This was a difficult read for me.

Did someone post this showing how "not" to write?

How do you plod in stilettos?

>The Janitor is about to exchange the nameplate Mr. Bell for Mrs. Harling

I took it to mean she was moving in, being replaced by Mr. Bell.

Nurse #1's Dialogue is really bad.

>E-ven-tu-a-lly dare to come here

But wait, NURSES were somehow one character so Nurse #1 wasn't introduced and there is no Nurse #2 or #3 etc...

The following

>Below the hanging triangle handle, on the bed sheets,

I had to read that a few times, my eyes glazing over to realize that that

hanging triangle handle thingy was what you see in hospitals.

This is a small apartment. The level of care wouldn't be like that I would suppose.

My jaw might have hit the floor in an over the top moment when I discovered the last page.

Someone was just playin' here. Ha. Ha.  

Sandra

Writer,

A good subject, but this fails at the end because nothing is learned or discovered. Perhaps Marissa discovers something that her mother had kept that proves her mother always loved her, and that the guilt Marissa felt was somehow not needed because a mother's love transcends all. I get that's what you were going for with the photo, but there's no indication Marisa felt anything upon viewing it. Nice premise, just needs a better execution.

Steve

This has potential, but the V.O. for the most part annoyed me. Especially the back and forth. I would suggest not having two people doing V.O. I did like the very last dialogue though. Well written too. Just needs some tweaking to really get a good story to come of it.

Okay, you had me until page 3, thought this was going to be one of the best ones...

Disagree with the others about the V.O. People talk to themselves all the time and in cinema that would take the form of voice-over. And it's natural to imagine your loved ones talking back to you. I do it all the time.

Agree with the others that this goes off the rail with the therapist. Marissa's dialogue is very on the nose, and the therapist speaks way too much - not really what they do. And in the end the therapist really offers nothing.

I like this one though because survivor's guilt and family relations are a very meaty playing field. I would suggest you keep Marissa tortured on page 3 or whatever length you expand this to when free from the contest constraints, and find a way to show that either her mother understood, or - maybe some guilt is truly earned?

Very nice.  Heartfelt and a reminder to us all, Say it now before it's too late.

one the nose, heavy handed, not sure the voice overs were really used well here.

Thanks for your feedback.

I can comprehend all of your comments. In the 2017s challenges, I always felt compelled to hold the deadline only. At least I could accomplish that. Then it seems I lost something on my way, perhaps mostly inspiration and fantasy.

The message of my script has potential, you're right, but I must make it a truly dark melodrama that works more emotionally.