G.O.A.T. by Jingleheimer Schmidt - Short, Drama - When the greatest boxer of all time grows old, his son is forced to deal with the burdens of his legacy. 3 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi,

SPOILERS

The scene numbers aren't necessary.

What does G.O.A.T stand for?

So the son is stealing from the father and pawning his stuff? I feel like I might have missed something, just because I think there need to be more and either I'm missing it or I didn't quite get it.

Sorry but I wasn't a huge fan of this one.

There could be the beginnings of something here but this one didn't quite land (excuse the pun) for me.

I don't know why this is called G.O.A.T.

Blink and you miss the rope but it is there!

Numbering scenes is what you do on a shooting script, not required in a a spec script.

I had to read this twice to try and figure out what is going on and I'm still not sure. Is that his son or not? He seems really upset when people refer to him as such. If he's pawning his father's stuff, why bring him the old picture and pretend to be from an awards committee?

-Mark

So I read this twice and still missing a few things.

I found a rope in this - don't think it's the right use of the prop.

The writing slowed down this for me. I felt like I have to watch all these small things, the writings on the shops and packages and such.

And also, I got that Cliff is against his father for some reason. I know his dad is senile right now but don't see why Cliff objects him.
Wish it could be clearer.

There's a rope, yes, but it plays no part in the story. That's a problem.

My take is that Cliff is trying to reach his dad somehow. He buys the plaque at a pawnshop with the hope it might cut through the dementia. It doesn't work. So he gives up, decides to pawn the championship belt. (Will try to read again to see whether I'm off.)

Interesting dynamic there that could be enhanced my removing clutter and sharpening focus.

Agree with the comments above, I had to read it several times to figure out who is who and what is going on. I think Stumpzian may be onto what has happened here, and I agree that without the constraints of the page limit this could breathe more and be something very touching.

I agree with everyone else.  

SPOILERS

Was that his son or not?  Why did his son steal from him?  

It'd be different if the son was so heartbroken that he stole the stuff because he blamed it for taking his father away from him, but, that wasn't your story.

So, I'm left with lots of unanswered questions that I need to know in order to form an opinion.

The jump rope was barely in it and had no meaning at all.

Dan

I'm pretty sure Cliff is his son. When he passed the gym and there was that last poster without a stamp, I thought he might be an up and coming boxer but remembered he was 60. So, out in the weeds again.

I think there's definitely something here, but not sure where it should be taken. As it is, it's not for me.

I assumed Cliff was Daniel's son, but what I couldn't figure was whether he was hocking items at the pawn shop to steal from his father or to pay for the cost of keeping him in the nursing home.  Probably should make that more clear.  I don't think the scene with the Passenger is needed - it doesn't really add anything to the story, in my opinion.  Not bad writing, just a little muddled.  I think if you had a few more pages, you could turn this into something nice.

Best,
Gary

Code CLIFF (60) is a white collar guy towering at 6’8" with a lackluster build.

Second script I've read with the misuse of the word 'lacklustre'. The Same writer perhaps?

I have no idea what happened here.

Poorly written throughout.

Poorly realized and written characters.

Jump rope has nothing to do with this story.

Impossible to follow what's going on and/or why.  Clueless as to the intentions here.

Not for me at all.

1/2

For anyone who hasn't googled it yet, G.O.A.T stands for Greatest of All Time. Its the slangy/nickname for any person  - usually sportspeople - who may be considered the best thats played that sport eg - Jerry Rice, Pele, Maradona, Jordan etc. The Beatles are the GOATS of music too.

This short had a good concept but couldn't quite nail it. The jump rope - which is actually a skipping rope - had no bearing on the story. Anyway fair effort, needs a good rewrite

, Where I live, we call it
jumping rope. I have never heard of a skipping rope.

Quoted from Grandma Bear , Where I live, we call it jumping rope. I have never heard of a skipping rope.

Must be a US kind of thing, Pia lol

Interesting title.. made me remember a director friend of mine is actually looking for a black goat for a film.

Scene Headings or Slugs - If you put too much information in your slug, it really slows the read. For example.. Local Urban Pawn Shop ... shorten to Pawn shop. Someone already mentioned scene numbers but you may be using a free software that is attaching them there for some reason... not sure.

I'm not a stickler for rules or format but I like to at least get a sense of the location description before I get a character intro'd. You could have the character speak voice over while you show us the shop as well...

OH I see why you used the G.O.A.T title now... Greatest of all times for those of you who do not know this. Ironic that GOAT can also signify 'scapegoat' and other negative symbolism. Interesting.

I think this story has some potential. I'd almost rather see some sort of relationship between the Dad and son and I'd also like to see some conflict. Conflict from this could stem from: Cliff stealing the belt. Cliff selling the only good memory he had of his Dad. Cliff thinking his Dad didn't remember what the belt even was but in the end he did... you could use the conflict in a twist perhaps.

Anyway good job with the three day challenge. I enjoyed reading this.

>as looks down at it.

Man that has to suck.

I don't know about this one. It isn't clear to me what's going on.

The rope is in the story, but why bother. It's as significant as anything else might be here.

Why is a nameless passenger's dialogue critical to this story? It takes up space and doesn't contribute anything.

Something good:

Cliff drops an empty beer in the bushes right outside the
gate before he enters the premises. As he approaches the
door he remembers the cigarette still lit between his lips.

This is a strong revelation of character. Good work here. He doesn't give a shit about dropping his beer anywhere. And ditto about ruining the door mat by stomping it out there. Amazing he cared enough to even do that.

So, all in all:

Think about eliminating all excess that doesn't contribute in a very specific way to the nutshell you want put across. Scene by scene.

Make it so,  
Sandra

Writer,

I like boxing, and I must say you have the best jump rope tie-in that I've seen so far. Nice job! However, this totally confused the hell out of me. GOAT? Don't know. The rest just left me scratching my head. But, I really think this story has potential if made clearer.

Steve

When I first read GOAT, I thought it was gonna be a fallout 3 story, which is one of my all time fav video games, up there with Skyrim and Oblivion.

Dan

The best of the lot, so far. A sharp mini-tragedy with nice, quiet storytelling. He's got the height but a lacklustre build -- he's got the genes but not the spirit. I like.

I do want to know what specific financial situation has him selling off his father's legacy. It seems like there's an opportunity to bring in a lot more context, there. But as a mini-tragedy of a man overshadowed by his father, this is strong stuff.

(Why the scene with the Passenger? His father didn't give him the name -- he added the "Junior" himself when he began following in his father's footsteps. This tells us a ton about their relationship and the tradeoffs he's made in trying to have his own life. It tells us that he's ashamed of some of those tradeoffs. It tells us he was publicly known himself. Etc.)

There's a lot of potential here. I actually enjoyed it as is except for one confusing part. But I think you could do a lot with this if expanded. The son who can't stand being stuck in his father's shadow... and the painful reality of the shell of a man his father is now... lots of good stuff here.

I think the jump rope use was fine. It didn't feel shoehorned in at all to me. The author had to come up with a reason for a jump rope being in a retirement home. His/her solution was to make the father a retired boxer so he'd have an old jump rope lying around. It may not have had much screen time, but it wasn't an afterthought.

The part that confused me was the plaque given to Daniel. It might be what Stumpzian said. Or just his guilt-ridden attempt to at least replace what he's stealing with something. Giving him a picture of his winning belts that he's now selling off for cash.

It's hard to tell.

Scene numbers not required at this stage of execution

"starts waving"

Almost never use the words "start" or "begin". Those words are killers when it comes to chronological storytelling in present and simply take me away from the read.

Okay, haven't understood why he's ashamed (he seems to be at least) of his dad regarding his reply in the subway. Perhaps because he felt guilty stealing from him?

Not bad, a solid approach, but it doesn't fully convince me. There's too few conflict yet.

I took this as the son pawning his dad's Championship belt without permission. I've read a few retirement home scripts now and in the others, most of the time someone died via suicide. I think I find this even more depressing. Being depressed and want to end it all or being betrayed by your own family member.  A downer for sure.

I don't understand the exact meaning of this one. Why would he pawn the belt?

John Jangle Jinglhiemer Schmidt that's my name too.
Whenever i go out, the kids they always shout.
They sing John Jangle Jinglehiemer Schmidt.
DAADADADADADADDAD
I used to love that song.

CLARITY-

I can't figure out how to get celtx to stop numbering my scenes...

G.O.A.T. Means greatest of all time,  thought it was more well known phrase, must be a New England thing *cough cough* Tom Brady *cough cough*

This is basically an internal struggle of a man who wants to blame his father for the way he ruined his life, but in his fathers deteriorated mental state he has no way to obtain closure with him.

Starting with the gift, it was a cheap gesture, barely an attempt at something nice by someone who doesn't have a lot of money. He pays for the plaque with crumpled up bills, crumpled up bills here are a quiet signifier of the gifts unimportance and Cliffs poverty. The plaque was described as cheap and only had a small picture of Daniel on it, nothing else. Once again, making it not much of a grand gesture, but more of a pitiful attempt at nothing.

Cliffs conversation on the train was important to the story, but I may have made it a little too quiet. He was GIVEN the name Junior as a ring name, the nickname boxers are given are generally called ring names. That's why he protested to being called Junior on the train, because if he had chosen the name Junior he wouldn't of much cared that people called him that. But, by giving him the ring name Junior, and by strangers on trains identifying with him as Junior, he is shown as being cast in his fathers shadow. He isn't recognized as Cliff, his is recognized as Junior, which is basically saying his is just a smaller version of his father. This was to show how society saw him, and how he detested that view.

The gym he passes is his fathers old gym, hence all his fight posters being displayed. They all have W on Daniels side, signifying he WON or got the W in those fights. Cliff has one poster, meaning he only had one fight, and there's no W on it, meaning he must not of gotten the win, and since there is only one poster of his he most likely quit boxing after. Another shadow cast on him by his father.

Then we get to the nursing home and he gets there late at night somewhat drunk, and hands his dad the crappy plaque. The giving of the gift is up for interpretation, after having such a terrible relationship with your father who is now totally crippled (dementia onset by boxing, too many blows to the head) Cliff is conflicted with how to feel about his father, but one thing is for sure, he hates boxing.

After dealing with someone with dementia you realize there gets to be a point where it's kind of hopeless, and you aren't even dealing with the same person you once knew, so Cliff puts in enough effort to say that he tries to be good to his father, but not enough to burden himself over it. Hence the cheap gift. And it's got the belts in the picture so maybe there's a little bit of "yeah I'm selling your belt, but your old and lost your mind so what's the difference between a picture and the real thing."

He sells the belt because in the end the belt is the ultimate symbol for everything that ruined his life. It's the symbol of greatness in boxing, and getting rid of it is the only closure available to Cliff. His fathers great legacy had been nothing but a burden to Cliff, and so he feels by getting rid of the belt he can get rid of the cloud of his fathers greatness and finally move on. As he sees his own twisted face in the reflection of the belt, he sees how boxing has twisted him as a person.

Basically boxing ruined him, and boxing took away his father, once when he was young and healthy because boxing was his fathers life, and again when he got older it ruined his mind.

I saw a guy on Saturday with a G.O.A.T T-shirt on and I so wanted to ask him what it meant but I didn't have the guts!

Quoted from MarkRenshaw I saw a guy on Saturday with a G.O.A.T T-shirt on and I so wanted to ask him what it meant but I didn't have the guts!

Should of grabbed him by his collar and screamed in his face "WHAT DOES IT MEAN??"

Lol - Yeah, next time I do I will. Then he'll tell me and I'll shout, "I KNOW!"

Then he will really be confused  xD