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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  The Silence of the Lands Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Silence of the Lands  (currently 209 views)
Don
Posted: May 12th, 2018, 9:08am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Silence of the Lands by David Scott Mangione - Action, Adventure, Historical, Action, Drama - In 1834 Texas, a wealthy Mexican landholder is threatened by Anglo's and must defend his family and property from the Texas Rangers and Texas government to avoid abandoning his land. 113 pages - pdf format

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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  May 17th, 2018, 12:31pm
revised draft
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HyperMatt
Posted: May 12th, 2018, 10:19am Report to Moderator
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I love that title!


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DSM
Posted: May 12th, 2018, 5:36pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks. I hope you enjoy the screenplay.
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HyperMatt
Posted: May 12th, 2018, 6:19pm Report to Moderator
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I'll give it a look when I get a chance.


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DSM
Posted: May 12th, 2018, 6:25pm Report to Moderator
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Can you recommend something of yours to read?
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eldave1
Posted: May 12th, 2018, 7:33pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, D - read a few pages. Struck me that you could be more efficient by paying closer attention to the scene headings. example:


Quoted Text
INT. BANK - DAY

GREGORIA DE LA GARZA, 42, waits in front of the steel cage
at the the Bank of San Antonio. She stands out in her
colorful Mexican dress.


If move the name of the bank to the header you can save space:

INT. BANK OF SAN ANTONIO  - DAY

GREGORIA DE LA GARZA, 42, colorful Mexican dress.
waits in front of a steel cage

Same here:

Quoted Text
EXT. RESTAURANT PARKING LOT - DAY

A semitrailer stops in the back of the parking lot.


You already have parking lot in the header - don't need it in the action. e.g.,

EXT. RESTAURANT PARKING LOT - DAY

A semitrailer stops in the back.


Quoted Text
The bank teller, CHRIS, 24, walks up to Gregoria after
checking her balance.


An unfilmables in bold - and not needed. We couldn't have seen him check her balance and you indicate later in dialogue anyway. Just:

CHRIS, 24, approaches Gregoria.

Is all you need.


Quoted Text
A LARGE MAN in a suit, impatiently gets in line behind her.


clumsy here IMO - how does one impatiently get in line? Describe what's he's doing.


Quoted Text
Three more people get in line. The large man approaches the
cage.


people needs to be CAPPED


Quoted Text
Gregoria turns and holds her hand out to stop him.


Look for places to lose the "ands." reads crisper as:

Gregoria turns, holds her hand out to stop him.


Quoted Text
She turns back to the teller. This gets the attention of
the SECURITY GUARD. He walks toward her.


Should be Chris - not teller - although unless he is a reoccurring character - just refer to him as Teller from the start (like you did with Security Guard).

Anyone - just based on the opening pages - you could use a little clean-up I think. Hope these notes help


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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DSM
Posted: May 13th, 2018, 10:37am Report to Moderator
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Awesome. Very helpful. I appreciate the time you spent on such detailed notes. Exactly what I needed as I try to learn the craft. Will apply to the rewrite,  I can't wait to read some of your stuff. I agree with every comment. Seems so obvious now which is a little painful. I'll apply that to the whole script and then notify you when I post the rewrite. Back to work.
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eldave1
Posted: May 13th, 2018, 7:44pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from DSM
Awesome. Very helpful. I appreciate the time you spent on such detailed notes. Exactly what I needed as I try to learn the craft. Will apply to the rewrite,  I can't wait to read some of your stuff. I agree with every comment. Seems so obvious now which is a little painful. I'll apply that to the whole script and then notify you when I post the rewrite. Back to work.


Glad they helped - best of luck with it


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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HyperMatt
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Pages 1-6:

A curious start to what could be an interesting script. You really give a lot of empathy for Gregoria from that first bank scene and then with her kids working in the cauliflower fields. Hopefully what follows is a vivid examination of prejudice, but what do I know?

Pg. 3 migrant workers, any new characters should be in caps.

Pg. 4 how are you going to show the trailer is filled with the smell of burning kerosene?


The first time we know this is set in the 40s was when Ronald throws the paper on the burner. It seemed near-contemporary to me at that point. You might consider indicating it earlier as this is a period piece.

I like the fairy tale like transition to La Parra Rancho with Gegoria telling her girls the story. Now the story might go in a different directionů


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HyperMatt
Posted: May 14th, 2018, 3:21pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from HyperMatt
The first time we know this is set in the 40s was when Ronald throws the paper on the burner. It seemed near-contemporary to me at that point. You might consider indicating it earlier as this is a period piece.



That's because I didn't read the logline properly before I started reading. Silly me.


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DSM
Posted: May 18th, 2018, 8:58pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you so much for reading. I wrote "Silence of the Lands" to portray the true story of Texas during the time of the Alamo. It is rarely mentioned that the American immigrants stole most of their land from the Mexicans. The courtroom scene was taken from actual transcripts from Juan Seguin and Antonio Navarro. I believe it is a story that needs to be told.
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Dustin
Posted: May 20th, 2018, 2:20am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder than dialogue.

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Quoted from DSM
Thank you so much for reading. I wrote "Silence of the Lands" to portray the true story of Texas during the time of the Alamo. It is rarely mentioned that the American immigrants stole most of their land from the Mexicans. The courtroom scene was taken from actual transcripts from Juan Seguin and Antonio Navarro. I believe it is a story that needs to be told.


I would avoid this film. I love Westerns when they are done well, but this sounds cringe-worthy. Who cares who conquered what land? Everybody was fighting everybody and there had to be a winner. The losers crying later just shows the mercy of the victors - who allow them to live on after defeat.

You don't get that in Africa. They swing newborn babies by their legs and smash their heads off trees to kill them just because they're from a different tribe they believe needs to be wiped out. The Muslim factions too, killing each other in the most vicious of ways.

All this bullshitty claptrap where we're meant to feel sorry for Mexico over Texas, which is land the Spanish conquered hundreds of years ago anyway. OMG, the shock, the horror, give that man an Oscar!

I can just see their poor Mexican faces, a halo of sunlight about their heads, framing their innocence, their courage, and heart, lotsa, lotsa heart.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Unfortunately, the world only has so much sympathy to give. Mexico losing Texas is way down the list. Those are my thoughts after reading your logline and brief summary.
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DSM
Posted: May 20th, 2018, 4:05pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from eldave1


Glad they helped - best of luck with it


Applied your suggestions to entire script. The revision has just been posted
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DSM
Posted: May 20th, 2018, 10:02pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not making judgments. Many find the truth about history interesting especially when it's taught incorrectly. You might too Dustin if you read the script. 1834 to 1839 is a unique period in World history.  From 1821 to 1846 a family who owned land in Texas became citizens of Spain then Mexico then Texas then the United States. That's a fairly eventful 25 years.
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HyperMatt
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Up to page 20, and I have to say I am really enjoying this so far. The whole thing feels very elaborate and lavish and has a lot of empathy for the family of protagonists. Richard and his men are clearly established as the antagonists and they seem to have real motivation to do whatever evil did that they are sure to do in the next few pages.
I feel like the story really starts at La Parra Rancho and the migrant worker story at the beginning seems redundant. I'm sure it will make sense as I continue to read.
Hopefully, the momentum will continue through the rest of the script.


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