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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    Simplyscripts Collaborative Effort  ›  Murder on the Simply Express - Killer Discussion Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Murder on the Simply Express - Killer Discussion  (currently 33247 views)
mcornetto
Posted: November 10th, 2011, 3:22pm Report to Moderator
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Everything is updated.

Good work Rene.  Though watch your slugs - I had a difficult time deciding where everyone is.  Didn't really notice it until I tried to update the drawing, sorry.  Hope I got it right.

Mr. Ripley is up next.  The last turn of the first round.  We're halfway through.
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ReneC
Posted: November 10th, 2011, 3:30pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from mcornetto
Everything is updated.

Good work Rene.  Though watch your slugs - I had a difficult time deciding where everyone is.  Didn't really notice it until I tried to update the drawing, sorry.  Hope I got it right.

Mr. Ripley is up next.  The last turn of the first round.  We're halfway through.


Sorry, thought they were clear enough. The placement looks right.



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Mr.Ripley
Posted: November 10th, 2011, 3:38pm Report to Moderator
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I'm on it. I wonder what I can come up with.


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: November 10th, 2011, 3:51pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from ReneC


Sorry, thought they were clear enough. The placement looks right.



I liked your post Rene. Especially ending it with the train going out of control. I think you moved it around well; so fast that I think you forgot to switch slugs a couple times.

Here's one: (the door to sleeper 2 opens... but we're in Sleeper 3)

SLEEPER 3

C sits crouched on the bed, clutching his bag to his chest.

C
Get away from me!

Z reaches into his jacket and pulls out a Beretta 9mm. He points it at C.

The door to Sleeper 2 opens and Y steps out, rubbing his head. Z steps back and trains the gun on him.

It all reads very quick and so I get that sense of action that I think you were going for, really picking up the tempo. I can imagine having lots more vivid imagery with this. Very good.  

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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ReneC
Posted: November 10th, 2011, 4:10pm Report to Moderator
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Ah, I see what you mean, Sandra. I meant for the events to be viewed from the corridor, not actually enter into the sleepers, but I guess I got caught up in the tempo. I'll check that next round.


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Dreamscale
Posted: November 10th, 2011, 4:19pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from ReneC
I meant for the events to be viewed from the corridor, not actually enter into the sleepers, but I guess I got caught up in the tempo.


This is an interesting issue and one that comes up for debate quiet a bit.  It's something I talk about at length with several writers in SS, quite frequently.

IMO, when you write action that does not take place within the Slug you set, you're making a mistake, attempting to "direct the shot", and opening yourself up for confusion on the part of your readers.

A classic example involves cars, and action taking place both within the auto and outside of it (where the camera can film from inside or outside the car).   Obviously, we're not dealing with a car scene here, but it's still the same concept - a hallway outside a room - meaning the camera can be either inside the room or out in the hallway.

But, again, to keep things as crystal clear as possible and to stay away from playing director, just write the action within wherever it takes place.  No one's ever going to be confused or bring it up, but if you attempt to write it other ways, you're just opening yourself up for problems.

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Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 10th, 2011, 5:36pm Report to Moderator
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Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

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Quite a fitting demise for our intrepid shutterbug.
I too, had some slug confusion, but appreciated the uptick in tempo.
And a fine capper to sign off with.

Nicely done, Rene!

E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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rdhay
Posted: November 10th, 2011, 10:35pm Report to Moderator
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Re the corridor thing, can't that issue be resolved by writing in something like 'from the corridor...'? Hmm, although I guess you would need someone actually *in* the corridor, otherwise you'll have a 'we see' going on.

Yeah, I'm siding with Jeff on this one
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Zanej
Posted: November 10th, 2011, 10:54pm Report to Moderator
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Good entry... stuffs heating up quick getting down to the final cast... whose gonna make it to the end...
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Dreamscale
Posted: November 10th, 2011, 11:05pm Report to Moderator
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Yes, you can write action away from the actual Slug like that, and it's perfectly fine.  It's a way of directing without using "direction". But, if you don't do it this way, it is incorrect, going back to what I said, why not just keep it easy and stay away from confusion and potential problems?
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rdhay
Posted: November 10th, 2011, 11:19pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, fair enough
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mcornetto
Posted: November 10th, 2011, 11:30pm Report to Moderator
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It wasn't that it was that difficult to read as it is - your mind allows for a bit of fuzziness when you read.  It was when I tried to actually represent it in the drawing that I ran into problems.   This could, of course, be because in order to decide who's where - I read the script backwards.
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rdhay
Posted: November 10th, 2011, 11:43pm Report to Moderator
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Ooh, that could make for an interesting Memento-esque experience:p
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mcornetto
Posted: November 11th, 2011, 3:14am Report to Moderator
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The script with names is updated.  Thanks again Darren.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: November 11th, 2011, 11:49am Report to Moderator
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I don't read the new scenes unless I have my list of who is who with me and it's at home. I don't see my character D on the updated list, so I guess I've died.


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