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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The Quickie Challenge  ›  G.O.A.T. - QC Moderators: MarkItZero
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SimplyScripts
Posted: August 20th, 2017, 11:28pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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G.O.A.T. by Jingleheimer Schmidt - Short, Drama - When the greatest boxer of all time grows old, his son is forced to deal with the burdens of his legacy. 3 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Warren
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 12:05am Report to Moderator
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Hi,

SPOILERS

The scene numbers aren't necessary.

What does G.O.A.T stand for?

So the son is stealing from the father and pawning his stuff? I feel like I might have missed something, just because I think there need to be more and either I'm missing it or I didn't quite get it.

Sorry but I wasn't a huge fan of this one.


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Cooper
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 1:35am Report to Moderator
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There could be the beginnings of something here but this one didn't quite land (excuse the pun) for me.


Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 4:40am Report to Moderator
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I don't know why this is called G.O.A.T.

Blink and you miss the rope but it is there!

Numbering scenes is what you do on a shooting script, not required in a a spec script.

I had to read this twice to try and figure out what is going on and I'm still not sure. Is that his son or not? He seems really upset when people refer to him as such. If he's pawning his father's stuff, why bring him the old picture and pretend to be from an awards committee?

-Mark


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khamanna
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 6:36am Report to Moderator
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So I read this twice and still missing a few things.

I found a rope in this - don't think it's the right use of the prop.

The writing slowed down this for me. I felt like I have to watch all these small things, the writings on the shops and packages and such.

And also, I got that Cliff is against his father for some reason. I know his dad is senile right now but don't see why Cliff objects him.
Wish it could be clearer.

Revision History (1 edits)
khamanna  -  August 21st, 2017, 8:01am
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Stumpzian
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 7:59am Report to Moderator
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There's a rope, yes, but it plays no part in the story. That's a problem.

My take is that Cliff is trying to reach his dad somehow. He buys the plaque at a pawnshop with the hope it might cut through the dementia. It doesn't work. So he gives up, decides to pawn the championship belt. (Will try to read again to see whether I'm off.)

Interesting dynamic there that could be enhanced my removing clutter and sharpening focus.



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ajr
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 9:58am Report to Moderator
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Agree with the comments above, I had to read it several times to figure out who is who and what is going on. I think Stumpzian may be onto what has happened here, and I agree that without the constraints of the page limit this could breathe more and be something very touching.


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DanC
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 2:27pm Report to Moderator
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I agree with everyone else.  

SPOILERS

Was that his son or not?  Why did his son steal from him?  

It'd be different if the son was so heartbroken that he stole the stuff because he blamed it for taking his father away from him, but, that wasn't your story.

So, I'm left with lots of unanswered questions that I need to know in order to form an opinion.

The jump rope was barely in it and had no meaning at all.

Dan


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JEStaats
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 2:38pm Report to Moderator
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I'm pretty sure Cliff is his son. When he passed the gym and there was that last poster without a stamp, I thought he might be an up and coming boxer but remembered he was 60. So, out in the weeds again.

I think there's definitely something here, but not sure where it should be taken. As it is, it's not for me.
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hawkeye
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 2:48pm Report to Moderator
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I assumed Cliff was Daniel's son, but what I couldn't figure was whether he was hocking items at the pawn shop to steal from his father or to pay for the cost of keeping him in the nursing home.  Probably should make that more clear.  I don't think the scene with the Passenger is needed - it doesn't really add anything to the story, in my opinion.  Not bad writing, just a little muddled.  I think if you had a few more pages, you could turn this into something nice.

Best,
Gary


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Dustin
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 3:42pm Report to Moderator
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Wilhelm Steinitz

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Code

CLIFF (60) is a white collar guy towering at 68" with a
lackluster build.



Second script I've read with the misuse of the word 'lacklustre'. The Same writer perhaps?

I have no idea what happened here.
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 4:13pm Report to Moderator
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Poorly written throughout.

Poorly realized and written characters.

Jump rope has nothing to do with this story.

Impossible to follow what's going on and/or why.  Clueless as to the intentions here.

Not for me at all.

1/2



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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stevie
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 4:20pm Report to Moderator
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For anyone who hasn't googled it yet, G.O.A.T stands for Greatest of All Time. Its the slangy/nickname for any person  - usually sportspeople - who may be considered the best thats played that sport eg - Jerry Rice, Pele, Maradona, Jordan etc. The Beatles are the GOATS of music too.

This short had a good concept but couldn't quite nail it. The jump rope - which is actually a skipping rope - had no bearing on the story. Anyway fair effort, needs a good rewrite


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Angry Bear
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 4:32pm Report to Moderator
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, Where I live, we call it
jumping rope. I have never heard of a skipping rope.


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stevie
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 4:35pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Angry Bear
, Where I live, we call it
jumping rope. I have never heard of a skipping rope.


Must be a US kind of thing, Pia lol


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