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So just seeing the sign is going to change the course of his life?
I had to read quite a bit of this twice to get it, something about the writing makes it a little confusing to read. Problem is I can't put my finger on what it is, sorry.
I struggled to understand this one. Not sure if English is the writer's first language or if this is rushed, I apologize if neither is the case, but I could not follow or connect with this and I think the reason is the way it is written.
-Mark
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I think your first slug is confusing because it's supposed to be filmed inside the vehicle. So it better be INT. TRUCK - DAY. And you better indicate that it's in motion. It took me time to get through the first scene because of that. Then you have CHAPLAIN and CHARLIE. Both start with "cha" - that's confusing. I liked the way Charlie taught Reena Math. I didn't like Jeffrey changing his mind about farming as no jump rope could do that. Unless he's a signs man - in this case that's just hard to buy into.
This one confused the heck out of me. A bit all over the place. Grammatical errors and missing words. Feels rushed, and it may be it was a last minute entry. I'm just not sure who the story is supposed to be about, Charlie or Jeffrey. I'd settle on one and focus on that storyline, as you only have three pages to make it happen.
Best, Gary
Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
I was expecting to see a pair of dice to make this another combo since Charlie went to see the Chaplain. Psyche! Also, was Charlie saving up meds and just waiting for a shot of whiskey (or whatever) to wash it down? That would suck to finally break down to see your father and having him O.D. with your shot.
I was okay with this. Yes, it was a bit jumbled but a good revision might make something out of this? Nice effort.
Look, the writing style was ok but the jump rope was just barely in there (and served no purpose) and the story was a bit mashed. Seems like a hurried entry so maybe a rewrite could fix it
Seems like you're trying to do too much here. You could just turn this into a simple story of a son coming back to see his father after they had a long falling out. Lose the stuff on the farm, the dream sequence...
All you need is a son visiting his father in a retirement home. Have it be complex on an emotional level. They haven't spoken in years, neither wants to admit how much they need the other. There's blame, anger, resentment all roiling beneath the surface.
Not a bad effort, but a bunch of formatting mistakes, awkward phrasing and such. You tried to pack a bus load of information into three pages and it just didn't work.
Opening narrative is written in fits and starts so it's a bit confusing; however I'm sure a director could unravel it and turn it into images.
Have to disagree with most of what's been said here - true, it's written in muddled fashion, however it's a vignette-style film that I think would look good on screen, and it's the most ambitious one I've read so far. Everyone has a revelation here which is the purpose of storytelling.
I had to read again, but I think there are some strong theatrical ideas here. I admit I'm not a hundred percent clear on what happened, but as above, the main point here is that there's a lot of strong character work in a very few pages. My guess is that, post-challenge, this will be rewritten into a tight and effective five pager.
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