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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The Quickie Challenge  ›  Eeny Meeny - QC Moderators: MarkItZero
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  Author    Eeny Meeny - QC  (currently 3298 views)
DanC
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 2:39pm Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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I agree with Pia and Mark.  Decent work, but, unpleasant and you need to identify Imani as the girl jumping rope quicker in the story.

How was there a photo taken?  

SPOILERS

Okay, so, she's beaten up, and she gets up, angry and kills the girl.  IF this takes place in the horrific past of the USA during a time when blacks had nearly no rights, she would have been killed.  Or at the least jailed.  So, I was confused about why she wasn't in jail.

The jump rope was used in the past, but, it was used as a noose in the present.  That seemed to be the way most used it.  So, it is what it is, right?

Good luck with it.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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Heretic
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 3:01pm Report to Moderator
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Rushdie last challenge, now we've got Alice Walker.

This feels more like a vignette than anything. At the end, Imani's still where we found her -- trapped in the past and suicidal. If she's our protag, we gotta get a little more out of her. It's unclear whether she feels cursed by the harm that was done her or the harm she was done; these are two very different stories, I think. She's stopped too easily by George, in a way that doesn't have much meaning.

Strong writing. Just feels like the start of a story.
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stevie
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 3:57pm Report to Moderator
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I think the rhyme went 'eeny meeny minie mo catch a nigger by the toe, if he hollers let him go, eeny meeny minie mo' when I was a kid or something like that. None of us back then would've known what it meant lol especially here in Australia.

This had potential to be far better but it lost its way a bit. Good use of the rope - the scripts that make the props prominent are much greater than simply throwing it in to meet the challenge.



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Stumpzian
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 4:28pm Report to Moderator
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Certain things took me out of this story:
A black girl jumping rope with a bunch of white girls in the 1950s? Possible but not likely. Maybe if they all lived in the same neighborhood and were friends, but they were anything but friends.
A newspaper photographer just happened to be there to take a picture when this all happened?

Seems as if the flashbacks should've been labeled if for no other reason than clarity.

Was there no consequence for Imani killing the girl?

In my view, the story doesn't add up as written.

Henry



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Dreamscale
Posted: August 23rd, 2017, 11:25am Report to Moderator
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Last read for me, so you know what that means, right?  Details, details, details.  Hope I can stay in and provide a very detailed review.  Let's see...

If the opening scene takes place in the 50's, you need a SUPER to tell us that.  And, if this is taking place in the 50's, why is a black girl playing with 5 white girls?  I don't think that happened all that often.

And, how did this "vision" turn into a newspaper clipping?  A news team was there for some reason and snapped this shot?  It's an ambitious opening, but I'm not sure it works as intended.

If Imani is supposed to be the black girl from the beginning, we have a definite math issue here.

Why aren't these "old scenes" shown as Flashbacks?  If that's what they are, they need to be labeled as such.

Very, very confusing as written...and it doesn't need to be.  You need proper character descriptions, first of all.  If it makes a difference, as it does here, we need to know what "color" the character is.  Using "Michaela" as seemingly 2 separate characters is confusing again.  Not labeling Flashbacks add confusion.

If this black girl killed a white girl in the 50's, she'd be up shit creek...or killed by enraged white peeps.  Actually, anyone who kills someone is gonna be up shit creek.

The tone seems off throughout.  I don't get a feeling what you want me to feel, and because of that, i don't feel much of anything...kinda like George at the end, who seems to have no feelings for his Mom.

This is a ballsy attempt and I appreciate that, but for me, it does not work as intended.  I do like how the jump rope is used and overall, I like what you attempted.

In the end, though, it doesn't work as written.

***
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Talldave
Posted: August 23rd, 2017, 5:44pm Report to Moderator
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Ahhhhh, so close to being perfect! This was one noose around the neck from being my favorite.

Great writing, relevant topic to today's society, brutally honest, and then she goes and smashes the little girls head against the pavement. If you had just made it a sad reflection of a awful past, without the M. Night Shyamalan twist, you could of knocked this out of the park--in two and half pages no less.

I understand everyone WANTS to bash in the faces of ignorant racist pricks, and that part is pleasing in its own right, but it doesn't quite fit here.

Awesome job nonetheless.
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Michael
Posted: August 23rd, 2017, 7:42pm Report to Moderator
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Hi to all, it's great to be here.

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Had to reread the beginning to figure out the scenes were Past and Present. You need to clear that up. I have one word.    SAD.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: August 25th, 2017, 7:32am Report to Moderator
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Bottom p2 who's that second Michaela – it's no new character as written, so this is no flashback???

And why don't mark the flashbacks anyway. It's super confusing by now.

Okay, I get a sense that the Michaela in the retirement home is a ghost from the past, but (wo)man is that complicated executed, like a puzzle somehow.

I appreciate it's trying to head for a sensible message. My only problem is when it's a racism/violence plot, and regarding all that happens, then I call older Imani's conclusions into question.

She must know that kids back in the days were still kids and those violations she faced then, logically must be related to the society or the other kids surroundings like parents etc.…

Know what I mean? As a woman of advanced age, she could have considered a conclusion, why they acted like they did and why she herself acted as she did when killing Michaela. But her thinking seems actually a bit blank and helpless as if she hadn't worked up anything in all those years.

I just think that she looks a bit too weak at the end. In her advanced age she should have a wiser conclusion at least to a certain degree.

Possibly, her wounds, the emotional ones, are just not shaped out enough for me yet. To me, there's simply something uneven that should be worked up in a later draft.

Ambitious, but not there yet.



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DustinBowcot
Posted: September 1st, 2017, 1:17pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Talldave
If you had just made it a sad reflection of a awful past, without the M. Night Shyamalan twist, you could of knocked this out of the park--in two and half pages no less.


This is what I should have done and I honestly set out to write a story without any blood and brain but I lost my way again. I will rewrite with this in mind and no worries on page count.

In regard the other poor readers and their issues with the lack of flashback labels, I know that anyone with an IQ over 100 will figure out the story line when I expect them to. If you got confused... tough.
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khamanna
Posted: September 2nd, 2017, 7:20am Report to Moderator
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Well it's no surpriss this was yours. It was so obvious that I didn't want to guess aloud. Nice story and ties up very well with the image of the daughter-in-law tapping on her clock. They don't want her and the feelings of unwanted take her back to her childhood. Very sad.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: September 3rd, 2017, 2:14am Report to Moderator
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I'm surprised more didn't guess this was mine, or maybe they did... but I doubt I'd have gotten runner up if they did.

Not bad for a story that starts with a flashback and no flashbacks are labelled at all. The reader is also left to figure out that Imani is the black girl in the flashback and that there was only one Michaela, the one in the present was a figment of Imani's imagination. I read at least one poster ask why there were two Michaelas and the second wasn't in UPPERCASE. Either they're a complete idiot or they were pretending not to get it just to be a dick. I suspect the latter. They pretend confusion, not through any attempt at humour but merely because it's not how they believe it should have been written.

The real writers will get it and so will the real readers. I'm pleased to see they've grown into the majority. The dinosaurs that push rules and attempt to stifle creativity will soon be extinct.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: September 3rd, 2017, 7:58am Report to Moderator
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I thought this one might be you too. You're fairly easy to spot. I had a feeling it was not written by an American due to some things not realistic. The stuff from the -50s for example. It stirred emotions though, which your scripts usually do.

As far as voting goes, I think most of us are mature enough to vote with honesty rather than by popularity of the writers. Or maybe I'm just naive?


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DustinBowcot
Posted: September 3rd, 2017, 9:58am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
I thought this one might be you too. You're fairly easy to spot. I had a feeling it was not written by an American due to some things not realistic. The stuff from the -50s for example. It stirred emotions though, which your scripts usually do.

As far as voting goes, I think most of us are mature enough to vote with honesty rather than by popularity of the writers. Or maybe I'm just naive?


I agree that most here are mature enough to vote with honesty. I like to steal votes from the ones that aren't by hiding my identity as much as possible. In the end, though, stories come out the way they come out and votes don't matter so long as the story is good.

I trip up in some areas when writing with a US persona. Like missing the 1950s thing. Ouch. As a Brit, it just didn't occur to me. Although even here we were far from multicultural in the 50s, a 15-year-old girl, as a juvenile and female, wouldn't suffer the severest punishments. The standing of the victim would also come into play. Of low standing, then it doesn't matter as much within the court system. You get less time for stealing from poor people. Anyway, I digress... She'd have done some time in a borstal most likely, even a chance of being sent to a nunnery in some cases, then after brief psychological evaluation, released into society to live, hopefully, a normal life - perhaps some time in her mid-twenties, or even sooner. So, that was missed... yet the blood and brain were also quite unnecessary, so I didn't really need to go there.

Cheers.
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eldave1
Posted: September 3rd, 2017, 11:14am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DustinBowcot


This is what I should have done and I honestly set out to write a story without any blood and brain but I lost my way again. I will rewrite with this in mind and no worries on page count.


Good luck with the re-write.

In my mind, the gist is the connection of a common childhood symbol of innocence (the jump rope) to something dark/painful. So painful that the woman held on to it for seventy years. That resonates.  





My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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PrussianMosby
Posted: September 3rd, 2017, 4:39pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Dustin,

Alex here …. I hope you're good, mate.  My Review is reasoned 100%.  Of course I knew your script, can sense it a mile wide.. I hope you send me pm or email that we can talk. Best wishes Dustin



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