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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The Quickie Challenge  ›  Holy Roller - QC Moderators: MarkItZero
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  Author    Holy Roller - QC  (currently 1379 views)
Don
Posted: August 20th, 2017, 11:15pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Holy Roller by John Staats writing as Rollin' Bones - Short, Drama - A Catholic Priest pushes the limits at the Craps table. His prayer before each roll may be more than just a plea for Heavenly intervention. 4 pages - pdf, format

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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  September 24th, 2017, 9:55am
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Cooper
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 12:41am Report to Moderator
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Never played craps but an interesting story for sure. Took me a second to realize what the ending meant. I might have capitalized the RED DICE or maybe said red dice identical to the ones used in the casino.  With that said, I didn't see the twist coming, which is good.


Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know.
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grademan
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 2:17am Report to Moderator
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I thought he was playing craps with 3 dice when the guy said 6-6-6. But I see why he said that.

SPOILER: I mistakenly suspected the priest was a fake. I didn't quite understand the end. Was he referring to the bigger pile of money he left behind?

Kudos on how you worked the dice into the story.
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Cooper
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 2:19am Report to Moderator
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SPOILER

Guess the ending confused me too. I thought it was confirmed that he was a fake and he lost money so they wouldn't catch on.


Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know.
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Warren
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 3:18am Report to Moderator
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Hi,


Quoted Text
and he's on a run.


This is unfilmable.


Quoted Text
but no one ever accepts.


We have no way of knowing this. All we can see is this guy not taking the tip.

The writing is pretty good other than what I mentioned, but the issues aren't war winners.

I really didn't understand the ending. I'm hoping someone can clarify it for me.


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khamanna
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 5:07am Report to Moderator
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I suppose the ending was supposed to reveal us what the story's about.
He says "they did not suspect a thing" but I did not understand what he's talking about.
And the ending is big in this.
The game did not do it for me, as it's actually not about the game. It's about the thing two Fathers plotted. But I do not know what they plotted.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 5:12am Report to Moderator
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Some unfilmable elements and strange descriptions (his prayer of prosperity so earnest that his interlaced fingers are clenched white for example)  give this a clumsy start but the rest was solid.

I don't really buy it though. I think casinos are far too experienced to let a priest's collar distract away from loaded dice, but it met all the criteria and was nicely written.

-Mark


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ajr
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 5:48am Report to Moderator
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Nicely written, a good commentary on how priests are trustworthy and therefore would be given latitude.

Seems to me the plot is that he uses his own dice? Not a big Vegas guy myself so I'm wondering how the eye in the sky wouldn't spot him making the switch, especially if, as it seems, it's a routine for him.


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heyDaddyStudios
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 9:28am Report to Moderator
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Took a double-take at the end, and a love for anything involving a casino, but this really landed for me.

The idea of a holy man using illegitimate means to rip off Sin City in the ultimate middle finger to the devil using a little taste of "an eye for an eye" kind of justice, good versus evil where things aren't all black and white, but one blob of gray.

The Priest is obviously a good man, he offers tips and refuses tips given to him, and if I followed right a lot of other people made a lot of money off his fake dice as well.

Perfecto!
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JEStaats
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 10:39am Report to Moderator
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I like the logline; let's see where it goes.

Alright, I've been known to spend a few nights of my life on the gaming floor. Not lost here. I've seen runs before and think it's filmable. I get a good feel for being at the table watching this. Cool slang.

Hmmm... it didn't register when he pulled the dice out of his pocket but now makes sense. Switches dice when he pulls out the rosary at the table? Open ended whether these two are real Priests or con men.

I like this. Meets the challenge. Nice work.
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MarkItZero
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 1:35pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm, I liked it. I think I got the ending. It made me want to know more about these people and what their overall plans are. I don't mean that in a bad way of it feeling unfinished. It left me wanting more, in a good way.  


That rug really tied the room together.
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stevie
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 4:29pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm, I suppose the dice are at the church for a tiny bit at the end so I will let that go.

Well written and moved along nicely but it still isn't crystal clear what the go is as other reviews have mentioned. Thats the prob with 3 pagers - and the challenge as a writer - in that you have to create this mini story, top and tail it etc. Anyway it was good

The title was great. Also instantly made me think of the Beatles song 'Come Together', lol!


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hawkeye
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 6:35pm Report to Moderator
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As a seasoned craps player (and when I say seasoned, I mean I've been taken to the cleaners by the casinos on many an occasion), I can testify to the fact that there is no way he would ever get away with using fake or loaded dice for reasons I won't bore you with.  So the ending fell a bit flat with me.  Otherwise, it's pretty solid writing. Not a bad effort.

Best of luck,
Gary


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Angry Bear
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 6:45pm Report to Moderator
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I take it neither man is a real FATHER of the church. Just scammers.

I suspected the Father at the casino was a fake one, but didn't expect him to have a partner. So, good twist I guess. My issue here is that there really wasn't anyone to cheer for here. I didn't like him when I thought he was a fake and by the time we find out he's a scammer with the other Father, there simply wasn't anyone to feel anything about other than greed, which isn't a good feeling.

So, not bad, but left me feel empty.


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pale yellow
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 7:17pm Report to Moderator
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Like the title and logline on this.

I dunno why but I LOVE VO over a black screen. Maybe I'm weird but I love it.

And OMG  the writer can really write some dialogue. GREAT dialogue here.

May have used another slug for Clergy Office ...even if mini slug.

Ok this was really cute. I love it. Good job writer and I loved the dialogue.


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