Street Tough :: SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board

I read the first 12 pages or so.  Good formatting.  Better than a lot of what I've seen here.  I can't comment much on the story, since 12 pages isn't enough to get into it, but here's a few things I noticed...

1. You had a decent number of words underlined in the first few pages that I don't think need to be.  I would only underline a word of dialogue if emphasis of that word if critical for the line AND not something that can be figured out through context. For example, on page 1 when Renny says "It's your fault!", I think the exclamation point is enough.  Same with Flint's "Now get back" line on page 2, especially since you're already using a parenthetical to tell how you think the line should be read.  You probably don't need to underline the word Hard a little bit farther down the page, too.  The word already stands out enough on it's own.

2. Flint's first line, on page 1 reads funny.   I had to read it through it few times to understand why he was stating his own name.  I get that he's introducing himself to the other officers, but it's not clear enough that he's just arriving on the crime scene.  I'd just cut it have him start with "I'm taking point."  Flint says his name again a little bit farther down the page when talking to Renny, and a patrolman says his name on the next page as well, so that should be plenty for the audience to know the character's name.  When Martie does the same thing on page 3 it makes more sense, since we see him drive up and flash his badge.

3. On page 7, the scene with Martie in the rear alley is hard to make sense of.  What is Martie staring at?  What is the line, "As Renny and Flint are nowhere to be found." supposed to mean?  Are we supposed to be surprised that Renny and Flint aren't in the garage at this point?  Is it the garage door or the car that knocks Martie out of the way?  And out of the way of what?  What is the importance of the car, and why is Martie flashing his badge at it?  Also, if the crime scene is on lock down, why is there a car driving around back there?  You could probably just simply everything there by using just a few lines of action having Martie sneak into the garage.

4. Check your DAY & NIGHT timing in your slug lines.  When Flint goes into the apartment it's DAY, but when Martie goes into the garage it's suddenly NIGHT.  Nothing has happened before that to indicate a passage of time.

5. Why is Flint's squad car in the apartment garage in the first place.  I mean, I guess that's possible, but I've never seen a squad car pull into an apartment complex's garage when responding to a call.  Usually they park out front, with the lights on, especially since you described it as a caged garage.  It might make more sense to just have Flint's squad car parked in the alley.

6. One page 9, Avilla's dialouge starting with "fifteen years ago..." feels a little too much like exposition.  The story he's telling reads like something the other characters already know, and that Avilla's just repeating it for the sake of the audience.  Maybe make his dialogue there a little more vague, and the feed the back story to the audience in a few more bits and pieces over the next several pages.

7. After the first 10 pages I'm not sure why Renny getting shot is important or why he's off limits to the cops beyond that his mom got killed in some sort of mistake 15 years ago.  However it's hard to imagine a situation in any city where a guy who holds a woman and child at gun point would be given any special considerations.  Like I said, maybe that's explained deeper in, but since they say a spec script is supposed to hook you in the first 10 pages, I just thought I'd point it out.  Maybe try to add a line of dialogue or two during the hostage situation that better clues the audience in to the fact that Renny has a special status beyond his criminal standing.

8. Your logline here in this thread is a little wonky.  The second sentence of the logline suddenly mentions a dead cop, but it's not clear from the first sentence that a cop has even been killed.  I would change "he finds himself the target of a brutal gangland slaying." to "he becomes the victim of a brutal gangland slaying."

9. After reading your logline, I realize that Flint isn't the protagonist.  I scanned ahead in the script and I see that the first person mentioned by name in your logline, Kolfax, doesn't show up until page 15.  That's pretty deep for a protagonist to show up in a 102 page screenplay.  Like I said, I didn't read the whole story, but maybe there's a way to merge Flint with Kolfax and thus introduce Kolfax in the opening sequence.  If not, I'd try to find some way to get Kolfax into the story in the first 10 pages or sooner.