Eeny Meeny by Alice Walker - Short, Drama - An octogenarian struggles with the guilt of her past. 3 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

A little overly dramatic and using the jump rope as a jump rope was cool. The incident was ugly enough. Nigra is an unusual word but I get it, I would have liked to see the beginning of the story when she was "roped" in to the game by the white girls. I wonder how many will have the rope being used as a hangman's noose - I mean it's a retirement home. What else you going to do with it. We'll see.

Should be "meany" given what happens.

The rope as a noose thing seems to be pretty prevalent.

With that said,  I would say there is definitely something here. These three pages had some weight to them - but the story wasn't as clear as it could have been.

Hi,

I think that's the third retirement one I've read where the rope is used as a noose.

Well written, the pacing seems a bit off. I think the incident is just written too violently for the rest of the story. I think that makes sence.

Not bad.

First one set in an old people's home that I've read. Not bad, but I'm a little tired of reading about all this racism. Maybe try switching it up next time and make the victim white. Some black on white racism is what we need to see represented. It's far too much the other way, which misrepresents the truth.

Well written, but I've seen this before and am no longer entertained by it.

I think I know who wrote it. I'll voice out my guess later.
Very nice dramatic piece. The picture of the wife tapping on her watch works very well in particular.
Very good job I say. Gets my vote for sure.

Took me three reads to work out what was going on and I'm still not 100% sure

(SPOILERS)

I think Michela is either a ghost or a figment of Imani's  imagination. If so you need to say as such in the script. Similarly instead of saying Black Girl, say Imani or Young Imani to make it clearer.

As dramatic and brutal as this is, it doesn't click right with me. Imani was abused and bullied, the fact that she snapped and fought back one day shouldn't mean she's cursed for decades afterwards. She would have been punished for what she did and as a black girl, this punishment would have been harsh back then for killing a white girl. She's more than paid the price, this torture feels really wrong.

Some will really dig this and there's nothing wrong with the writing, it just doesn't sit well with me at all and is purely a personal thing.

-Mark

Well written, and I like the content.

Started to write my review before the comments and then I saw Mark's and agree that in the 1950s there wouldn't have been a way for her to survive a self-defense killing. Possibly in the North? But then the vitriol is out of place.

The beginning wasn't clear for me. I had written as a note

Is schoolyard a flashback? I didn't know Michaela was supposed to be a ghost.

I think the idea that Imani killed her is a bit too much, but I don't think that we feel any sympathy for Michaela anyways, so I don't know why Imani would either. I mean, she deserved it. So, yes and no. There's something askew here though. I'm not sure.

The Eeny Meeny is good.

The ending I felt very unsatisfying. Like you ran out of time and didn't go back to try and rework it.

Good concept.

Sandra

I had to go back and reread a couple times to get the names/characters straight as well. Her son seemed kind of like this happens all the time. He didn't seem too alarmed? Or was it just me?

Good work for a three day challenge.

Well, that was interesting. Emotional. I had to read the ending a couple times to understand it. At least, I think I understand it. The wife's reaction is a bit odd. She's a pretty terrible person if her mother-in-laws frequent suicide attempts are a nuisance for her. Maybe I didn't understand the ending...

Okay, it's written well, has an emotional effect, but don't get why Imani is haunted by it after all these years.  If anything, she should feel a relief after what was done to her.  Now if maybe she had gone to prison for a ton of years, that might have some effect on the story.

I notice you didn't identify scenes as FLASHBACKS, which maybe you were trying to hide from the reader, but you need those in there if you're going to be jumping back and forth from past to present.

Best,
Gary

Whoa I learn something everyday and now I know what an octogenarian is thanks to google.

Wondering if we are going to see some Color Purple stuff in here from the faux author name.

No FADE IN

Someone corrected your spelling of Meeny earlier but it is actually correct as it dates back to this rhyme.

Wow... emotional piece full of drama. My favorite line was at the end of page two when she sees her reflection in the puddle of blood. Wow very very strong there.

Good writing on display here. The Flashbacks could've been market but it didn't bother me in a short piece like this as I knew what was going on...

Really great job. My favorite so far.

Writer,

I've read like ten so far and was waiting for this one! Very good writing - can tell you're seasoned. I'm not gushing, but this so far is the best of the bunch and rather timely. Good job here, if not a little preachy.

Steve

I thought this one was rather unpleasant, but I get it. I know what you were going for. Well written, just didn't really connect. Possibly because where I grew up, thongs like this didn't happen.

Good job though.