SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 8:41pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Waking Up In Kansas Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 3 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Waking Up In Kansas  (currently 2013 views)
Don
Posted: March 11th, 2015, 4:32pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Waking Up In Kansas by Tony Jerris - Drama, Comedy - A repressed young mother with a philandering husband winds up in a car accident, only to wake up at the annual Oztoberfest in Liberal, Kansas with short-term memory loss… or was she just dreaming? 99 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
TonyDionisio
Posted: March 11th, 2015, 5:56pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


Damnit, get to the point!

Location
Tennessee
Posts
768
Posts Per Day
0.20
I'm getting error opening document. Anyone else?
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 1 - 7
Lightfoot
Posted: March 11th, 2015, 5:59pm Report to Moderator
New


Location
London, Ontario
Posts
379
Posts Per Day
0.07
Same, getting the 404 on this one
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 7
Don
Posted: March 11th, 2015, 6:36pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Link fixed.

- Don


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 3 - 7
JonP
Posted: March 19th, 2015, 10:43pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
Bangkok, Thailand
Posts
23
Posts Per Day
0.01
ALERT:  SPOILERS AHEAD

It's a neat idea.  Tying the story to The Wizard of Oz has plenty of potential for fun.  The problem is you didn't really exploit that potential.  It was like making a promise to the audience, and then not keeping it.

Everyone has seen The Wizard of Oz at least 3 times.  We all know the story.  So the first thing we're going to want do is to match the characters in your story with the ones in WOZ.  Obviously Sunny is Dorothy.  Billy Ray was clearly the Tin Man.  They are the only two who cross over between both worlds (unless you consider the likeness between the landlady and Willie's mom, but I'll get to that later).  In fact, Billy Ray provides the vehicle (literally) to cross them over, which is nice.  But I wanted more parallels between both worlds.

I was thinking Willie was going to be the Lion, but then we get Andy and the broom.  But Andy would have made a better wizard anyway.  Or was Willie the Scarecrow because he didn't think for himself?  But Willie's triumph was standing up to his mother, which is courage, not intelligence.  Arrrggghhhh!

Let's talk about your bad guys, because every story needs conflict in order to drive it.  The first bad guy we meet is the landlady (parallel to wicked witch).  The rent check has bounced - twice!  Sure, it's Bobby's fault (the main bad guy), but Sunny just let's him treat her like a doormat (which we need for her character arc) and doesn't force him to manage his money.  So I can actually empathize with your wicked witch (the Needles one anyway) when she's frustrated with Sunny.  That's not good.

The only bad guy in Liberal is Willie's mom, but she doesn't show up until really late in the story.  Sure, she's talked about, but one thing I would suggest (if you keep her at all, which you probably shouldn't) is her running into Sunny/dog just as Sunny is arriving and she's on her way out of town.  They get in a confrontation, so that it hangs over the story, knowing she's coming back.  Because otherwise you have almost no conflict in Liberal, except for some bogus conflict between Sunny and Willie.  Sunny diffusing that conflict by suggesting to Willie that Dena broke his heart is simply not true.  It really was his cowing to his mother that ended that relationship - he broke Dena's heart.

Here's where I think you can play it a little fast and loose with WOZ.  Have a parallel bad guy to Bobby in Liberal (a wicked warlock if you will) who treats Sunny like a doormat.  With the help of her new-found friends, she learns to stand up to him.  Now, when she gets back to Needles, her character arc is completely believable.

Oh, and how is it she thought he dog was going to get out of the bungalow during the 2nd tornado warning?

Leading up the the resolution, Edie tells Sunny she hit three progressive jackpots in a month.  Now we're talking fantasy!  Problem solved.

Finally, some of your descriptions are a bit novelistic and against screenplay convention.  Some examples:

Quoted Text
She’s hit the nail on the head, but he won’t admit it.


Quoted Text
She obviously has something devious in store.


Quoted Text
She’s obviously worried about her.


I'm sorry I haven't been more encouraging up until this point.  You've got a lot of work to do to fix your screenplay, but the good news is that it's worth fixing.  It's a really neat idea which, if explored properly, would pay off big with an audience.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 7
Dreamscale
Posted: March 20th, 2015, 10:12am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Why is this listed as drama/comedy, but posted in the action/adventure section?
Logged
e-mail Reply: 5 - 7
JonP
Posted: March 20th, 2015, 10:28am Report to Moderator
New



Location
Bangkok, Thailand
Posts
23
Posts Per Day
0.01
With this script, you could make an argument for both categories.  Because of the Wizard of Oz theme, I would actually lean toward calling it an adventure.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 7
JohnHunter
Posted: March 21st, 2015, 9:15am Report to Moderator
New



Posts
44
Posts Per Day
0.01
Well written, but perhaps a bit too long before we got to OZ. Maybe get to OZ quicker, then show her crappy life as flashbacks. Again, well written -- a real slice: "Unhappy trailer park queen with cheating husband suffers concussion and wakes up Some-Where-Over-The-Rainbow"?


"There ain't much to being a ballplayer, if you're a ballplayer." - Honus Wagner
https://www.scriptrevolution.com/profiles/john-hunter
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 7
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Action/Adventure Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006