweet, and it was lacking the necessary drama to give more impact to your ending. I like your story, I just feel you need to find another way to tell it.

Steve

I really can't add anything new.  I agree with the pros and cons that everyone else said.

If anything, I thought this rang a bit "hollow" in that I didn't feel anything for anyone.

Having 4 generations can be hard to follow in a 3-page script, trying to keep each one distinct.

I think it's because they don't have any personality.  They are generic characters.  I know that the page limit really hurt you, but, perhaps you should have cut out the grandmother and made it the daughter visiting her mom and taking her child (so, 3 generations instead).

Dan

The most coherent story I read so far. Well done. A sweet and self-aware, down-to-earth piece.

I had some minor confusion in the beginning with the use of "mom" and "she" to refer to different people.

I'd eliminate the line near the end about it being a sweet moment. No need to point it out.

The last sentence needs to be rewritten to avoid the double "as."

Cut down on the "She taught me/I taught you" explanations. It will give Gloria's lines more impact.

Overall, thumbs up.

Henry

Poor opening Slug - RESIDENCE - this tells us absolutely nothing.

"A car sits in the driveway, motor running. JANE, 27, sits behind the wheel." - Poor opening passage.  We know the scene will play out in the driveway, as the Slug tells us this.  Don't repeat it in the following line.  You used "sits" twice here, which is a mistake.  How do we fix it?  Well, here's the hint - it shouldn't be 2 separate sentences.

So, Jane is 27 and Anna is "late 50's".  Give Anna an exact age, too.

IMO, you should always Cap anything being used as a name, but especially something like "Mom", Dad", Gramps", etc.

Opening dialogue exchange is confusing.

I really hate when I see "INT./EXT.", as it's a just a cheap cop out of writing.  I also do not like seeing "MOVING" in a Slug.  Just me, I guess.

Everything is very confusing in terms of who is who and who is being mentioned in dialogue.  Too many peeps for such a short script.

It's a nice, sweet, but sad tale.  It can be done much more effectively, but it's touching.

***

This was good drama... I could tell where the ending was going but still it was a nice enjoyable read.

I think you could've built up more until the twist ... like she cannot remember anything and then she remembers the nursery rhyme. Would be cool even if she did surprise them at the end using her daughter's name maybe. Just something where at first there is no hope and then at the end... even with no hope and on the way out ... there are glimpses of hope or happiness.

Some good stuff here and written well and easy to read. Appreciate that.

Good job.

I liked it. I think the exchange between the great grandmother and the child would look great on film.

There are many shades of dementia, including Alzheimer's which is a form of dementia, and I don't want to pop diagnose the character here, however sufferers are usually able to access information from their long term memories long after their short term memories have failed. so it might not be the terrific shock the writer was going for.  Nice job nevertheless.

Also INT./EXT. is not lazy, it's standard for a scene where for instance we start out with a car pulling up to a curb and then the driver gets out, or when we flip from the action in one car to the street outside that car.  Similarly, (MOVING) and (PARKED) are standard as well, so the LP and the director know how to budget / shoot it. I was chided once by a coverage agency for not doing this.

SKIP

I had the same reaction with the mention of "mom" between Jane and Anna. Reading fast, I thought they were talking about their "mom," as if they were sisters. But the ages made that pretty improbable.
I really wanted to like this story for its inherent sweetness. But, I just didn't feel the connection between characters. Look at the exchange between Anna and Sophie in the car. We get repeated information. It's a wasted opportunity.
Did not care for the way Anna talks to Gloria. She's asking questions. Of course, Gloria is unable to answer.I would rather Anna speak to her mother with more feeling.

HOWEVER, with that said, maybe the writer wants to show a certain level of disconnect. A bit of indifference.  With Sophie ultimately bringing Anna and Gloria together.
I'm referring to a scene in which Gloria can participate in the jumping rope scene.
That's actually a cool way to go. But can you give us more?

As a matter of reference, I saw a movie or a show in which a woman confined to a wheelchair could only admire dancers from afar. Until one nice man, graciously invites the invalid woman to join him on the dance floor. The way in which this guy spins and moves in rhythm with the wheelchair was heavenly. But what made it so poignant was the eye contact the guy made with his new lady friend. As if they were one.
That was magical.

So, I can see Sophie wanting Anna to hold one end of the rope and Gloria the other end. Maybe the rope is tied to Gloria's wheelchair. Or to her wrist. As the little girl jumps rope, and the singing starts, it brings Sophie around to lift her wrist and take part.

Well, that's where I wanted the story to go.  Just my 2 cents.

All, thanks for the comments and the reads.  There are many good comments, especially the telegraphing of what's to come and a couple of expository pieces of dialogue.  I'll clean some of that up in a future rewrite.

It was tough getting what I wanted down in three pages.  Probably needed about one or two more pages to make a full impact.  But I liked the challenge and I wanted to go in a totally different direction than where I thought most people would go with the jump rope at a nursing home.

The story is based on a piece of information I came across when doing research while my grandmother was suffering from dementia.  It was that music stimulated parts of the brain in dementia patients to the point where they could recall some long-term memories, although for only very brief spurts.  If I had more pages, I was going to have Gloria briefly recognize her great-granddaughter and say her name, but then when confronted by her own daughter, her memory would have gone blank again.

Anyway, thanks for elevating this to a semi-runner-up status. I appreciate the kind (and not so kind) comments to help make this better!

Gary

Thoroughly enjoyed your script. I didn't have to go too deep to connect with your characters and the story was easy to follow. Sometimes, simple is best.

This has been filmed and can be viewed at: https://vimeo.com/317623019 - the password is !skip_

Hey Gary, I just saw the film and I think it turned out pretty good.

Little great message, congrats!

Quoted from Philostrate Hey Gary, I just saw the film and I think it turned out pretty good. Little great message, congrats!

Greatly appreciate it!

Good stuff, Gary. Acting was solid. The ending had some real emotional heft to it. And you were thankfully one of the few people who did not use the jump rope challenge parameters to strangle an elderly person!

Quoted from MarkItZero Good stuff, Gary. Acting was solid. The ending had some real emotional heft to it. And you were thankfully one of the few people who did not use the jump rope challenge parameters to strangle an elderly person!

Ha! Thanks -- glad you liked it.  I was tempted to use the rope like others did, but now I'm glad I didn't!

OH yay! I loved this little script and enjoyed reviewing it!

So excited for you Gary!! Congrats!

Great quality production, Gary!
And terrific acting all round.
Was a pleasure to watch. I bet you're very pleased.

Thanks so much Dena and Libby!! Very happy with how it turned out and glad you did too!  We've entered it into a couple of festivals, including the Austin Film Festival, so fingers crossed!

Gary

Bumping this so it's near the top. Wanted to watch the other night but had visitors. Will try again tonight.

Came out great, one to be proud of.

Congrats.

Quoted from DanC I really can't add anything new.  I agree with the pros and cons that everyone else said. If anything, I thought this rang a bit "hollow" in that I didn't feel anything for anyone. Having 4 generations can be hard to follow in a 3-page script, trying to keep each one distinct. I think it's because they don't have any personality.  They are generic characters.  I know that the page limit really hurt you, but, perhaps you should have cut out the grandmother and made it the daughter visiting her mom and taking her child (so, 3 generations instead). Dan

Anyone know if Dan is OK?


Good luck at the festivals, Gary. Has the film been selected for them or have you just entered at this stage?

Quoted from Warren Came out great, one to be proud of. Congrats.

Thanks -- definitely am happy with how it turned out.

Quoted from Dustin Good luck at the festivals, Gary. Has the film been selected for them or have you just entered at this stage?

Just entered at this stage. We're also reaching out to the Alzheimer's Foundation of America to see if they would utilize the film on their site or in their promotional materials as a way to help promote giving to their research on music and memory.

Gary, congrats   Woo-hoo!  Noticed you're in Texas.-Andrea

Thanks Andrea!  I am indeed in the great State of Texas!