Quoted from c m hall Anther thing I found charming in Zombie Playground is the Rube Goldberg sort of quality in the vast number of characters and peculiar plot twists -- the improbable story moves along at an odd pace that is oddly fascinating.  Family ties, some unexpected, really do ground the  story, however, so no matter how complicated it gets, it's not just (purple) froth.

Hey Cathy!

I dig your Goldberg reference. A lot!
I did try to add a clockwork type of askew precision to the plot movement.
You have a very keen eye for the peculiar.
And yes, ultimately, this is a tale about family coming together, no doubt.
That's for such eloquent words of encouragement.

The director of Gremlins, Explorers and Small Soldiers is represented at the con.
You better believe I'll be in that queue to pitch ZP!

Regards,
E.D.

Actually, I meant the parents to Joan and Gil's kids. Their ex's.  

Don't be nervous about the pitch. I went to one in LA 2 years ago. It was major production companies, studios and Television companies. I was very nervous at first, but there was no need to. They where all super nice and easy going. The only thing is that they know exactly what they are looking for and they know if you have what they're looking for or not in less than one minute. I saw many people walk away from there depressed.  At that time, comedies were hot. Almost everyone that had a comedy script got read. I met some people there that I still keep contact with. They were all told that their scripts were great, but....could they turn it into a television script? A series? and so on. To this day they've spent countless hours rewriting like mad in the hope to sell their scripts, but nothing ever happened. It's a very tough business. Be strong and thick skinned and have fun....  I did!  

Best of luck, Brett!  Knock 'em dead, kid...knock 'em dead!!!!

Be yourself, be cool and confident, and you never know what will go down.

Keep us informed.  We're all rooting for you!!!!

Quoted from Grandma Bear Actually, I meant the parents to Joan and Gil's kids. Their ex's.   Don't be nervous about the pitch. I went to one in LA 2 years ago. It was major production companies, studios and Television companies. I was very nervous at first, but there was no need to. They where all super nice and easy going. The only thing is that they know exactly what they are looking for and they know if you have what they're looking for or not in less than one minute. I saw many people walk away from there depressed.  At that time, comedies were hot. Almost everyone that had a comedy script got read. I met some people there that I still keep contact with. They were all told that their scripts were great, but....could they turn it into a television script? A series? and so on. To this day they've spent countless hours rewriting like mad in the hope to sell their scripts, but nothing ever happened. It's a very tough business. Be strong and thick skinned and have fun....  I did!

Thanks, Pia!

Day one was interesting, much smaller than I thought, about 600 attendees.
I'm looking at a mix of managers, agents and production companies.
So, the only film companies I have time to pitch are looking for what I have.
One company in attendance is run by a director that make films that inspired ZP.
So, you can bet I'll pay them a visit once I got my game on!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Dreamscale Best of luck, Brett!  Knock 'em dead, kid...knock 'em dead!!!! Be yourself, be cool and confident, and you never know what will go down. Keep us informed.  We're all rooting for you!!!!

Day one done.
Very chill. Good class. Good schwag.
Great location, very convenient.
Small attendance, 600+, very low key crowd.

I'm sure on Sunday it will be a madhouse when the execs arrive.
Got a full slate of classes today.
It seemed to me I was very well prepared compared to many writers I spoke to.
Loved the leave behind and concepts, etc.
Orchestrated a roundtable of pratice pitching with 7 writers in the bar. Fun!

Regards,
E.D.

I'll get to more reviews soon, guys, thanks for the reads!

E.D.

Knock em dead! best of luck with this.

I'm sorry I couldnt add more to this, but my work schedule changed and I simply ran out of time.

What I did get to has a definite good family film vibe to it.

This is a good idea.  But off the bat I would say your dialogue needs an overhaul.  You need to leave more room for subtext.  I.E. characters not saying everything that is in their head yet the reader gets a feeling of what they are thinking.  Example:

GIL
Sure, we can start being a family
next weekend. But wait, I almost
forgot, next Sunday we have focus
groups for FigCorp’s new ointment.
Joan looks through her schedule book.
JOAN
Ha-ha, very funny.

Would sound more natural if you said:

(the dialogue before this part staying the same)

GIL
Sure, we can start being a family next weekend.

JOAN
Ha-ha, very funny.

You have already stated they are busy people so Gil saying all that stuff after "weekend" makes the dialogue clunky.  Leave that for the audience to interpret.  We're smart.  We know what he means.  There are lots of bits of dialogue like that were if you cut a few words here and there it would improve things.  I would say anywhere you have a paragraph of dialogue (three lines or more) you could cut it down at least half of the time.  Just my opinion.  The more white on a page the better.  Good story though.

Good job, Brett!  Look forward to the details.  Hope it works out!!!

Hey Brett, best of luck with the upcoming pitch/ hope it all went well!

I do owe you a read and Red Sun looks like it's been covered so I wanted to try and give this a go.

The first 16 pages were hectic due to the volume of characters we're being introduced to but the dialogue seems more than realistic, I thought it was fun snappy and something kids and adults would both find amusing and probably relate to.

Liked the Figcorp building being all dark and with a sense of doom haha.

Liking the Figgis character, could turn into a real eccentric. Liked the conversation as Gils and Joan head to the lab - reading between the lines I thought it was a good idea saying that the adults have lost their sense of fun whilst slaving over work whereas kids are more adventurous.

18> I found the minivan scene innocent fun but the cynic in me tells me I'm sure some parents might be unhappy about having to explain what a milf is haha - edit: you covered this well on 21!

Digged the FigCorp ad and slogan, the coloful mutation of Leahanni and the "predator" vs "prey" gymnasties!
26> Amused by Coach D haha
33> "we're about to be overrun purple zombie thingys" - Joan is missing a "By".
at 41 - the kids have separated into two's which gives us more views of the playground/golf course. Nice descriptions of the various sections, short and sweet.
Read from 41 to 61 and found no problems. Will probably check out the final part during the week.

I thought the food being contaminated with a "virus/zombie thing" concept reminded me slightly of The Stuff (1985) although its been so long since I've seen that film, I wouldn't be able to say anything other than the concept was similar.
The idea of kissing transforms the victim into a zombie is a good one, suitably fitting for a film of this nature. I don't recall seeing it done like this before ( perhaps Shivers (1975) or Rabid (70's) - always get those two mixed up for some reason ) so much credit for coming up with a " family friendly" way of passing on the infection! I thought it was clever and all done in a fun way but kiddishly gory enough, if that makes sense!

Figgis - reminds me of John Lithgow playing his role as the main bad guy in Santa Claus The Movie haha. Even though Figgis is not a "real" baddie in this, I just couldnt get him out my mind from being this character!

Dialogue and writing is awesome. Action is well crafted and delivered. The humour feels perfectly at home. Obviously I'd have to finish this up to have an overall view but I doubt the last 30 will nosedive dramatically.

I think you should be very proud of yourself with this one.
Top job!

Quoted from svsg1982 This is a good idea.  But off the bat I would say your dialogue needs an overhaul.  You need to leave more room for subtext.  I.E. characters not saying everything that is in their head yet the reader gets a feeling of what they are thinking.  Example: GIL Sure, we can start being a family next weekend. But wait, I almost forgot, next Sunday we have focus groups for FigCorp’s new ointment. Joan looks through her schedule book. JOAN Ha-ha, very funny. Would sound more natural if you said: (the dialogue before this part staying the same) GIL Sure, we can start being a family next weekend. JOAN Ha-ha, very funny.

Hey SVSG!

Thanks for taking a look at this.
You make some valid points all screenwriters should follow.
I agree in principle, but the example you chose does have subtext.
It's Gil always blaming things around him when there's problems.
And it's also serves as a tease leading up to Figgis' reveal later in the story.
How did he know they were saying that? Because he's nearby and monitoring them.

Still sage advice and I appreciate the read!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Hugh Hoyland E.D. Knock em dead! best of luck with this. I'm sorry I couldnt add more to this, but my work schedule changed and I simply ran out of time. What I did get to has a definite good family film vibe to it.

Hey Hugh!

I did my best to knock them undead.
I'm sorry you weren't able to finish the script.
A critique from a member is valuable anytime.
I'd like to hear your thoughts, should you choose to continue.

PitchFest is just the tip of the iceberg.
A read is just as valuable now, as it was before the event.
Thanks for your kind words and well wishes.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Penoyer79 the title of this script gave me the idea of doing a zombie script where the unleashed zombie virus has wiped out all the adults - and only pre-pubescent children are left in the world

Oh, so it's a zombie spin on the old Lord of the Flies.
That could be a fun story to pitch and develop, go for it!

Regards,
E.D.

Good luck with this script man. Rewrite the hell out of this...lol.

Quoted from CindyLKeller Brett, I forgot to comment on your poster. Your partner in crime did a fantastic job on it. And after going back and taking another look at it, I saw Screenplay readers gave you coverage. How was it? Cindy

Yeah, my partner is a wizard at that stuff.
"Getting" the script was also a big help with setting the tone with a sly visual.
I've talked it to death probably, but at least it translated into a nice image.

The "reviews" on the poster are from my Screenplay Readers coverage.
I thought, "Why not post them like movie reviews? They're pretty much just that".
The execs at the con dug the idea, so it's all good in my book.
Besides, I give the company some ad space on my poster too.

In addition the niceties, there's criticisms were helpful.
I've tweaked the structure a lot based on their sage advice.

When you're ready for the hard truth, I highly recommend the experience.

Regards,
E.D.

You're next, Ryan. Mwahahahaha!