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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure  ›  I See You Moderators: bert
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SimplyScripts
Posted: December 2nd, 2008, 10:48pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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I See You by Aaron - Action - Terry, someone just going through life, is haunted by secretly placed camera's by the government. He gets in trouble with the cops, by the camera's, placed in jail, and meets Joe. Terry and Joe meet up with two other friends to stop this maddness by trying to attack somehting that watches their every move. Read the pulse-pounding story that questions how far the governemnt can go before it crosses the line, and, the ending you will never see coming... 100 pages - doc, format


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JonnyBoy
Posted: December 3rd, 2008, 10:57am Report to Moderator
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Hey Aaron, I'm afraid I only read the first 30 pages before I felt the need to say something. This is...a mess. That's probably the best word for it. Full of explosions and action undoubtedly, but low on sense. The most obvious problem with this is that it's badly formatted...for example:

                                             President
                  Jokingly.    What did they major in?  

Or...

                                                 Julie
He—oh hi Terry what makes you come…she notices his shirt says New York giants. Back to conversation .  Uh I don’t think its football season yet.

You don't make any distinction between dialogue, parentheticals, action...it makes it quite a challenge to understand what's spoken by the characters and what isn't.

Apart from that, though, I get the feeling this was dashed off without any revisions along the way. Some of the things you describe just don't make sense - for instance, Terry is sentenced by the police without any sort of hearing. If he's just being kept in remand at the station then there's a guy there (Joe) who's been there for twenty years (by the way, Joe later says he's only been in there for 4 years)?! And somehow is allowed to have a baseball bat with him in his cell. And can make a bomb made out of twenty pounds of cigarettes. It's all a little bit silly. And not in a Die Hard 4 kind of way, because there's a sense of it taking itself seriously (lines like: "Yeah but the difference between innocence and being guilty doesn't always set you free.")

I want to finish this because I am enjoying it in a peverse sort of way. But if you get it properly formatted, and then re-post it, then that's a start. I use the free software on scripped.com - you only have to register, you don't pay anything, and you can use the Scripped Writer that lays your script out for you. I know a lot of people use Final Draft, but that's kinda pricey. Whatever you use, it'll just make it easier to understand what you've written. Which is, in a way, enjoyably mental. Hope you get feedback from other people, too.

Jon


LATEST SCRIPT:

THE MARRY

Short, Comedy, 21 pages

A high school kid enlists the help of his best friend and the class 'rock star' to help him shed his nice guy image.

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Aaron
Posted: December 12th, 2008, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
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thanks for reading it. yes i understand this draft is extremely messy and extremely confusing because i just wanted to see if it was going to be uploaded, then i was gonna take it off, i didnt see it on here for a week. but thanks for recommending Scripped.
i will upload the revised version


Isle 10- A series I'm currently writing with my friend Adam and it will go into production soon. Think The Office meets 10 Items or Less.


Revision History (1 edits)
Aaron  -  January 21st, 2009, 3:03pm
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babentman
Posted: December 21st, 2008, 5:20pm Report to Moderator
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Writing my story...

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I would be interested in reading a clean version. upload when you can! cheers!


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Script_Monkey
Posted: January 21st, 2009, 3:10pm Report to Moderator
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You're not wrong about this draft being messy, what did you use to format this?

I noticed some errors very early on:

EXT OPENING CREDITS-CUT TO WHITE HOUSE

                                                                                                  1.
Fade in: Day.
                              


Everything is just a mess, I'm perplexed. Take the above for example, the transitions are mixed with the scene headings, I can't tell whether this is bad writing on your part or whether the programme has formatted it badly.

You should just get Celtx, it's a great programme and it's free! It won't let you down. It will help you with the format and you can export scripts from Celtx and convert them to PDF files.








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Script_Monkey  -  January 21st, 2009, 3:22pm
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Aaron
Posted: January 21st, 2009, 8:20pm Report to Moderator
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http://www.scriptbuddy.com/published/?p=4291532901

first 6 minutes of the new draft of I See You
Since it is a private screenplay you have to enter a password to see it. The password is "Screenplay".

I made it private so that no one on Script Buddy would question why it's only 6 pages long, since it's only a sneak preview, it saves trouble

for those wondering why when anyone talks it says stuff like "Character" or "Supporting" that's just the way script buddy works.
Oh, and the email given on script buddy is not my email, it's my brothers (just saying)


Isle 10- A series I'm currently writing with my friend Adam and it will go into production soon. Think The Office meets 10 Items or Less.

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Toby_E
Posted: January 21st, 2009, 8:28pm Report to Moderator
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Get rid of all the "we are", "we see". You don't need them, and they irritate readers...

And why are all the characters named Character, with their name underneath in parentheticals?

Sort out these basic, rookie mistakes, and I'll read the whole script...

Plus changed the name of the script... I really don't like "I See You" as a name of a film.


Here is some of my latest writing:

Dead Waters -- Thriller


Currently on vacation, sampling the many delights that Eastern Europe has to offer...
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Aaron
Posted: January 21st, 2009, 8:31pm Report to Moderator
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I said it says "Character" and "Supporting" because that's how Script Buddy works. When you write a script on Script Buddy, you have to give characters a category before you do anything else. It just means if they are a main character or supporting, that's all it means

And also, i'm not trying to be mean here but the name "I See You" has a significance to the movie that will be explained later into the script.


Isle 10- A series I'm currently writing with my friend Adam and it will go into production soon. Think The Office meets 10 Items or Less.

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Toby_E
Posted: January 21st, 2009, 8:48pm Report to Moderator
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^^ I hear ya' with the name, but "I See You" makes me think of a lame stalker script. A films title is very important to creating a buzz for the film... Something which "I See You" wouldn't do.

Is there no way you can make the theory behind the title "I See You" (ie, a totalitarian regime repressing the general public), and make a more original, thought provoking title?


Here is some of my latest writing:

Dead Waters -- Thriller


Currently on vacation, sampling the many delights that Eastern Europe has to offer...
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Aaron
Posted: January 21st, 2009, 8:52pm Report to Moderator
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Well, throughout what I posted there, I mean throughout the first 6 minutes, they keep referring to a government program, it has something to do with that, but's it's not the name of the program. Ive pretty much gotten blasted with negative reviews but i'm not letting it keep me down, can't please everybody. But, throughout the script, this isn't really a spoiler, but throughout the script, we see images of someone's phone being turned on automatically, because they are being watched, and the red flash that Joe saw in the kitchen was a camera. I know it sounds like being stalked by a person but it's not. If I said anything else if would suck the fun out of the full upcoming script, and it would spoil it.


Isle 10- A series I'm currently writing with my friend Adam and it will go into production soon. Think The Office meets 10 Items or Less.

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Script_Monkey
Posted: January 21st, 2009, 9:03pm Report to Moderator
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We are at the back of a Publix, a Publix distribution truck
pulls in, it's back to us. A man carries a box to another
man, a close up on the box reveals a blinking red light.
                                                            
We then see the box go into the back of the Publix, a man
opens the item, and puts it on a cart, we pan out of the
cart to reveal tons of other boxes, unwrapped, then placed
on the cart. We see they are all the same thing. One box has
a blue light, another a red light, another a green light,
all barely noticeable except to us.

I'm not quite sure what a Publix is...

But that is your first scene.

What we see now is all red, the image of people, but
computerized, it's sonar. We see the outlines of shelves and
everything else still in red. We zoom in on a man's head.
His ID comes up, his finger print, and his address.
                                                            
We are still in red, we zoom through the isles of the store
at lightning speeds, we stop up front. The check out lines
filled with people, we see all their ID's, only small size.
One lady gears up to walk out, and the image on the screen
and around her head says "SAFE."

Can you see what I'm trying to point out mate? All that stuff is not needed.

There is poor description like

'A man carries a box to another man'

You could probably spice that up mate.

An exchange between them both, the man hauls the box  ect...

You could even state that this man is a COURIER, which I believe is the correct term.






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Aaron
Posted: January 21st, 2009, 9:05pm Report to Moderator
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Publix is a store, but ok, I will change all the "We". I was trying to make the sonar scene clear


Isle 10- A series I'm currently writing with my friend Adam and it will go into production soon. Think The Office meets 10 Items or Less.

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Script_Monkey
Posted: January 21st, 2009, 9:20pm Report to Moderator
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No, I think it's messy.

- Scene description isn't clear
- Scene description can be broken down
- Constant typos
- We's

There is just so much wrong with it. No-one will care to follow the story because of the problems in the script. Reading a script should be smooth.

You just need to sit down and read a script... Also, checkout the screenwriting class section, it offers great advice.







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JonnyBoy
Posted: January 22nd, 2009, 8:17am Report to Moderator
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Hey Aaron, since I gave the first draft of this a read through I will definitely look through the new one, if only to see how much it's changed.

I gave the first few pages you posted a read, by the way, and this opening is better than the old one. It's a long way off being perfect, but it's an improvement. And the 'crazier than the joker on halloween' line made me smile.

You may get negative reviews for this, but it's only because people are trying to help. Any feedback, no matter how critical, is great, because at least you're being read. And if you listen to comments, you can improve. As long as you keep writing, keep posting, keep getting feedback and keep learning, then you'll get better. You clearly have a story you want to tell. That's great. Now you just need to learn how to tell that story.

However, I do think you need a slight reality check. Do you have any experience as a director? Your intention for this is clearly that it will be a high-budget blockbuster, not some small indie film. If you're a complete rookie, then I can't really see anyone with the necessary money backing you to make this film the way you want it to be made.

Oh, and by the way, one of your previous posts was wrong: a shot where the camera pulls away from the object isn't a pan. It's a tracking shot. A pan is where the camera moves sideways. Cameras pan round, not back. But again, that's not really your domain as a screenwriter. This is a spec script. For you to even have a hope of someone picking this up and turning it into a film, your focus must be on constructing the best possible story: plot, characters, dialogue. The fact that you're writing in a certain format doesn't matter, this should unfold as grippingly and excitingly as a novel. All that has to come before any thought of actually mapping out how this will be shot. I have the same problem as you; I see in my head what I want to see on screen, and that includes specific moments and shots. But that's not up to us. With good writing, the reader will be able to visualise what you're showing anyway.

I promise I will read this when you have finished the new draft, and then I will focus on dialogue, characters, plot...the things that really matter. Your formatting is wrong, but I have faith that eventually you will realise that, so I'll look past that to focus on the rest. I really admire your enthusiasm. Keep going, and be willing to take criticism. I do have to agree about the title. I read the original script and know why you called it 'I See You', but I still think you can come up with something cooler and more interesting. There was a film similar to this last year, Eagle Eye. Eagle Eye is a pretty good title, based on the same basic concept. You just need to think of something else, along the same lines.

Jon


LATEST SCRIPT:

THE MARRY

Short, Comedy, 21 pages

A high school kid enlists the help of his best friend and the class 'rock star' to help him shed his nice guy image.

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Aaron
Posted: January 22nd, 2009, 10:19am Report to Moderator
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Thanks so much Jonny, everything you said was great. Yep, Eagle Eye, it isn't where I got the idea but it is similar, that was a great film. Thanks for clearing up the camera shot thing for me. Yes, this would be a high budget block buster and I clearly couldn't make it after I have made a few films before this one, and of course, you can't be Spielberg on your first try. And I'm glad the joker line made you smile. I like the beginning better too, but I will work on that too.

I will also read "last rung on the ladder"  

Thanks again, I am really glad to get some feed back.
I'm working on "I See You" like clock work, as I want to make it the best possible writing I can


Isle 10- A series I'm currently writing with my friend Adam and it will go into production soon. Think The Office meets 10 Items or Less.


Revision History (1 edits)
Aaron  -  January 22nd, 2009, 10:33am
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