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The Devil's Dice - QC (currently 2400 views) |
Don |
Posted: August 20th, 2017, 11:20pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16426 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
The Devil's Dice by Ralph Smith - Short, Drama - Hours before the world changes forever, a scientist comes to a church for guidance. 3 pages - pdf, format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Revision History (1 edits) |
Don - August 20th, 2017, 11:33pm | | |
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Warren |
Posted: August 20th, 2017, 11:44pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
Hi, SPOILERS
Quoted Text Neither the sleek cut of his suit nor his handsome face can hide what he’s looking for so intently: salvation. |
How can we know he is looking for salvation? Scripts need to be visual.
Quoted Text by people who cherish it. |
Again, how can we see this?
Quoted Text they almost seem to WHISPER WITH EVIL. |
How would you convey this? Okay so it's Robert Oppenheimer dropping the bomb. Not entirely sure how I feel about it. It does have atmosphere, but for 3 pages I found it long and the dialogue got a bit much. Well have a think about it. |
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Reply: 1 - 21 |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 2:27am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.58 |
Hey there,
I really had no idea what was going on here. Then I read Warren's comments and now I feel stupid but I really didn't figure it out.
There's a lot of padding in this script which won't be conveyed on the screen. A 3 page challenge really emphasizes the need to keep things lean and focus on what the audience will actually see.
-Mark |
| For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK |
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Reply: 2 - 21 |
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Cooper |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 2:33am |
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New
Posts68 Posts Per Day 0.03 |
This script made me feel stoopid lol. |
| Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know. |
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Reply: 3 - 21 |
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DustinBowcot |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 2:53am |
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Guest User
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How old are RAIN and LIGHTNING? Ah, I see, they're visual effects?
I didn't get it. If not for Warren knowing or Googling, I would never have been bothered to find out. This is well-written and your asides do not bother me, however, the story is completely lost on me. |
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Reply: 4 - 21 |
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khamanna |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 7:27am |
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January Project Group
Posts4195 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
Not for me sorry to say. I just didn't get it. And I think it's because of Robert's speech at the beginning. He talks a lot, but everything he says is over my head. Then the old man says something. He has the dice in his hand and I didn't get what role the dice plays in this. I have a feeling the old man is a suicide bomber. I wonder if I'm correct. You gave us a few clues that made me think that. I may be completely off. Let's see. |
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Reply: 5 - 21 |
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grademan |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 9:31am |
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Been Around
LocationWisconsin Posts872 Posts Per Day 0.16 |
Essentially a 2 1/2 page monologue in a church with barely enough clues to figure out what he's talking about. The character of the old man in the church was supposed to be the devil? An ambitious effort but could use a bit of clarity. Felt like you were experimenting with your writing style? Some things fit, others didn't. |
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Reply: 6 - 21 |
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ajr |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 9:47am |
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Old Timer
Posts1482 Posts Per Day 0.28 |
I got Oppenheimer from Robert and the time period so I had a clue of where you were going with this, and I assume the old man is a mythical figure, however I don't know exactly who or what, and I'm not sure how Oppenheimer knew to seek him out at this Church. |
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Reply: 7 - 21 |
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JEStaats |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 10:09am |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1735 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
From the logline and date, I knew exactly where this was going. I had a lot of preconceived notions of where this might go and was looking forward to it.
A great premise but it just didn't do it for me. I knew it would get tagged with some of the un-filmables and the dialog being a bit wordy. You have something here, it just needs to be cleaned up. I didn't get the pips growing and enveloping the hand. I want to know what you were going for here!!!
Good attempt. Revise and let's see it again. |
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Reply: 8 - 21 |
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Dreamscale |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 3:19pm |
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Guest User
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Who are Rain and Lightning?
I can respect this for what it is, but for me, it's dull, hard to follow, and just not my cup of tea.
The writing is OK, but seems to be trying a bit too hard to be something more.
It's a ballsy effort, but not something I will remember at all.
** 1/2 |
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Reply: 9 - 21 |
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Gary in Houston |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 3:34pm |
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January Project Group
LocationTexas Posts1306 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
So Oppenheimer is essentially struggling with the idea of creating a weapon (the atom bomb) that can wipe out humanity -- in effect, he and his colleagues are playing God themselves. While that's an interesting premise, it's too convoluted to be presented coherently in a three page short. I think the problem here is that you have essentially written a monologue, which delves into the psyche of the character speaking, but doesn't give a more detailed look at the issue behind it all because all we're doing is listening to him babble.
Fairly well written, but needs more (like being a feature film) to make this work, in my opinion.
Best, Gary |
| Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
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Reply: 10 - 21 |
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MarkItZero |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 4:43pm |
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Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
I tried to understand it, I really did. But my brain is tiny. So he's burdened by the realization of what he's created. He's going to kill himself to stop it.
And the Old Man has the same kind of burden. He could kill himself and not be The Devil's puppet anymore? Cuz the dice are controlling him. Or he's The Devil himself...
I don't know.
My head hurts. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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Reply: 11 - 21 |
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Sandra Elstree. |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 6:12pm |
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Of The Ancients What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?
LocationBowden, Alberta Posts3664 Posts Per Day 0.60 |
Laplace?
I can't figure it all out.
Why is he seeking salvation? How do we know it? If this were on screen, we'd see him in the pew about to kill himself, but we wouldn't know anything else. 'cept an old man behind him who keeps coughing.
Clarity needed.
Sandra |
| A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Reply: 12 - 21 |
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SAC |
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 9:00pm |
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Of The Ancients … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3208 Posts Per Day 0.78 |
Writer,
Interesting story, and I feel a dialogue heavy approach is one of a couple ways to write a three pager successfully. But it needs clarity, as I really have no idea who Robert really is, or who the old man is behind him. Seems you were going for something deeper, but you just didn't hit the mark.
Steve |
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Reply: 13 - 21 |
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Stumpzian |
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 2:38pm |
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January Project Group
LocationNorth Carolina Posts662 Posts Per Day 0.18 |
This is an ambitious script that flounders along the way.
There's no way to know this is Robert Oppenheimer. He's never even addressed as "Robert." We might get it at the end, given some of what he'd said in church. Still, showing his nametag as he watches the bomb test would help. (Or maybe his name doesn't really matter. Maybe he represents anyone who had qualms about development of the bomb.)
I'd cut way down what he says in church; the average person doesn't know what the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle is, so I'd use only what helps us understand why this unidentified man is "seeking salvation." The old coughing guy and the strange (radioactive?) dice have some meaning, but I missed it.
Nonetheless, I give you high marks for tackling this at all, let alone in three pages.
Henry |
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Reply: 14 - 21 |
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DanC |
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 3:08pm |
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Old Timer Killing villains since 1980!
LocationBuffalo NY Posts1131 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
Again, I agree with everyone else. I was lost until I read the comments. I had no clue what was going on.
Interesting theory of what Robert did before the launch.
Where I really got lost was who was the Old man? Satan? The dice were demonic.
How could Satan be in a church? Or drink holy water?
So, after Robert sets the gun down, does he leave it?
This needs a lot more clarity.
Dan |
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Reply: 15 - 21 |
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stevie |
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 4:13pm |
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Of The Ancients
LocationDown Under Posts3441 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
I'd read most of the comments first so had a fair idea what was the go here. All good until Robert started talking! Complete gibberish to me - needed his dialogue to be coherent and simple so we know who he is and whats happening. As a result I skimmed after that and lost interest.
This could've been the best entry but it was taken inn a wring direction |
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Reply: 16 - 21 |
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Grandma Bear |
Posted: August 23rd, 2017, 1:53pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Swamp... Posts7961 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
I thought this one was pretty good. The fact that we're told this is 1945 gives us a pretty good idea of what he's talking about, IMO. Not sure about pulling the gun on himself in the church though... Is it LONELY church or LONE? Maybe, instead of him going on talking, why not set it in a confessions booth instead? That way we get to see the priest struggling with what he hears as well. Good job! |
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Reply: 17 - 21 |
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Pale Yellow |
Posted: August 23rd, 2017, 8:28pm |
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January Project Group
Posts2083 Posts Per Day 1.38 |
Oh K WOW superb writing on display here.
And wow how I love that you used a real historical figure/event in this.
I have a Robert Oppenheimer story as well that Kevin and I advanced with in the NYC Midnight contest! And in ours the events and what happened to him 'could have' changed history but did not.
You did a great job here. Great dialogue. Great character. Mystery cards throughout. And the irony in him helping the man that turns out to be the devil. Wow ... all I can say.
You got my vote here. |
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Reply: 18 - 21 |
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Michael |
Posted: August 23rd, 2017, 8:40pm |
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New Hi to all, it's great to be here.
LocationVirginia Posts68 Posts Per Day 0.03 |
Just like that B-29 Aeroplane, this script flew right over my head. |
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Reply: 19 - 21 |
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PrussianMosby |
Posted: August 24th, 2017, 10:01am |
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Posts1399 Posts Per Day 0.36 |
Good start all in all, I'm just puzzled why he thinks aloud in a church. On the other hand, it's a pretty bizarre choice to do so and unexpected as well to experience it, so I'm undecided on that…
P2 I don't believe those long monologues do work on screen
Okay, I didn't get it.
Reads somehow as if the devil has some self-doubts, shows some compassion which I think is pretty interesting as a concept. I also take this from his last dialogue where he sates that he could give it all to Robert and be no longer responsible for all bad on his own - but it kind of wouldn't be right - he says (at least how I Interpret it)
Then Robert nevertheless says "Now" and the bomb goes...
So, isn't this contradictory regarding what devil says?
Whatever, the monologues were too long. They should be more direct and touchable.
Otherwise there's already a heavy atmosphere going on that I liked pretty much. Lots of risks are taken here. Ambitious stuff. Definitely worth to revisit. |
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Abe from LA |
Posted: August 27th, 2017, 5:12pm |
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Been Around
LocationDowney, California Posts556 Posts Per Day 0.08 |
THE DEVIL'S DICE
Not a story that can be appreciated in a quick read and especially so if the reader isn't given some heads up as to the main character, and his role in world history.
There is an underlying brilliance on the part of this writer, and the effects DICE has on its readers. It might even parallel Oppenheimer's own brilliance, which of course was so far above the general public in the early-mid 1940s, that most could care less what he (and his team) was creating. Until the bombs were dropped.
And so this story has a lot of meat. But it's also tough to chew. I found myself skipping chunks of dialogue because it wore me down. I didn't need it to know where it was leading me.
I like the setting. The country church is perfect. The old man, not so perfect. His role seems obligatory to meet the rules of the challenge. Dump the old man and the dice. Let Oppenheimer pull off the road and deal with his own demons (depression). I don't think he was a religious sort, but in these hours before the Test, he finds himself at the crossroads. I agree with Pia that Robert's monologue should be a confessional with the church minister
Suggestion: Let this tale be about an [seemingly] ordinary man who is distraught over the suicide of his mistress (Jean Tatlock). We can relate to his personal struggles and his contemplation of suicide. Then, if you choose, back into some of the scientific Let the minister be the one to help Robert find renewed faith and move forward.
Or maybe it's the minister's story from the get-go. The question ultimately posed: if this minister knew who he was saving, would he have intervened in Robert's "suicide"?
Nice job
I'm giving this story high points for the possibilities. |
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