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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Delta Dog Moderators: bert
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  Author    Delta Dog  (currently 4269 views)
Don
Posted: November 7th, 2015, 1:51pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Delta Dog by Tony Dionisio - Action, Adventure, Cop, War - A cop and his K-9 companion unintentionally hijack a billion dollar drug shipment from a ruthless cartel that will stop at nothing to get it back. 84 pages  - pdf, format

production:1-page synopsis and pitch paragraphs

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  December 3rd, 2016, 9:42am
revised draft
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TonyDionisio
Posted: November 8th, 2015, 12:21pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Thx for putting this up. Freshly finished -- appreciate any comments/suggestions.

Thx.

Tony
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Marcela
Posted: November 9th, 2015, 12:44pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Tony, I started reading the script but gave up on page 6, simply because it's too gruesome and technical for me. On page 4 somebody gently sets the K-9 aside? Is it the dead dog? Or a gun? I suppose English not being my native language is not helping here. It's not like I always dislike gunshot wounds and blood, one of my favourite films is Black Hawk Down, which starts kinda non-violently. Hope other people will give u more constructive criticism, sorry about that!


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cloroxmartini
Posted: November 9th, 2015, 1:32pm Report to Moderator
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Next to Tower One is the framework for a SECOND tower. Forty
stories, no walls, topped with a large CONSTRUCTION CRANE.
All work halted for the holidays.

I work in this idustry and you don't build 40 stories without a skin following the frame up to the heavens. The skin starts a few floors below the frame and goes with the buidling. Maybe in the movies it might work, I get that. But even Nakatomi Plaza had a skin with unfinished space.

Ok, that's a nit pick cuz I'm sure this is a plot point and CGI can do anything, other than that, I like your writing and I'm waiting for the first act to close.

p.s. you missed "eye to eye" with Spirit and Maurice.
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cloroxmartini
Posted: November 9th, 2015, 1:49pm Report to Moderator
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                   MARC
              Spirit, speak.

HOWL. Maurice closes his eyes tightly, spills his guts...

                     MAURICE
          Baller stash -- millions. Moving
          out at three in the morning. Fuck this dog!
                    
                    MARC
          Bullshit. No way a skell like you
          knows that.
                    MAURICE
          I know what I heard, man. These
          chinks are big time.

Marc checks with Ganz. Gets the okay via a slight nod.

                   MARC
         Where?
                    
                  MAURICE
          Industrial strip on sixth and Grand
          -- at Arcadia.
                  
                 OFFICER
           Arcadia???

That raises eyebrows. Marc passes the leash to the Officer,
retrieves a MAP from the front seat of the cruiser. Begins
to unfold it onto the car hood -- huddles up with Ganz...

CHECKING THE MAP...

They confirm: industrial buildings.


Then we go to the building and the whole mayor thing then we go to Marc in the recovery room?

So let me get this straight...you tell me there is a big deal going down and the cops go through all that shit with Maurice only to NOT GO? I could drive a truck, an eighteen (1 wheeler, through that hole.

I was like, did I miss a page? Did I miss the set up? What didn't I get? Three a.m. is that morning, not some other day, like Friday, but today, right?

Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself. Maybe Marc is just going to the hospital to be nice before the big bust later that night, or morning, what have you. But if he is, that's a flow breaker.
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cloroxmartini
Posted: November 9th, 2015, 2:01pm Report to Moderator
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In the background, Feng arrives at the trunk of his Lincoln limo. Removes a replacement ARM -- attaches the new limb -- good to go!

Funny
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cloroxmartini
Posted: November 9th, 2015, 2:11pm Report to Moderator
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Hirano sucks as a bad guy. Why? When he talks about chess when he has Marc cornered, it's a shift. If Hirano is into chess then show it when we see him. Remember die hard 3? The aspirin and Simon Says? Made consistency. Cutting off fingers happens all the time. So make Hirano memorable.
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cloroxmartini
Posted: November 9th, 2015, 2:17pm Report to Moderator
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Page 43 and Ganz is tainted? Farging bastich.

it wasn't so subtle, soon as Ganz showed up I knew. You have real estate (only 76 pages) to play this out better.
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cloroxmartini
Posted: November 9th, 2015, 2:20pm Report to Moderator
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They advance on the truck. Five of them total -- well, four
now!

Cute, but too cute. He died a few lines earlier.

His Assault Rifle leads/aims everywhere he looks. It's part
of his SEAL training and it's on full display. The weapon is
his partner, and he's dancing the fucking waltz!

Too cute, too. We saw his training in the flashbacks. I get the popiness you're going for but this line is too much and makes me stop.

If the games still afoot, you’re move, pal!

your

Not sure there is enough of fang and marc to warrant "you again."

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
cloroxmartini  -  November 9th, 2015, 2:37pm
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cloroxmartini
Posted: November 9th, 2015, 2:47pm Report to Moderator
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                    CHRISTINE
          Don’t let him go -- you won’t find
a better man. I’d snatch him up in a heartbeat... if only I liked men!

That is so PC. Just leave it at you won't find a better man.
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cloroxmartini
Posted: November 9th, 2015, 3:02pm Report to Moderator
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Has anyone seen my leg?

Nice ending.

Hmmm...

So I read it cover to cover in one sitting, which is rare. I like your writing, maybe too cute, but at least you had fun with it. The flash backs seemed to work and reveal.

This is pure action for the most part and for all that it works but it's missing something. I'd say 20 pages but what are those pages? You have a bad guy who really seems a place holder. The Arcadia cops are stooges, which is odd. There is nothing about the Mayor after the first threat. Marc seems to stumble upon all this. Ganz is introed and dispatched quickly. Spirit does all the right things, right on que. I think you should change the title because it's not about Spirit or Delta Dog, it's about Marc. Marc doesn't have any demons, nor should he, but even John McClain had his failed marriage as a demon that needed patching. I guess I don't have a B story here, no moral. Chrissy is alive and helping, showing up from nowhere when we most need it, deus ex machina.

The action is good. Marc kills the bad guys, not in any special way, but cool ways, which is cool. Nothing really stands out as new.

Maybe I am not connected like I need to be to Marc or any of the other characters. They all play their part in classic ways but nothing is different, to make them different in some way. I don't say I LOVE THIS CHARACTER or HATE THIS CHARACTER. They seem stock. The missing limbs works, though, nice touch.

Good, pretty good, but room to grow, I think.
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stevemiles
Posted: November 9th, 2015, 4:54pm Report to Moderator
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Tony,

Good opener -- crisp writing compliments the urgency of the scene and worked well to hook me into reading further.

The shift to Ras Kamboni kept the mood going -- there’s a degree of authenticity to the ‘action’ that comes through without throwing a bunch of technical detail at the reader.  I think it’s tricky to make action work on the page -- but this kept me in the moment and I thought it continued well throughout.  I will say I’m not a big fan of the asides -- bit overdone for my liking, though not something I’d stop reading over.  Could be a turn off for some -- that’s your choice, you know how it can go...

Having read this through I guess my main thoughts lie with the tone and trying to figure out what it is you’re aiming for.  Given the log I was expecting a little more on the relationship between Marc, damaged ex Navy Seal and his K-9, with the opening scenes putting me in mind of a tight, somewhat gritty actioner.  

Though following the discovery of the second shipment it felt like a lot of that got sidelined in favour of gung-ho set pieces; more in the Expendables/Steven Segal vein.  Spirit felt more like a ‘tool’ of the trade rather than Marc’s canine partner -- and I can’t say I sensed the bond between them that the idea seemed to suggest.  To me it feels like a wasted angle -- though again, I’m not sure it’s the story you’re looking to tell.

This isn’t directed as a criticism, just curious as to how seriously you want the story to be taken?  There were moments I found myself questioning the plotting/logic -- but then I might be missing the point.  Look forward to hearing your thoughts.

Steve  


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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TonyDionisio
Posted: November 10th, 2015, 10:06am Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Clorox and Steve,

Thanks for taking the time to do the reviews. I'm really happy about you guys making it all the way through. Short and economical was what I was going for. There's gotta be a little room for entertaining a reader in screenwriting, no?

Going back and adjusting stuff as mentioned. I needed to put this down for a few days.

I did have a lot of fun with it. Actually, I wrote THE END pretty quickly, kinda bummed me out.. But, I'll go with suggestions and try to add some things.

Kinda sorry you guys didn't mention the bar scene. I thought that was some of my best work. If filmed correctly, that can make a support type actor into a star. The story of the legendary Slack is actually true -- met the guy -- heard the stories from multiple people. Great shit.

I don't take too much seriously if it impedes my fun. But, I do work hard, research, try to entertain. My next story is this x2.

Thanks again,

Tony.


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stevemiles
Posted: November 10th, 2015, 6:23pm Report to Moderator
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Tony,

Jimmy Slack sounds like the kind of character deserving of his own story...  

The bar scene gives Kelly and Marc that chance to connect; other than that it serves as more of an aside -- not a bad scene, just lost in the mix.  Guido’s a stooge and Ganz isn’t around long enough to leave much of an impression.  Perhaps give him more room to breathe?  More of a character to bounce off of Marc which lends more weight to the betrayal.

Notes as I read:

You’ve two angles to come at Marc with and yet you play them almost simultaneously.  Feels like you’re rushing plot to get at the action.  

Why does Hirano risk kidnapping Kelly before he’s played his hand with Ganz?  He’d have no choice but to kill her as she could identify him…  A risky move for a guy who puts so much stock in chess.

Why does Ganz reveal his deceit so soon?  Why alert Marc to his presence only to give the game away?  Feels like you could work more from this angle.

In the final showdown why, if he doesn’t intend on complying with Hirano, does Marc give up his guns/body armour if only to keep the knife and baton?  Could he not stow them while holding onto the elevator?  I guess the idea here is for Marc to go up against Feng hand to fake hand -- though I can’t quite grasp the logic behind ditching his firepower.

Never quite figured who was taking the pictures outside the bar -- or for what reason.  Leverage to get at Kelly?  Though Ganz would know how to get at her through Judy and I assumed that’s how they got to her?  Marc taking off with the drugs hasn’t happened yet… What am I missing here?

The false leg reveal felt too abrupt for me.  Presumably that loss would form a part of who Marc is; yet it’s not something visible in his character. There’s no apparent trauma -- yet that’s what the flashbacks seemed to be building towards.  It didn’t feel like the dead Alsatian linked us back to the Spirit and Marc relationship, and the Christine angle is a red herring.  All we really gain from the missing limb is a quick (albeit satisfying) payoff in killing Hirano.

I’d weigh the benefits of introducing it earlier.  Give Marc something to work with as a character.  It could feed back into his role as part of a K-9 unit -- in some ways Spirit acts as his ‘legs’ for him.  Could be he’s not even happy about it -- perhaps relegated to this duty because of how the higher ups perceive his impairment..?  Gives you a degree of conflict to work with -- maybe he hates this damn dog because of it...  

You could potentially show us the leg early on; give us time to forget and then bring it back in that last scene.  Marc’s ‘letting go’ of his trauma/demons etc.  

Anyways, an entertaining read -- a bit too fast and loose to take much from but at 76 pages you’ve room to work with.  Look forward to checking out the next one.

Steve


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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TonyDionisio
Posted: November 10th, 2015, 9:43pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Steve,

Great points. Honor that you pulled that much analysis from the story.

"You’ve two angles to come at Marc with and yet you play them almost simultaneously.  Feels like you’re rushing plot to get at the action. "

Ah ha. Simply because of earlier critique from my other stories not getting into it soon enough. It was foremost on my mind every page.

Die Hard didn't fire a shot until page 21. That's a long time to go, don't you think? I wanted the prot. in my story on the run by that point. I had already fired plenty of shots, so that wasn't a problem.

"Why does Hirano risk kidnapping Kelly before he’s played his hand with Ganz?  He’d have no choice but to kill her as she could identify him…  A risky move for a guy who puts so much stock in chess."

He was watching Ganz first, happened to see Marc with Kelly. Took this info to get leverage after Marc steals the truck. I guess I'll have to clean this up.

"In the final showdown why, if he doesn’t intend on complying with Hirano, does Marc give up his guns/body armour if only to keep the knife and baton?  Could he not stow them while holding onto the elevator?  I guess the idea here is for Marc to go up against Feng hand to fake hand -- though I can’t quite grasp the logic behind ditching his firepower."

It was the deal he made with Hirano and also made him more vulnerable/dependent on Spirit. He was going to mail it in at that point to save Kelly. I'll show that more.

"Why does Ganz reveal his deceit so soon?  Why alert Marc to his presence only to give the game away?"

He's impatient/reckless. He also knew the Mercs had arrived and the gig was up. Marc was no one to him -- an outsider. K-9 guys work separately from others.

"The false leg reveal felt too abrupt for me.  Presumably that loss would form a part of who Marc is; yet it’s not something visible in his character. There’s no apparent trauma -- yet that’s what the flashbacks seemed to be building towards.  It didn’t feel like the dead Alsatian linked us back to the Spirit and Marc relationship, and the Christine angle is a red herring.  All we really gain from the missing limb is a quick (albeit satisfying) payoff in killing Hirano."

I had to put something in there you never seen before. Just like a chick in a nightgown in a roof crane reaching to another building to crush a helicopter. It is a popcorn movie.

The whole tribute is to look back and see a guy with one leg on top of his game/beat the bad guys/get the girl same as someone with both legs. Hirano knew about his leg. He didn't take him seriously enough.

I think in the end I created a character that arc'd by not giving up on himself. He certainly arc's more than John McLain did. Like I mentioned, 21 pages of John and his wife--kinda wouldn't fly this day and age. Hans didn't have much backstory. Kinda hard to fit it all in 1 script no matter how many pages. Hirano doesn't do it for the money, he is megalomaniac. I need to show that more too.

Anyway,

Thanks, you helped me a lot.
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