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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Journey's West Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: December 28th, 2016, 12:13pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Journey's West by J. H. Fong - Action, Adventure - "JOURNEY'S WEST" is the story of a Dallas cop trying to solve the murder of his estranged brother who was kill by a car bomb while investigating a drug smuggling case in Hong Kong, and in the process rigging mayhem through the street of San Francisco against a Chinese drug cartel.  It's "BULLITT" meets "DIRTY HARRY" for the 21st century. 155 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Erica
Posted: December 29th, 2016, 10:30am Report to Moderator
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I would say loose the watermarks, it's difficult to read like this and very unnecessary.

Second, 155pgs for an action script is too long.  Taking a brief look, I think there is a lot of over writing or too much fluff, much that can be trimmed down.  It's a script not a novel.

For example on page 5, you have 3/4 of a page of Rick leaving his house.  How does this move the story forward in any way.  If this was cut from the script would it change the story in away way?




[url]http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/GoodbyeV3a.pdf[/uit.url]
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Dr. Evo
Posted: August 5th, 2017, 5:43pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you for reading my script.  I know I'm tend to be a "LITTLE LONG WINDED".  But how do you like the story in general?  I'm actually going to uploads a updated version which's already at 200 pages with more scenes I deleted from the screenplay competition I enter last December.  I really hope you got nothing better to do and pardon the grammar.  I'm a storyteller, not a English teacher.  Sorry taking so long to replied your comment.   I'm now at a place with no internet service for the last 7 months.  It might take a while to reply back to you again.  Thanks again.  J.H.FONG
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AlexW
Posted: August 5th, 2017, 6:20pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dr. Evo
Thank you for reading my script.  I know I'm tend to be a "LITTLE LONG WINDED".  But how do you like the story in general?  I'm actually going to uploads a updated version which's already at 200 pages with more scenes I deleted from the screenplay competition I enter last December.  I really hope you got nothing better to do and pardon the grammar.  I'm a storyteller, not a English teacher.  Sorry taking so long to replied your comment.   I'm now at a place with no internet service for the last 7 months.  It might take a while to reply back to you again.  Thanks again.  J.H.FONG


Story is the most important thing.  But grammar and pace are both very important if you want people to enjoy your story. Many people won't read the whole script like it is. You don't have to be an English teacher, but the advice to edit this down is good advice.
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eldave1
Posted: August 7th, 2017, 6:21pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dr. Evo
Thank you for reading my script.  I know I'm tend to be a "LITTLE LONG WINDED".  But how do you like the story in general?  I'm actually going to uploads a updated version which's already at 200 pages with more scenes I deleted from the screenplay competition I enter last December.  I really hope you got nothing better to do and pardon the grammar.  I'm a storyteller, not a English teacher.  Sorry taking so long to replied your comment.   I'm now at a place with no internet service for the last 7 months.  It might take a while to reply back to you again.  Thanks again.  J.H.FONG


I won't read anything with water marks so I was out anyway - many others may have that issue as well I suspect.


Quoted Text
I really hope you got nothing better to do and pardon the grammar.  I'm a storyteller, not a English teacher.


I suspect that this might lose you readers as well.  People here - who are story tellers - bust their ass to get format and grammar and a host of other things correct.  I think they (or at least I would) want you to hit the same standard.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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