I have no idea if you’ll actually read this, but I couldn’t help commenting after reading this last night, and waking up still thinking about it.
After reading the first three pages I almost/did stop, mostly due to your inability to let your characters say anything other than ‘fuck this fuck that,’ and your apparent love of the word pussy (especially when combined with the word licking…)
You certainly have one sick, twisted mind, and also a great/strange imagination, though. To be honest, I didn’t want to finish this script (due to the aforementioned things, and the general unbelievably of the situation – he really lets three random teenage girls stay in the middle of the night? Hello, can you say dodgy/lawsuit? And they actually just waltz up and ask with no thought to their safety? Hmm…I’m not buying it) but, even after all that I had to keep reading to see how you got from three pre-college, dirty mouthed, car jacking chicks, to the appearance of a flesh eating chef…
And I did make it to the end, surprisingly in only an hour.
The action, although somewhat repetitive, was reasonably well paced, and though not my usual cuppa, you kept me moving through it fast. (Probably due to the gross, what will this dude do next factor)
It was crass, full on and disgusting. The crude cannibal chef was a highlight, and his superfluous babble was quite entertaining. The chef was a memorable character with a few, actually funny, lines in the cannibal-related humour area (is there such a thing?) He also gave off a Clockwork Orange slash rocky horror vibe. I was waiting for him to start singing while he tortured her. All very OTT.
I’m still unsure if this is supposed to be taken seriously…this is definitely not an ‘adventure script, as posted.’ I’d say ‘comedy horror,’ and it does have some potential in that genre, especially the gross factor– shoving the chunk of meat in her mouth as a gag. Oh, man? WTF?
The thing about this that confuses me is when you do seem to take the script too seriously – like when her friend (who should probably be dead?) drags herself into the room to say her last words – I love you? I just don’t get it. You go through all that effort to get emotional, just so she can turn around and start ripping into the chef, then become a cannibal herself? Yeah…
I actually laughed my arse off at the sight of Chelsea dried up like Beef Jerky in the smokehouse, (how could anyone not?) and once again I wasn’t sure if that was your intention for the scene? Or, if I was supposed to be scared. Or both. Also, the amount of dialogue you have here? Wow.
Anyway, sorry this isn’t really a critique or all that helpful. I just feel confused. I’m still unsure whether I liked it or not.
In general, the dialogue got better as the story moved along. So that’s a positive (note: the first page is… yeah…and not exactly an ideal page-turner.)
So, this could all work with some rewrites, a ‘moderation approach’ to pussies and your use of the F word, trying not to take it too seriously, and a total suspension of belief. And I mean a shitload of disbelieving
Also, I didn't think your main character had a personality other than her constant yelling and use of the F word, and her being a vegetarian? Admittedly, I did see efforts to develop/show characterization and relations between the girls with the discussion about University.
Sorry if this seems harsh/weird. It’s not supposed to.
It was a pretty fun ride, and someone who is more familiar with this genre (whatever that might be?) may get a better sense of what you were going for. I think I do. Maybe. I don’t know.
Seems like you had a lot of fun writing this.