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Murderers' Row - Optioned (currently 2202 views) |
Don |
Posted: July 12th, 2017, 7:11pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16381 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Murderers' Row by Christopher Brown - Action, Adventure - A volatile gangster and unhinged vigilante go on a collision course when a gang war threatens the city. 108 pages - pdf, format
Writer interested in feedback on this work |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Revision History (1 edits) |
Don - September 1st, 2017, 3:31pm | | |
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Cacutshaw |
Posted: July 18th, 2017, 11:57am |
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January Project Group
Posts177 Posts Per Day 0.07 |
Thanks in advance to anyone who gives feedback. The script is inspired by Japanese Yakuza films with a little Hong Kong Catagory 3 insanity (hopefully). |
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Reply: 1 - 18 |
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PrussianMosby |
Posted: July 18th, 2017, 5:32pm |
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Posts1399 Posts Per Day 0.37 |
Logline: what city, what time? There's not enough drama in the logline as well. F.i. What's at stake if they don't get what they want? Logline's too vague, no tone, or indications what fights are to expected: kung fu, guns... just too vague as said.
I know nothing about this Hong Kong Yakuza mythology but I definitely will read into the script at some point. I recognized you give some great feedback since you're on the board and the formatting of your script looks all right. So, I'm definitely interested.
Just give me some time. I struggle with the One Week Challenge at the moment.
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Reply: 2 - 18 |
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Cacutshaw |
Posted: July 18th, 2017, 7:52pm |
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January Project Group
Posts177 Posts Per Day 0.07 |
Take all the time you want. Thanks.
And thanks for the feedback on the logline I tried to go simple on this logline since I usually write overcomplicated ones. One day I will find that happy medium! I was kind of hoping "gangster" "vigilante" and "gang war" might be enough, but you're right, it definitely needs more.
Hope you enjoy the script and thanks again. |
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Reply: 3 - 18 |
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Cooper |
Posted: August 24th, 2017, 12:16am |
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New
Posts68 Posts Per Day 0.03 |
I loved the big twist but I wish it had come earlier (it was around pg 96). I also loved that first scene.
Overall I would say the goal should be to simplify the story a bit. Yes, it gets bonkers but it can also get hard to follow at times. There are also a bunch of unfilmables that you need to prune.
I think the biggest problem stems from your logline, which even you admit is lacking. When you're able to REALLY nail down what your key story is (X vs Y or Z happens) you'll be able to figure out what you can leave out and what you can build from.
Several pages of notes are in the mail! |
| Am I on the right track with THIS ? Let me know. |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
Cooper - August 24th, 2017, 12:36am | | |
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Reply: 4 - 18 |
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Cacutshaw |
Posted: August 30th, 2017, 11:38pm |
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January Project Group
Posts177 Posts Per Day 0.07 |
Thanks for the feedback all! The script wound up selling because it was seen here. Fingers crossed it can go in front of a camera one of these days too. |
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Reply: 5 - 18 |
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ericdickson |
Posted: August 31st, 2017, 9:16am |
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LocationOrlando, FL Posts322 Posts Per Day 0.05 |
Im gonna check this out one of these days. |
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Reply: 6 - 18 |
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Cacutshaw |
Posted: August 31st, 2017, 9:39am |
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January Project Group
Posts177 Posts Per Day 0.07 |
If you'd like to give it a read, grab it soon. I've had to request for it to be taken off the site. |
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Reply: 7 - 18 |
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RodriguezFruitbat |
Posted: August 31st, 2017, 4:47pm |
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Posts92 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
Congrats on the sale! I grabbed my copy for a good read. |
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Reply: 8 - 18 |
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Cacutshaw |
Posted: August 31st, 2017, 6:27pm |
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January Project Group
Posts177 Posts Per Day 0.07 |
Thanks. Hope you enjoy it even half as much as I've enjoyed your scripts! |
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Reply: 9 - 18 |
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HyperMatt |
Posted: November 5th, 2017, 4:33am |
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LocationLondon, UK Posts440 Posts Per Day 0.17 |
Good luck with this Cacutshaw.
Keep us informed with your progress. |
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Reply: 10 - 18 |
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Cacutshaw |
Posted: November 5th, 2017, 11:35am |
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January Project Group
Posts177 Posts Per Day 0.07 |
Thanks.
I think it's now amongst a number of scripts the company has which are "in development". They told me they would let me know when it hopefully goes into production. |
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Reply: 11 - 18 |
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eldave1 |
Posted: November 5th, 2017, 11:56am |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.95 |
Thanks for the feedback all! The script wound up selling because it was seen here. Fingers crossed it can go in front of a camera one of these days too. |
Don't know how I missed this - big congrats dude - keep us posted. |
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Reply: 12 - 18 |
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Grandma Bear |
Posted: November 5th, 2017, 1:15pm |
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Administrator
LocationThe Swamp... Posts7961 Posts Per Day 1.36 |
Congratulations and good luck! I sincerely mean that. You say you sold the script. That's good. I for one no longer do these $1 options anymore. I optioned my best feature to a reputable company making films in the multimillion dollar area. I was so excited to see that my script was one of their scripts in development. Here I am two years later and the option is about to run out. They held it for two years and nothing happened with it. I'm very disappointed. I wish you the best with yours. Sorry, didn't mean to sound like a downer. |
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Reply: 13 - 18 |
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Cacutshaw |
Posted: November 5th, 2017, 2:42pm |
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January Project Group
Posts177 Posts Per Day 0.07 |
No problemo. I optioned my script Heels to local producers and watched them do nothing with it for a year. It happens all the time I bet. |
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Reply: 14 - 18 |
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