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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Simplyscripts Collaborative Effort  ›  Ray W's Magnificent Electric yet Newsy Exercise Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Ray W's Magnificent Electric yet Newsy Exercise  (currently 4346 views)
bert
Posted: November 9th, 2010, 3:28pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Grandma Bear
Bert, I suggested to Don years ago that you would be the perfect mod....


Yeah...I am gonna get you for that one of these days, too...


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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dogglebe
Posted: November 9th, 2010, 3:46pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from bert
And don't even get me started on the crappy benefits package...


You get packages of crap as a benefit?  That's awesome!  

You deserve it, big guy.


Phil

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Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 9th, 2010, 9:26pm Report to Moderator
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Ray,

Just knocked off Glory and Pride.
I like your take on the headline.
I typically enjoy seeing scenarios like this from the other side's point of view.
I was reminded of the recent Woody Harrelson film, "The Messenger".
The action does read a bit thick, so I read through it twice.
I think we both are prone to dense action description.
The high character count was another reason I went back over the material.
But what do I honestly know?
The $1.5 million spec Snow White script starts off this three pages of action description.
The only criticism that sticks out here is the "shooting looks" and "portrait watching".
I understand what you were going for with the portrait though.
The shooting of looks and glares and glances got to me though.

Solid job, I'll check out your furry dialog fest later. Thanks for the read!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 10th, 2010, 10:04am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from RayW
SMALL POWERS by Ray - Fantasy, Short - While a heated argument wages over the legitimacy of a map to eternal feasting, furry friends can't help but use their magical powers to toy with each other. 9 pages - PDF format

Let me know what worked and didn't, including the loggie.

Thank you!


Ray,

This read easier for me than Glory and Pride.
Since you asked, I'll start with the logline.
I honestly blanked on the second half of the sentence.
I mentally dropped the while and stopped reading after "feasting".
LOL, I don't know why, that's just the way I read it.
A shorter sentence structure would do you some good there, maybe that's why?
"A group of friends discover a map that could set them up for life."
Something like that might draw some attention to your story.

I struggle with economy and efficiency too sometimes, especially early drafts.
Heh, you totally blew the one line of action things, that's a toughy.  
The stuttering in the dialog did slow me down some too.
I think I would like this story better sans the magical powers.
Without them, this reads like a furry take on the Reservoir Dogs opening scene.
I love the idea of them puzzling over landfill maps like on a bank job.
This is a lot of fun and a few steps in the right direction with your writing.
Thanks for the read!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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mcornetto
Posted: November 11th, 2010, 5:40pm Report to Moderator
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Ray,

I wouldn't want you to think that I gave you an impossible exercise.  So I did the exercise myself.   This should give you an idea of what I was looking for.

Sisters by Michael - Thriller, Short - Two sisters play a secret game.

Enjoy.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: November 11th, 2010, 8:34pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from RayW
(Moderators: If I need to start a new thread, move this elsewhere or something just let me know.)

NOVEMBER EXERCISE
November => Thanksgiving => Family.
Theme: Write a short about anything to do with family.
Parents, kids, grandkids, grandparents, adopted, spouses, pets, surrogates, whatever.
Elements: November 1st, 2010 New York Times Headlines.



I hit the 'Advanced Search' as well. Noticed a few nice ones- but some of these 'headlines' are from NY Times blogs and smaller stories from the 1st. Do they count also?

Curious.

Note: it's too bad "The Underbelly Project" story was printed up the day before; that would be near PERFECT for a film subject of any kind.



"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106

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Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 12th, 2010, 10:13am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from mcornetto
Ray,

I wouldn't want you to think that I gave you an impossible exercise.  So I did the exercise myself.   This should give you an idea of what I was looking for.

Sisters by Michael - Thriller, Short - Two sisters play a secret game.

Enjoy.


Michael.

This was a real nifty read.
There were a few spots where you had two lines of action, but who cares?
New rule: three action mulligans allowed. Two liners.
The only thing that kept distracting me was the sisters' names.
I'm currently watching The Sarah Jane Adventures on the BBC. =p
I read the ending over...twice.
Question, were the sisters clearing the spot where daddy was buried?
If so, wow, you got me there. Or am I way off base? Fab story!

Regards,
E.D.

P.S. Michael, do you know where the Snow White & the Huntsman script link is?
I tried the search engine to no avail.
I'm reading the damn thing and want to spark some discussion. Thanks.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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RayW
Posted: November 12th, 2010, 10:51am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from mcornetto
I wouldn't want you to think that I gave you an impossible exercise.  So I did the exercise myself.   This should give you an idea of what I was looking for.

Enjoy.


Wow.
I honestly figured you were busy, so appreciate your work with me all the more.
I... have some stuff to do today, and will get back to you this weekend.
Fair enough?
"Yes!" I see what you mean, now - and it's an enjoyable short. Not as much as the sisters were having, but...




Quoted from DarrenJamesSeeley
I hit the 'Advanced Search' as well. Noticed a few nice ones- but some of these 'headlines' are from NY Times blogs and smaller stories from the 1st. Do they count also?


Pirate's Code: More of a guideline rather than a rule.
Gopherit.
The point of this exercise is to nail down FORMAT and worry about dialog and the merits of story construct later.
The larger intent is to cut down on citing basics for the 2011 FEB OWC.
Looking over the comments of the 2010 OCT OWC is what inspired this.



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mcornetto
Posted: November 12th, 2010, 3:49pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Electric Dreamer


Michael.

This was a real nifty read.
There were a few spots where you had two lines of action, but who cares?
New rule: three action mulligans allowed. Two liners.
The only thing that kept distracting me was the sisters' names.
I'm currently watching The Sarah Jane Adventures on the BBC. =p
I read the ending over...twice.
Question, were the sisters clearing the spot where daddy was buried?
If so, wow, you got me there. Or am I way off base? Fab story!

Regards,
E.D.

P.S. Michael, do you know where the Snow White & the Huntsman script link is?
I tried the search engine to no avail.
I'm reading the damn thing and want to spark some discussion. Thanks.


I'm pretty sure the instructions said two lines were allowed as a last resort if you felt they were needed.   The whole idea was for Ray to at least try and use one line actions.

But I'm glad you enjoyed the read.  You got it and I got you.  The sister were sharing their secret with you.  I may have been a bit to subtle with it but I thought people would get it.

I think this is the droids you've been looking for... I mean link.

http://scriptshadow.blogspot.com/2010/10/snow-white-and-huntsman.html
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RayW
Posted: November 17th, 2010, 3:04am Report to Moderator
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NINJA GOPHERS by Ray - Short, Office Comedy, Drama - The complexities of office politics spill into the streets as cube town gophers fight for more than coffee and muffins. - 16 Pages. PDF Format


Alright, lettuce see if this is any better on trimming the wooly, novelly, flowery.

"No", it's not a complete short.
At fifteen screenplay pages it's already too long for an exercise in format.
It's two and a third acts, and fight sequences are just a royal PITA to choreograph. Especially with dialog in there.
There should be enough in there to determine if I'm doing some things right and wrong.

Michael -
Don't know how well I did or didn't achieve telling the story with dialog rather than action.
I think there's both.
Although I can differentiate between the the story told with dialog and the one through action I'll concede a fail if so levied.


Format/reading elements I'm looking for:
- Does the logline entice you to read this?
   I differentiate between an erroneous (not just bad) logline and a misleading one.
   Some would argue that a misleading is a fail.
   I would cite PTBarnum: Sucker born every minute.
- Are the action lines still too dense?
   I broke it up with dialog whenever possible. Is it working?
- I tried two different match cuts. Did I do it right?
- Three SUPERS used. Correctly?
- PDF page 3 has dual dialog between five characters. Is this successful or did it bomb?
- PDF pg 4 has a sentence with comma breaks amongst dialog. Acceptable?
- A couple times I have action lines break immediately into-- CHARACTER and DIALOG.
   Work or kill?
- PDF 7/8 there are three gophers, Peter/Paul/Larry, with on screen one liners.
   Do I really need to make a visual description on them?
   I did another character, I just thought it would ruin the readership flow to drop one
   in on these guys at this point.
- (Wrylies) used several, like for whispering and into cell phone. Used appropriately?
- PDF 14 I tried a special "close up" shot of a cell phone.  Proper format, with return?
- PDF 15 I have two different dialogs running concurrent on both sides of a busy,
   multi-lane, city street. Do I need to make this an intercut, or is it brief enough to not
   warrant using that specification? In other words - are the names of the characters
   along with the action line descriptions sufficient to preclude intercut specification?
- Is it easy to keep characters separate through name and voice?
   Do they all talk alike?
- Do the off screen dialogs before character intros work?
- Does the title match the work presented?

Any remarks on the story itself are gravy.
This exercise is all about improving readability. Story is another critter altogether.
- Do you like the main protag et al?
- Is the story confusing? Elements of?
- At fifteen minutes in, do you want to see how this ends?
   Even if you know the good guys will win and the bad guys will get what's coming?
- Is the complexity ratcheting up sufficient - with interest - without the new
   characters muddling it all up?

Thank you.




Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
RayW  -  November 17th, 2010, 3:54am
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 18th, 2010, 11:02am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from RayW
NINJA GOPHERS by Ray - Short, Office Comedy, Drama - The complexities of office politics spill into the streets as cube town gophers fight for more than coffee and muffins. - 16 Pages. PDF Format

Format/reading elements I'm looking for:
- Does the logline entice you to read this?
   I differentiate between an erroneous (not just bad) logline and a misleading one.
   Some would argue that a misleading is a fail.
   I would cite PTBarnum: Sucker born every minute.


Greetings Ray,

Your logline enticed me enough to read this.
I would drop "The complexities of" from your logline for sure.
We never get to see the fight, but I didn't feel jipped either.


Quoted from RayW

- Are the action lines still too dense?
   I broke it up with dialog whenever possible. Is it working?
- I tried two different match cuts. Did I do it right?
- Three SUPERS used. Correctly?
- PDF page 3 has dual dialog between five characters. Is this successful or did it bomb?
- PDF pg 4 has a sentence with comma breaks amongst dialog. Acceptable?
- A couple times I have action lines break immediately into-- CHARACTER and DIALOG.
   Work or kill?

- Your action reads better overall here, had a few sticking points in the early going.
p. 1Optimistic hopefulness flows from her big blue eyes.
p. 3 SHARON, 38, corporate cougar, firmly clutching onto every
bit of her mature youth, savors over Grayson.

I got stuck on "optimistic hopefulness" it's a mouthful.
"corporate cougar" was enough description for Sharon for me.

- the first match cut, sliding lock to copier worked for me
the second on one the street I didn't even notice, ran right over it

- the five character dialog read fine for me, I got it.

- dunno if the comma breaks are Emily Post, but they helped me visualize


Quoted from RayW

- PDF 7/8 there are three gophers, Peter/Paul/Larry, with on screen one liners.
   Do I really need to make a visual description on them?
   I did another character, I just thought it would ruin the readership flow to drop one
   in on these guys at this point.
- (Wrylies) used several, like for whispering and into cell phone. Used appropriately?
- PDF 14 I tried a special "close up" shot of a cell phone.  Proper format, with return?
- PDF 15 I have two different dialogs running concurrent on both sides of a busy,
   multi-lane, city street. Do I need to make this an intercut, or is it brief enough to not
   warrant using that specification? In other words - are the names of the characters
   along with the action line descriptions sufficient to preclude intercut specification?
- Is it easy to keep characters separate through name and voice?
   Do they all talk alike?
- Do the off screen dialogs before character intros work?
- Does the title match the work presented?


- I'm Switzerland on the gopher trio, kinda read right past them back to story

- this is the only wryly I could find that stuck out as wrong to me
ROB
(into cell phone)
How many of you does it take?...
He’s a skinny jerk-off, one or two
should do... Yeah... Six,
whatever...


- CLOSE UP OF ROB’S CELL PHONE MAIN SCREEN
I don't think the "close up" part is needed, other than that, it worked for me.

- p. 15 multi dialog thing tripped me up, dunno if its proper but it stopped me reading

- I was fine with the off screen pre-intro dialog. I mentally edited visuals to it.

- The title, is cool, though a bit of a tease so far.


Quoted from RayW

Any remarks on the story itself are gravy.
This exercise is all about improving readability. Story is another critter altogether.
- Do you like the main protag et al?
- Is the story confusing? Elements of?
- At fifteen minutes in, do you want to see how this ends?
   Even if you know the good guys will win and the bad guys will get what's coming?
- Is the complexity ratcheting up sufficient - with interest - without the new
   characters muddling it all up?

Thank you.


Its an enjoyable read. Fun, light, a bit off the hook, which I enjoy.
I have no feelings either way for Grayson, he seems a player, which is fine.
I do want to see how it ends, how Grayson develops, etc.
The later character intros were fine for me, helped usher in new scenes.
I think this exercise is a positive step for you, congrats!

Keep up the good progress.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: November 24th, 2010, 11:24pm Report to Moderator
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I made my own deadline- Thanksgiving.
I made it.

Get ready for...



19 Percent

Spoiled food and a wild night of drinking result in two unlikely buddies to save Thanksgiving from going real foul.

Happy Thanksgiving.

It's a comedy. No surreal horror, unless you count last minute turkey shopping Thanksgiving morning. It's 30 pages long.


(Note: I'll also throw this in the que, but the pdf is hosted by my blogsite, not SS)



"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106

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RayW
Posted: December 1st, 2010, 4:51pm Report to Moderator
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Howdy, Darren

Seven day brain fart.
What else can I say?

Hmm...

Not that it makes a big hoo-ha to me, but whassup with the page numbers being in Times rather than Courier?

PDF page 5
She darts away from the table. Searches for items O.S.
Jake downs a cup of juice. Gargles it. Swishes.
Swallows.
PENNY (O.S.)
Thank you God!
JAKE
Thank God for stuffing and
potatoes.
PENNY (O.S.)
Sliced beets! Four cans of
sliced beets! Thank you, sweet
Lord!
Jake gulfs down the rest of the donut.

Good usage of (O.S.) dialog while Jake eats on screen.
gulps for gulfs

PDF Page 6
SUPER: 24 HOURS AGO
Good.

CLIENT
(on intercom)
I don't know, Taylor. I don't
want to make any snap-

Good use of wryly.
Interruption needs two dashes.

PDF pg 7
A CO-WORKER (30s) gives a thumbs up.
CO-WORKER
You are the man!

Good news! You don't really have to provide ages for "bit characters" when it just really doesn't matter.

Pg 10
INTERCUT
Nice.


Okey doke.
Format looks fine.
Like you almost know what you're doing!  

Lotsa white space sentence breaks for action lines.
A couple of typos. No big whup.

Title itself isn't very interesting and only weakly tied into the theme of the story.
Logline is mercifully short, but not very enticing.
"WOW! Two unlikely buddies  save Thanksgiving! WTH is going on here? I MUST know!... "
You know?
Although it does accurately fit the events of the story.

Dialogs of Taylor and Jewel stand out the best.
Penny and Nick make a sane couple.
Yolanda is a mashed potatos-w/o-butter-or-salt third wheel.
Jake was fine, especially giving uncle Taylor a hard time in front of the TV.



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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: December 2nd, 2010, 11:44pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from RayW
Howdy, Darren

Hmm...

Not that it makes a big hoo-ha to me, but whassup with the page numbers being in Times rather than Courier?
.



My FD is outdated (v5); the best way I can make PDFS at this time is export put to my Word as a RTF. Adding page numbers will always be in Times New-Roman. Hit print-save as PDF.

Thanks for reading.
It's also in the que for the rest of the masses.



"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
The Art!http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-knowyou/m-1190561532/s-105/#num106
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