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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The Quickie Challenge  ›  We Got An A - QC Moderators: MarkItZero
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Don
Posted: August 20th, 2017, 11:26pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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We Got An A by A. Nonomous - Short, Drama - A jumprope is the harbinger of change for a senior planning to end it all. 3 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Warren
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 12:22am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Hi,

SPOILERS

So just seeing the sign is going to change the course of his life?

I had to read quite a bit of this twice to get it, something about the writing makes it a little confusing to read. Problem is I can't put my finger on what it is, sorry.

It wasn't bad, It wasn't great.




Revision History (1 edits)
Warren  -  August 21st, 2017, 2:29am
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Cooper
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 2:06am Report to Moderator
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Concur with Warren. The writing could definitely be clearer. Also so many unfilmables.
As a whole, this one didn't connect for me.


Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 4:46am Report to Moderator
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I struggled to understand this one. Not sure if English is the writer's first language or if this is rushed, I apologize if neither is the case, but I could not follow or connect with this and I think the reason is the way it is written.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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khamanna
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 5:43am Report to Moderator
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I think your first slug is confusing because it's supposed to be filmed inside the vehicle. So it better be INT. TRUCK - DAY.
And you better indicate that it's in motion. It took me time to get through the first scene because of that.
Then you have CHAPLAIN and CHARLIE. Both start with "cha" - that's confusing.
I liked the way Charlie taught Reena Math. I didn't like Jeffrey changing his mind about farming as no jump rope could do that. Unless he's a signs man - in this case that's just hard to buy into.
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Gary in Houston
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 11:01am Report to Moderator
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This one confused the heck out of me.  A bit all over the place.  Grammatical errors and missing words.  Feels rushed, and it may be it was a last minute entry.  I'm just not sure who the story is supposed to be about, Charlie or Jeffrey. I'd settle on one and focus on that storyline, as you only have three pages to make it happen.

Best,
Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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JEStaats
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 1:58pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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I was expecting to see a pair of dice to make this another combo since Charlie went to see the Chaplain. Psyche! Also, was Charlie saving up meds and just waiting for a shot of whiskey (or whatever) to wash it down? That would suck to finally break down to see your father and having him O.D. with your shot.

I was okay with this. Yes, it was a bit jumbled but a good revision might make something out of this? Nice effort.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 2:01pm Report to Moderator
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You lost me on the first page. The images you are creating are not clear.
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 2:14pm Report to Moderator
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Opening scene is very, very poorly written...incorrectly written...wrong Slug, poor descriptions, asides.  Just terrible and hard to follow.

The terrible writing continues, but I'm not going to.  Clueless.

No score
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stevie
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 4:06pm Report to Moderator
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Look, the writing style was ok but the jump rope was just barely in there (and served no purpose) and the story was a bit mashed. Seems like a hurried entry so maybe a rewrite could fix it



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MarkItZero
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 5:10pm Report to Moderator
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Seems like you're trying to do too much here. You could just turn this into a simple story of a son coming back to see his father after they had a long falling out. Lose the stuff on the farm, the dream sequence...

All you need is a son visiting his father in a retirement home. Have it be complex on an emotional level. They haven't spoken in years, neither wants to admit how much they need the other. There's blame, anger, resentment all roiling beneath the surface.


That rug really tied the room together.
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SAC
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 8:43pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

Not a bad effort, but a bunch of formatting mistakes, awkward phrasing and such. You tried to pack a bus load of information into three pages and it just didn't work.

Steve


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ajr
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 6:47am Report to Moderator
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Opening narrative is written in fits and starts so it's a bit confusing; however I'm sure a director could unravel it and turn it into images.

Have to disagree with most of what's been said here - true, it's written in muddled fashion, however it's a vignette-style film that I think would look good on screen, and it's the most ambitious one I've read so far. Everyone has a revelation here which is the purpose of storytelling.


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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Heretic
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 2:08pm Report to Moderator
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I had to read again, but I think there are some strong theatrical ideas here. I admit I'm not a hundred percent clear on what happened, but as above, the main point here is that there's a lot of strong character work in a very few pages. My guess is that, post-challenge, this will be rewritten into a tight and effective five pager.
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DanC
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 2:25pm Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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I found this confusing too.  Once I couldn't get into the story, I started skimming.

The jump rope played no role at all.

Sorry, this didn't work for me, and I really have no idea how to make it better.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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