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Too Short - QC (currently 2459 views) |
Don |
Posted: August 20th, 2017, 11:19pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16417 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Too Short by Blank Space - Short, Romantic Comedy - An aged man tries to hang himself after his lady tells him his dick is too short 3 pages - pdf, format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Warren |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 12:46am |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.36 |
Hi,
There are a few missing words that make it read awkwardly at times, probably just because of the time constraints.
The humour is lost on me. I don't envy you comedy writers, Its a bloody hard task.
Not for me unfortunately. |
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Reply: 1 - 24 |
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Cooper |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 1:21am |
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New
Posts68 Posts Per Day 0.03 |
Loved the first line. He loves her = unfilmable. fetal position is more common than fetus position. I liked the ending and beginning. Some of the middle felt a bit clunky. |
| Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know. |
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Reply: 2 - 24 |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 3:57am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.58 |
Not sure how I feel about this, the logline would put a lot of people off and it felt clumsy, a bit rushed but I kinda warmed up to it as I read it.
-Mark |
| For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK |
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Reply: 3 - 24 |
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grademan |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 9:14am |
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Been Around
LocationWisconsin Posts872 Posts Per Day 0.16 |
A chuckler. Cute. A rough spot or two. The title may have given 'too little' away. |
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Reply: 4 - 24 |
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Gary in Houston |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 9:42am |
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January Project Group
LocationTexas Posts1306 Posts Per Day 0.32 |
I did like how the ending tied back in to the first part of the story. I didn't like how he was going to kill himself because of the perception his dick was too short. I'm sure that would have been pointed out to him at some other time in his life, or that he was already aware of it. So that part of the story didn't work for me.
Actually, what I would have liked is that instead of trying to kill himself, he tries to run away in embarrassment, but hurts himself in a fall because the rope was too short, as was pointed out, then Mary could come visit him and explain what she meant. Might make for a sweet ending.
Good luck, Gary |
| Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
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Reply: 5 - 24 |
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DustinBowcot |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 9:47am |
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Guest User
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I like Gary's ending better... go with that and you have a good story. |
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Reply: 6 - 24 |
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DanC |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 2:03pm |
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Old Timer Killing villains since 1980!
LocationBuffalo NY Posts1131 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
I like Gary's ending better too.
I agree with everyone else.
SPOILERS
So, the old guy who's dick is too short decides now to kill himself? Not buying it...
As a guy past 50, trust me when I say biology happens and things don't work the same. You deal...
Also, her sentence makes no sense in retrospect. What's too short? Did I miss something?
I didn't find it funny. Or sad. So, I don't know what you were going for.
And I also find it very hard to believe that the nursing home would have a room with a jump rope hanging from it so they could escape. Escape and do what?
I mean, they're old, where are they gonna do and with what money will they do it with??
Dan |
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Reply: 7 - 24 |
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JEStaats |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 2:28pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1735 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
I can see the old guy laid out on the sidewalk and the old lady leaning out of a window saying "See, I told you it was too short."
It was a bit of a mess but I liked it. I also chuckled a couple of times as I've heard this age of Viagra has really changed the nightlife of a lot of retirement homes.
Good effort, clean it up and see what happens. |
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Reply: 8 - 24 |
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MarkItZero |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 3:06pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.35 |
I guess I like the ending Hawkeye suggested. And the last line JEStaats mentioned.
There's not really enough material here for three pages even. You could just have him get up from the bed, furious, says he's gonna escape on his own. She's trying to explain she wasn't talking about his dick. He won't listen, climbs out, rope snaps. She looks down and says "Told you it was too short." |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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Reply: 9 - 24 |
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ajr |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 3:45pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1482 Posts Per Day 0.28 |
I sense that a Brit wrote this. I had to re-read it to catch that there was a rope there for their escape, so once you see that, you can guess the ending.
Best part of this for me is that it's categorized under romantic comedy - can we get Jennifer Aniston for Mary? |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
ajr - August 23rd, 2017, 2:23pm | | |
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Reply: 10 - 24 |
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khamanna |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 4:49pm |
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January Project Group
Posts4195 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Hi, I don't think you should change the ending. The ending in this makes better sense than everything else. Besides, I like Hatties talk with the "tramp". And making an old man climb out of the window.., but your call. The middle is clunky, I suggest you work on the middle. Now, if you need to change the ending to unclunk the middle then I say go for it. |
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Reply: 11 - 24 |
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Sandra Elstree. |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 5:10pm |
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Of The Ancients What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?
LocationBowden, Alberta Posts3664 Posts Per Day 0.60 |
Sorry, I'm not going to bother reviewing this one.
Just... oh agh. Should have lied in the logline.
Protag shhuurely should have known that size doesn't matter.
Sandra |
| A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Reply: 12 - 24 |
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Pale Yellow |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 7:28pm |
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January Project Group
Posts2083 Posts Per Day 1.39 |
Ha I got a kick out of this one. Good job writing the dialogue and with the relationships. I liked all your characters. Love the ending... but the last blurb of dialogue I wanted to be a little better. I have no suggestion how to make it better but I just felt like it could've been funnier. Great job. Love the use of the jump rope in this as both an escape route and a noose. |
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Reply: 13 - 24 |
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Tyler King |
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 1:29am |
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LocationIndiana Posts192 Posts Per Day 0.03 |
A comedy? Where though? Didn't laugh once...looks like the writer fell SHORT of humor. Not for me. |
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Reply: 14 - 24 |
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