Kingston by Clay Chandler Barnwell - Sci Fi, Fantasy - A mysterious boy is found by a group of smugglers carrying a dangerous experimental drug while trapped in the Bermuda triangle,  124 pages - pdf, format

New writer interested in feedback on this work

Hey Clay,

I just looked into your script Kingston

Good title

Logline isn't completely comprehensible to me but there are some fresh aspects I like.

P1 the mini slug concept, for me, does not work as presented. Problem is that the thoughts you bundle below each slug are inconsistent in case that not everything described there does fit to the actual "location" established.

It's just unnecessarily complicated to build focus and immediately destroy it like that.

"Tom feels like he’s not as alone as he thought"

Cut these kinds of parts. It's passive non-screen language, redundant, and slows down the read.

P2 nowhere

P2/p3 at page break always end with a full sentence

Also, get rid of continued there

INT. INSIDE SHIP

No. Research on scene headings

Don't use the word "camera". A spec screenplay is a live-experience and it's all about story.

You don't need any of those editing terms (Fade, Cut to etc.) either

I check out here, sorry.

I was hoping to love this whole adventure concept gleaming through from the logline. But somehow you went a route here that I cannot comprehend at all. A read should be easy and actually I want to be treated well, if not even more than that. It's too complicated executed, nothing's flowing… tons of POV shots CLOSE ON FADE TO, bold mini slugs every 5 lines... to a certain degree that things get truly exhausting.

I was at this point myself and I fear you must get basic understanding how to deliver in a reader-friendly way. Otherwise we cannot connect with your story. At least I cannot.

But hey, do some research, resubmit a new draft after having cleared up some things for yourself, and I promise to go through this one again and hopefully to the end.

Best of luck