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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Little Alien Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: March 25th, 2018, 1:44pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Little Alien by Steve Sorenson - Sci Fi, Fantasy - The earth nations are warned to disassemble all nukes; or else! 58 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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CrackedAces
Posted: March 27th, 2018, 8:15pm Report to Moderator
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Synopsis to Little Alien:

The Ruler of the Nexkar continent on planet Tau-Ceti 'e' (a planet recently discovered about 12 light years away) has his people rescuing human abducted by Grey alien flying saucers.

Intelligents from Nexkarians planted in the earth governments and military gives the Nexkar Ruler concerned that the earthlings may nuke themselves before his people can mate and assimilate with the humans. Eighteen-year-old feisty Miss Carol Royal - the Little Alien - is dispatched to save the earth.

Our Little Alien hero is too young to drink or gamble but she has a fake ID. So all is fine in Las Vegas except that she successfully scares the crap out of the humans and brings Peace on Earth, her way!


[color=blue][/color]Take a look at my Scripts "Fire Dancer" 115 pages   (Liken to a "Miss Rambo meets Rounders," with Spiders, Scorpions, and Snakes -- Oh My.)

"Springtime in Alaska" 8 pages   (Taken from Cold Dead Fingers)

"Little Alien"  (What happens in Area-51 stays in Area-51.)   The earth nations are warned to disassemble all nukes; or else!   58 pages.
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HyperMatt
Posted: April 5th, 2018, 6:09am Report to Moderator
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At the start, rather than put 2 Two Nexkarian flying saucers, you could have just put Two flying saucers as we do not know what a Nexkarian is at this point.
Nit-picking, I know.
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HyperMatt
Posted: April 5th, 2018, 11:44am Report to Moderator
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I'll give the whole thing a read when I get a chance.
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CrackedAces
Posted: April 5th, 2018, 12:55pm Report to Moderator
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HyperMatt, Thank you for your short eval.  Your suggestion is valid. I will consider it in the re-write.

As would be view on screen, we will see three saucers. One, that has port windows, belonging to the Grey’s  and the other two windowless saucers rescuing the humans that the Greys abducted.  I went a step further in naming those windowless saucers Nexkarians (for the reader).  The dilemma is that we learn much later of their origin on the Nexkar continent on Tau-Ceti ‘e’ that is 12 light years away.

I got your 2nd msg while I was writing this response. Thank you for your interest in “Little Alien.”  I look forward to your evaluation.

Steve


[color=blue][/color]Take a look at my Scripts "Fire Dancer" 115 pages   (Liken to a "Miss Rambo meets Rounders," with Spiders, Scorpions, and Snakes -- Oh My.)

"Springtime in Alaska" 8 pages   (Taken from Cold Dead Fingers)

"Little Alien"  (What happens in Area-51 stays in Area-51.)   The earth nations are warned to disassemble all nukes; or else!   58 pages.
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HyperMatt
Posted: April 16th, 2018, 6:36am Report to Moderator
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Regarding the length, I'm I looking at this as a TV show or a feature Steve?
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HyperMatt
Posted: April 18th, 2018, 3:10pm Report to Moderator
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Started reading this. Up to the girls joining the army (which I thought was really odd. Why would these fun time girls want to be Private Benjamins? Maybe to be revealed as the story goes on). I thought the stuff with the different colored saucers was a bit confusing and unnecessary for what follows. For me, the story starts with Carol coming out of the hanger. Love the scenes with her and her family. Seemed like a cross between Mork and Mindy and the Simpsons. The strongest thing I have read so far is the friendship between Carol and Sofia; they've got like a Thelma and Louise thing going on. Loved the stuff with the hitchhiking and the Vegas scenes. Hopefully, there is more of this in the second part of the script.
I'll post my thoughts when I'm done.
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HyperMatt
Posted: April 18th, 2018, 3:11pm Report to Moderator
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I didn't read the synopsis on top, thought it would be best for me to 'discover' the story.
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HyperMatt
Posted: Yesterday, 9:10am Report to Moderator
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So these are just my opinions, and it’s the easiest thing in the world to criticize somebody else’s work. As I said, because of the length, I was not sure if this was like a series pilot or a full feature film.
The script has some interesting ideas and some likeable female characters, but the tone shift in parts makes it hard to fully get into the story. There is a lot of themes tangled, that’s why I thought this may be more of a series, and you could explore those things in different episodes.
The story starts with a space sequence which read kind of confusing because of the technical stuff, different colored saucers, human abductions, we don’t hear about this for a long while until very late in the story. Really hard to get lost in the technical stuff, when writing Sci-Fi. I’ve been accused of this myself. This feels like an early draft, and I’m sure you will develop it further. Good on you for posting it on here to get reactions and opinions.
After this, we follow the main character, human looking alien Carol, strolling out of a saucer ship and meeting up with her family, meeting her friend Sofia and going to Vegas. This was my favourite part of the story. The Thelma and Louis stuff and the Vegas stuff. Horn as in ‘Horny’ – that was a funny line. Man those boys were direct – good scene.

The casino scene is the best IMO. I think you could have gone anywhere after that scene, a lot to explore there. It felt your logline was kind of misleading, but I was glad about that. The nuclear war stuff does not really become relevant to the latter part with the Prime. I liked Carol, her friendship, her slob dad and her mother. What would have been really been appealing (for me anybody), this story being a type of sci-fi comedy concentrating on an alien and her best friend, a Mork and Mindy type Thelma and Louise if you will, you’ve got the cool device Tau-Nano. Could be interesting visually, reminded me of the electronic Simon Game from the 80s. But just make sure it does not become a deus-ex-machina.

On a drunken night, Carol tells a reluctant Sofia that they should join the army. The next thing, we are rudely shifted forward in time to Carol and Sofia in the army. I thought that was very uncharacteristic, but it seems that was Carol’s intention all along on her mission for


the Nexkarian race. Her speech the prime surprised me, because she really felt like an Earth girl who enjoyed Earth life and would be a reluctant Nexkarian. Maybe that’s just me reading that.
Some good dialogue, like “get down and push the Earth, help it orbit the sun.” We move to war, where the comedic tone is lost, and we get very serious and deal with trauma of the battlefield. Carol being separated from her arm. This really did feel quite depressing.

Moving to the Nexkar Stellar off planet stuff. It did feel like some kind of heavenly transition. Some interesting (and expensive) visuals in that world. This is where we get a better idea of what is going on. I would argue that a lot of this comes into the story too late, that we are not really focused on human-alien politics but on Carol and her relationships. Finishing the story, it is clear that there is meant to be a strong anti-nuclear message (like Terminator?) I think you have to work it through the story if it is that important, or get rid of it.  

I wasn’t sure if the Nexkarian looked different from human, if they were human looking and you could only tell they were Nexkarian by their Nexkarian attire.

Some visuals are interesting, like an alien hospital on a beach. Others, I wonder how you going to show them, like a moon 4 times bigger, as the moon appears in different sizes depending how close you are too it.

Every slug line should be written in the full format from what I understand. ‘CONFERENCE ROOM -’  should be written something like ‘INT. CONFERENCE ROOM/ HOUSE OF TAU- DAY’

I really liked the climatic flying saucer appearing to humanity scene, I think you are channelling The Day The Earth Stood Still. I liked the cowboy who took a shot.

I would say you need a funkier title than ‘little alien’ - It sounds like a Disney straight to video animated. Pick a title that will draw or at least make people curious about reading your script.

I’ve Pm’d typos to you. Hope some of this is helpful.
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HyperMatt
Posted: Yesterday, 5:22pm Report to Moderator
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The logline has to refer somewhere to the strong female lead, Carol... I think.
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