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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The Quickie Challenge  ›  Dance Away, Lover - QC Moderators: MarkItZero
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Don
Posted: August 20th, 2017, 11:28pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Dance Away, Lover by Marty - Short, Comedy - An elderly woman has an unusual way of showing her affection. - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Warren
Posted: August 20th, 2017, 11:57pm Report to Moderator
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Hi,


Quoted Text
A jump rope lays on the floor.


Lies on the floor.

The comedy was a little lost on me, people do say it's subjective though so I'll be interested to see other peoples thoughts.

I liked the take a hit of oxygen bit, but the ending fell a bit flat.



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Cooper
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 12:34am Report to Moderator
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Really liked beginning. Thought it was going for a sweet tale of new and old love. Obviously not lol. Didn't love the ending.


Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know.
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 3:53am Report to Moderator
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A nice setup, some awkward writing (maybe a bit rushed for time?) and a gross ending. Not really for me but I bet some will love this.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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khamanna
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 4:17am Report to Moderator
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Haha, reading what Mark wrote for this and like he says some may love the ending in this - I love the ending. I actually liked this very much. Very well done, writer.
It starts strong, too - I could visualize both Ralph and Hattie very well.
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 10:14am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Warren
Lies on the floor.


No, incorrect.

This is correct as written.  Inanimate objects do "lay".  Animate objects "lie".



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Dreamscale
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 10:20am Report to Moderator
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Well, not sure but I'm assuming this is meant to be funny?  It's not at all, until literally the very last line of dialogue.

Writing is OK, but far from good, with missing punctuation, incorrectly broken up passages, odd phrasings, etc.

There really isn't any story or plot here at all, and the jump rope thing is completely shoehorned in.

Not for me, sorry to say.

* 1/2


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Dustin
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 10:25am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder than dialogue.

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lay = put someone or something down.

lie (in this context) = be in a horizontal position on a surface.
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hawkeye
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 10:30am Report to Moderator
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uhhhhh.... well, that was, um, interesting? Frankly, I don't know what to feel about this other than a bit puzzled.  I thought you were going to go in a different direction with some asphyxiation fantasy, but I guess this is close enough!

Overall, the story was fine -- I liked Ralph's line at the end.  That totally made the story for me.

Best of luck,
Gary


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JEStaats
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 10:49am Report to Moderator
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I thought this was going to go dark, for sure. WRONG! The mental image was disturbing so maybe it did go dark!

Cute. Like Hawkeye, Ralph's last line was the best.
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Dustin
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 11:00am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder than dialogue.

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Code

RALPH
I'm glad I'm NOT Marty.



I liked this, but instead of the above dialogue, I would have cut to Ralph making a swift exit from the room, maybe even mumbling 'No, he isn't' under his breath, haha. Nice work.
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ajr
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 11:07am Report to Moderator
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Torn with this one. I think the visual would be funny, however I think that there's an inherent sadness in these places, and Hattie is not on her own joke, which makes this more sad for me than funny.


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Dustin
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 11:14am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder than dialogue.

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Quoted from ajr
Torn with this one. I think the visual would be funny, however I think that there's an inherent sadness in these places, and Hattie is not on her own joke, which makes this more sad for me than funny.


The cool thing about her is that she doesn't know any different. Tomorrow another guy will be her Marty. She's got it easier than Ralph.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 11:40am Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Indeed, when did the Internet steal a child's imagination.

It's true and a good line, but felt like it was wrong for the script and now I know why.

How did it get there is my question.

Otherwise, this was a good story with a happy ending.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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StevenClark
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 8:03pm Report to Moderator
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Haha Writer!

Nothing like saggy breasts and wrinkled buttocks to give me a laugh. Very funny. Also enjoyed the scene where Ralph scans the room and sees walkers, wheelchairs, oxygen tanks, etc. Funny stuff. However, story was lacking, didn't make much sense and the rope seemed randomly thrown in. Still, it gave me a laugh!

Steve


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