SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is November 17th, 2018, 9:05am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
October OWC Who Wrote What and Writers Choice
And the Hyper Epic pick is...

The Night Gallery 7WC Scripts

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The Quickie Challenge  ›  Eeny Meeny - QC Moderators: MarkItZero
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Eeny Meeny - QC  (currently 1630 views)
Don
Posted: August 20th, 2017, 11:18pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
12549
Posts Per Day
1.93
Eeny Meeny by Alice Walker - Short, Drama - An octogenarian struggles with the guilt of her past. 3 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
grademan
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 1:37am Report to Moderator
Green



Location
Wisconsin
Posts
900
Posts Per Day
0.26
A little overly dramatic and using the jump rope as a jump rope was cool. The incident was ugly enough. Nigra is an unusual word but I get it, I would have liked to see the beginning of the story when she was "roped" in to the game by the white girls. I wonder how many will have the rope being used as a hangman's noose - I mean it's a retirement home. What else you going to do with it. We'll see.

Should be "meany" given what happens.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 33
Cooper
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 1:43am Report to Moderator
Purple



Posts
106
Posts Per Day
0.15
The rope as a noose thing seems to be pretty prevalent.

With that said,  I would say there is definitely something here. These three pages had some weight to them - but the story wasn't as clear as it could have been.


Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 33
Warren
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 3:04am Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
1575
Posts Per Day
1.75
Hi,

I think that's the third retirement one I've read where the rope is used as a noose.

Well written, the pacing seems a bit off. I think the incident is just written too violently for the rest of the story. I think that makes sence.

Not bad.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

My IMDb
Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 33
Dustin
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 3:57am Report to Moderator
Blue


Action speaks louder than dialogue.

Posts
4813
Posts Per Day
2.48
First one set in an old people's home that I've read. Not bad, but I'm a little tired of reading about all this racism. Maybe try switching it up next time and make the victim white. Some black on white racism is what we need to see represented. It's far too much the other way, which misrepresents the truth.

Well written, but I've seen this before and am no longer entertained by it.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 33
khamanna
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 4:23am Report to Moderator
Yellow



Posts
2907
Posts Per Day
0.87
I think I know who wrote it. I'll voice out my guess later.
Very nice dramatic piece. The picture of the wife tapping on her watch works very well in particular.
Very good job I say. Gets my vote for sure.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 33
MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 5:33am Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
UK
Posts
1397
Posts Per Day
0.69
Took me three reads to work out what was going on and I'm still not 100% sure

(SPOILERS)

I think Michela is either a ghost or a figment of Imani's  imagination. If so you need to say as such in the script. Similarly instead of saying Black Girl, say Imani or Young Imani to make it clearer.

As dramatic and brutal as this is, it doesn't click right with me. Imani was abused and bullied, the fact that she snapped and fought back one day shouldn't mean she's cursed for decades afterwards. She would have been punished for what she did and as a black girl, this punishment would have been harsh back then for killing a white girl. She's more than paid the price, this torture feels really wrong.

Some will really dig this and there's nothing wrong with the writing, it just doesn't sit well with me at all and is purely a personal thing.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 6 - 33
ajr
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 6:37am Report to Moderator
Yellow



Posts
1245
Posts Per Day
0.38
Well written, and I like the content.

Started to write my review before the comments and then I saw Mark's and agree that in the 1950s there wouldn't have been a way for her to survive a self-defense killing. Possibly in the North? But then the vitriol is out of place.


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 33
Sandra Elstree.
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 11:14am Report to Moderator
Yellow


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

Location
Bowden, Alberta
Posts
3582
Posts Per Day
0.87
The beginning wasn't clear for me. I had written as a note

Is schoolyard a flashback? I didn't know Michaela was supposed to be a ghost.

I think the idea that Imani killed her is a bit too much, but I don't think that we feel any sympathy for Michaela anyways, so I don't know why Imani would either. I mean, she deserved it. So, yes and no. There's something askew here though. I'm not sure.

The Eeny Meeny is good.

The ending I felt very unsatisfying. Like you ran out of time and didn't go back to try and rework it.

Good concept.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 8 - 33
JEStaats
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 1:13pm Report to Moderator
Green



Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
574
Posts Per Day
0.69
I had to go back and reread a couple times to get the names/characters straight as well. Her son seemed kind of like this happens all the time. He didn't seem too alarmed? Or was it just me?

Good work for a three day challenge.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 33
MarkItZero
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 2:40pm Report to Moderator
Board Moderator



Posts
672
Posts Per Day
0.72
Well, that was interesting. Emotional. I had to read the ending a couple times to understand it. At least, I think I understand it. The wife's reaction is a bit odd. She's a pretty terrible person if her mother-in-laws frequent suicide attempts are a nuisance for her. Maybe I didn't understand the ending...


That rug really tied the room together.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 33
hawkeye
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 6:47pm Report to Moderator
Green



Location
Texas
Posts
566
Posts Per Day
0.26
Okay, it's written well, has an emotional effect, but don't get why Imani is haunted by it after all these years.  If anything, she should feel a relief after what was done to her.  Now if maybe she had gone to prison for a ton of years, that might have some effect on the story.

I notice you didn't identify scenes as FLASHBACKS, which maybe you were trying to hide from the reader, but you need those in there if you're going to be jumping back and forth from past to present.

Best,
Gary


Click on the link for my blog as Rick Hansberry and I take script from concept to completion (and hopefully to the screen) Lake Regret Movie
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 33
pale yellow
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 7:08pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Jacksonville FL
Posts
2022
Posts Per Day
0.79
Whoa I learn something everyday and now I know what an octogenarian is thanks to google.

Wondering if we are going to see some Color Purple stuff in here from the faux author name.

No FADE IN

Someone corrected your spelling of Meeny earlier but it is actually correct as it dates back to this rhyme.

Wow... emotional piece full of drama. My favorite line was at the end of page two when she sees her reflection in the puddle of blood. Wow very very strong there.

Good writing on display here. The Flashbacks could've been market but it didn't bother me in a short piece like this as I knew what was going on...

Really great job. My favorite so far.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 33
StevenClark
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 9:10pm Report to Moderator
Yellow



Location
Upstate NY
Posts
1704
Posts Per Day
0.80
Writer,

I've read like ten so far and was waiting for this one! Very good writing - can tell you're seasoned. I'm not gushing, but this so far is the best of the bunch and rather timely. Good job here, if not a little preachy.

Steve


Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 33
Angry Bear
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 11:20am Report to Moderator
God Queen of the SimplyScriptsVerse



Location
The Swamp...
Posts
6359
Posts Per Day
1.62
I thought this one was rather unpleasant, but I get it. I know what you were going for. Well written, just didn't really connect. Possibly because where I grew up, thongs like this didn't happen.

Good job though.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 14 - 33
 Pages: 1, 2, 3 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    The Quickie Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006