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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  The Polar Cabal Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: July 3rd, 2018, 3:19pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Polar Cabal by Gerasimos Rozis - Action, Adventure - KTT agent Martin Jacobs must stop the plans of a billionaire terrorist that threatens to sell a highly innovative anti-torpedo system to the highest bidder. 88 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Gerasimos
Posted: July 4th, 2018, 11:10am Report to Moderator
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The Polar Cabal - Synopsis - Action/spy

James Barns is the FBI agent in charge of the Joint Terrorism Task Force investigation over a terrorist attack in Stanford University. When the President himself asking for the terrorist's head on a plate (the one who planned the attack) in less than 60 days, the JTTF delivers in time.

Soon after, a russian submarine considered decommissioned, engages into a series of wargames against a US destroyer and another Russian sub in the North Atlantic, revealing an innovative antitorpedo system, capable of blocking incoming attacks. The President calls for Martin Jacobs, the leader of KTT group One, an unlimited resources and clearance agency, to investigate this, and if possible steal that system before it gets to the wrong hands.

Martin's investigation reveals a connection among the terrorist attack in Stanford and that hi-tech system, and all hell breaks loose.

On his way to stealing that new technology, Martin not only has to find a way to steal that system, but also to deal with  the future of his KTT group after his retirement.


This is an action-spy script, including three naval warfare scenes, which I'm still working on.

Note: I ditched around 10 pages of 'research' around the investigations in order to extend the battlescenes and not cross the 110 page limit. If anyone feels that more info around those investigations is needed/needs more clarification or it's just too forced, please let me know!

My logline sucks, yes I'll change it soon.


Features:
KTT PART ONE: THE POLAR CABAL
NIHILUM - A LORD OF THE RINGS STORY
EGEND

SHORTS:
LOST SOULS




Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Gerasimos  -  July 12th, 2018, 1:48pm
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eldave1
Posted: July 4th, 2018, 12:27pm Report to Moderator
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Read the opening of your first battle scene:


Quoted Text
INT./EXT. SOMEWHERE IN THE ARCTIC OCEAN - SAME TIME

30 miles away, USS MICHAEL MURPHY, ambles next to the frozen
point of no return; a monstrous glacier of epic proportions
ahead.


You don't need 30 miles away in the description - if critical - put it in the header. Also the description is redundant (monstrous and epic)  I would just go with something like:

The battleship USS MICHAEL MURPHY glides towards a monstrous glacier.


Quoted Text
Captain Jonathan Masterson, emotionless, chats with his
Executive Officer (EO).


Describe the captain and include an age - just call the other character EXECUTIVE OFFICER - no need for the EO - also - all characters should be capped when intro'd. Don't need chats with - the dialogue that follows tells us that.

CAPTAIN JOHNATHAN MASTERSON (age - description) looks out over the sea. Next to him, his EXECUTIVE OFFICER (age - description).


Quoted Text
JONATHAN
Such a peaceful day.
MASTERSONíS EO
Indeed Captain, another day close
to heaven.
JONATHAN
(points the glacier)
Letís keep it just close to it
then. Go around that.
MASTERSONíS EO
Yes Captain!


Seems a bit silly - the go around that part - I assume that the EXECUTIVE OFFICER knows not to sail into a glacier. Again - just call him EXECUTIVE OFFICER rather than MASTERSON'S CO


Quoted Text
The EO turns towards the Helmsman.


You have a new character here (HELMSMAN) - not properly intro'd as is - should be capped, age - description.


Quoted Text
Orders given and affirmed. The destroyer moves around the
iceberg.


Don't need given and confirmed - the dialogue already has it.


Quoted Text
A torpedo launches out of nowhere. In the sonar shack, red
beeping lights bombard the computer display. The young Sonar
Operator (SO) removes his headset, furiously thumbs buttons,
like playing a piano.


Lots of issues here. Torpedo launching out of nowhere is  unclear - what am I supposed to be seeing?

You moved to another location (THE SONAR SHACK) without a change in scene heading.

Don't use the SO - just call him SONAR OPERATOR - all these initials are going to confuse your reader.  


Quoted Text
MASTERSONíS SO
Sonar conn captain! Torpedo in the
water. Itís active!

JONATHAN
Battle stations!


Above very  unclear - are the SONAR OPERATOR and the CAPTAIN in the same room??? Isn't the Captain on deck?


Quoted Text
Crew at battle stations. From peace to hell in less than a
second.


Not enough - you need to describe the CREW scurrying towards battle stations i n more detal.


Quoted Text
Jonathan looks unconcerned. Find out who that idiot is.


I did not understand the above - what idiot? Why wouldn't he be concerned - a torpedo is coming.


Quoted Text
Amplified pings. Torpedo is getting closer.
The destroyer reaches the edge of the glacier. A hard left
turn, gets behind it.


Again - very confusing. I assume when we are hearing PINGS we are in the Sonar Room and we must be on deck as we see the Destroyer reach the glacier. Needs to be something like. Also - CAP sounds. Something like:

SONAR ROOM

The SONAR OPERATOR trembles as the PINGS amplify signalling the torpedo closing in.

ON THE DECK

Wide eye CREW watch as the Destroyer nears the glacier.

Not that exactly - but the point is if you are going to different spots on the ship - you need to point that out with a mini-slug or a full header - much like you would do if your character was moving through a house.


Quoted Text
MASTERSONíS EO
10 seconds Captain.


Missing a comma after seconds.


Quoted Text
The glacier gets in between the destroyer and the incoming
torpedo.


The glacier moved?? I think you mean the ship gets behind the glacier - right?

I'm going to stop here because you have the same problems throughout. I am guessing they permeate the script and you probably need to clean that up everywhere.  And some of it is basic stuff (e.g., character intros, scene headings, etc.) - So, there is some homework in order IMO.

Dialogue is just okay - sometimes it is too stereotypical - sometimes a bit unnatural. But you should not worry about that now - fix the issues above.

HOWEVER:

Don't get distraught.  I think you have a great imagination. The essence of the scene is great. A Destroyer using a glacier as a shield against a mysterious torpedo - that's great stuff, mate.  So, my gut is that you are a talented story teller who needs to learn the nasty guidelines of the script writing business.

Read some battle scenes from pro scripts, research formatting/character intros etc and you will get there. Like I said - you already have the hardest part down - imagination.









My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Gerasimos
Posted: July 4th, 2018, 1:07pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Dave for the fast reply!

Couple things to clarify.

Captain Jonathan Masterson, has been introduced properly (capitals, age) earlier in the script, so I guess there is no reason to re-introduce him.

The reason I chose the Masterson's EO/SO etc is due to the fact that throughout the script there are 2 subs, 1 destroyer and 1 carrier with similar officers participating in the dialogue/action, so I guessed it's easier to clarify who is who from the start.

The 'orders given and affirmed' is a casual description on couple other famous movie scripts. I'll probably ditch it anyways.

"Jonathan looks unconcerned. Find out who that idiot is." I thought that it's obvious, when a destroyer positions behind a glacier, the incoming torpedo will hit the glacier and not the ship while on full stop. I'll clarify this somehow^^  (later on "The glacier gets in between the destroyer and the incoming torpedo" yes that's a mistake, should have been something like " the Destroyer gets behind the glacier, uses it as a shield, providing full cover from the incoming torpedo or something"...)

Really appreciate the notes!



Features:
KTT PART ONE: THE POLAR CABAL
NIHILUM - A LORD OF THE RINGS STORY
EGEND

SHORTS:
LOST SOULS



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eldave1
Posted: July 4th, 2018, 1:21pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Gerasimos
Thanks Dave for the fast reply!

Couple things to clarify.

Captain Jonathan Masterson, has been introduced properly (capitals, age) earlier in the script, so I guess there is no reason to re-introduce him.

The reason I chose the Masterson's EO/SO etc is due to the fact that throughout the script there are 2 subs, 1 destroyer and 1 carrier with similar officers participating in the dialogue/action, so I guessed it's easier to clarify who is who from the start.

The 'orders given and affirmed' is a casual description on couple other famous movie scripts. I'll probably ditch it anyways.

"Jonathan looks unconcerned. Find out who that idiot is." I thought that it's obvious, when a destroyer positions behind a glacier, the incoming torpedo will hit the glacier and not the ship while on full stop. I'll clarify this somehow^^  (later on "The glacier gets in between the destroyer and the incoming torpedo" yes that's a mistake, should have been something like " the Destroyer gets behind the glacier, uses it as a shield, providing full cover from the incoming torpedo or something"...)

Really appreciate the notes!



Glad they helped.  Best of luck


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Gerasimos
Posted: July 12th, 2018, 8:55am Report to Moderator
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Few corrections and additions to the script.

Still working on a few things, i'll have the final version in a week or so.
revised draft shareable link: https://drive.google.com/open?id=1saMdLHF4WqHgQHCJNoQaYMhpnhTrly0e

looks like a better logline..
When a new submarine technology threatens the balance of the world's naval warfare, the point man of KTT, Martin Jacobs, is called to steal it.


Features:
KTT PART ONE: THE POLAR CABAL
NIHILUM - A LORD OF THE RINGS STORY
EGEND

SHORTS:
LOST SOULS




Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Gerasimos  -  July 13th, 2018, 10:40am
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