Adventure Frontier by Chaseton Ennis - Action, Adventure, Fantasy - Four college roommates embark on the adventure of a lifetime after reading a book which then magically transports them to a mysterious land. 119 pages - pdf, format

Okay,

So the promised "adventure of a lifetime" takes place reading a book?

ehh

Author here. They read the book and discover it has the ability to transport them to another world.

Quoted from Chase Author here. They read the book and discover it has the ability to transport them to another world.

Four college roommates embark on an adventure of a lifetime when they dive into the contents of a mysterious book that has the ability to transport them to another world.

Sounds far more interesting.

I'll change it due to popular request. Thanks for the comments.

I'm still learning the ropes of formatting myself but your sluglines seem a bit off. It looks like they were written with no spacing. The scenes are also numbered which I believe is usually only done if it's in production (or if it is a sitcom or play).

In any case, I think this is a really ambitious story and that you've definitely put a lot of time and work into it. In terms of feedback I try to be as thorough as possible. So there are a lot of notes, which can sometimes seem a little harsher or more negative  than intended. Just keep in mind that feedback is very subjective and that I don't have too much experience  with screenwriting (so take everything with a grain of salt).

In my notes whenever possible I try to provide examples. These are not intended to tell you how to write your story, I include them to give you a better sense of why I singled out this or that and to provide a bit of context to any criticisms I may make (for the most part these mostly have to do with "unfilmables" ).

I'm going to break up the feedback into a couple parts.

Part 1:

P1  Is there a reason why you fade in on a black screen and then "the screen quickly reveals itself as Danny...". I don't see what you lose if you drop the black screen and reveal itself bit. I also don't think the "We continue to hear shuffling" is necessary.

"something giving him interest" I think this is a bit awkwardly phrased and could be re-worded.

Example:  "something catches his interest"


"to put his bags in the trunk" I would lose "to put" in favor of "puts". Using "to put" reads as an intention, so it may be unclear to the reader if the bags were actually put into the trunk.

P2 "the sky is beautifully blue". I would remove this. You use the exact same  phrase in your following description.

Typo "response. ." Extra period

P2-3

"rolls his eyes back" I would consider deleting "back".

"We feel the familiarity between them" I think the dialogue between your characters already does a really good job conveying this, which allows you to get rid of the description. "We feel" is also an unfilmable, your use of dialogue as a way to get around it was nicely done. If your still concerned that won't be enough you could explore conveying this feeling in a more visual way (what is their body language, could one give a pat on the shoulder or something).

I think you could also utilize the dialogue to illustrate to the reader that he is "well spoken" or use a more visual way to show impatience (possibly having the character fiddle around with the radio or something).

Delete "for another beat". Beginning the next sentence with "Then" gives the reader the sense of a pause. There's a similar "beat" at the end of the page that could be removed as well.

"Like magic a small flame is lit" I don't know if "like magic" is the best way to describe a magic trick. A possible alternative could be something along the lines of:
"Suddenly a small flame appears from his hands" Granted that example is not great and a bit awkward (it's just one of the ways you could go with it).

P4 "We see". I would delete this.

"ivory grown cobblestone buildings" I'm not sure what this means.

"a station wagon we recognize" I assume it's Danny's mom's station wagon, is there a reason why "Danny's station wagon" wasn't used  or why "we recognize" and not "a recognizable station wagon" was used.

P4 "noise from the hall is muttered better than we expect". Is this supposed to be "muted".

P5 Typo "you. . . Christmas" is it supposed to be "you...Christmas"

"sharing a moment" Unfilmable, maybe describe this terms of the hug lingering or overly long, etc. Although to be honest I think you wouldn't even need to do that  (the describing of the hug) since you describe them as tearfully saying goodbye.

P10 "It's night time on campus" You could delete this since it's already in the slugline.


There are also a few more ". . ." (instead of ...) I'm not sure if this is a format thing, writing program thing or something else (I'm still going to note typos but I don't think it's very productive feedback on my part if keep banging on about the . . .  thing, so I'll leave out any more I come across as I keep reading).

P11 Typo "blast Lucas" should be "blasts Lucas".

P12 "the group sit....." I would switch the order in the description so that the "dry empty lobby" sentence precedes the "the group sit" (but this is solely a personal preference).

Possible typo "stand in his office", do you mean  "stands in his office"

"We recognize" we've already have been introduced to the RA, is there a reason he that you don't use your character's name (I have the same question for the Dean).

Typo "i'll see" should be "I'll"

I have a few story questions here:

Why is the dean in his office during the middle of the night? Why does the RA have immediate access to the dean? Why is the decision made in the span of that night (concerning if they are expelled)?

I'm not sure that being caught drinking on the first night would be something a dean would find to be "unprecedented". Expulsion seems like an extremely strict punishment (the strictest schools would kick them out of the dorms), but once they are allowed to stay why is there no alternative punishment they face?



P13 "book there what is that" could possibly use a comma or new sentence for "there, what"

P19 "we see" could be cut.

P32 "compelled" You might want to write this with a more voice ( for instance: the object compells him to walk towards it)

P33 "walks in the lake and swims" was this supposed to be "walks into the lake and swims"

P36 I don't quite know what to think of the old man sleeping in his moving wagon, picking up the boys and just going back to sleep and telling them they should take a nap too (at the same time). Wouldn't make more sense if he picks them up so he can take a nap without stopping (it would also give him an additional reason to explain to the boys where they are and where they are headed).

P38 "we can assume for their clothes" You could possibly remove this. I get that this a fantasy/mystery story and I have yet to read through the whole thing, so some of things I point out should be ignored if they are a part of the mystery or story elements. Just make sure that the set-ups have a pay off later in the story.

"old world looking clothes and robes" this description is a bit unclear to me.

P39 The old man "I'm just messin' with you", you might want to consider rewording this. This is strictly a personal preference thing, but on p8 Nate makes the exact same statement ("I'm just messin' with you"), I just think  that an old man from a different world would have a bit of a different phrasing or speaking pattern when compared to the kids (I think this is a good opportunity to use the old mans dialogue and mannerisms as a way to give your reader a better sense of the world they just stepped into).

P40 "the old man snoring" could be written in a more active voice "the old man snores"

Similarly the "wagon is stopped at a gate" could be the "wagon stops at the gate"

"medieval looking armor" why not simply "medieval armor".

"inspect it rather lazy" did you mean "inspect it rather lazily" (it could also be shortened to "lazily inspect").

P41 "mix between ancient Roman and medieval style architecture" Try and move this up in terms of the ordering of your descriptions (you could also delete the word "style" here). Doing this sort of world building in a screenplay can be quite difficult, so it helps to think about your individual word choices in addition to how you order the images you present to your reader. Example: by "mix between" do you mean there are both Roman looking buildings/architecture and medieval ones or that the overall aesthetic is a blend or fusion of the two.

P42 "(Points: Dan's covers sword)" I'm not sure what that describes, it's just seems unclear.

P45 possible typo "This is our currently location" is it supposed to read "current"?

P46 "our main heroes" could be removed

P47 "our main heroes" should be removed. I would also consider getting rid of all the "we see" "we listen" and "we hear" in the first two lines. One way you could rework this passage could be: "FAINT WHISPERS come from the carriage as it passes". There's also a typo, you used "feint", it should be faint.

I have similar reservations about using "we cannot see" and "we now see". I'm not saying it's wrong but I'm not sure what you gain by it.

P48 "stares at the council for a beat" again I think you could lose the "for a beat" your reader intuits that there is a beat of time that passes when they read "stares at the council" .

P49 I don't know why but the "our four main heroes" thing kind of bugs me. I'm not saying it's wrong or anything but if you use it why not "our four heroes" (which I'm still not that big on using either). Again this is just personal preference (other readers might really like how it reads).

P50 "He's dress in armor slightly more complex than what we've seen" There's a possible typo: "He's dressed in armor" but I think instead of saying it's "slightly more complex than what we've seen" the actual armor or an aspect of it needs to be specificied or distinguished. Your introducing a lot of new characters and information here in a very short amount of time. While it's easy to be over descriptive, I feel like it might be a good idea to explore some ways of making sure your characters stand out to the reader and aren't lost in the flood of new information/exposition (which I realize is easier said than done).

P58 Typo "feint light" should be "faint light"

There is also another "we see" that I think isn't necessary. It's not that I'm trying to suggest that you should never use "we...", there are no laws or rules against it. I just think that removing would make for a better read. They are not too hard to find in the rest of the script and I understand that it's frustrating to get feedback that just harps upon a single little thing so I'm not going to note when they show up later in the script (although I do feel you should consider removing and reworking some of them, just keep in mind that's just my own preference). The same goes for my hang ups about using the phrase "for a beat" .

P69
"afraid to speak until..." Between this and Nate's line you need something to happen. What changed that convinced Nate to speak? As it's written right now it goes straight from "until" to Nate's dialogue.

P70 I know is said I would stop with these but you have "we here Thea's LAUGH" (so technically it's a typo).

P71 "Can't believe her". This was a bit unclear, who can't believe her? If possible try to convey this disbelief visually (example: grins in disbelief, shakes head, etc).

"A surprising answer". I would remove this from your description in favor of focusing on how you could show that Ralin found the answer amusing, surprising, or unexpected.

P72 "It's larger than were used to. As we look down..." You could reword this to remove the "were used to". Example: "Its unnaturally large". If you keep it the way it is now "were" should be "we're"

Is TIMELAPS supposed to be TIME LAPSE (I'm genuinely asking as I haven't come across this before).

P73 Typo "THhe four" should be "The four". Additionally "moon reflects of the water" did you mean "off the water".

P74 "Ralin speechless. Thinks on it". "Thinks on it" may be a bit redundant, if he is speechless it implies he is thinking about it.

P76 "They continue for a while until they reach a wooden door" You could shorten this to "they reach a wooden door", because in the previous sentence you describe the stairwell as long.  

"Mark opens it and..." I would delete the word "and".

"In the middle of planning something". You could remove this as your dialogue and description (men standing around a map) shows the reader they are planning something. Which makes flatly telling the reader they are planning unnecessary.

"A mysterious aura distinct from the others" this is a bit too vague for my taste. Take this with a grain of salt, but I feel that simply stating to the reader that a character is distinct can be a bit frustrating to read if you don't identify how that character is distinct (for me a "mysterious aura" is just too vague).

P96 "with a large trey" Typo should be "with a large tray".

P97 when you first use "guard #2" isn't it supposed to be capitalized?

P99 Typo "servent" should be "servant" (the word is misspelled two separate times on the page, but the third time it's spelled correctly).

P100 Typo "feint" should be faint.

P111 "All wagons in the distance singed and completely annihilated" do you mean "singed or completely annihilated" . This strictly an individual preference, but I don't think even using "singed or completely annihilated" in the description is the best way to describe what's goin on. Since something is either completely annihilated or it's not and you use "all wagons in the distance" which sort of implies the explosion had the same impact on the wagons as a whole.


General story notes:

I'm not sure how much you might want to remove from the beginning of the script (regarding the college), but I think it could be trimmed quite a bit (you could remove everything leading up to meeting the roommates and not lose too much).

The connection between the paranormal studies thing at the school and the fantasy world seemed murky and should be made a bit clearer. I'm not huge on the fantasy genre, but for what it's worth I think a lot of aspects of the story were not clearly defined and would recommend possibly looking for ways to simplify the story in the fantasy world. There are a lot exposition/information dumps in a very short space of the story which made it hard for me to engage with the story (consequently I don't have many ideas how specifically in your script you could effectively par things down a bit).

The end scene with the detectives interrogating the kid felt out of place and unnecessary (which sounds harsh but I genuinely don't know what is gained by including it).

Overall I think there is a good story in there that I think you can bring out through some revising and re-writing.

I hope some of this was useful. Best of luck with it.

Wow, thanks for the in depth review. I never expected someone to find the story interesting enough to finish and review.

I can't believe there are that many typos and spelling errors. Will fix. (Might have uploaded the wrong draft)

As far as the "We see/We hear" goes, I like the way it reads.

This was originally a tv series but I decided I wanted to write my first feature so I used this story. That's why the college portion of the story runs 30+ pages.

Your right, the detective scene was unnecessary and I added it last minute. I figured people would wonder where the legal repercussions were. (Their dead friend and all)

Overall I do agree the story is too ambitious. My next project will be more focused.

Again, thank you for the review. If you have anything of yours you want me to read then I will gladly do so.

Oh and one question. How did you find the tone of the story?

When I was reading it I felt like it was written as sort of a family friendly film. There was some violence but it never really got dark (at least not for me), no sex, and one or two expletives which made me think of that this was written for younger kids. The impression that I got was that the tone was sort of light and whimsical.

Try this:

"Four college roommates embark on the adventure of a lifetime after reading a book which *then* magically transports them to a mysterious land."


Revised it after reading again.

I'm surprised because it was supposed to be a darker film. Not R-rated but definitely a more serious pg-13.

"Family friendly" and "whimsical" were not what I intended. I guess I have to make things seem heavier. I'll take this into my next project.

So I like the fixes of the logline, but I think a little more tweaking could do a lot for you and the script

When I worked in development, the logline was the first thing the executives ask for. It tells not only the reader, but the people that can get it made what to expect. Haven't read the script yet, but the consensus seems that the tone you would like isn't what readers are getting.

With a little tweak of the logline, it could help in your revisions to help the tone as well. For instance, what should we know about the four roommates? What transpires to get them that book? What about your characters makes this a PG-13 movie? It doesn't have to say everything, but if your first 30 pages are developed enough to show this characterization and tone, it should be easier.

Whether it's this project or your next, just know the logline is the first thing everybody sees. It's not just a simple summary, but a pitch to convince me your script is worth a read.