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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Stuart Duffelmeyer and the Masters of Plagues Moderators: bert
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  Author    Stuart Duffelmeyer and the Masters of Plagues  (currently 1131 views)
Don
Posted: June 29th, 2016, 5:39pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Stuart Duffelmeyer and the Masters of Plagues by Dewey Reynolds - Sci Fi, Fantasy - A college student finds revenge against his tormentors through a magical talisman which gives him supernatural powers over every creature and natural force on Earth. 117 pages - pdf, format


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Nomad
Posted: June 30th, 2016, 5:23pm Report to Moderator
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Dewey,

Everything about the first 16 pages of your script screams, “RUN AWAY!  FLEE WHILE YOU STILL HAVE A CHANCE!”

Have you ever heard the phrase, “Show, don’t tell.”  You’re doing the opposite from the very first line:  Two NYU students

How do I know they’re NYU students?  Are they wearing NYU sweaters?  Are their IDs on the dresser?

You don’t need to tell me that they’re having a conversation.  Just start the conversation.

I have no idea what the Hunts Point section of the South Bronx is like, and I don’t really want to look it up right now.  You could leave that detail out.

Again you’re TELLING me that they’re plotting a prank.  You need to SHOW me.
This is a movie, not a book.  Think in images, not words.

I skipped ahead to the culmination of the diabolical prank and was…disappointed, to say the least.

Get into the scene late, and leave as soon as you can.

Jordan


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
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MADE FOR EACH OTHER-FILMED
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RonH
Posted: July 7th, 2016, 11:26am Report to Moderator
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Couldn't get past the fourth page. When seemingly normal human beings react in ways that no ordinary human being would I'm out.  No person after seeing a supernatural six foot rat with horns just appear and then disappear would just continue on like nothing of significance happened.

Also you don't have to capitalize character names after introducing them.
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