SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 29th, 2024, 7:58am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The Quickie Challenge  ›  Be Devil - QC Moderators: MarkItZero
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Be Devil - QC  (currently 2900 views)
Don
Posted: August 20th, 2017, 11:30pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Be Devil by Lord Byron - Short, Horror - A teenage girl takes refuge in a church, under the protection of a strict minister. But evil comes in many disguises.  3 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
khamanna
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 1:17pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79
It was hard to read for me for the very obvious reason but ultimately I liked this.
Senta and the dog's revival is not justified though. They are kind of at your will and I think it's a bit much to take.
Still good imagery and a well done short.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 21
DanC
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 1:18pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Killing villains since 1980!

Location
Buffalo NY
Posts
1131
Posts Per Day
0.34
I agree with the 2 of you.  This was pretty awful for the subject matter alone.

A few typos.  

I am not sure you can ever get this filmed.  

However, the biggest issue is other than the "horny old priest pedophile" I didn't get it.

If I'm gonna read something like this, and draw any sort of meaning, for dramatic purposes, I'd like to know why, and why I should care about the priest at all.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 21
Dreamscale
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 1:32pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



2nd passage - "...in an empty church" - Yeah, we know she's in a church, as the Slug tells us that.

"REV. LOCKE, 50s, tall, gangly, slick hair, dressed in dark clothing. He towers over Senta like a vulture." - No reason at all to have this broken down as 2 sentences, as the 1st has no verb.  Use a comma and combine these 2.

"Locke lifts her chin. She opens her eyes, as he smiles down." - This is a poorly written passage.  Here's why - 1st sentence is confusing, as you have Locke lifting Senta's chin, but you're only using "her", which makes it read awkwardly.  Next sentence, in the same passage, then changes to Senta doing something, starting with "She", and then in the same sentence, "he" - awkward and confusing.

The writing throughout is very awkward with strange breaks in sentences, incorrect breaks, incomplete thoughts, subject-less fragments.

Story for me goes nowhere and means nothing.  The dice aspect completely thrown in for literally no reason at all.

Not for me.

*
Logged
e-mail Reply: 3 - 21
JEStaats
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 1:33pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


No sh*t, there I was....

Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
1735
Posts Per Day
0.62
I had a hard time making any sense of this. The logline said that she was seeking refuge in the church: From what and with that freak? I don't think she wasn't running from her own dog. It was all really weird and jumbled.

And more necrophilia? From one religious fanatic to another. Not for me, thanks.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 21
DustinBowcot
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 1:41pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Code

 A pair of diced earrings shiver from her ears.



Nice.


A decent story but a little too neatly tied up. It actually reminds me of a real story not long ago, where a 15-year-old girl was raped by a Muslim man in my city. After getting away from him, she flagged down a Muslim taxi driver who, after pretending to be helping her, drove her to a secluded spot and raped her himself.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 5 - 21
stevie
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 3:58pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Down Under
Posts
3441
Posts Per Day
0.61
No dice so...no dice from me



Logged
Private Message Reply: 6 - 21
Gary in Houston
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 7:32pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Texas
Posts
1306
Posts Per Day
0.32
I'm just going to say this one was fine on the writing, but the story just left me blah.  Hopefully others find it more to their suiting.
Good luck,
Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 21
Warren
Posted: August 21st, 2017, 9:42pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3897
Posts Per Day
1.36
Hi,

So this priest couldn't care less about getting caught firing a gun in his church?

I think there is too little information to make this a cohesive story. Why did she come back? How did she come back? It's all convenient for the story.

The use of the dice was very weak in this one.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 21
Tyler King
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 12:44am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Indiana
Posts
192
Posts Per Day
0.03
Is the "diced earrings" supposed to be the use of dice here? If so, shouldn't it read "dice earrings"? Otherwise, "diced" has a completely different meaning...

Story was weak, IMO. And hey another pedophile priest... Formatting was good and read fast, that's about it though. Don't really know where the 'horror' was though...read more like a drama/suspense to me.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 9 - 21
MarkRenshaw
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 3:24am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
2335
Posts Per Day
0.59
Didn't get this at all, I've got this image of a dog using a rifle to shoot a priest and that's about as much sense as I can make of this. It seems to be shocking simply to shock, with no reasoning behind it. Not for me, sorry.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 10 - 21
Stumpzian
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 9:08am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
North Carolina
Posts
662
Posts Per Day
0.18
I didn't see much "seeking refuge" as promised in the logline; I'd like to know from what and why. I knew immediately this guy wasn't going to do any "protecting" (hand on her head, etc.)

Diced earrings (chopped?) barely counts as using the required object.

I very much like your description of his movements as being like a mantis. I think I'd get rid of the vulture simile and focus on the mantis. (Also, it fits the character: praying mantis/preying mantis).

A believability problem here: As soon as the girl exits the room, the priest shoots her through the window. Remember, she had to go downstairs, out of the church. Plus, in the darkness, he shoots her twice in the same area of her neck! I recommend redoing this last part of the story.

Henry



Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 21
MarkItZero
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 11:00am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Posts
1007
Posts Per Day
0.35
Doesn't work for me. It's all over the place. The concept is good. Now you have to find ways to wring the most tension of out it.

The pedophile stuff is not tense. It doesn't seem like she's being lured into it, or too afraid to resist, or forced to make any sort of decision. It just happens. No resistance, no reaction.

Then he's about to shoot a dog and it's a complete 180 with her wildly overreacting, shouting at him that he's crazy. If it just dawned on her she's trapped with a crazy man the last thing she would do is announce that fact out loud.

Think about something like 10 Cloverfield Lane. The tense beats are stuff like her pretending, manipulating, trying to hide her true thoughts and intentions in a desperate attempt at survival.


That rug really tied the room together.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 21
Heretic
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 12:52pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada
Posts
2023
Posts Per Day
0.28
This one's got too much stuff for this short a story -- in particular, you've gotta earn it if you want us to stick around for the nasty content. There was lots of fun in the details and I think it could be a satisfying short if there was a bit more development of our protagonist. Even as a three pager, there'd be plenty of room to learn a little more about the situation if this didn't dwell on the rape so much. Less is more here, I think.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 13 - 21
SAC
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 3:17pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
3201
Posts Per Day
0.79
Writer,

Okay, did I miss the dice? I skimmed through again and didn't find it. Regardless, a fanatical preacher protecting a girl from a dog he believes is Satan? Then a little necrophilia, then she's not really dead. Writing wasn't bad, and the tension was pretty good, but this all kinda fell apart for me.

Steve


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 21
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    The Quickie Challenge  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006