Let me start by saying that I am not a fan of romantic comedies.  Never have been, probably never will be.  So going into this I didn't know what to expect since the other things I've read from you have been dark dramatic pieces.  But hey, this is Breanne Holifield here, anything can happen, right?

I didn't take notes as I read, but I'll try to recap on the pros and cons.  First, Anna Lee Utah, what a heck of a gal!  Her character was fantastically molded out.  She's the clumsy beauty who always gets into trouble and has a serious bathroom problem.  You usually look at supporting characters in three different views.  1)Enjoyable, distinctive, etc. 2)Moderate, all aspects kind of cancel out so they're just there. 3)They suck.  For the most part, everyone involved was either a 1 or a 2.

Heath--good guy, low key.  Had some very fun lines especially in his sqabbles with Dennis.  Speaking of which, Dennis wasn't your ordinary playboy, sexist jerk.  He showed some elements of those things, but as a whole he had a goofiness to him.  Youd did a fantastic job of writing his part.  Everytime he came up in a scene I was looking forward to the exchanges between him and Heath.  In all honesty, I couldn't tell the difference between Nancy, Frye, John, and Preston, but I guess that's because they're kind of the second class of supporting characters, so it didn't do much damage to the story.

I actually think there are singles camps, aren't there?  I'm pretty sure.  It's a good concept to toy with.  I think I would have liked to see a little more of the mythies or maybe some more in-depth detail of them.  You got across the point that they're a bunch of stoner dorks dressed in goofy costumes, but there could have been more.  Maybe when Heath rescues Anna Lee from the loggers/poachers, they come out dressed in Lord of the Rings costumes or something.  I don't know.  That's just me I guess.

I also loved the whole backstory with the handicap impersonators.  That opening sequence in the bathroom had me cracking up!  And then Anna Lee comes out acting retarded?  That kind of shtuff is hilarious!  As Balt said, the names were also unique.  Anna Lee Utah, Heath, Madge, Dennis, Liz.  Some are more uncommon than others, but they're not the everyday names like Kate and Mike(no offense Shelton), that you hear every second.  

The dialogue was top notch.  Some of the namecalling and insults got me to laugh out loud, and it's amazing how you didn't run out!  Fart face, meat packer, "we were here first, termite!"  There was one insult from Heath to Dennis, I can't remember where it was(agh, now I wish I took notes!), it was something like "I'll stick my hand down your throat and curl up your ass" or something of that sort.  It sounded brutal, yet hilarious at the same time.

The very ending.  It ended on the line that we heard earlier, but this is a romantic comedy and it would probably be more appropriate to end it with a kiss.  Thankfully, this story was filled with shtuff that folks who don't especially like romanti comedies, will love.  

Overall I enjoyed this story very much!  Funny, touching, an overall refreshment in a way.  Now I can see that you're not only talented in the dark dramatic genre, but also with comedies.  Mighty impressive!  Now I'm more eager to read Metatron and see your take on science fiction, which I have added to my to-do list.

Hi Greg,

Thanks for the read/review!

I have no idea if there’s any such thing as a real singles camp. I just made it up. I think I heard something about it being real but that was after I wrote this.

Yeah, some of the more distant supporting characters were sacrificed in order to develop the main characters more. I was afraid, given the premise, that there was too much potential for too many characters so I sort of chiseled it down to a small group.

The Mythies are entirely fictional, based loosely on Dungeons & Dragons sorts. Originally, there was a scene at their camp/labyrinth where they had “battles” and then later a scene where there was a sect that worshipped Diana/Anna Lee and had built a makeshift statue of her, but those scenes were agonizingly cut for brevity.

The name Anna Lee is actually the name of a distant relative. I wanted her to have a genial Southern name that was simple yet distinct. She’s a recurring character for me. I get names from various sources, baby books, etc. Sometimes even the phone book. I’m always on the lookout for a good distinct and believable name. Contrived names are obvious so I avoid them at all costs.

I can’t really explain where all the put downs come from -- haha. I can only say two things in regards to that. Number one, the guys put down fights are based on actual men as I have observed them when they’re behaving…I think the word is macho. I’ve always found it sort of cute even though it’s usually way over the top. I wanted to capture the cuteness of it by making light of it. And Number two, I just have to be original. I just can’t recycle old material. I have to create my own. That’s just me. So I drudged up every put down I could think of. Surprisingly, they just started to flow, seemingly endlessly -- haha. What does that say about me? -- haha.

Nobody caught the “we got a runner!” line which is an homage to “Logan’s Run,” one of my favorite sci-fi stories. I have little homage’s to sci-fi in a lot of my scripts. Metatron has an homage to George Lucas in it. They’re so subtle, though, that no one ever notices. Also, I think you’ll find my idea of sci-fi to be deviant from the average as well.

Greg, thanks for the read. I’m glad you got a laugh out of it. Dark stuff tends to be dark and mysterious but in some ways, comedy is more putting yourself out there than any other genre. The genre deserves more respect than it gets. Thank you.

Brea

Now, this was FUNNY!

Breanne, I can tell you that you are now 6 people closer (tell you more later on) to finding your 5 million people that like this script. We had a full house here this weekend so I didn't get any writing done, but we hung out in the backyard a lot so I did do a lot of reading.

I started out by reading "Better Days, episode 3", that cracked me up pretty good so I decided to read something else of Wesley's and read "In Don we trust". That was even funnier! Since I was already in a laughing mood I decided to read this one rather than Devil in D minor.

This one I was laughing so hard at times that I had to put the laptop down from my stomach because I was actually worried it might get damaged by being violently shaken around. People were wondering what I was laughing at and demanded to know.

I handed the pc over to my husband who's a very funny person and does brilliant southern accents, since you're from the south you know that there are many different variations of it. He can do all of them, from upper class, old money to in-bred, grit, never been outside of Andersonville. I'm telling you, with him reading this aloud in different voices this was like party atmosphere, better than most "stand up comedy". The only thing missing was a keg of beer. We got cramps! (he did tone down some of the language, not that they haven't heard any of it before, but some things you just don't want to hear from your parents).

SPOILERS:

Anna Lee got my sympathy immediately, from the working conditions to the supervisor to her personal dilemma, not to mention the jerk co-worker.

The whole bathroom scene was funny. I think most women can relate, and it is that nasty too which is why I always try to use the handicapped ones. They're usually cleaner (I think from now on I will always think of this script when I have to use one though).

What a time for a darn fire. Ha ha.

Delia and Theo was probably the only part that was a little weaker than the rest of the script. However, I really appreciated them after the first Madge encounter, I really needed to catch my breath and rub my watering eyes.

That bathroom scene with Madge, well, I don't think it could've been any funnier. I wish I've had a camera rolling when he was doing Anna Lee's handicap impersonator, I would've sent you a copy. It was about as funny as things get. I know it wasn't quite kosher to make fun of people like that, but that aside, it was absolutely hilarious. I'm laughing now just thinking about it.

I can relate to Anna Lee's entrance to the Resource Center, been in that situation many times. You're out of place, immediately not fitting in, everyone staring.

The time zone thing was funny!
I once took a rich lady horse shopping in Europe and she actually asked me if the sun still comes up in the east, she said since we were in a different hemisphere she wasn't sure!

You had about 40 people at this camp, I'm glad you chose to use only a handful of them. The number was just right, any more and I think it would've been confusing. The characters are great and the verbal sparring is nothing less than brilliant, really nice!

I know this Dennis character. I've known plenty of people like him. Does everyone hate lawyers?

You did great with having everyone having interesting careers and Anna Lee feeling that she doesn't measure up. I can relate to that.

I liked how Anna Lee decides to make things up and becomes a "mallet operator". Sick, but funny!

I like this Heath guy. I think he's my type.

I like how you differentiate between the women and the men talking about the other gender. It's really about the same thing, but the women are not as coarse or frank as the men, but it's still the same.

                          DENNIS
               Like in the old days when men were men and women were thoroughly
               subjugated. And the men would go off to war, but the dandelions would stay              
               behind and sew tent curtains.

Funny, but I really dislike Dennis now. (I played June Cleaver for 18 years, kicked her out last August)

This next part in the Gent's, what can I say, another laugh attack!

I think I'm going on too long here, so I'm just going to say, this was EXCELLENT. If you want the rest I'd be glad to send it to you.

I hope you get your own production company underway and produce this. I know I can fill some theater seats here in Florida and quite a few in Atlanta as well.

PS: This whole thing is just too funny, Madge the ultimate handicap impersonator, brilliant!

I think after this weekend, I'm convinced that "shorts" are easy to read and comment on, but reading what the writers here have spent some REAL time on is much more rewarding and worthy of respect.
(unfortunately I've written another short myself, but in the future I will try to stick to serious work.

Hope others will read this as well.

Hi Tomson,

Hey, great. I’m glad you enjoyed it. I bet your husband was a blast to watch. I would have liked to have seen that as well, except for one thing; I can hardly bear to see my work acted out -- haha.

I had a director send me a test shot of a scene from a (different) script I wrote. He did an amazing job. The set looked good and the actors were really good. He has some experience with music videos and he’s an amazing editor. But I was just wincing the whole time -- haha. It wasn’t because he did a bad job. He did an amazing job. I was just going nuts watching my own writing acted out. I don’t know why but I understand completely when actors, writers, etc., say they can’t watch their own work.

Yeah, I had considered producing this one myself. That’s why the original had camera direction in it. It’s been shopped to Hollywood agents but none have seemed that interested in it -- maybe if one would actually read it, that would help -- haha.

I just don’t have access to enough quality actors, actresses, and crew to really pull off a film the way I want it done. Or, to put it more accurately, I don’t have enough money to gain access to those resources.

I set about to produce “Metatron” on my own once. I drew up a budget proposal and everything. I was actually looking at hiring a production service in Canada to help refine the budget, hire the crew, cast, do the editing, even do the CGI (most of which would have been done post-production anyway), but the logistics just never came together. In fact, at one time, I had considered building my own soundstage. But I fell onto financial hard times and lost my home and property. There’s always something -- haha.

I’m not a failure for lack of trying, that’s for sure.

Anyway, thanks so much for the read and review. This one keeps getting pulled back up just as it’s about to fade into obscurity for some reason. It seems to be a fighter of sorts.

Sure, send me the rest. I love feedback, especially if it’s positive.

Thanks Tomson. I’m glad ya’ll enjoyed it.  

Brea

What the Hell are “Butt guards”? I thought they were called “toilet seats..” This is a new one on me.. Lol..

Haha “punch you in the v*****” – very funny, laughed my ass off!

“Anna Lee exits, walking with a bizarre limp, acting retarded. Her hair is messed up and she has a stupefied look on her face.”

haha, wet myself reading this..


Haha, laughed when the characters introduced themselves at the camp - the bit where HEATH and DENIS exchange dislike for each other right off the bat is shear genius..

Loved the women chatting in regular female chat in their room and cutting to the guys with HEATH and DENIS continue to square off at each other.. The sexist remarks are hilarious and are very good observations.. You’re good at this Breanne.. Too good for my liking..

“territorial pissing” – ha!

Haha, women imitating men pissing – laughed my ass off!

LIZ
Wow. You really do have bad luck with
bathrooms.

Fantastic transition to the next scene.. Knocked me out that!

“I see unicorns and rainbows”. – I love the way this is woven into the script, an excellent example of continuity and re-occurring thread of a character’s personality..

This is an amazing screenplay Breanne, I can’t fault your story-telling and your dialogue, it really is very, very funny.. Sure it’s got some formatting problems but to be honest I disregarded any negative aspects and just concentrated on your clever story, characters, the funny situations and funny dialogue..

I can see this being produced into a movie, I can..

I’ll never use a Disabled Toilet ever again – lol…

This script reminded me of a British writer/director called Mike Leigh who wrote a BBC Play For The Day called NUTS IN MAY which was based with nutty characters in a camping site but obviously the story is very different. Just some of the gags like this play really appeals to my sense of humor

You should be very proud of this SINGELS CAMP, it’s right on the money.. The timing of the jokes and gags are really well written..

Well done..

Kev

Butt guards are a slang reference to the onion paper disposable seat covers for toilets. Guys probably don’t use them very often but I don’t see how womankind ever made it without them - haha.

The handicapped material really is meant with the utmost respect to the handicapped. My experience with handicapped people is that they would prefer to be treated the same as anyone else. I thought it would be great to treat them with a sort of high respect at the same time they were treated with the same irreverent comedy as everyone else in the script by targeting their…“specially modified bathroom facilities” or their “large and luxurious bathroom stalls.”

I think someone brought up once before somewhere about my observational skills with men. Believe me, Kevan, it’s a lot of work. If I want to be a good writer, I have to do research. That means, in order to write male characters, I’m required to do a lot of “man watching.” Yes, it’s a real chore. I have to spend many hours just watching their muscles flexing while doing physical labor -- oh, the horror of it. Or watching a handsome man tower like a demigod as he takes charge of a situation - oh, the tedium. It’s work, I tell you.

Thanks for your read/review. I’m glad you liked it. I very much enjoy British humor. I used to sit up in the wee hours and watch “Monty Python” on the Public channel when I was a kid. I didn’t get a lot of it at the time but I loved the zaniness. I’ll never forget the “Ministry of Silly Walks” -- haha.

Thanks Kev.

Breanne, this was a thoroughly enjoyable read. Can't really comment that much on it beyond praising the various little ingenious scenes. Got a big kick out of Eagle-Beak and his constant insistance that the white man rewrote histroy. I could completely see someone being that way. Loved the conversation between Anna Lee and Mom about the super-heroes.

The only thing I thought went weird was the bit at the end with the handicapped sign. I can't put my finger on it, but it just feels like it resolved too easily. Being the wrap up for that last sub-plot, I feel like it should be more difficult to get out of it, even though it's obvious what went on. I want to say it's because Heath bailed Anna Lee out of the situation instead of her resolving it on her own. There has to be a way for her to be her own hero and just be backed up by everyone else instead of her being the victim and being saved by everyone else. Maybe that's what it is. If the sign were recently dug, she should be able to just walk over and yank it out. That will reveal the charade, and everyone else can jump in and agree. My thought on that alone.

Everything worked real well for me.

Breanne

Actually, George has a good point here, I noticed it when George highlighted this..

You'll need to have Anna Lee turn the final showdown around which then implicates Madge.. Then the cops chase after here and we have resolve..

As the situation is comedic it still works just re-working the ending so Anna Lee can be seen as a hero who wins her own battle..

You screenplay would then conform to the Hero's Journey model and Anna Lee can move on with her life, her prize for going on her quest, well, the prize is Heath of course and the possibility of a better life away from working in that darn factory.. That's her boon..

Cool...

Do it...

Or you'll get smacked legs..

OK?

Hehe..

George (and Kevan),

You make a very valid point. I didn’t write this with a lot of structure. I just sat down one day with the premise and started writing. Two or three days later, I had a first draft and then came the tinkering.

You’re absolutely right. Thanks. Whenever I get back to a point where I can concentrate on my own writing, I’m going through this and fix the format and story problems. I’ve learned a lot since I originally wrote this and then, of course, I’ve received a lot of great advice from posters to use to improve this a great deal.

Thanks guys,

Breanne

Hey Brea,
I'm glad I got to read this one. You had me laughing out loud with your one liners.

I know a couple like Delia and Theo. I loved how she reminded him that he was not single, and not to turn it around on her. Loved it!

That darned supervisor. I wanted to smack him. I would have liked to seen him have trouble with the bathroom in some way or another.

I've worked in a few different factories over the years so I can relate to Floyd when he says they've been complaining for years about that electrical panel, and then the manager tries to put it back on the workers by saying it could have been an operator error.

Loved the bathroom scenes. Anna Lee limping with her hair messed up, making Madge out to be the bad woman. Anna Lee and Liz in the men's bathroom... A piece of art! I laughed my butt off...

I liked the patch idea. I liked the whole camp idea for adults and all the interesting situations that came about. Very funny, Breanne! A very enjoyable read that I, too, would go to see at a theater.

Cindy  

  

Hey Cindy,

Thanks for the read/review. I’m glad you got some laughs out of it. I’ll do my best to bring about its being produced but, well, you know how that goes…

There’s a little bit of some real person in every character I write.

I downloaded one of your scripts to read but doggone if you didn’t put a new one up before I could even read the old one. I’m working on a project that appears will never end but when it does…I’m terribly far behind on reads but I’m committed to catching up.

Again, thank you for the encouragement.



For the ones who don’t know who Billy Jack is, here’s a pic. It took a little finagling because it was fractured, apparently to keep people like me from copying it.



I hope it doesn’t make Mr. Laughlin mad because he can still kick my butt, even in his now advanced years. He’s like 70 now but he’s still good looking. Unfortunately, he’s a little outside my age range. *Darn, if he was just 20 years younger…


*Note - I’m not fifty, just old enough to date someone who is -- haha.

Hey Brea,
I'm really far behind on reading, too, so don't feel bad. There doesn't seem to be enough time in the day anymore.
I really did enjoy this one.
Everything new that's been coming out of Hollywood has been about the same. That's why I don't go to the movies, but maybe once or twice a year. If someone out there was smart, they would go ahead with this one. It was a lot of fun, and very different.

Hum.  I really liked this, for the most part.  Lots of brilliant one-liners, and some great situational stuff as well.  Eagle-Beak was my personal favorite.  

But I think it was all a bit TOO irreverent.  We have a bunch of fun, sure, but I don't think the stakes are ever high enough to really invest in the characters...so, even though people will be laughing all the way through, they won't say "Awww" at the end and hold their significant other's hand when Heath and Anna kiss.  

Heath and Anna have this mutual attraction right off the top, of course.  But then, nothing really happens except a gradual rise to them being together at the end.  The end of the second act doesn't really carry any weight, because it's not like Heath has done anything too too awful, and Anna's not exactly heartbroken...(by the way, this has one of my favorite moments...when Liz asks, "What if you need to go to the bathroom?")it seems like there should be something more, so that when Heath shows up with the gun, everyone really cheers.  Something more than the threat of a lumberjack sock, I mean.  Like, what if Dennis actually KNEW Monkey Kung Fu, and kicked Heath's ass, and then Heath felt that he couldn't be with Anna if he couldn't even protect her, and told her so?  They could tearfully part ways, blah blah blah, Heath shows up with smoking gun hooray.

Actually, some of the problem I might be having might stem from the final conflict, too.  It's resolved too easily.  Anna sort of waffles around until Neville saves her.  Now, I appreciate the buildup of Neville being mistreated by Madge, and that he needs to do SOMEthing in the end (the Madge/Neville scenes are my least favorite, by the way...not sure why, exactly) to thwart her, but what about this.  What if he reveals Madge's secret, Madge runs, the police can't catch her, and then Anna shoots her in the rear with an arrow, saving the day?  Or maybe Madge manages to knock a policeman into the river, and he's drowning, but Anna dives in and saves him with the swimming skills Heath helped her obtain!  Anyway.  Just ideas, but I think that final scene needs more kick.  There're two scenes of buildup, and then it's so easy!  Oh also, just another thought that I had, but Madge being a famous criminal just sorta comes up at the end (which is funny in itself).  What if, when Anna, Delia, and Theo are watching TV at the beginning, they catch the tail end of a news report on some nefarious crime that in the end turns out to be Madge?  

I really like all the back-and-forths that various people have, but I think there might be a couple too many, and the place I'd cut them would be when Anna is involved.  I think when you start having your main character do things like that, it brings the audience out of the story a little...it's sorta moving towards Scary Movie style humor, where you use anything and anyone for a joke.  I think it makes the characters less easy to identify with, personally.

All in all, I really enjoyed this.  The 100-odd pages went really quickly and I could certainly imagine how all the jokes would be pulled off in real life.  I just think that you need to take the romance a little more seriously, to make us take the movie a little more seriously.  It seems like the first act keeps this firmly in mind, but as the story and situations get more and more zany, the characters are sort of lost as far as overall arcs go.  Now, that's not to say that we at any point lose track of the characters or what their objectives are...just that their objectives sort of go too easily to leave more room for jokes.

Thanks for the laughs, Breanne.

ADDENDUM:  Your comments on Mike's "The Hero of Her Heart"...I feel roughly the same about this script.  Perhaps you put it better than I.  If that helps.  

Hi Heretic,

Well, I can’t argue with any of your criticisms.

The only thing I can say is that when I wrote this, my intention was to write an irreverent comedy, not a romantic comedy. I know it looks on the surface like a romantic comedy. It’s got the word ‘singles’ in the title and it says right there in the logline that she’s looking for romance. But I honestly wanted to do something very different.

In large part, I hate romantic comedies. Let me explain: I love the endings to romantic comedies. I love many of the scenes to romantic comedies. I love to cry at the end. I love to cry at a movie in general!

Here is what I hate:

They’re just too d*mn predictable. I know the ending before it hardly begins. They all use the same general formula. Boy and girl both are perfect for each other except, for some reason, they make stupid choices (or are subject to circumstances) that keep them apart, or from meeting. They wrangle around the obvious for an hour and a half of contrived situations, get together, break apart because of at least one of the character’s stupid decision making. And then at the end the “lost one” has to make the “difficult” choice as to whether to go back to the miserable existence he had prior to meeting this unbelievably perfect woman for him, or make the necessary change that will bring him perpetual bliss.

Okay, I’ll admit that I love that cr*p. I just can’t bear knowing everything that’s going to happen. I hate that with movies in general. And being a writer only makes it worse. I know everything that’s going to happen in d*mn near every movie I watch. Only people like David Lynch are able to show me something that’s not too obvious and his movies are only able to do it because he breaks down storytelling conventions.

So, when I wrote this, I just wanted to make people laugh -- a lot--hopefully. I was trying something different. I was trying to mix silliness from a movie like, say, Caddyshack, with rom-com offshoot characters you could give a cr*p about. I failed in that aspect.

I was going more for catchphrases and memorable gags than I was “Sleepless in Seattle.”

You’re absolutely right, though, that the characters don’t really endear themselves. It looks like I succeeded at what I set out to do in large part, but that what I set out to do wasn’t such a great idea -- haha!

I’ll work on it. I’m going to have to meditate on it a while, though, and see which would be the best, most inspired way of going about it. I don’t want to turn it into a conventional rom-com. I want to keep it irreverent. Hmm. How to balance?

Thanks, Heretic.


Brea

Hmmm...

What if the romance story wasn't quite so closely tied to the general three act structure of the film?  I mean, if you don't want conventional rom-com, why play up the romance even as much as it is?  

Perhaps your writing is just too good for your own good.  What if you monkey with the structure of the romantic subplot a bit so it doesn't follow the standard?  Because it's irreverent, I think you can get away with that a bit...maybe do something a little more interesting.  If we like the characters a little more otherwise, then I don't think that the romance would be as important.  I'm pretty sure you could get away with throwing a few curveballs with the romance story, structurally speaking.  Actually, --

Wait a second!  Something just popped into my head, sorry.  What if Heath had a really intense fetish for sex in the bathroom?  That could work out into being a really funny situation...

-- back on the air.  Actually, now that I think about it, if you're going irreverent -- and this stems a little from the above idea -- why don't you just make the romance a little more odd altogether?  Maybe it wouldn't come off as being such a classic rom com if there was a little more com in the rom.  The romance scenes are all played pretty straight...the first time they kiss is joke joke joke joke serious moment kiss, then there's the classic montage of romantic scenes, and the scene where they both tell their friends that they're in love...what if you tried to fit the conventional romance into much more zany situations?

I dunno.  Maybe I'll be back with some more concrete ideas, but I hope that somewhere around you can muddle out of this post what I'm trying to say.  

And please do tell me if you can't!

Chris