Unparalleled by Liam McCann - Sci Fi, Fantasy - When Jason and his wife are killed in a car crash, he becomes another version of himself in an alternate reality. Can he unravel the mysteries of this parallel universe and find a way to save his wife? 98 pages - pdf, format

I read to page 28 so far. This is what I know: Jason dies and finds another body to live in but still retains his memories from his former life. Having these memories he seems to do what this new host would have done and ends up in an armed robbery that his host was to be part of but Jason has no clue about. What I mean, is why would Jason, retaining all his former soul do what he did? He is where this other guy is supposed to be at the right time, as planned with the host dude. And how does the host dude just disappear and Jason appears in his body?

The other part is I'm at page 28, your script is 94 pages long, so I am a third in and haven't a clue to what this is about.

The writing is not bad but not exhilarating either; feels like there is no life in it.

The detective and Jason part ways and the detective says if you remember anything else give me a call yet there has been no conversation to remember anything more about.

Jason produces the flash drive (for Alex) he doesn't have a clue about?

Kevin says Jason is shitting himself but I have yet to see Jason shit himself over what has been happening. Jason is taking this all in stride, just like the plot demands.

Just a note, I am half way through and Jason hasn't even thought about his wife (kind of like a husband, huh).

Way in and Jason comes back as Jason as CJ again when Jason first woke up as CJ.

Ok, you got multi-verse stuff going on and rebirthing and now time travel like ground hog day. You're all over the place with this.

Now Jason is a crack shot.

So now it cranks up like Live, Die, Repeat. Reminds me a lot of Edge of Tomorrow.

So interesting premise but things just happen. Seems there is no control, for Jason, in order to make things happen the way they are supposed to or how he wants them to. While it might appear not to be random, it is random, but the random happens all too clean. It takes too long to get going, however you do tie things together. It's just too neat and tidy. Edge of Tomorrow had Cage figuring it out then making choices that made a difference, building one on the other. Maybe I missed it, but yours seems like pure chance. If Jason hadn't done the first round in the bank right he would have zero, but he did too much right without even knowing it. Maybe the bad guys knew that? Heck, I don't know.

If the basic premise is Michael needs Ceri dead in order to make a bundle, why the bad armor plot line?

You did well putting this all together but it comes off too unreal for me to suspend my disbelief.

Hi,

Thanks again for your comments on one of my scrips - I hope I haven't offended you in a former life...!

I agree that this one can be a little difficult to follow but I was hoping people would read to the end before commenting. Otherwise the comments can sound as muddled as the script

When Jason dies, his soul searches infinite parallel universes and eventually inhabits another version of himself, in the past present or future. He takes part in the robbery because he needs time to learn about his new environment and work out a way of getting 'home'. His personality dominates every host he enters because I wanted good to triumph over evil (two or more sides to every personality).

I can accept the writing being not bad. From you, this is a glowing compliment!

The conversation between Jason and detective happened in the bank but was unnecessary to the plot so I cut it.

Jason realises the flash drive may hold the key to what's happening in this reality so he shows it to Alex. I want him to come across as the fish out of water (Marty McFly?), but if he doesn't seem out of his depth (shitting himself) I'll have a re-think.

When Jason realises he can save his wife, he is faced with the biggest choice of his life: whether or not to kill himself. I would call that a suitable 'pinch' moment and hope it does drive the plot forward.

As in Edge of Tomorrow, Jason has to keep dying so he can reach his goal. Sometimes when he dies, things are different, which mirrors the randomness of space and time. Ripples in the fabric etc.

I'll take the comparison with Groundhog Day and Edge of Tomorrow as another compliment. I seem to remember them doing okay at the box office.

I'll certainly take your points on board and will make the necessary changes to make it easier to read/understand, plus I'll try to make the writing more exhilarating.

Thanks again.

Well, I am okay, but my former self is trying to find out where you live.

You seem to imply I didn't read all the way to the end... :/

The part about Jason's soul...that doesn't mean Jason has control. It's chance. Why would Jason realize the flash drive would be the key. There is no reason. It's not in his wheelhouse as far as I could tell. He's a motocross guy. What does he know?

The part about Jason finally killing himself for things to NOT go bad makes sense, and I knew that part when I saw it, I felt the urgency, but it came too late in the game. And what about things going right? He knew he couldn't do THAT, but he didn't know what he could do. He has not control of the real outcome. It is not like Edge of Tomorrow that way at all. Jason has no control to where he will end up. Why didn't he jump way out of the timeline, like show up as a caveman being eaten by a T-Rex? I get the plot does't support that but it could happen. You have to eliminate why those things could not happen. Get rid of the chance. What reason to be a baby in a burning house? I think you need something that gives Jason control so he can make choices that really matter.

Hi,

The flash drive gets mentioned to Jason several times during the initial robbery, which leads him to believe his files hold the key to what's going on (heist-wise).

I didn't suggest you hadn't read the whole script, only that you were making comments as you went along. If I understood every film after 28 minutes and knew what was going to happen for the remaining hour or so, I'd stop watching the movie. I was hoping to arouse your interest early on and then keep you guessing for a while longer.

I didn't feel it necessary to eliminate the other possibilities to which you refer. In Groundhog Day, no explanation is given as to why Phil Connors enters the time loop. The audience realises that he must overcome the stages of grief, learn to respect himself and get the girl before he breaks the loop. I'd hoped it was equally clear from this script that Jason must jump many times (not all of them shown of course as this would clutter the script) before he's in a position to save his wife and break the loop.

I agree that if this feels too convenient/contrived, then I'll have a re-think. It is, after all, only a first draft. Jason clearly does need to drive the story from the point where he resolves to kill himself, even though this doesn't happen immediately.

Thanks again.

I think it's a worth while story. The problem with Jason is he is not going WTF! He just settles in and rolls with it like he knows what's going on. It is too convenient for me. There is no figuring out what is going on and when he first says he needs to save his wife, it's too far in. There is no sense of urgency about anything to drive Jason, he is just along for the ride. This is far from Groundhog Day. Nothing is at stake in Groundhog Day. There is something at stake here. Then there is the part where Jason just inhabits some live guy and takes over. How does that work? Did I miss something? Did the guy die in his sleep and Jason took over right after he died? Bouncing around from new identity to new identity is different from Groundhog Day and Edge because the protagonist is the same person every time. Here Jason inhabits a new body and life with new people around. He just "happens" to stay in Jason's body long enough for events to unfold. You have a lot of coincidences going on here that are required to make this work.

What Jason does not do is wake up and say where is my wife!?!?! Where am I?!?! Those questions give him motivation to piece together everything he sees and experiences, make sense of it, then figure out how it works, then make things work to his advantage. Just someone mentioning a flash drive means nothing. Who is Jason that he would add two and two here? He is a motocross hero, not a banker, not a cop, not anyone who would have the thinking capacity to put those threads together and add them up. That's how important those photos are, with him and trophies. Or how unimportant they are. Those photos have no play whatsoever. But they do serve to tell me Jason is a motocross guy, type A thrill seeker. Not exactly a guy to figure out past life and death soul transfers. Then again, what's the point?

Fair enough. I certainly take your points. The motocross stuff was to give you an insight into his character, and to make it believable when he tears through the streets of NYC. I'll have a re-think regarding the other issues you raise as a few Redditors have made the same comments.

If you think the Northeast Armored stuff doesn't work, would it make more sense if Jason finds himself working for Hunter Pharmecuticals rather than the bank? That way he has motivation to snoop around and it would tie acts 1 and 3 together more coherently...