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God Does Not Play Dice - QC (currently 2650 views) |
Don |
Posted: August 20th, 2017, 11:15pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16434 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
God Does Not Play Dice by Won Nut - Short, Drama - A retired Cardinal reveals a secret to a trusted friend. 3 pages - pdf, format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Cooper |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 1:52am |
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New
Posts68 Posts Per Day 0.03 |
The Steve Bannon line was pretty hilarious.
My issue with this is that it felt unbalanced. Is this a comedy or a tragedy. I thought it was one, then the other, then the other. The tone was all over the place. also it seem strange that these two are friends yet the pastor uses the cardinals full name.
You did work in both challenges in one, so kudos there. |
| Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know. |
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Reply: 1 - 27 |
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khamanna |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 2:12am |
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January Project Group
Posts4195 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Hi. Sorry, I couldn't pick onclues in this. Didn't understand why to play dice and how it matters in the end.
Written well and all. I wish the writer could explain as this could be very interesting. A pastor and a Cardinal play dice. Maybe it's thenumber of pages that hindered the clarity in this. |
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Reply: 2 - 27 |
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Warren |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 4:18am |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
Hi,
SPOILER
Another one hanging from a jump rope.
So technically this doesn't meet the challenge rules as you have used both sets of criteria, but that would have been pretty hard to do in 3 pages so good on you.
I think the story may have suffered because of it though.
The point of this wasn't very clear to me. |
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Reply: 3 - 27 |
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khamanna |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 4:26am |
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January Project Group
Posts4195 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
I liked the Pastor and Cardinal playing dice in the church. You actually have all four of the requirement - I noticed "two residents" at the beginning of it as well.
I couldn't pick up on clues here. They are playing dice - I didn't get what for, and how that plays out in the end. The Cardinal is about to... but I didn't get why at all. And all the questions during the dice game - didn't get that either. Possibly the 3-page limit hinders the clarity in this. I wish the writer explained this after the OWC is over. |
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Reply: 4 - 27 |
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DustinBowcot |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 4:50am |
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Guest User
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Code He stares at an AIDE standing above a jump rope, |
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Above a jump rope? Is he levitating?
Code while TWO
RESIDENTS lacklusterly hold their respective ends. |
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lacklusterly is the wrong adverb. 'Unenthusiastically' would be better. Yeah... hmmm. Not a story, more of a cheap comedy skit we'd see on TV. Not for me. |
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Reply: 5 - 27 |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 5:50am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.58 |
Someone had an argument with their screenwriting software on the title page and lost me thinks!
Not sure if this is a pisser or not, the tone goes from serious to comical in an unbalanced way. Although the Steve Bannon line was funny, there was no way the Cardinal would know the pastor would ask that question of the dice, yet he seemed to know exactly what he would do with them.
Reads like a skit, or sketch. Not really my cup of tea.
-Mark |
| For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK |
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Reply: 6 - 27 |
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Stumpzian |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 6:15am |
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January Project Group
LocationNorth Carolina Posts662 Posts Per Day 0.18 |
A DQ, at least in my voting. Brazenly violates the rule about mixing sets. |
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Reply: 7 - 27 |
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PrussianMosby |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 6:31am |
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Posts1399 Posts Per Day 0.36 |
Wrong page numbers
odd first scene… should this be bizarre or ironic in case of the challenge's topic?
All right. I like it. One question: Did Cardinal hang himself because he heard that Bannon will become president? I just realized he wasn't present in the scene when Murphy rolled the dice, so how would Cardinal know that? Perhaps it's just a bizarre ending and I interpret wrong here. Nice comedic undertone. |
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Reply: 8 - 27 |
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Gary in Houston |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 8:51am |
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January Project Group
LocationTexas Posts1306 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
Eh, I didn't like the blatant middle finger at the rules. Also, Just a couple of minor nitpicks... are Catholic priests referred to as pastors? I would think he would be referred to as Father Murphy (I assume he's Catholic and thus the relation to the Cardinal). Second, "twelve means it will definitely happen. One means no chance." I think you mean "two means no chance" since you can't roll a one with two die.
The cover page is weird, man. All those continues. And the page numbers are off. Opening in the living facility does nothing for your story other than you're just jamming it in to fart on the rules.
The writing itself wasn't bad but it seems like you could have done more with this than turn it into a Brannon throwaway joke. All the best,
Gary |
| Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
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Reply: 9 - 27 |
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grademan |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 8:55am |
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Been Around
LocationWisconsin Posts872 Posts Per Day 0.16 |
I liked how it worked in both sets of criteria which is an auto DQ but -- who cares? It was creative. This could have ended on the punchline rather than go into the closet. |
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Reply: 10 - 27 |
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khamanna |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 9:03am |
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January Project Group
Posts4195 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
This one is not against the rules!)
Some say it is, but there was a discussion about mixing and matching and the answer is - as long as you have a required object/location set you're fine. You may include any other object or location in the world. |
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Reply: 11 - 27 |
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Stumpzian |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 9:07am |
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January Project Group
LocationNorth Carolina Posts662 Posts Per Day 0.18 |
This one is not against the rules!)
Some say it is, but there was a discussion about mixing and matching and the answer is - as long as you have a required object/location set you're fine. You may include any other object or location in the world. |
Oh, missed that. Will give this one another look. |
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Reply: 12 - 27 |
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JEStaats |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 10:30am |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1736 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
What the heck is up with the title page?! Not a good way to start off....
Another derail: Genuflects... ugh. Got to look that one up. Oh. Couldn't you just say kneel or pray?
Okay, cool. The stone dice from the Romans. Nice touch. HAHA! How do you roll a one with a pair of dice? OOPS!
Best line: Patriots win the Super Bowl with a groan!
This qualifies in my books. Needs some clean up. Maybe just get rid of the retirement home beginning. Nice work. |
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Reply: 13 - 27 |
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MarkItZero |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 1:53pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
Well, you managed to pull off all four. But you went over the page count by one line. And only because you started with a CONT'D. Almost like it was on purpose. I'll take it as a clever statement on the absurdity of the rules. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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Reply: 14 - 27 |
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