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In His House - QC (currently 2575 views) |
Don |
Posted: August 20th, 2017, 11:16pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16417 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
In His House by Cary GiBax - Short, Drama - After a Priest discovers gaming dice, an Altar Boy tries to show him and his fellow priests that role-playing isn't evil. 3 pages - pdf, format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Cooper |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 2:10am |
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New
Posts68 Posts Per Day 0.03 |
Personally I would have preferred if you kept the titles in the character lines. Also Bob's dialogue just didn't ring true for me. Is this supposed to be a comedy? |
| Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know. |
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Reply: 1 - 21 |
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Warren |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 4:29am |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
Hi,
I think I know what you were going for, I think.
The dialogue is off. Grown men wouldn't talk like this.
Not for me, sorry |
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Reply: 2 - 21 |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 5:36am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.58 |
Awkward dialogue, reads more like a scene than a story. Doesn't really work for me but you met all the criteria.
-Mark |
| For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK |
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Reply: 3 - 21 |
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PrussianMosby |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 6:29am |
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Posts1399 Posts Per Day 0.37 |
I found this really good up until the ending. Not everybody knows what d and d is I believe, had to google it myself. Also there's a final punch missing.
Still, this is a very good concept.
@ Needs a better title fitting the role-game concept... very important here |
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Reply: 4 - 21 |
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khamanna |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 7:56am |
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January Project Group
Posts4195 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Another one that went over my head and I'm starting to think it's me and something is wrong with my understanding. It was hard to read their dialog - I wish you kept the character lines as FATHER ZACK FATHER STAN. And they are playing with the kids? Also, all four characters sound the same to me.
I don't understand the dice game, not just here, in every other entry. I think that's why I don't get them. |
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Reply: 5 - 21 |
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Dreamscale |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 1:45pm |
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Guest User
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OK, I know who wrote this and I'm going to try and be nice.
Dialogue is very poor and unrealistic.
There is zero story and plot here.
Characters change names throughout - stick with 1 and never stray from it.
Not for me.
1/2 |
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Reply: 6 - 21 |
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DustinBowcot |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 1:51pm |
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Guest User
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An extremely crappy infomercial for dungeons and dragons. Should we play this weekly? No effing chance! |
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Reply: 7 - 21 |
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MarkItZero |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 2:23pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.35 |
An interesting idea but the execution isn't there. The dialogue needs a lot of work as has been mentioned. I think you really need more space for this story. Have this curmudgeon Father Stan slowly get into the game and start to love it. His D&D character can end up being an extension of himself, who he really wants to be, something like that. Do you watch Community? There's a great D&D episode. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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Reply: 8 - 21 |
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JEStaats |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 2:45pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1735 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
We found Stan!
Although I've never played D&D, I understood what was going on here. It just didn't work for me. The ending was just so "Gee Whiz". |
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Gary in Houston |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 3:15pm |
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January Project Group
LocationTexas Posts1306 Posts Per Day 0.32 |
yeah, not exactly in my wheelhouse. I know about D&D and how it's played, but that doesn't make it interesting to me to hear (or read) a snippet of one of the adventures. I'm guessing the story is about how D&D isn't really bad and that religious leaders could empathize with those who play it by playing it themselves. But to me, that's not much of a story to just see them playing the game. This would need to be part of a much longer story to get into all that. The dialogue needs some work here as well, for sure.
Best of luck, Gary |
| Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
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Reply: 10 - 21 |
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SAC |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 8:09pm |
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Of The Ancients … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3207 Posts Per Day 0.78 |
Writer,
Didn't really get this, and I'm not quite sure if the game you mention is even a real game. I'm out of the loop. Anyway, this just didn't work for me as a drama or a story, as well as the name ALTAR BOY BOB - seemed funny to me.
Steve |
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Reply: 11 - 21 |
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ajr |
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 6:35am |
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Old Timer
Posts1482 Posts Per Day 0.28 |
Not a D&D fan myself, but this could have been interesting, if I had understood the revelation the priests had while playing the game. |
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Sandra Elstree. |
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 11:11am |
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Of The Ancients What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?
LocationBowden, Alberta Posts3664 Posts Per Day 0.60 |
I guess you have to know about role playing games to understand this.
The idea of it was good, but it's amiss. Kind of feels blah somehow.
Sandra |
| A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Reply: 13 - 21 |
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Grandma Bear |
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 11:13am |
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Administrator
LocationThe Swamp... Posts7961 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
I didn't get this one at all. Maybe because I'm old? I had absolutely no clue what went on. At first I thought it would have something to do with current events. Mob, protesters... As far as I could tell, there wasn't much of a story here. I'm really sorry if I'm too dense to appreciate your effort here. |
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