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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Singles Camp Moderators: bert
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  Author    Singles Camp  (currently 12262 views)
Don
Posted: August 14th, 2005, 10:08am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Singles Camp by Breanne Mattson - Comedy - Singles Camp follows the misadventures of Anna Lee Utah, a Kentucky girl who goes to the title place in pursuit of romance after losing her factory job. There she encounters wild animals, poachers, illegal loggers and a bizarre cult. It’s a comedy that’s way better than being gagged with a lumberjack sock. 103 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  June 27th, 2011, 11:13am
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Balt
Posted: November 13th, 2005, 9:45am Report to Moderator
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Alright, glad you told me about this one... You're so varied in your work. I write, basically, one thing "HORROR" in some form or another... it's horror. You can call it Si-fi, thriller, slasher, whatever... It's still horror.

You, however, have tapped into the vein of multiple genre's and not just delved into them but came out on the winning end of everything you've touched. I really love your writing. It's so vivid and alive. It's very descriptive. Wes, Bert, R.E. FREAK and a few others all have this down too. I, sadly, do not. I'm much much much more basic when I write.

Alright, then/than ~ Here we...

1st off... this was a very offbeat comedy at times. It deals with some issues that "you're right" a lot of people don't like to talk about or hear about... However, you made this work early on and you kept that up thru the whole piece "by and large" I was laughing at the dryness of it and the cut throat nature of it more often than not.

I loved the scene towards the first when the Manager says "They are NOT closing the Plant" then... we go to the next scene "They're closing the plant"

I love that kinda comedy. It's quick. It's in your face. It's something you react to and not necessarily have to delve into too deep.  

Anna Lee Utah is such a memorable name. I often have trouble, when reading a lot of peoples scripts, with remembering names. I chalk this up to several things

1- The screenplay isn't entertaining
2- The screenplay sucks
3- The names of the characters are boring and uninspired
4- The characters all react and talk the same
5- I never really wanted to read the screenplay to begin with

So it was great to see names like an Anna Lee and a Delia and a Theo. It made me say "hey, I'll remember those names and their mannerisms better now. "Theo will always be embedded into my brain from millions of hours worth of Cosby show's in syndication and now reruns.

This reminded me of a few films for some reason... maybe cause Anna lee was such a real character... she wasn't flashy or high class. She worked & lived factory life for 9 years... that says something about her character.

The first movie it drew conclusion too and not because of the plot of anything just the vibe and feeling "only this was a comedy and this movie is not"

~ The night the lights went out in Georgia. For some reason I got that feeling sometimes. ~ Strange, I know.
~ Bastard out of Carolina... again, I believe your lead character makes her so much more realistic...
~ A coal miners daughter... Now, if you like any of these movies... we'll have to talk. LOL!

I kidd... I do... They were all good movies, just not comedies and I'm sure you're wonderin' why I compared them too. LOL!  Again I just want to stress it was only for the strong lead female. She reminded me of the leads in those films.

I think the camp, although well placed at around page 30 probably... I believe it should've came sooner. I don't know, though, cause the page numbers aren't intact here. I loved the name, though. It was soo funny. "CAMP GEORGE CLEARY" too funny... even if you don't want it to be, I'm still laughing about it.

The Time Zone conversation is classic!

The Bear Scene was another good one, deeper into the story... however. It showed another side to Anna. Like she's done the hard factory work and such all her life... but never lost her edge of integrity when it came to hunting or something as trivial as such. It was a good scene. You don't see a lot of comedies with character strengthening in the front and center position.

You are a great pop culture reference guide. I'm just lucky I was able to pick up and understand most of them. HEATH and the Billy Jack thing was funny as all hell... You just don't know how funny it really is to me.

"DICK FLAP" ... I'm sorry but I don't need to say anything more here. You are tops in my book, Brea... You rock on!

The stand off at the end reminds me of that wicked mad crazy story about the Asian guy who went deer hunting and shot those 7 armed deer hunters in like MI last year. They were all armed too. Very bizarre. Not that it had or played out like that... just the "LET's Rush him" got me goin on the think track.

Another great pop culture set up with the whole Lone Ranger, Zorror decoder ring thing made the closing story that much more fearing to end. I actually didn't want it to end.

In the end, I believe you ended it rather clever... you opened up with that kind of humor and you just went all out there with comedy and then brought it back to point A again... logical and fantastic. The whole bathroom stall/impersonator thing was a great hook to leave the story.

Well... Brea, you write great. You know this, though... I won't say it again. I hate giving complements, as you know ... but, like your first two scripts Meta-tron and Kill the person next to you, this one sits high on my list of favorites from the site... Not that that means much, but hey.. if you can reach just one person, they say.

Good for a laugh here everyone. It's a well thought out comedy with few dry parts in any of it... if any at all. I really mean this. As for another comedy there is another one on this site involving a summer camp, but I can't think of it. It's hilarious... I'll find out and let ya know if you'd be interesting in reading it.

Balt~







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Breanne Mattson
Posted: November 13th, 2005, 3:20pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Balt,

First off, thank you for raising this one from the dead. And thank you kindly for your compliments.

Every script I have posted here has been revised since being put here. If I post every revision, though, Don would go nuts and kill me.

Hey, there’s an idea for a script. Don goes crazy from all the rewrites and picks us all off one by one.

I’ve debated about getting her to the camp faster. It shouldn’t be too awful hard to find something to cut.

Yes, there are a lot of pop culture references that may be lost on some of the younger readers. I don’t think too many will be lost on a true movie buff, though. Billy Jack was the most successful independent film of all time and, aside from James Bond, it was one of the first movies to feature a white man doing martial arts.

Also, I’m a superhero fan. I liken cultural infatuation with Superman to that of, say, Hercules. I think they all come from the same place; the desire to rise above circumstance, to become empowered.

Darn, you didn’t comment on Zeke Rockefeller. I’m having the hardest time convincing people that’s funny. Maybe I’m wrong. What do you expect from someone who thinks socks are funny?

Brea

P.S. Your opinion means a great deal to me.


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Shelton
Posted: January 24th, 2006, 4:55pm Report to Moderator
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Brea,

This was a fantastic, funny funny, read.  It literally flew by, and was quite enjoyable.  A few notes:



SPOILERS


The opening dialogue between Anna Lee and her Supervisor, and then the follow up in the bathroom were excellent, and made for a great hook.  The line where the Supervisor's says something about a "spritz in his underwear" had me rolling.

Madge's intro and rant. "I'm going to punch you in the vagina".  Again, just rolling.

The whole angle with handicapped impersonators worked well throughout the script, and was able to establish Madge as more of a villian.  Some people may take offense to what Anna Lee did when she came out of the bathroom, but not me.  I was laughing the entire time.

Production Operator.  Nothing to say her really.  I just read it and realized that that's my wife's job title, although she's more of a project manager than a factory worker.

Liz and Anna Lee in the bathroom - "Territorial Pissing".  C'mon, not all men are dogs.

The random pop ups of Billy Jack with Eagle Beak (who was a hilarious character) and Heath and Dennis' fight.  That whole sequence was hilarious, and was really topped off with the inspiration of each style (David Lee Roth, Steven Seagal, etc.)

I think you really ended this one nicely, and the whole cast of characters blended really well together, including the mythies, who had their own special place in all of this as well.

If I really had to be nitpicky about anything here, I would say that the production notes and ANGLE ON's weren't needed, but they didn't do much to distract me anyway.


END SPOILERS


Like I said above, this was just a great script, and I was laughing all the way through.  If anyone is looking for a good comedy read, I would highly suggest this.  It's definitely worth the time.




Shelton's IMDb Profile

"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: January 24th, 2006, 9:28pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Mike,

Once again, someone has pulled this up from the bottom of the river. Thank you so much.


Quoted from Shelton
Liz and Anna Lee in the bathroom - "Territorial Pissing".  C'mon, not all men are dogs.


Sorry about that. Didn’t mean to stereotype. Men are certainly not all dogs. (In fact, they have some pretty good points, too. ) You guys sure are hard to understand, though. Much more mysterious than you get credit for these days.


Quoted from Shelton
The random pop ups of Billy Jack with Eagle Beak (who was a hilarious character)...


Interesting side note: the Eagle Beak character’s bitterness was inspired by a real life dispute between the state of Kentucky and the Cherokee nation. The state says the land was bought and paid for and the Cherokee say it was stolen. To this day, a large number of whites in Kentucky still believe the land was sold voluntarily though there is no record of the transaction.


Quoted from Shelton
If I really had to be nitpicky about anything here, I would say that the production notes and ANGLE ON's weren't needed, but they didn't do much to distract me anyway.


I especially apologize for the direction. I had originally intended to produce this myself. I thought I had resubmitted a draft without these. Sorry for that.

Mike, thank you so much for taking the time. I’m trying to make rounds and read stuff but here lately, I’ve only been able to read shorts. I promise I’m going to tear into some feature lengths as soon as possible and yours are already on my desktop.

Thanks again,

Breanne


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Martin
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Quoted from Breanne Mattson
Don would go nuts and kill me. Hey, there�s an idea for a script. Don goes crazy... and picks us all off one by one.


Hmmmm... interesting.

Just so you know, I started reading this Brea.

The whole handicapped episode had me in stitches. I'll get back to you with some comments in the next couple of days.

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Gaara
Posted: January 26th, 2006, 8:58am Report to Moderator
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This was great. I actually laughed more at this then I have at quite a lot of recent comedy films. If this was ever filmed I would definately go and see it. Perhaps even by the special edition DVD


check out episodes 1 - 3 of Mister D.
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Breanne Mattson
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Wow. Thanks for the kind words, Wolfsfang. You’re one. Now, if I can just get a few million more people like you….

Seriously, I really, truly appreciate it.

Breanne


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James McClung
Posted: January 26th, 2006, 10:55pm Report to Moderator
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Comedy, eh? After reading your last three scripts, I didn't think you as someone who'd be interested in comedy. But then again it's good to versitile.

I'll be sure to read this at some point this weekend.


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James McClung
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Okay, I'm done.

I liked this a lot. I thought it was a very original, quirky comedy.

A couple things about the plot:

1. After the snake incident, Anna Lee mentions that her years of inactivity saved her life. Hasn't she just spent years doing labor at a factory?

2. I think Madge's role should be expanded to add more conflic to the story. The script's already quite long as is so I guess you could shorten or cut scenes you don't think are important. That's just my opinion though. If you think it's fine the way it is, cool. No need to change anything.

3. The end was funny and the twist was good but I think the conflict was resolved a bit too quickly. I expected it to be a bigger deal that Anna was supposedly impersonating a handicapped person and that something would happen between her and Heath. Perhaps instead of Heath discovering the sign was buried, they scene could carry on until Alice said that it wasn't a handicapped space.

All in all, the story's in good shape and the characters were quirky and fitting to the plot but likeable. Most of the problems I found involved the format. There were way too many camera directions, production notes, and underlines. Some of them were neccesary (the cuts on page 29 and the montages) but I'd say definitely drop the underlines as they were pretty distracting.

Other than that, very funny stuff. The insults were creative and taken really far at times, which is good. It's important to push the envelope. My favorite scene was the one with the poaches and loggers. It was like Deliverance with jokes.

Good job! Perhaps I should think twice before using a handicapped stall next time .


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Breanne Mattson
Posted: January 28th, 2006, 6:50pm Report to Moderator
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James,

I apologize for the camera direction. To be honest, I’m not sure what happened. I thought I had resubmitted a different version. In fact, I thought I’d replaced all rtf versions of all my feature lengths. I’ll fix it and put up a version without the direction. Sorry. That’s become annoying to me as well the more I get used to seeing scripts without it.

In fact, I’m not so sure I would even write a shooting script if I was going to make a movie anymore. I think I would just put direction with the story boards and make a separate scene by scene account while leaving the script alone.

1) Yeah, she worked a hard job but that doesn’t necessarily make one in good shape. There are plenty of factory workers with what I think were called “jelly-like innards” if I remember correctly.

2) Oh, I’m sure there are plenty of things that can be changed, cut, added, etc. I was afraid of over-Madging it but I see your point.

3) I originally conceived of this to just be ridiculous and fun. I wanted characters people could care about without taking too serious. I didn’t really think of the ending as a twist. It just sort of happened that way on its own. I actually wrote this from start to finish without a treatment or anything. I sat down one day and just started writing. Just to see where the characters would go on their own. I didn’t stop until it was through. Then I set about shaping and molding it into a cohesive story.

Thanks for your compliments and suggestions. I’ll use them and hopefully tighten it up.

Breanne


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Breanne Mattson
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Looking back over this, I’ve found a lot of problems with the formatting. I’m not really sure what happened or why but I’m working on it so if anyone was thinking about reading this, please hold off for a bit. I’m planning on posting a reformatted version that will be much more pleasing to the eye. I apologize for the error.

Breanne


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Martin
Posted: January 31st, 2006, 3:36pm Report to Moderator
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Brea,

I read this the other night but never got around to commenting. I didn't make any notes so this review will be pretty general. Since you have a later draft of this I won't mention the production notes. However, I did notice that your dialogue runs quite far to the right which probably means the script will be a tad longer when it's reformatted.

Overall, I got plenty of laughs out of this. I love dry, irreverent humour so this is my kind of comedy. You really crammed in a lot of jokes too. I read somewhere that comedy scripts should have a laugh on every page and I think you've achieved that.

Again, I'm impressed with your character development, especially the way you set up the protagonist in the first act. By the time Ann-Lee arrived at the camp, I was already rooting for her. You give her a great introduction that sets the tone for the rest of the script (not that you rely on toilet humour )

If you're making cuts, I'd say get her to the camp a little quicker. The first act isn't exactly slow but I felt you possibly spent a little too long with Theo and Delia. I think there's room to trim a couple of pages off the first act.

Running gags are essential in this type of comedy and you do a great job with yours. Ann-Lee's problem with toilets is one example, but I think the best example is the 'unicorns and rainbows' line. It offsets some of the darker humour and really defines Ann-Lee's character. She's looking for a fairy tale and, in the end, she gets one. I'm not a big fan of rom-coms and this aint your typical rom-com, but little things like that will appeal to your audience.

I love the introductions at the camp. The jokes are so dry and I was cracking up, especially the 'mallet operator' joke.

Sadly, I've never seen Billy Jack so those jokes were lost on me. You have quite a few references in there so it might be best to lose one or two otherwise you alienate a decent chunk of the audience.

In the end, I was hoping Madge would play a bigger part. The pay-off is excellent but I was hoping for more conflict in the lead up to that moment. Personally, I thought the part with the hunters and loggers, although funny, sidetracked from the central conflict with Madge. I'm sure there's more potential comedy with Madge since she makes a great villain.  

Overall, another impressive piece of work. I laughed a lot when I read this and even a few times afterwards just thinking about it. Great stuff.



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Breanne Mattson
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Hey, thanks for reading.

Yeah, I’m having to do more retooling than I thought. It would be longer with the reformatting but I see quite a bit of room for cuts. In fact, after the reviews, I’m thinking this is perhaps simply too early of a draft.

It was never really intended to be a masterpiece. It was meant to be what you described; an irreverent comedy. Your points are well taken and I sure appreciate you and the other reviewers pointing them out to me.

I’ve basically adopted the philosophy that if something is questionable, it’s got to go. So I’m going to slash this one. Any more length, I think, would be worse than the cuts, even if I cut some of the good stuff.

Billy Jack was hugely popular in America throughout the seventies as was quite a bit of Native American things. Long before Rambo, Billy Jack was a karate wielding green beret and Indian half-breed who stomped the crap out of racists and bigots. And he was like insanely good looking. In real life, Tom Laughlin (the actor who portrayed him) is a Jungian genius so I’ve always been fascinated with him. The movies really weren’t very good but they had great fight scenes and the name Billy Jack was synonymous with badass up until around the time Rambo took the torch.

Again, thank you for the read and the suggestions. I’ll use them for sure.


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Martin
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I'll have to look up Billy Jack. In all honesty I'd never even heard of it until I read this. Maybe it was never big this side of the pond.

By the way, do you have a revised draft of Metatron you can send me. I want to read it but I remember it was something like 150 pages. Did you ever get around to the rewrite? I'll read it either way. I found the script but I can't find the discussion board for it. What genre is it?
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greg
Posted: February 18th, 2006, 8:08pm Report to Moderator
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Let me start by saying that I am not a fan of romantic comedies.  Never have been, probably never will be.  So going into this I didn't know what to expect since the other things I've read from you have been dark dramatic pieces.  But hey, this is Breanne Holifield here, anything can happen, right?

I didn't take notes as I read, but I'll try to recap on the pros and cons.  First, Anna Lee Utah, what a heck of a gal!  Her character was fantastically molded out.  She's the clumsy beauty who always gets into trouble and has a serious bathroom problem.  You usually look at supporting characters in three different views.  1)Enjoyable, distinctive, etc. 2)Moderate, all aspects kind of cancel out so they're just there. 3)They suck.  For the most part, everyone involved was either a 1 or a 2.

Heath--good guy, low key.  Had some very fun lines especially in his sqabbles with Dennis.  Speaking of which, Dennis wasn't your ordinary playboy, sexist jerk.  He showed some elements of those things, but as a whole he had a goofiness to him.  Youd did a fantastic job of writing his part.  Everytime he came up in a scene I was looking forward to the exchanges between him and Heath.  In all honesty, I couldn't tell the difference between Nancy, Frye, John, and Preston, but I guess that's because they're kind of the second class of supporting characters, so it didn't do much damage to the story.

I actually think there are singles camps, aren't there?  I'm pretty sure.  It's a good concept to toy with.  I think I would have liked to see a little more of the mythies or maybe some more in-depth detail of them.  You got across the point that they're a bunch of stoner dorks dressed in goofy costumes, but there could have been more.  Maybe when Heath rescues Anna Lee from the loggers/poachers, they come out dressed in Lord of the Rings costumes or something.  I don't know.  That's just me I guess.

I also loved the whole backstory with the handicap impersonators.  That opening sequence in the bathroom had me cracking up!  And then Anna Lee comes out acting retarded?  That kind of shtuff is hilarious!  As Balt said, the names were also unique.  Anna Lee Utah, Heath, Madge, Dennis, Liz.  Some are more uncommon than others, but they're not the everyday names like Kate and Mike(no offense Shelton), that you hear every second.  

The dialogue was top notch.  Some of the namecalling and insults got me to laugh out loud, and it's amazing how you didn't run out!  Fart face, meat packer, "we were here first, termite!"  There was one insult from Heath to Dennis, I can't remember where it was(agh, now I wish I took notes!), it was something like "I'll stick my hand down your throat and curl up your ass" or something of that sort.  It sounded brutal, yet hilarious at the same time.

The very ending.  It ended on the line that we heard earlier, but this is a romantic comedy and it would probably be more appropriate to end it with a kiss.  Thankfully, this story was filled with shtuff that folks who don't especially like romanti comedies, will love.  

Overall I enjoyed this story very much!  Funny, touching, an overall refreshment in a way.  Now I can see that you're not only talented in the dark dramatic genre, but also with comedies.  Mighty impressive!  Now I'm more eager to read Metatron and see your take on science fiction, which I have added to my to-do list.


Be excellent to each other

Revision History (1 edits)
greg  -  February 18th, 2006, 11:10pm
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Breanne Mattson
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Hi Greg,

Thanks for the read/review!

I have no idea if there’s any such thing as a real singles camp. I just made it up. I think I heard something about it being real but that was after I wrote this.

Yeah, some of the more distant supporting characters were sacrificed in order to develop the main characters more. I was afraid, given the premise, that there was too much potential for too many characters so I sort of chiseled it down to a small group.

The Mythies are entirely fictional, based loosely on Dungeons & Dragons sorts. Originally, there was a scene at their camp/labyrinth where they had “battles” and then later a scene where there was a sect that worshipped Diana/Anna Lee and had built a makeshift statue of her, but those scenes were agonizingly cut for brevity.

The name Anna Lee is actually the name of a distant relative. I wanted her to have a genial Southern name that was simple yet distinct. She’s a recurring character for me. I get names from various sources, baby books, etc. Sometimes even the phone book. I’m always on the lookout for a good distinct and believable name. Contrived names are obvious so I avoid them at all costs.

I can’t really explain where all the put downs come from -- haha. I can only say two things in regards to that. Number one, the guys put down fights are based on actual men as I have observed them when they’re behaving…I think the word is macho. I’ve always found it sort of cute even though it’s usually way over the top. I wanted to capture the cuteness of it by making light of it. And Number two, I just have to be original. I just can’t recycle old material. I have to create my own. That’s just me. So I drudged up every put down I could think of. Surprisingly, they just started to flow, seemingly endlessly -- haha. What does that say about me? -- haha.

Nobody caught the “we got a runner!” line which is an homage to “Logan’s Run,” one of my favorite sci-fi stories. I have little homage’s to sci-fi in a lot of my scripts. Metatron has an homage to George Lucas in it. They’re so subtle, though, that no one ever notices. Also, I think you’ll find my idea of sci-fi to be deviant from the average as well.

Greg, thanks for the read. I’m glad you got a laugh out of it. Dark stuff tends to be dark and mysterious but in some ways, comedy is more putting yourself out there than any other genre. The genre deserves more respect than it gets. Thank you.

Brea


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tomson
Posted: March 20th, 2006, 12:16am Report to Moderator
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Now, this was FUNNY!

Breanne, I can tell you that you are now 6 people closer (tell you more later on) to finding your 5 million people that like this script. We had a full house here this weekend so I didn't get any writing done, but we hung out in the backyard a lot so I did do a lot of reading.

I started out by reading "Better Days, episode 3", that cracked me up pretty good so I decided to read something else of Wesley's and read "In Don we trust". That was even funnier! Since I was already in a laughing mood I decided to read this one rather than Devil in D minor.

This one I was laughing so hard at times that I had to put the laptop down from my stomach because I was actually worried it might get damaged by being violently shaken around. People were wondering what I was laughing at and demanded to know.

I handed the pc over to my husband who's a very funny person and does brilliant southern accents, since you're from the south you know that there are many different variations of it. He can do all of them, from upper class, old money to in-bred, grit, never been outside of Andersonville. I'm telling you, with him reading this aloud in different voices this was like party atmosphere, better than most "stand up comedy". The only thing missing was a keg of beer. We got cramps! (he did tone down some of the language, not that they haven't heard any of it before, but some things you just don't want to hear from your parents).

SPOILERS:

Anna Lee got my sympathy immediately, from the working conditions to the supervisor to her personal dilemma, not to mention the jerk co-worker.

The whole bathroom scene was funny. I think most women can relate, and it is that nasty too which is why I always try to use the handicapped ones. They're usually cleaner (I think from now on I will always think of this script when I have to use one though).

What a time for a darn fire. Ha ha.

Delia and Theo was probably the only part that was a little weaker than the rest of the script. However, I really appreciated them after the first Madge encounter, I really needed to catch my breath and rub my watering eyes.

That bathroom scene with Madge, well, I don't think it could've been any funnier. I wish I've had a camera rolling when he was doing Anna Lee's handicap impersonator, I would've sent you a copy. It was about as funny as things get. I know it wasn't quite kosher to make fun of people like that, but that aside, it was absolutely hilarious. I'm laughing now just thinking about it.

I can relate to Anna Lee's entrance to the Resource Center, been in that situation many times. You're out of place, immediately not fitting in, everyone staring.

The time zone thing was funny!
I once took a rich lady horse shopping in Europe and she actually asked me if the sun still comes up in the east, she said since we were in a different hemisphere she wasn't sure!

You had about 40 people at this camp, I'm glad you chose to use only a handful of them. The number was just right, any more and I think it would've been confusing. The characters are great and the verbal sparring is nothing less than brilliant, really nice!

I know this Dennis character. I've known plenty of people like him. Does everyone hate lawyers?

You did great with having everyone having interesting careers and Anna Lee feeling that she doesn't measure up. I can relate to that.

I liked how Anna Lee decides to make things up and becomes a "mallet operator". Sick, but funny!

I like this Heath guy. I think he's my type.

I like how you differentiate between the women and the men talking about the other gender. It's really about the same thing, but the women are not as coarse or frank as the men, but it's still the same.

                          DENNIS
               Like in the old days when men were men and women were thoroughly
               subjugated. And the men would go off to war, but the dandelions would stay              
               behind and sew tent curtains.

Funny, but I really dislike Dennis now. (I played June Cleaver for 18 years, kicked her out last August)

This next part in the Gent's, what can I say, another laugh attack!

I think I'm going on too long here, so I'm just going to say, this was EXCELLENT. If you want the rest I'd be glad to send it to you.

I hope you get your own production company underway and produce this. I know I can fill some theater seats here in Florida and quite a few in Atlanta as well.

PS: This whole thing is just too funny, Madge the ultimate handicap impersonator, brilliant!

I think after this weekend, I'm convinced that "shorts" are easy to read and comment on, but reading what the writers here have spent some REAL time on is much more rewarding and worthy of respect.
(unfortunately I've written another short myself, but in the future I will try to stick to serious work.

Hope others will read this as well.
















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Breanne Mattson
Posted: March 20th, 2006, 5:21pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Tomson,

Hey, great. I’m glad you enjoyed it. I bet your husband was a blast to watch. I would have liked to have seen that as well, except for one thing; I can hardly bear to see my work acted out -- haha.

I had a director send me a test shot of a scene from a (different) script I wrote. He did an amazing job. The set looked good and the actors were really good. He has some experience with music videos and he’s an amazing editor. But I was just wincing the whole time -- haha. It wasn’t because he did a bad job. He did an amazing job. I was just going nuts watching my own writing acted out. I don’t know why but I understand completely when actors, writers, etc., say they can’t watch their own work.

Yeah, I had considered producing this one myself. That’s why the original had camera direction in it. It’s been shopped to Hollywood agents but none have seemed that interested in it -- maybe if one would actually read it, that would help -- haha.

I just don’t have access to enough quality actors, actresses, and crew to really pull off a film the way I want it done. Or, to put it more accurately, I don’t have enough money to gain access to those resources.

I set about to produce “Metatron” on my own once. I drew up a budget proposal and everything. I was actually looking at hiring a production service in Canada to help refine the budget, hire the crew, cast, do the editing, even do the CGI (most of which would have been done post-production anyway), but the logistics just never came together. In fact, at one time, I had considered building my own soundstage. But I fell onto financial hard times and lost my home and property. There’s always something -- haha.

I’m not a failure for lack of trying, that’s for sure.

Anyway, thanks so much for the read and review. This one keeps getting pulled back up just as it’s about to fade into obscurity for some reason. It seems to be a fighter of sorts.

Sure, send me the rest. I love feedback, especially if it’s positive.

Thanks Tomson. I’m glad ya’ll enjoyed it.  

Brea


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Kevan
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What the Hell are “Butt guards”? I thought they were called “toilet seats..” This is a new one on me.. Lol..

Haha “punch you in the v*****” – very funny, laughed my ass off!

“Anna Lee exits, walking with a bizarre limp, acting retarded. Her hair is messed up and she has a stupefied look on her face.”

haha, wet myself reading this..


Haha, laughed when the characters introduced themselves at the camp - the bit where HEATH and DENIS exchange dislike for each other right off the bat is shear genius..

Loved the women chatting in regular female chat in their room and cutting to the guys with HEATH and DENIS continue to square off at each other.. The sexist remarks are hilarious and are very good observations.. You’re good at this Breanne.. Too good for my liking..

“territorial pissing” – ha!

Haha, women imitating men pissing – laughed my ass off!

LIZ
Wow. You really do have bad luck with
bathrooms.

Fantastic transition to the next scene.. Knocked me out that!

“I see unicorns and rainbows”. – I love the way this is woven into the script, an excellent example of continuity and re-occurring thread of a character’s personality..

This is an amazing screenplay Breanne, I can’t fault your story-telling and your dialogue, it really is very, very funny.. Sure it’s got some formatting problems but to be honest I disregarded any negative aspects and just concentrated on your clever story, characters, the funny situations and funny dialogue..

I can see this being produced into a movie, I can..

I’ll never use a Disabled Toilet ever again – lol…

This script reminded me of a British writer/director called Mike Leigh who wrote a BBC Play For The Day called NUTS IN MAY which was based with nutty characters in a camping site but obviously the story is very different. Just some of the gags like this play really appeals to my sense of humor

You should be very proud of this SINGELS CAMP, it’s right on the money.. The timing of the jokes and gags are really well written..

Well done..

Kev
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: March 21st, 2006, 12:08am Report to Moderator
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Butt guards are a slang reference to the onion paper disposable seat covers for toilets. Guys probably don’t use them very often but I don’t see how womankind ever made it without them - haha.

The handicapped material really is meant with the utmost respect to the handicapped. My experience with handicapped people is that they would prefer to be treated the same as anyone else. I thought it would be great to treat them with a sort of high respect at the same time they were treated with the same irreverent comedy as everyone else in the script by targeting their…“specially modified bathroom facilities” or their “large and luxurious bathroom stalls.”

I think someone brought up once before somewhere about my observational skills with men. Believe me, Kevan, it’s a lot of work. If I want to be a good writer, I have to do research. That means, in order to write male characters, I’m required to do a lot of “man watching.” Yes, it’s a real chore. I have to spend many hours just watching their muscles flexing while doing physical labor -- oh, the horror of it. Or watching a handsome man tower like a demigod as he takes charge of a situation - oh, the tedium. It’s work, I tell you.

Thanks for your read/review. I’m glad you liked it. I very much enjoy British humor. I used to sit up in the wee hours and watch “Monty Python” on the Public channel when I was a kid. I didn’t get a lot of it at the time but I loved the zaniness. I’ll never forget the “Ministry of Silly Walks” -- haha.

Thanks Kev.


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George Willson
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Breanne, this was a thoroughly enjoyable read. Can't really comment that much on it beyond praising the various little ingenious scenes. Got a big kick out of Eagle-Beak and his constant insistance that the white man rewrote histroy. I could completely see someone being that way. Loved the conversation between Anna Lee and Mom about the super-heroes.

The only thing I thought went weird was the bit at the end with the handicapped sign. I can't put my finger on it, but it just feels like it resolved too easily. Being the wrap up for that last sub-plot, I feel like it should be more difficult to get out of it, even though it's obvious what went on. I want to say it's because Heath bailed Anna Lee out of the situation instead of her resolving it on her own. There has to be a way for her to be her own hero and just be backed up by everyone else instead of her being the victim and being saved by everyone else. Maybe that's what it is. If the sign were recently dug, she should be able to just walk over and yank it out. That will reveal the charade, and everyone else can jump in and agree. My thought on that alone.

Everything worked real well for me.


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Kevan
Posted: March 21st, 2006, 5:19pm Report to Moderator
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Breanne

Actually, George has a good point here, I noticed it when George highlighted this..

You'll need to have Anna Lee turn the final showdown around which then implicates Madge.. Then the cops chase after here and we have resolve..

As the situation is comedic it still works just re-working the ending so Anna Lee can be seen as a hero who wins her own battle..

You screenplay would then conform to the Hero's Journey model and Anna Lee can move on with her life, her prize for going on her quest, well, the prize is Heath of course and the possibility of a better life away from working in that darn factory.. That's her boon..

Cool...

Do it...

Or you'll get smacked legs..

OK?

Hehe..
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Breanne Mattson
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George (and Kevan),

You make a very valid point. I didn’t write this with a lot of structure. I just sat down one day with the premise and started writing. Two or three days later, I had a first draft and then came the tinkering.

You’re absolutely right. Thanks. Whenever I get back to a point where I can concentrate on my own writing, I’m going through this and fix the format and story problems. I’ve learned a lot since I originally wrote this and then, of course, I’ve received a lot of great advice from posters to use to improve this a great deal.

Thanks guys,

Breanne


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CindyLKeller
Posted: March 22nd, 2006, 12:34pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Brea,
I'm glad I got to read this one. You had me laughing out loud with your one liners.

I know a couple like Delia and Theo. I loved how she reminded him that he was not single, and not to turn it around on her. Loved it!

That darned supervisor. I wanted to smack him. I would have liked to seen him have trouble with the bathroom in some way or another.

I've worked in a few different factories over the years so I can relate to Floyd when he says they've been complaining for years about that electrical panel, and then the manager tries to put it back on the workers by saying it could have been an operator error.

Loved the bathroom scenes. Anna Lee limping with her hair messed up, making Madge out to be the bad woman. Anna Lee and Liz in the men's bathroom... A piece of art! I laughed my butt off...

I liked the patch idea. I liked the whole camp idea for adults and all the interesting situations that came about. Very funny, Breanne! A very enjoyable read that I, too, would go to see at a theater.

Cindy  

  


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: March 23rd, 2006, 1:17am Report to Moderator
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Hey Cindy,

Thanks for the read/review. I’m glad you got some laughs out of it. I’ll do my best to bring about its being produced but, well, you know how that goes…

There’s a little bit of some real person in every character I write.

I downloaded one of your scripts to read but doggone if you didn’t put a new one up before I could even read the old one. I’m working on a project that appears will never end but when it does…I’m terribly far behind on reads but I’m committed to catching up.

Again, thank you for the encouragement.



For the ones who don’t know who Billy Jack is, here’s a pic. It took a little finagling because it was fractured, apparently to keep people like me from copying it.



I hope it doesn’t make Mr. Laughlin mad because he can still kick my butt, even in his now advanced years. He’s like 70 now but he’s still good looking. Unfortunately, he’s a little outside my age range. *Darn, if he was just 20 years younger…


*Note - I’m not fifty, just old enough to date someone who is -- haha.


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CindyLKeller
Posted: March 23rd, 2006, 7:09am Report to Moderator
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Hey Brea,
I'm really far behind on reading, too, so don't feel bad. There doesn't seem to be enough time in the day anymore.
I really did enjoy this one.
Everything new that's been coming out of Hollywood has been about the same. That's why I don't go to the movies, but maybe once or twice a year. If someone out there was smart, they would go ahead with this one. It was a lot of fun, and very different.


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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Heretic
Posted: May 14th, 2006, 4:31pm Report to Moderator
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Hum.  I really liked this, for the most part.  Lots of brilliant one-liners, and some great situational stuff as well.  Eagle-Beak was my personal favorite.  

But I think it was all a bit TOO irreverent.  We have a bunch of fun, sure, but I don't think the stakes are ever high enough to really invest in the characters...so, even though people will be laughing all the way through, they won't say "Awww" at the end and hold their significant other's hand when Heath and Anna kiss.  

Heath and Anna have this mutual attraction right off the top, of course.  But then, nothing really happens except a gradual rise to them being together at the end.  The end of the second act doesn't really carry any weight, because it's not like Heath has done anything too too awful, and Anna's not exactly heartbroken...(by the way, this has one of my favorite moments...when Liz asks, "What if you need to go to the bathroom?")it seems like there should be something more, so that when Heath shows up with the gun, everyone really cheers.  Something more than the threat of a lumberjack sock, I mean.  Like, what if Dennis actually KNEW Monkey Kung Fu, and kicked Heath's ass, and then Heath felt that he couldn't be with Anna if he couldn't even protect her, and told her so?  They could tearfully part ways, blah blah blah, Heath shows up with smoking gun hooray.

Actually, some of the problem I might be having might stem from the final conflict, too.  It's resolved too easily.  Anna sort of waffles around until Neville saves her.  Now, I appreciate the buildup of Neville being mistreated by Madge, and that he needs to do SOMEthing in the end (the Madge/Neville scenes are my least favorite, by the way...not sure why, exactly) to thwart her, but what about this.  What if he reveals Madge's secret, Madge runs, the police can't catch her, and then Anna shoots her in the rear with an arrow, saving the day?  Or maybe Madge manages to knock a policeman into the river, and he's drowning, but Anna dives in and saves him with the swimming skills Heath helped her obtain!  Anyway.  Just ideas, but I think that final scene needs more kick.  There're two scenes of buildup, and then it's so easy!  Oh also, just another thought that I had, but Madge being a famous criminal just sorta comes up at the end (which is funny in itself).  What if, when Anna, Delia, and Theo are watching TV at the beginning, they catch the tail end of a news report on some nefarious crime that in the end turns out to be Madge?  

I really like all the back-and-forths that various people have, but I think there might be a couple too many, and the place I'd cut them would be when Anna is involved.  I think when you start having your main character do things like that, it brings the audience out of the story a little...it's sorta moving towards Scary Movie style humor, where you use anything and anyone for a joke.  I think it makes the characters less easy to identify with, personally.

All in all, I really enjoyed this.  The 100-odd pages went really quickly and I could certainly imagine how all the jokes would be pulled off in real life.  I just think that you need to take the romance a little more seriously, to make us take the movie a little more seriously.  It seems like the first act keeps this firmly in mind, but as the story and situations get more and more zany, the characters are sort of lost as far as overall arcs go.  Now, that's not to say that we at any point lose track of the characters or what their objectives are...just that their objectives sort of go too easily to leave more room for jokes.

Thanks for the laughs, Breanne.

ADDENDUM:  Your comments on Mike's "The Hero of Her Heart"...I feel roughly the same about this script.  Perhaps you put it better than I.  If that helps.  

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Heretic  -  May 14th, 2006, 5:30pm
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: May 15th, 2006, 12:39pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Heretic,

Well, I can’t argue with any of your criticisms.

The only thing I can say is that when I wrote this, my intention was to write an irreverent comedy, not a romantic comedy. I know it looks on the surface like a romantic comedy. It’s got the word ‘singles’ in the title and it says right there in the logline that she’s looking for romance. But I honestly wanted to do something very different.

In large part, I hate romantic comedies. Let me explain: I love the endings to romantic comedies. I love many of the scenes to romantic comedies. I love to cry at the end. I love to cry at a movie in general!

Here is what I hate:

They’re just too d*mn predictable. I know the ending before it hardly begins. They all use the same general formula. Boy and girl both are perfect for each other except, for some reason, they make stupid choices (or are subject to circumstances) that keep them apart, or from meeting. They wrangle around the obvious for an hour and a half of contrived situations, get together, break apart because of at least one of the character’s stupid decision making. And then at the end the “lost one” has to make the “difficult” choice as to whether to go back to the miserable existence he had prior to meeting this unbelievably perfect woman for him, or make the necessary change that will bring him perpetual bliss.

Okay, I’ll admit that I love that cr*p. I just can’t bear knowing everything that’s going to happen. I hate that with movies in general. And being a writer only makes it worse. I know everything that’s going to happen in d*mn near every movie I watch. Only people like David Lynch are able to show me something that’s not too obvious and his movies are only able to do it because he breaks down storytelling conventions.

So, when I wrote this, I just wanted to make people laugh -- a lot--hopefully. I was trying something different. I was trying to mix silliness from a movie like, say, Caddyshack, with rom-com offshoot characters you could give a cr*p about. I failed in that aspect.

I was going more for catchphrases and memorable gags than I was “Sleepless in Seattle.”

You’re absolutely right, though, that the characters don’t really endear themselves. It looks like I succeeded at what I set out to do in large part, but that what I set out to do wasn’t such a great idea -- haha!

I’ll work on it. I’m going to have to meditate on it a while, though, and see which would be the best, most inspired way of going about it. I don’t want to turn it into a conventional rom-com. I want to keep it irreverent. Hmm. How to balance?

Thanks, Heretic.


Brea



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Heretic
Posted: May 18th, 2006, 7:54pm Report to Moderator
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Hmmm...

What if the romance story wasn't quite so closely tied to the general three act structure of the film?  I mean, if you don't want conventional rom-com, why play up the romance even as much as it is?  

Perhaps your writing is just too good for your own good.  What if you monkey with the structure of the romantic subplot a bit so it doesn't follow the standard?  Because it's irreverent, I think you can get away with that a bit...maybe do something a little more interesting.  If we like the characters a little more otherwise, then I don't think that the romance would be as important.  I'm pretty sure you could get away with throwing a few curveballs with the romance story, structurally speaking.  Actually, --

Wait a second!  Something just popped into my head, sorry.  What if Heath had a really intense fetish for sex in the bathroom?  That could work out into being a really funny situation...

-- back on the air.  Actually, now that I think about it, if you're going irreverent -- and this stems a little from the above idea -- why don't you just make the romance a little more odd altogether?  Maybe it wouldn't come off as being such a classic rom com if there was a little more com in the rom.  The romance scenes are all played pretty straight...the first time they kiss is joke joke joke joke serious moment kiss, then there's the classic montage of romantic scenes, and the scene where they both tell their friends that they're in love...what if you tried to fit the conventional romance into much more zany situations?

I dunno.  Maybe I'll be back with some more concrete ideas, but I hope that somewhere around you can muddle out of this post what I'm trying to say.  

And please do tell me if you can't!

Chris
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Breanne Mattson
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Hey Heretic,

Well, in your first post, you’re absolutely right about Anna Lee’s inciting incident with Heath at the end of act II. 100%. No question about it. It’s a terribly weak point in the story. And one that’s always kind of bugged me. And you were right about pretty much everything else too, the more I think about it.

I’ve been milling some offshoots of conventional storytelling in my head that I think I can use in the rewrite.

As far as your second post, eeehh, I don’t really like the Heath/Bathroom fetish idea all that much -- a little too extreme. I don’t think Anna Lee would go for that.

I’m working on a new script right now. And it’s proving to require much more research than anything I’ve written prior so it’s taking me quite a bit of time just to get to a flow-point with it. When it’s reached a put-down point of completion, I plan on making the rewrite for this top priority.

I’m going to use all the suggestions here on this thread in conjunction with some fresh new ideas I have and hopefully produce the best darn comedy ever written…okay - a good solid comedy.

Thanks Heretic for the suggestions.



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Heretic
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Quoted from Breanne Mattson
As far as your second post, eeehh, I don’t really like the Heath/Bathroom fetish idea all that much -- a little too extreme. I don’t think Anna Lee would go for that.


No, I agree.  It's a little extreme.  It's a lot extreme.  I don't mean, it ever actually happening...I just mean, it's a funny conflict, if Anna Lee always has terrible luck in bathrooms...because it would never work out like either of them wanted it to.  I suppose I meant it as an example of making an ordinary rom-com situation a little more irreverent.

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dmackbone21
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Brea,
I'm sorry, but this comedy just didn't do it for me. Out of the first 20 pages, there are 2 seperate bathroom scenes. Think of a movie that has 1, and I think there's a reason for that. The dialogue and plot just didn't hook me, I'm sorry to be so negative, but I'm just expressing my opinions.

Doug
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Breanne Mattson
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Quoted from dmackbone21
I'm sorry, but this comedy just didn't do it for me…The dialogue and plot just didn't hook me, I'm sorry to be so negative, but I'm just expressing my opinions.


Hey Doug, It’s okay. No need to apologize. You like what you like and don’t what you don’t. One negative review out of so many positive ones is not so bad. Every movie has detractors.


Quoted from dmackbone21
…bathroom scenes…Think of a movie that has 1, and I think there's a reason for that.


Something About Mary is one movie with a prominent bathroom scene. There are quite a few actually. I don’t think those scenes were actually necessary except for two reasons: to be funny and to show characteristics of the characters. Those are the same reasons I use so I’m not sure why I would be singled out for this but you have your rights.

The bathroom scenes are a recurring theme in the story because virtually every comedy worth its salt has at least one recurring theme. This one has a character who has something bad happen every time she goes to the bathroom. It also has other recurring themes.

I should point out to anyone reading this that though there are bathroom scenes, the humor is not toilet humor. It’s very clean humor to be taking place in a bathroom.

For anyone interested, I submitted a revision to this days ago in which the format and some of the plot problems are fixed.

Thanks for taking the time to read twenty pages. Can’t ask for more than that to hook someone.

Brea



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Breanne Mattson
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For those interested:

A new version has been posted. Thanks Don.

The format issues have been resolved. I also adapted it to my newer style. I no longer notate beats and I only use wrylies if absolutely necessary, for example to specify an addressed character in a scene involving several characters for clarity sake. I no longer use any wrylies that direct actors. All these devices have been stripped from this script. And any main participles have been adjusted to present tense verbs. The description has also been condensed.

This script was written at a time when my technical skills had not advanced to the (what I believe to be) professional caliber I now exhibit. That has been remedied.

I also made some cuts and some additions. I made the cuts mostly to make room for the additions. Anna Lee is now proactive in the resolution and the “break” between Anna Lee and Heath is now the result of manipulation at the hand of Madge. The classic scenes are pretty much still intact.

I would like to humbly thank everyone who took the time to read and comment.



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surferchicky92
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I have to say this was pretty enjoyable. I like the idea of a "singles camp". Some of the lines were kind of weird, like "I'm going to punch you in the vagina". Just keep working on it, and it'll get better.

Alanah
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Breanne Mattson
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Quoted from surferchicky92
I have to say this was pretty enjoyable. I like the idea of a "singles camp". Some of the lines were kind of weird, like "I'm going to punch you in the vagina". Just keep working on it, and it'll get better.

Alanah


Thanks for reading, Alanah. You didn’t like the line, “I’m going to punch you in the vagina?” -- haha! I should have used the word, “vulva.” That would probably be better. A lot of people just say “vagina” generically, which is how I meant it. But yeah, if you think about it literally, I see your point.



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greg
Posted: July 23rd, 2006, 8:23pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Breanne Mattson


You didn’t like the line, “I’m going to punch you in the vagina?” -- haha! I should have used the word, “vulva.” That would probably be better. A lot of people just say “vagina” generically, which is how I meant it. But yeah, if you think about it literally, I see your point.



No, the "punch you in the vagina" line is awesome!  Only the dorks from my stories would use the "vulva" line  


Be excellent to each other

Revision History (1 edits)
greg  -  July 24th, 2006, 3:10pm
removed "dude" address since Breanne doesn't like being called "dude"
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Breanne Mattson
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Quoted from greg


...the "punch you in the vagina" line is awesome!  Only the dorks from my stories would use the "vulva" line  


Hey Greg, thanks! This just goes to show, one person likes one thing and someone else doesn’t. Vulva does sound rather scientific, doesn’t it? Sort of like, “I’m going to strike you harshly in the labia majora.” -- haha! Besides, if I use vulva, some people will probably ask, “She’s going to punch her car?”




Revision History (1 edits)
Breanne Mattson  -  July 24th, 2006, 2:05pm
Removed dude address - don’t like being called dude.
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Steve-Dave
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Vagina's funnier than vulva. Go ahead, say the word vagina and not laugh, I dare ya.

Anyways, I really liked this script. A few flaws, and a couple references were lost on me, but I thought it was really funny.

However, I think it would be funnier if Anna Lee caused the burning of her work in some way, maybe by going to the bathroom instead of working.

I also think that her "need" for a relationship isn't emphasized enough. The tie in between losing her job, and then deciding to go to singles camp just wasn't a proper transition to me. I think it would make more sense if she had a boyfriend who broke up with her or something along those lines, rather then just mentioning it in conversation.

And I thought the mythies ruined a lot of the momentum of the scenes, like with the bear. To me they weren't really funny and could be wiped clean completely and the script would be better.

Other than that, I thought it was great though. Heath saying his name means wasteland was tremendously hilarious to me for some reason.

I also really liked the scene where everyone was introduced, very well constructed and funny. and Dennis' bickering with Heath is great too. "skull echoes coming out your cock slot?" Wow! How the hell'd you come up with that? lol. I liked a lot of the obscure insults you had. "purse strap" and "nut wrinkle" are some other great ones. The urinal scene was pretty funny too. I liked Eagle beak's character a lot as well. Good job on the script.


"Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd" - George Carlin
"I have to sign before you shoot me?" - Navin Johnson
"It'll take time to restore chaos" - George W. Bush
"Harry, I love you!" - Ben Affleck
"What are you looking at, sugar t*ts?" - The man without a face
"Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day must be put to death." - Exodus 31:15
"No one ever expects The Spanish Inquisition!" - The Spanish Inquisition
"Matt Damon" - Matt Damon
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: July 27th, 2006, 12:53pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Steven,

Thanks for reading. It’s funny you read this. I was reading The Skeptic. That’s uncanny. It’s slow going because I’m kind of swamped lately. So I’ve tried to squeeze in shorts just so I can participate at the boards.


Quoted from Steve-Dave
Vagina's funnier than vulva. Go ahead, say the word vagina and not laugh, I dare ya.


Vaginas are no laughing matter. Vaginas need to be taken seriously -- haha!


Quoted from Steve-Dave
I think it would be funnier if Anna Lee caused the burning of her work in some way, maybe by going to the bathroom instead of working.


I feel like this would be a serious mistake. I really think it would detract from her character. Part of her charm is her naiveté, which creates a certain “innocence” about her. If she burns down her workplace, she’ll be responsible for her own situation as well as causing the job loss of hundreds of other people. I’m afraid that would seriously reduce sympathy for her character.

I wanted her to be sort of a loveable loser who couldn’t get a break. Someone who is sort of abused. She struggles with work but she tries hard and people take advantage of her. If I make her someone who burns her place of employment down because she’s lazy, then I think that would just make her a person of low moral character. I really thought of her as a genuinely good person, albeit slightly dimwitted and somewhat misguided.


Quoted from Steve-Dave
I think it would make more sense if she had a boyfriend who broke up with her or something along those lines, rather then just mentioning it in conversation.


Good point. I had considered that. And it’s still a consideration. No one mentioned it before so I didn’t make too much of it. Until now.


Quoted from Steve-Dave
I thought the mythies ruined a lot of the momentum of the scenes, like with the bear. To me they weren't really funny and could be wiped clean completely and the script would be better.


Originally, their part was expanded. There was a scene showing inside their camp that was cut for brevity. Removing them would of course require the removal of other scenes (such as Anna Lee’s “Artemis” sequence which would negate the Native American clothing, etc.) It’ll take a little doing but it’s doable.

As far as the obscure insults, I just committed myself to writing all original stuff. I basically took every put down I’ve ever heard and made it off limits. Once the flow got going, it took over.

Thanks Steven. I’m working on The Skeptic.

Brea



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Steve-Dave
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Quoted from Breanne Mattson
Hey Steven,
Thanks for reading. It’s funny you read this. I was reading The Skeptic. That’s uncanny.


That's the second time that happened. I reviewed Bert's Farm while he was reading the Skeptic. Weird.


Quoted from Breanne Mattson
I feel like this would be a serious mistake. I really think it would detract from her character. Part of her charm is her naiveté, which creates a certain “innocence” about her. If she burns down her workplace, she’ll be responsible for her own situation as well as causing the job loss of hundreds of other people. I’m afraid that would seriously reduce sympathy for her character.

I wanted her to be sort of a loveable loser who couldn’t get a break. Someone who is sort of abused. She struggles with work but she tries hard and people take advantage of her. If I make her someone who burns her place of employment down because she’s lazy, then I think that would just make her a person of low moral character. I really thought of her as a genuinely good person, albeit slightly dimwitted and somewhat misguided.


Oh, I didn't mean SHE burns down her work. Sometimes I don't speakededed so goody.  I just meant in keeping with her bad luck, like she leaves her station unattended to go to the bathroom, and a fire starts by accident or something like that, without her knowing. I didn't mean she should start it though. Or even if Worm screwed something up while she was gone and blamed it on her leaving her station unattended or something along those lines.


"Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd" - George Carlin
"I have to sign before you shoot me?" - Navin Johnson
"It'll take time to restore chaos" - George W. Bush
"Harry, I love you!" - Ben Affleck
"What are you looking at, sugar t*ts?" - The man without a face
"Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day must be put to death." - Exodus 31:15
"No one ever expects The Spanish Inquisition!" - The Spanish Inquisition
"Matt Damon" - Matt Damon
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bert
Posted: July 27th, 2006, 2:34pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Steve-Dave
That's the second time that happened. I reviewed Bert's Farm while he was reading the Skeptic. Weird.


True story.  This guy is some kinda' freak or something.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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Steve-Dave
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Quoted from bert


True story.  This guy is some kinda' freak or something.


It's like I've got ESPN or something.


"Picture Porky Pig raping Elmer Fudd" - George Carlin
"I have to sign before you shoot me?" - Navin Johnson
"It'll take time to restore chaos" - George W. Bush
"Harry, I love you!" - Ben Affleck
"What are you looking at, sugar t*ts?" - The man without a face
"Whoever does any work on the Sabbath day must be put to death." - Exodus 31:15
"No one ever expects The Spanish Inquisition!" - The Spanish Inquisition
"Matt Damon" - Matt Damon
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Inkatheart
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Brea u rock like Hell in Heaven on Earth. I could really post a whole bunch stuff about WHY it was good, but that's just repeating the masses so i'll just be another one of ur newly devoted fans and tell u that this is some damn good work. You took an overused storyline and plot and just made it ur own, it's inspiring, invigorating, and it's just damn fantastic fun on paper. The characters were airy and fluid and they didn't just stick to one role, like Heath. I was very impressed with what u did with him. His role should've been: "Sexy, love interest guy who doesn't talk much but loves the main character anyway." Instead, what you did was take that character and give him a comedic personality. Remaking tired classics into new age fun fests are my thing, and u my dear madame, win the prize.


"Life only has lemons if you're a diabetic"
                            - Imas Dooggha
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: August 7th, 2006, 2:04pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Ink,

I really appreciate your comments. I don’t really believe in “supporting” characters -- just characters who aren’t as much focused on, I guess. I try to give even minute characters some background.

Thanks Ink.

Brea



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Higgonaitor
Posted: September 17th, 2006, 3:26pm Report to Moderator
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Breanne,
Thought i'd take a look at your contribution to the comedy-land, and I enjoyed it.

A few things though, of course:

The ending with the hicks and the loggers was to desperate for a damsel in distress scene.  I was thinking of another way for you to have it that wouldn't involve adding four completely new characters, and I think I thought of a good one.  What if the mythies kidnap her, as an artemis impersonator?  One kind of recognizes her, and then realizes she's not a god.  I loved the Mythies, and would love to see more of them, and really think an idea on those lines would be agreat replacement for the lumberjack\hick scene.

Other than Heath Dennis, Anna Lee and nancy, the other singles kind of blend together.  Perhaps give the quirks stereotypical to their Jobs as a quick remedy, this could be extremely easy for John, but I'm not sure about the rest.

Anna Lee's name became kind of annoying as people kept saying it.  I would think that most people, when adressing her would shorten it to simply Anna.  But this isn't really all that important.

You made Heath just a little too annoyingly feminine in the guys cabin scenes.  I mean, i know you were going for sensitivity and such, but it was just a bit over IMO.  He was just completely gushing.

Other than that, I really enjoyed it.  Favorites of mine would be the super-hero convo with Anna's mom, Bad Bathroom luck, The Mythies (I would totally be at that camp- Big fan of Dionysus), and the fight scene.

Oh, on the fight secne though, people can't actually talk if their being choked, just FYI.

-Tyler


NEW!Everquenching Lemonade:Thirsty for a comedy short?
And the Rest!

Watch Squirt! (My web-series!)

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Higgonaitor  -  September 17th, 2006, 3:49pm
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wordartisan
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I really enjoyed reading this. Madge is a terrific villain.

I'd like to see more of the Mythies. You set up the big Diana thing but there doesn't seem to be a later payoff (either good, when they swarm to her rescue, or bad, when they join the loggers and hunters in her capture).

Neville's story arc seems a little unfinished. Perhaps more of him getting out from under Madge's thumb at the end.

Bear in mind, this is only my uninformed opinion, and is only two points in what was a fantastic read.


Tell me what you think of -
Slay and Rescue (adventure)
Great Day (short)
Airwaves (comedy, musical)
Battle of the Planets (adventure)
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: September 28th, 2006, 1:22pm Report to Moderator
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Higg, Wordartisan,

Thanks for reading. My apologies for taking so long to respond directly.


Quoted from Higgonaitor
I loved the Mythies, and would love to see more of them, and really think an idea on those lines would be agreat replacement for the lumberjack\hick scene.


The Mythies had a couple more scenes in the original but were cut for brevity. I’ve had mixed reactions to them. Some like them. Some don’t. Regarding hunters and lumberjacks, It just didn’t seem very Southern without them.

I agree with you that placing the Mythies in that scene would have been a good, economical way of giving them more story time.


Quoted from Higgonaitor

Other than Heath Dennis, Anna Lee and nancy, the other singles kind of blend together.


Yes, I agree. This is a story that requires quite a few supporting characters and I was trying to develop the minor characters as much as I could without sacrificing the major characters. That was my intention, anyway.


Quoted from Higgonaitor
Anna Lee's name became kind of annoying as people kept saying it.  I would think that most people, when adressing her would shorten it to simply Anna.


That’s a typical Southern thing. It’s not uncommon to find people known by their first and middle names. Anna Lee is named after a real person - my grandmother’s sister. It’s sort of a way of paying tribute.


Quoted from Higgonaitor
You made Heath just a little too annoyingly feminine in the guys cabin scenes.  I mean, i know you were going for sensitivity and such, but it was just a bit over IMO.  He was just completely gushing.


Really? I didn’t mean to. He’s in love. I’ve seen people in love behave in some pretty unusual ways and do and say some pretty silly things. That’s what I was trying to convey, albeit comedic and exaggerated.


Quoted from wordartisan
I'd like to see more of the Mythies. You set up the big Diana thing but there doesn't seem to be a later payoff (either good, when they swarm to her rescue, or bad, when they join the loggers and hunters in her capture).


There’s no good answer here. It had to be cut. Something had to go and the poor Mythies were the first choice. They made the least impact and affected the story directly the least of all the other characters. In the original script, there was a scene at their camp where they had “battles” using bicycles instead of horses but it was excised.

Higg made the same suggestion of placing the Mythies into the scene of Anna Lee’s rescue and I agree it’s a good idea.


Quoted from wordartisan
Neville's story arc seems a little unfinished. Perhaps more of him getting out from under Madge's thumb at the end.


Neville is another character who couldn’t be fully developed due to page constraints. It’s too late to do major rewrites of the script but I hold hope that if the film should be successful enough that a sequel should be in order, whoever writes it will definitely have directions and possibilities for this character.


Quoted from wordartisan
Bear in mind, this is only my uninformed opinion, and is only two points in what was a fantastic read.


I do disagree with you that your opinion is uninformed. This is a work of fiction and your opinion is as valid as any other. I would be a fool not to be concerned with the opinions of the very people I hope to have pay to see a film produced from one of my scripts. I appreciate every critique I get.

My main concern with regard to criticism is improving as a writer and producing not only the very best work I’m capable of but hopefully, one day, some of the best writing on Earth. At least that’s my goal. And I’ll take all the help I can get.


Higg, Wordartisan, thank you both for your views, opinions, and suggestions. I’ll use them to increase the value of my writing.


Brea



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coffee
Posted: October 17th, 2006, 1:33pm Report to Moderator
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Hey just wanted to say that I read your script last night. I loved the some of it, it's simply brilliant and classic stuff. The bathroom scenes, funny... The only one I didn't like was when the main character was at camp and with her friend going into the bathroom. I felt that it was too out of character of her to be scared in a childlike manner to go into the bathroom.

The whole walker stuff, boy was that golden. I still chuckle over that. Was the name Marge? can't remember for sure but I think her revenge should be revisitied to make it funnier or at least the way it was drawn out should be revisited. Also, alot of her response to her son could of been better, they just started feeling like real corny skipped record responses.

The whole scene where the lead enters the camp "main room" during the course introduction was so freaking funny, this is when I went from "this is a funny script" to "this is a freaking classic film!" ....... I could totally see a packed theatre laughing the whole scene through and I instantly wanted to film this.

Another of my favorites was the fight scene at the end between Heath and the other dude. I picture the other guy (was it Dennis?) as being Steve Carell from (The 40 Year Old Virgin). Really funny scene.

Anyway, I hope you take my words as constructive. I enjoyed this script alot and wouldn't of felt complete if I didn't let it out.

If you redraft this and make some changes please be sure to post it, I'm a fan now.
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dresseme
Posted: October 18th, 2006, 7:57am Report to Moderator
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Ok, I'm at the first plot point, and that's usually where I like to make my first comments, seeing as you should definetely have the reader's interest by now.

Right now I am interested, because of the potential this story has for comedy.  I think you've set up a really great story and I can't wait to see if it pays off.  A "Single's Camp" really does have the makings for a good comedy.  However, right now it's not really a comedy for me.  You have witty dialogue and everybody seems to have a snappy comeback for everything, but I haven't really laughed.  My filmmaker friend and I always have discussions about the art of comedy, and he actually believes comedies don't need to be funny to be good, but I'm a bit more critical.    I see there's stuff that could POTENTIALLY be funny (because it's a visual gag), but then again, it could fail.

My problem right now I guess is that I think you have a tendency to snowball your humor into the realm of unbelievability & I think you have the tendency to flog a dead horse as well.  For instance, I could usually see where most of your jokes were going....like the handicapped stall joke (mainly because I saw it on a Curb Your Enthusiasm episode).  And it just seems like you don't let up on your jokes and you are creating a lot of running gags, that for me, aren't working.  And I was left to wonder how on the news report (which will either be really funny or too much) how Anna's friends knew it was about her.  She wasn't mentioned in the ad, therefore it makes the line "I was framed?" a little weird.

Like I said, the story has a lot of potential right now, and I am very interested in where it's going.  But I'm also REALLY (possibly overally) critical of comedies, and as of right now, I don't find it very funny.  But I continue...
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dresseme
Posted: October 18th, 2006, 8:40am Report to Moderator
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I'm at p.63 and I'm going to stop here for a bit.

I'm going to be honest and say that I'm not really feeling your script right now.  You've done a really good job of developing your characters but so far you've put them in situations that just don't work for me in the realm of comedy.  And it was around the page where the men talk for the first time in the bunk that I realized the problem with the dialogue, and it's that it's too clunky and scripted and no one talks like that.  Which is bizarre because you tend to go from really well scripted dialogue to REALLY script dialogue featuring "witty" banter that no-one would ever say.  I cite for an example almost the entire argument between Dennis and Heath.  When I say it outloud to myself I could just never hear anyone actually saying that stuff.

I guess the jury is also out on how you're treating your comedy, as far as I'm concerned.  You go from absurdist comedy to light comedy in a matter of seconds.  Which is why I think the whole Madge scene could be brilliant if it were stuck in a comedy that matches how bizarre it really is.  But you tend to fluctaute the type of comedy you're doing and it becomes a little unsettling as I read on.

I really do like the characters though, and I can see you really are a good writer.  BUT this particular screenplay, in my opinion (and thus far) seems to thrust your great characters in situations that don't use them to their fullest capacity.  We'll see where this goes from here though.
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dresseme
Posted: October 23rd, 2006, 9:24am Report to Moderator
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Ok, finished.

Once again, I just wanted to say that you are a really good writer, and it's clear from this script that you have skill.  Having said that, I'm still sticking with my initial feelings in that I was disappointed with how this script turned out.  I'd really like to read some of your other stuff, but this particular script wasn't my cup of tea.  I'll list my critiques below:

I agree with the reviewer above who said the ending with the introduction of the loggers and the hunters was too much.  This goes back to earlier comments I made about unbelievability in your script.  I understand it's a comedy, but I can only take it when the writer goes to a certain point.  Another good example is the police officer's reactions at the end to hearing Anna is a handicapped impersonator.  It doesn't come off as funny, just unrealistic.

Also, your revelation that Madge isn't handicapped negates your entire story.  Why in the world would someone who isn't handicapped spend that much time on someone else, like Anna?  It makes no sense.  Even if she "doesn't like to see people happy", for such a small incident, that makes no sense.  You should change that.

The fight scene didn't really work for me, and it's possibly because it's been done so many times before in comedies.  You have the suave hero-esque guy fighting the jackass who pretends to know kung-fu.  And what happens?  The jackass guy gets his ass kicked, because he's a jackass.  It's been done a lot before, and it wasn't really any different here.

I didn't like how you brought The Mythies back just kind of like "Oh, here they are again.  Remember them?"  It seemed like you were going somewhere else with them and that they would have played a bigger part in the ending.

It was weird reading your script because, like I said, I really did like the characters.  They were very well written.  It's just the situations that you put them in bothered me and sometimes either went too far (in the realm of comedy) or just didn't make sense.  Apologies if this review is too harsh, but like I said at the very beginning, I'm overly critical of comedies.
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: October 23rd, 2006, 2:47pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Dresseme,

Thanks for the review. You have nothing to apologize for. You have a right to your opinion. As long as it’s respectfully expressed, I have no problem with it whatsoever. I appreciate your comments. I’m thankful for all feedback I receive. I’ll take all the help I can get to become a better writer.

It’s too late for me to use your criticisms for improvement on this particular script. It’s already been optioned. In fact, shooting starts next month. I do have to say that I hope you’re the minority opinion, though. Some people are spending a lot of money on this project. I will definitely keep your suggestions in mind when working on future projects.

As far as a response to your criticisms, I basically believe in taking my lumps, so to speak. So I won’t argue. I’ll just point out a couple of things.

One, I don’t entirely agree with you about realism in a comedy. I think it’s okay for a comedy to be unrealistic. In fact, I can’t really name a lot of comedies that didn’t stretch believability at several points.

And two, aside from Madge being unrealistic, she’s also a hypocrite, which I actually find to be a common trait among people. People often condemn others for something they themselves do, but simply see themselves as different. If you pointed out Madge’s hypocrisy to her, she would probably defend herself by claiming she has some sort of ailment or injury that qualified her for handicapped status. It was mentioned that she was involved in a work injury suit.

But your points are well taken. Thank you for reading and I do appreciate your comments. I don’t expect (and neither should any other writer) that no one will find my work deficient in any way. I’m satisfied that you gave the script a fair review and I’m sorry that you didn’t enjoy it. And, as I said, your comments will be put to use in future works.

Brea




Revision History (1 edits)
Breanne Mattson  -  October 26th, 2006, 2:02pm
dresseme, not dressme - sorry
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Alex J. Cooper
Posted: January 31st, 2007, 9:42pm Report to Moderator
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Second stop on my tour of recommended scripts. I'm happy to say I enjoyed this. Some jokes didn't work for me, but the majority did. The dialogue is very funny. Did you make up the line, "...Tripping over the Holy Grail while picking up one million dollars" ? Because it's genius!

I had the feeling that Anna Lee was Diabetic with all the toilet trips she takes.

Concerning her bad luck, it was hard to feel sorry for her because she pretty much impersonated a handicapped person. I know she stuck in a awkward situation, but surely she could've just tried to escape some other way? Like climbing under to another stall, then flushing that toilet, making it look as if she had come from that one. Madge gets suspicious and bashes down the toilet door to reveal it empty... but that kinda ruins the whole purpose of Madges hunt.

And on the subject of Madge. Her motives seemes a little out of wack. First you think she's Handicapped and just defended her people, then you find out she's a well known con artist. Why bring that much attention to yourself?

One thing that bored me was the girls conversations. Pages 52 to 55 was the worst of it. That's the kind of banter i try to zone out. So i don't know whether to congradulate your or condemn you for capturing such a thing.

I never knew moccasins were Native American Attire, I love moccasins! Eagle-Beak was a funny character. Very funny.

I'm not that up-to-date on Marijuana history. Is that speech Neville give true?

"NANCY
Would you darn his socks?
She looks around and shrugs, stunned by her own words.
NANCY
What does that mean?"

I know what it means, thank you Eleanor Rigby.

That was a very enjoyable read and a great story! Goodstuff.


Shorts:
I Named Him Thor
Footloose, Cut Loose
Tainted Milk
Marshmallows
Confucius & The Quest For Nessie
Wondrous Presentation
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: February 1st, 2007, 2:11am Report to Moderator
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Hey Alex,

Thanks for reading. And thanks for the comments and suggestions.

Yeah, I know what you mean about the impersonating a handicapped person thing. I have to say, though, I’ve had the pleasure of seeing various actors performing that scene and it was hilarious. There are people who feel uncomfortable with it but it really wasn’t meant as any disrespect. Quite the opposite. My intention was to treat the handicapped the same way as everyone else. The majority have taken it the intended way. Even the uncomfortable people aren’t totally against it - just a little conflicted. If it ever makes it to theaters and handicapped people picket the theater, I guess I’ll have to make a public apology.


Quoted from Alex J. Cooper
Did you make up the line, "...Tripping over the Holy Grail while picking up one million dollars" ? Because it's genius!


Yes. Thank you.


Quoted from Alex J. Cooper
One thing that bored me was the girls conversations.


Sorry. When I hear guys talking and it puts me off, I just try and look at it as a learning experience -- haha. Sorry. That’s the best I can come up with -- haha.


Quoted from Alex J. Cooper
I'm not that up-to-date on Marijuana history. Is that speech Neville give true?


It’s true that until the thirties when there was a “marijuana scare,” most Americans didn’t much care one way or the other about it. It was grown freely until the congressional act in 1937 and it does actually have almost limitless uses. Other than that, it’s a fictional rant based on some real life rants from some marijuana proponents. I would imagine there’s some truth to it and some exaggeration.

Thanks for reading and commenting.

Brea



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Ayham
Posted: March 20th, 2007, 1:19am Report to Moderator
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This was really funny!

I don't know what else to say...Very easy read. It's the type of comedy that the Farrelly brothers would write (Something about Mary)... Same type of light-hearted comedy. And this author has some fantastic touches here and there that made this script a very pleasant read.

Did you invent the name-calling throughout? Double-dick. Dick-flap  haha

I cracked up when Madge told her son that a "Bumbling idiot is your natural state"

You invented some very funny, well defined characters. They all fit nicely with each other and help move the plot forward at an easy, well structured pace.

One thing though, the fighting scene between Heath and Dennis, even though very funny, was too long, almost 5 minutes.

This will make a very funny movie oneday I hope.

Nothing to add. Good job.
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Rumdizzle
Posted: March 22nd, 2007, 2:23pm Report to Moderator
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Very funny, nice and sweet comedy. Refreshing in a way, considering some of the things that are saturating the market. I'm really glad madge got hers in the end.
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: April 16th, 2007, 6:20pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Ayham,

Thanks for reading. I apologize for taking so long to respond. The computer network at work crashed. Since I do a great deal of work at home and my home computer is connected to my work network, my home computer crashed as well. It’s a mess and I haven’t had any free computer time for quite a while.


Quoted from Ayham
Did you invent the name-calling throughout?


Yes. I made most of it up. I was just trying to be original.


Quoted from Ayham
One thing though, the fighting scene between Heath and Dennis, even though very funny, was too long, almost 5 minutes.


I agree it’s probably too wordy. Something I’ve noticed about my writing is that my spacing tends to make the page count higher than the actual time. I recently watched a film made from one of my scripts and my 85 page script translated to a little over an hour. It’s something I’ve got to work on. People always tell me my scripts read fast.


Quoted from Ayham
This will make a very funny movie oneday I hope.


Me too. It was supposed to go into production late last year in Seattle but winter weather came early and postponed production. You can’t film a summer camp with snow on the ground – haha. It’s supposed to go into production this year sometime but some of the original cast will be changed due to scheduling conflicts.

Again, thanks for reading.




Quoted from Rumdizzle
Very funny, nice and sweet comedy. Refreshing in a way, considering some of the things that are saturating the market. I'm really glad madge got hers in the end.


Thanks for reading Rumdizzle and thanks for the encouraging words.



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tweak
Posted: April 25th, 2007, 12:41am Report to Moderator
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One of the better starts of a screenplay I have read here recently.  The characterization of Alice is nicely done. But you start to lose me around page 36.

The comedy in the beginning is situational, and you pull it off very well.  The action sequences don't slow down my read of the script.  And the timing is nicely done.

But once you move away from situational humor, the humor just doesn't work.  The humor almost feels forced.

I get the impression that once the characters have arrived at the camp, there is no clear direction for how the characters come together.  I suggest tightening up the initial scenes at the camp.  That's where my read lost steam.  I want to finish reading the script, but you lose me when the introductions are dry.

tweak
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Breanne Mattson
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Thanks for offering your thoughts Tweak. I welcome all reviews, positive or negative. I don’t really see much difference in the writing between the first third and the remainder but sometimes others can see things in your work that you don’t see.

It’s difficult to write an exciting introduction scene with only a couple of characters but one with several supporting characters is particularly challenging. It must be a pretty bad scene, however, to cause you to stop reading altogether.

I don’t believe in arguing with someone’s criticism - unless it’s deliberately vindictive. I believe in taking my lumps and trying to use whatever criticism to help me improve as a writer. I believe your criticisms are fair and intended constructively. So I thank you for your comments on what you read and I’ll try and do better.

Thank you,


Breanne




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Electric Dreamer
Posted: July 13th, 2011, 10:33am Report to Moderator
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Hey Breanne!

Congrats on being the Screenplay of the Month!

July's almost half gone, so I thought I should get on the stick and read this one.
I'm going into this one, cold. Didn't even read the logline.

Thoughts as I go:

I like the glue factory, nice environment to open in.

p. 4 Co-Worker should have a name. They got three pages of dialogue.

p. 7 Your plant fire would play better with some foreshadowing.
Inter-cut that with your bathroom failure, could heighten the situation.

p. 8 I like the "we're closing the plant" cut to next scene.
Strong edits like that always keep me reading.

p. 11 The "it's just not in the cards" bit was nicely handled.

Overall, the dialogue feels pretty natural. Casual.
I think you could get to the plant being shut down sooner.
Feels like the bathroom sequence could benefit from some trims.

p. 14 Handicapped bathroom stall.
To me, this feels like a breaking point for Anna Lee.
I could see her breaking down and crying all over her lavatory antagonist.
I feel like we're due for that kind of moment.
Then, perhaps, she sees the singles camp flyer. My two cents.

p. 16 Do me unicorn style. Funny.

p. 20 I feel like we're missing a little more set up about the camp.
Perhaps a phone inquiry by Anna Lee, a hunky sounding counselor, etc.

p. 23 John Matthews speech is borderline absurdist humor.
I always use that stall cuz it's the only one that consistently has paper. =p
This has a pretty good white bread trailer trash corn fed vibe to it.

p. 27 Some clever dialogue during the intros, gallows humor is a good icebreaker.
Feels like a speech from the camp directors is absent here.
Give the reader a grasp of what actually goes on at the camp.
A pep rally speech, something would help foreshadow events.

p. 29 Sleeping quarters.
Feels like we need a line about how is someone supposed to get lucky in bunk beds.

p. 34 Again with the butt guards. Chuckles.

I'm stopping here for now, I'll pick it up tomorrow, as work allows.
This is a pretty breezy read, the languid pace suits the material, so far.
I feel like perhaps not quite enough has happened to fill 35 pages.

However, I"m not bored in the slightest.
To be continued.

Regards,
E.D.


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Revision History (1 edits)
Electric Dreamer  -  July 13th, 2011, 12:52pm
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Breanne Mattson
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Thanks for reading, ED.

I’ve gotten some responses privately about the script since it got SOTM. In fact, I still get emails occasionally from people who’ve read this script over the years. It’s been here since 2005. It suffers a little bit from that I think.


Quoted from Electric Dreamer
Co-Worker should have a name. They got three pages of dialogue.


I count less than two pages. She would be in the movie less than 2 minutes. Not sure that deserves a name.


Quoted from Electric Dreamer
Your plant fire would play better with some foreshadowing.
Inter-cut that with your bathroom failure, could heighten the situation.


I kind of like the idea of the fire coming out of left field. Plus we never actually see a fire, which is a lot cheaper than actually burning stuff.


Quoted from Electric Dreamer
I think you could get to the plant being shut down sooner.
Feels like the bathroom sequence could benefit from some trims.


Noted.


Quoted from Electric Dreamer
Handicapped bathroom stall.
To me, this feels like a breaking point for Anna Lee.
I could see her breaking down and crying all over her lavatory antagonist.
I feel like we're due for that kind of moment.
Then, perhaps, she sees the singles camp flyer. My two cents.


Hmm. Something to consider.


Quoted from Electric Dreamer
I feel like we're missing a little more set up about the camp.
Perhaps a phone inquiry by Anna Lee, a hunky sounding counselor, etc.


Hmm. Something else to consider.


Quoted from Electric Dreamer
John Matthews speech is borderline absurdist humor.


Borderline? Haha. I intended the whole script to be absurd. Even the parts that are relatively “normal” are laced with little absurdities. For example, John likening his work to that of an undercover cop and then the next person introducing herself as an undercover cop. That sort of thing goes on subtly all throughout. I love absurdist humor. I definitely wanted the whole thing to be sort of ridiculous. You should have read the logline haha.


Quoted from Electric Dreamer
Some clever dialogue during the intros, gallows humor is a good icebreaker.
Feels like a speech from the camp directors is absent here.
Give the reader a grasp of what actually goes on at the camp.
A pep rally speech, something would help foreshadow events.


Noted. Introducing a bunch of characters in this sort of story is tricky. I didn’t want to spend too much time on initial intros. I just wanted to give a taste and move on. I figured I had the whole second act for character development.


Quoted from Electric Dreamer
This is a pretty breezy read, the languid pace suits the material, so far.


Languid pace? Ouch. I know what you mean.


Quoted from Electric Dreamer
I feel like perhaps not quite enough has happened to fill 35 pages.


I agree that getting to the camp and introducing all the characters may take too long.

I really just wanted to write something I thought was fun. I don’t really know of another rom-com quite like this one. On one hand, it’s fun and light. It doesn’t rely on cheap laughs. On the other hand, it’s absurd without losing emotional resonance or becoming totally incomprehensible. At least, that was my goal. Sometimes, they work. Sometimes they don’t.

Thanks for taking the time to comment, ED.

And thanks to whomever nominated this for Script of the Month!


Breanne


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Electric Dreamer
Posted: July 14th, 2011, 9:55am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Breanne Mattson
Thanks for reading, ED.

Languid pace? Ouch. I know what you mean.

Breanne


I definitely meant the peaceful definition.
Not the lacking vitality definition. Yeeouch!
It has a homespun rocking chair on the porch quality.
And I like it. There, that's better.

E.D.



LATEST NEWS

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Electric Dreamer
Posted: July 14th, 2011, 11:00am Report to Moderator
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Hi Breanne,

I'm going through pages 35 - 70 this morning.
Let's see how those first act dilemmas develop.
And see what kind of sub plot camp shenanigans go on.

p. 39 Neville. Kooky character. I like him.
And the disgruntled biddie at date camp, that should be fun.

p. 47 Catty girls talking horseback riding.
Little surprised there's no riding side saddle or bareback joke here.
Seems the kind of comment these one track mind ladies would make.

p. 54 The bear and the mythies.
It's cute when they first see her, she's in Indian garb, good set up.
The socked thing is well, socked.
Is there a reason why Anna Lee is so good at archery? If so, I forgot it.

p. 55 Buck the one-eyed horse. Classy.
Never seen that in a movie or TV show, good on you.

p. 63ANNA LEE
I know but I keep doing and saying
stupid things.
LIZ
You’re just nervous, Anna Lee.
ANNA LEE
I don’t think so. I said and did
stupid things before we met.


I like the timing here, good cadence.
Though I must admit, it feels a little late in the movie for post first date jitters.
Took an hour to get Anna Lee and Heath alone together.
I'm just wondering now if Madge is Heath's mother or something.

Stopping at page 70 today, will conclude tomorrow.

I like the characters and the overall tone you are after.
Madge is a decent antag I"m sure that will develop in the third act.
I guess my biggest problem with the script is the title organization.
The Singles Camp doesn't feel any different than a Boy Scout camp.
It just seems like a standard summer camp with adult attendees.

That's ok to start, but I don't see anything new you're doing with that premise.
It's the title of your script, there's something about it that should stand out.
Why aren't we having a speed dating dinner or karaoke bar fun?
Top off the week with a Sadie Hawkins dance or something.
Foreshadow it earlier on, gives us something to look forward to at week's end.

I guess what I'm looking for is, what makes this camp a singles camp?
Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't like the script.
But, given that title, I was expecting more from the camp premise itself.
Does that make sense?

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: July 15th, 2011, 10:51am Report to Moderator
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Heya Breanne!

Let's wrap up your whacky romantic comedy today.
What will Madge do to foil Anna Lee's wedding dreams?
Is she really Heath's mother?!?!?
How much toilet humor will there be in the climax? Let's find out!

p. 76 The "betrayal" by Heath.
I like the effect the fake wife has on Anna Lee.
But Madge being the wife, doesn't work for me right now.
It's absurd enough to be in line with everything that's come before it.
But that absurdity feels out of place when real emotional pain comes from it.

p. 85 WTF kidnapping absurdness.
HEATH
First, I’ll shoot you. Then I’ll
take pictures of you in suggestive
positions and post them on the
internet.

Best line so far! Total trailer material.

p. 93 Suitably silly climax. Totally left fieldish in a fun way.
Waiting on that emotional romance to kick back in.

p. 96 I don't get Anna Lee's apology.
What did she do that came off as pushy? Weird line.

Pretty whacky ending there with Madge.
It had the laughs, could've used a little more heart though.

This is a good read with a lot of appreciate.
I wanted more romance and a tad more dilemma for the lovers.
The camp itself could use more "date centric" activities.

I think this could be a fine vehicle for a Reese Witherspoon or Kristen Wig.
Girl power comedies are hot right now, good time to recirculate this one around!

Best of luck!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Breanne Mattson
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Thanks for the comments, E.D.


Quoted from Electric Dreamer
Catty girls talking horseback riding.
Little surprised there's no riding side saddle or bareback joke here.
Seems the kind of comment these one track mind ladies would make.


Hmm. Didn’t think of that.


Quoted from Electric Dreamer
Is there a reason why Anna Lee is so good at archery? If so, I forgot it.


No reason. Just a naturally good shot who never realized it before because of a lack of confidence.


Quoted from Electric Dreamer
Buck the one-eyed horse. Classy.
Never seen that in a movie or TV show, good on you.


Buck is based on an actual horse. His real name wasn’t Buck and he didn’t wear an eye patch, though. That was my idea. But he was huge and powerful and really stepped on people’s feet. He was a big sweetheart, though.


Quoted from Electric Dreamer
I like the timing here, good cadence.
Though I must admit, it feels a little late in the movie for post first date jitters.
Took an hour to get Anna Lee and Heath alone together.


They have a short moment alone on page 40. They have several non-alone moments before that. I don’t think the average moviegoer would even notice. Movies create a time illusion. Not saying the criticism isn’t valid, just that I’m a little leery of these types of criticisms from writers.


Quoted from Electric Dreamer
I don't see anything new you're doing with that premise.
It's the title of your script, there's something about it that should stand out.
Why aren't we having a speed dating dinner or karaoke bar fun?
Top off the week with a Sadie Hawkins dance or something.
Foreshadow it earlier on, gives us something to look forward to at week's end.


Please, no speed dating or karaoke. Those things have been done to death. The Sadie Hawkins thing is a little less overdone. Might be doable. I’d rather have something outdoorsy than something that happens in the dating world all the time.

There’s never really been a movie about a summer camp for singles. In fact, when I wrote this, I couldn’t find any such camps anywhere, not even with an internet search. Since I wrote this, actual camps have sprung up.


Quoted from Electric Dreamer
The "betrayal" by Heath.
I like the effect the fake wife has on Anna Lee.
But Madge being the wife, doesn't work for me right now.
It's absurd enough to be in line with everything that's come before it.
But that absurdity feels out of place when real emotional pain comes from it.


Noted. I can see how a film that asks viewers to accept absurd humor can feel awkward when it tries to have a genuinely emotional moment.


Quoted from Electric Dreamer
I don't get Anna Lee's apology.
What did she do that came off as pushy? Weird line.


She’s just shy.


Quoted from Electric Dreamer
Pretty whacky ending there with Madge.
It had the laughs, could've used a little more heart though.


I admit that the stakes are perhaps not high enough. A lot of rom-coms have that issue. The worst case scenario is that a relationship doesn’t work.

It’s true that without a heavy emotional toll, a rom-com is pretty lame. I guess I wanted to write something that appealed to men as well as women. I didn’t want to just write a “chick flick.” I wanted to write a fun audience pleaser that could be easily produced.


Quoted from Electric Dreamer
The camp itself could use more "date centric" activities.


Noted.


Quoted from Electric Dreamer
I think this could be a fine vehicle for a Reese Witherspoon or Kristen Wig.
Girl power comedies are hot right now, good time to recirculate this one around!


I would be thrilled to have either one of those women star. And I don’t mind at all if anyone wants the script changed to reflect any of the points you’ve made. I’ll keep them in mind for when the next revision time comes around.

Thanks E.D. Lots of food for thought here.


Breanne


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pwhitcroft
Posted: July 18th, 2011, 10:28pm Report to Moderator
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Breanne,

I’ve listed my comments as I read this below. Often I’m more likely to note negatives than positives.

Title Page – The title works really well for me. I get an immediate sense of it being a fun adult comedy. I wonder if you need an apostrophe after Singles.

Pg 1 – You could consider ending the paragraph after “BAM! Powder bursts everywhere” to give it emphasis.

For me replacing “seems to have” with “has” is an example of a way this could be tightened up.

First page works pretty well, you’ve established a character and got us attached to her.

Pg 3 – The stuff about the bathroom is amusing but it risks alienating a section of the audience from your character.

Pg 5 – The toilet humor is amusing, although it’s not gonna be for everybody. I’m wondering if this sequence would play better if this was a character I already knew.

Pg 7 – “I almost died today... alone.” – It’s a dramatic line, but to me it doesn’t seem to fit with what happened.

Pg 8 – I like the dialogue transition at the top of the page, but typically I’d expect to see an action text to begin the scene.

“I’ve got three months to find another job.” – I get that she’s a softy of a character, but it runs the risk of her coming over as a loser who we don’t have much sympathy with.

Pg 11 – “like a ninja shuriken” – I like the idea of her having some special talent. I wonder if an earlier hint of it would make sense to beef up her character.

Pg 12 – Her seeing the flyer has an inciting incident feel about it. My initial thought is that perhaps the script has been treading water a little bit up to this point with the intention of hitting this mark.

Pg 15 – I like the sketch with Madge, although Anna Lee’s lie to get out of the situation might be a bit inconsistent with the character you’ve developed so far.

Pg 16 – “Is it your sense of humor that men love?” – I like her being more feisty. It makes me think you could consider making her start off more this way.

Pg 19 – “go out and get a boyfriend” – I know this is the point of the story but it’s feeling repetitive for me and since I know where she is going I’m feeling impatient for her to get on with it. For example I recently watched Stripes, and they get to the army pretty early in the story, this makes me think that by around page 10 or so she could be heading for the camp.

Pg 22 – “That’s with an “N,”” – I’m not sure I get what he’s saying here.

This is a really tough scene to write. A room full of new characters introducing themselves. You could consider having her meet some of them in the parking lot.

Pg 27 – The big intro scene worked out okay. You could look at how distinctive the voices of the various characters are.

Pg 34 – These scenes are amusing. They seem to be being quite childish at this point, but I’m guessing that’s deliberate.

Pg 37 – “I’m sorry but the sign fell off.” – If he knew that why would he come in?

Pg 41 – It seems at the moment that Heath and Anna Lee are destined to end up together. That’s fine but as things stand it seems too easy. They don’t appear to have any obstacles to them getting together.

Pg 47 – For me all the “you met up with him, you spent time with him” stuff feels forced given that this is an adult singles camp. If it was a kids or religious camp then it would work fine.

Pg 54 – I like the archery sequence.

Pg 56 – I’m enjoying the amusing tone and sketches within this. At this point I’m not entirely sure what is at stake in the story. Much of what you have here would play well in a movie that had some wider alternative A-story. The things you are working with appear in many movies, but they are not often the core plot line.

Pg 59 – “They kiss” – Given that her original issue was having no boyfriend I’m not sure what is left to resolve after this.

Pg 61 – “What if she doesn’t like me?” – For me the character of Heath has fluctuated between different personas, which might make sense in a romance. However this line makes him seem very soft.  

Pg 69 – I realize that Madge is closing in, but the last few pages have been happy and joyous for Anna Lee and the threat posed by Madge doesn’t seem substantial. Looking at the page count I’d be expecting Anna Lee’s situation to be deteriorating and her enemies to be getting their way at this point in the story.

Pg 76 – “now, Anna Lee” – That’s three consecutive dialogues where she has said Anna Lee’s name. I’ve noticed this is a few other places as well.

It’s good that things have gone negative.

Pg 79 – The fight scene is good comedy. I wonder if it could be a little less predictable? Also as it stands it feels like a side-track from the story because it doesn’t seem to have much to do with everything else that is happening.

Pg 81 – I like the fact that these dangerous characters have appeared and how they spice things up. I’d suggest seeing if there is a way to get them involved earlier on.

Pg 84 – “I say we let her go.” – I like Heath coming to the rescue, but the last we saw of him he was going to the office to sort out the wife thing.

Pg 85 – “rips his cap off” – Being picky, I’m not sure you could do this from distance with a shotgun without shooting the guy full of pellet holes.

Pg 88 – I like the idea of a big standoff. I’m having a little trouble picturing how the loggers will take things this seriously. Also because this has not been set up and seems to involve Anna Lee as a bystander I guess I’d suggest seeing if there is a different way to play it.

Pg 93 – I don’t recall her mother being in this before so that makes me wonder if she should talk to Delia.

Pg 94 – At this point I’m thinking that the big climax ended on page 92, so I’m surprised that it’s 11 more pages after that to get to the end.  

Pg 103 – A secondary ending to wrap the thing up, that’s what the pages are for. I guess I’m wondering if there is a way to get all three of the big endings together. One being the battle, the next being the Madge confrontation, and the third being the Anna Lee/Heath relationship. You could consider if there is some way to have a building finale that takes in all these things without stopping between them.


Overall the story is a lot of fun and has numerous great comedic scenes and recurring gags. It’s pretty contained and doesn’t require expensive effects so it’s a solid script for a lower budget production. You’ve got good twists and keep it moving along well.

The technique works fine for me. It could be tightened up a bit in places and the wording could be more dynamic. Some of the dialogue gets a bit on-the-nose and at times during the banter it felt like the voices could be more distinct from each other.

By way of suggestions on this, I’d suggest considering if there is a way to make the big picture story more compelling and clearer. At the moment it meanders a little in the middle and seems like it is looking for something to anchor it and give it momentum.

Also, for me you could cut this down by 10 pages or so and it would likely be a stronger story for it.  

Good luck with it.

Philip


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Breanne Mattson
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Hi Philip,

Thanks for reading and taking the time to comment. Lots of good suggestions. I agree with a lot of them and others are something to think about.

This script was written six years ago with a very low budget in mind. My skill has increased dramatically since then. It seems like once a script gets that old, it’s hard to revise up to your current standards.


Quoted from pwhitcroft
The title works really well for me. I get an immediate sense of it being a fun adult comedy. I wonder if you need an apostrophe after Singles.


I actually dealt with this issue before when I booked acts for a songwriters night. The word singles in this case is being used as an adjective describing what type of camp it is, not as a possessive.


Quoted from pwhitcroft
The stuff about the bathroom is amusing but it risks alienating a section of the audience from your character.


Yeah but it’ll be the stuffy section.


Quoted from pwhitcroft
“like a ninja shuriken” – I like the idea of her having some special talent. I wonder if an earlier hint of it would make sense to beef up her character.


This was foreshadowing her talent with a bow. Yeah, I know, they’re too different types of skills but people with great eye-hand coordination tend to be good at a lot of different things.


Quoted from pwhitcroft
I like the sketch with Madge, although Anna Lee’s lie to get out of the situation might be a bit inconsistent with the character you’ve developed so far.


You should have read the original scene ha ha. It was highly offensive.


Quoted from pwhitcroft
“That’s with an “N,”” – I’m not sure I get what he’s saying here.


With an “M” instead of an “N,” the station would be PMS.


Quoted from pwhitcroft
“I’m sorry but the sign fell off.” – If he knew that why would he come in?


Just because the sign fell off, he wouldn’t necessarily know someone was in there. It could have fallen off anytime.


Quoted from pwhitcroft
“I say we let her go.” – I like Heath coming to the rescue, but the last we saw of him he was going to the office to sort out the wife thing.


Yes but there was an emergency and the ladies went to get the guys.


Quoted from pwhitcroft
“rips his cap off” – Being picky, I’m not sure you could do this from distance with a shotgun without shooting the guy full of pellet holes.


Good point.

Anything I didn’t address directly is something I either totally agree with or I’ll take into consideration.

Thanks Philip.


Breanne


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