Zombie Playground by Brett Martin (electric dreamer) - Comedy, Ensemble, Family, Adventure - Children of cohabiting scientists must overcome their prejudices and battle junk food obsessed mutant zombies that take over their playground. 93 pages - pdf, format

Wow!  Nice poster, dude!  How'd you make that?

It will be interesting to see what everyone has to say about this script.  Good luck!!!

I'll be giving this a read this weekend.

Hey Brett

I've read the first 30 pages twice. There's a lot of characters, but that's only a minor problem, and one for readers, not the film. You probably have just the right amount of characters for this type of film.

I've never read a kids script before, so very unfamiliar ground for me. I would say you've succeeded in capturing a kid friendly tone both with the settings(bright colors, flashing lights, new technology) and with the dialogue.

One seems to face a unique challenge with a kid's script about zombies. A major goal of a script is to create conflict and tension. But you don't want to make a kid's script really scary. So you are establishing your conflict within the Brady Bunch family setting, and in other personal relationships. I think that makes absolutely perfect sense. Some might suggest it is too familiar, but I think it is completely appropriate here.

In answer to the question what do the protagonists want, I think your answer seems to be they want to unite as a family. The zombie situation is merely the temporary obstacle and ironically in the end will be the means of achieving this unification. That works for me.

Normally I would wonder about some technical things. Like this zombie drug. The testing of it was kind of weird. They produced it, canned it, even created the marketing campaign; but never tested it until now. The scene with the pygmies confused me a little too. It seems they discovered a chemical that makes kids what...play a video game? Maybe I will learn more in the rest of the script.

But I'm not sure whether these questions need to be answered anyway in a kids script.

So based on the first 30 pages, I would say the script is colorful, family friendly and potentially a lot of fun.

Oh, I liked Coach D. Again, the character is slightly familiar, but perfect for this setting. I'm not sure which direction you will go with her, but you've set it up where she can be both humorous and sympathetic, as well as a convenient plot device for other mischief. And the predator/prey game is cool, sets things up nicely with the oncoming zombies.

I will finish the rest this weekend, but nice work so far Brett!

Folks,

Brett is going to pitch this next weekend (June 4th) so he would benefit from a quick read from the community and some positive reinforcement (seriously, after pitchfest you can tell him his script is crap, but until after pitchfest, let's focus on typos and plot holes).

Don

I will try to get this read and critiqued in the next few days. Looks like a good, fun read.

Good luck at Pitchfest.

Stew

As I usually do, I sent notes of grammar mistakes, typos by PM. I only found two, but one right in the first line. Trying to watch for them because of the circumstances.

I'll give it a read over the weekend....

thanks for deleting my post, whoever did that.     I guess Don since he edited his post.................................

Quoted from Grandma Bear I'll give it a read over the weekend.... thanks for deleting my post, whoever did that.     I guess Don since he edited his post.................................

That was me.  My joke was poor and in hindsight didn't want to take away from Brett's current need.

Don

Congratulations, it's a monster hit.
Relentlessly energetic in the spirit of Buffy The Vampire Slayer (survival of the most clever) -- you've got some great fire power for pitch points on pages 70 (Joan's "bad touch" warning and Scott's rally cry speech) and page 83 (CEO in the chair) -- those pages ought to sell this script to any producer who really is looking for a monster hit.
Brilliantly concise writing.
Love the golf cart and leaf blower scenes, especially.
Your character Mason is a real charmer -- audience will love Mason.

Hey E.D.,

See you went with Macon's namechange.  It just sounded a little weird, especially with how much bacon is in the script.  I do like Mason better.

I remember the first draft was 93 pages, then the second draft I read was 89 pages, and now I see it's back to 93 pages, yet the pygmies from the second draft are still in it.  Is there a significant difference between the second draft I read and this draft.  Did you put more in it, or just put back in a little bit of what was cut from the first draft?

Quoted from Dreamscale Wow!  Nice poster, dude!  How'd you make that? It will be interesting to see what everyone has to say about this script.  Good luck!!!

Hey Jeff!

Thanks, I'll pass along your words to the animator/artist, my roommate.
I'm blessed to have a very talented partner in crime that believes in me.

And thanks again for your help in the early going with this one.

Enjoy the long weekend!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from leitskev One seems to face a unique challenge with a kid's script about zombies. A major goal of a script is to create conflict and tension. But you don't want to make a kid's script really scary. So you are establishing your conflict within the Brady Bunch family setting, and in other personal relationships. I think that makes absolutely perfect sense. Some might suggest it is too familiar, but I think it is completely appropriate here. In answer to the question what do the protagonists want, I think your answer seems to be they want to unite as a family. The zombie situation is merely the temporary obstacle and ironically in the end will be the means of achieving this unification. That works for me.

Wow. This!
You sure you never read a family feature script before?
That's one hunk of insightful storytelling mechanics there, pal.

I'm a big believer in "devices", especially in "hyper reality" scripts.
I tried to avoid the trap here of the story being about the device.
My device is in service to the family I'm writing about.
I'm much more into scripts that enhance an existing story with a device.
I tend to tune out on stories that merely exist to serve a flashy device.

Looking forward to your thoughts, thanks so much for everything.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from c m hall Congratulations, it's a monster hit. Relentlessly energetic in the spirit of Buffy The Vampire Slayer (survival of the most clever) -- you've got some great fire power for pitch points on pages 70 (Joan's "bad touch" warning and Scott's rally cry speech) and page 83 (CEO in the chair) -- those pages ought to sell this script to any producer who really is looking for a monster hit. Brilliantly concise writing. Love the golf cart and leaf blower scenes, especially. Your character Mason is a real charmer -- audience will love Mason.

Hey C.M.!

I feel like a doof, I don't recall your first name.
Thanks so much for the quicksilver read, you SS members are so kind.

Wow. Joss Whedon rekindled my interest in television with that show.
One of ZP's big themes is cooperation prevails.
And with that cooperation comes group ingenuity.
I tried hard to stick with that notion while constructing the scenes.
All the while concocting scenes with high visual impact to attract interest.
The challenge of trying to juggle all that is a lot of fun for me.

You cited several of those "trailer moments" I was hoping folks would enjoy.
But they're in service of the two families trying to reunite, so I hope they're genuine.

Hmm, golf cart or go-kart? Maybe both, heh.
Any neat device with wheels I can shoehorn into a story, I'll do it.

Honestly, I was terrified of Mason.
I've never attempted to write a feature protag of that age before.
I wanted him to be integral to the sibling pairs coming together.
But not resort to trickery that wouldn't be appropriate for his age.

Thanks so much for your effort and thoughts.
I hope ZP brought a little breezy joy to your long holiday weekend.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from rc1107 Hey E.D., See you went with Macon's namechange.  It just sounded a little weird, especially with how much bacon is in the script.  I do like Mason better.

Mark!

That was all you. "C" to a "S".

Quoted from rc1107 I remember the first draft was 93 pages, then the second draft I read was 89 pages, and now I see it's back to 93 pages, yet the pygmies from the second draft are still in it.  Is there a significant difference between the second draft I read and this draft.  Did you put more in it, or just put back in a little bit of what was cut from the first draft?

Ahh, the draft parade. I'll go through this chronologically...

Your first read was on the second draft.
Your second read was the fourth draft.
I posted the sixth draft on SS.

There have been wholesale tweaks throughout the script.
Scene trims, scene expansions, a scene moved and merged into another, etc.
I'd say overall, there's about 5-6 pages of new material.
It's sprinkled throughout critical areas in the story.

To me, this is, detail wise, very different from draft four.
Your insight is always appreciated, pal.

Enjoy the holiday weekend!

Regards,
E.D.

I'll take this opportunity to thank those on the thread pledging reads.
I apologize for any inconvenience due to coinciding with the new action fest OWC.
Reads post-PitchFest will be just as helpful as before the convention. Thanks!

I will be reading the rest later. Now that I know the characters, it should be an easy and enjoyable read. I seem to have a hard time remembering a lot of characters in a script. An example of something that is not the fault of the script, but the reader.

Another thing that comes to mind: if I have interpreted correctly where this is going, it will conform to a predictable formula. But I don't at all think that makes it guilty of being cliche or unoriginal. It follows a familiar path, just like a hero based story, or a coming of age tale. And there will no doubt be familiar landmarks along the path: the whiny teenage girl absorbed in her own affairs, the parent who is afraid to commit to her new relationship, either because she/he is insecure because of her past failing, or can't let go of something, or is afraid how it will affect her kids; the greedy corporate boss. But story telling is in essence a reassembling of familiar parts into new but recognizable forms. The key to being original has nothing to do with avoiding those recognizable forms, or even the recognizable formula. And  I don't think there's any need for a crazy twist at the end, especially for a kid's film. If you have one, it may add power to the story, but it's not a requirement. What you need is what you have: an original and colorful device for telling a familiar tale. Then all you need to do is bring the characters sharply to life, make them entertaining and comical, make us care about them. So far things seem to be successfully moving in that direction.

E.D.

Very good writing style. Great selection of action verbs, No BS in your narrative. If any one thinks RED SUN was a wasted exercise, just look at the huge progress you've made with this script. Know that, And feel good.

Here are my issues regarding your new script.

* 20 min. maybe too long for set up
* a central villain might help solidify the threat from the zombies (Figgis was inept, greedy)
* Is there a name for these new zombies? newbie? ha!
* Too many characters make it hard to care for the core group.

Th atmosphere reminded me of Spy Kids (2001). Good luck.

Gary

ah, go-kart of course -- I'm wheels-happy this weekend, Indie 500, Nascar etc.


Cathy

Hey Brett

Good luck! Read about 50 pgs.

Here's what I have so far:

Too many characters. Try combining a few of them or eliminating them.  

Coach D should be like the principal from Matilda. In other words, mean and more pro- Darwinian. Exaggerate her.

I think you should remove the opening with the villagers. The scene where Gil and Joan are testing the product out is sufficient enough to show the positive and negative effects of the product.  

Like Mason.

Like the exchange between Joan and Gil.

Why not add Joan's ex into the mix? He could be Gil's opposition. That would be
some funny moments.

For Figgis's joke to work, the reader needs to know whose Figgis sister is? i say Coach D.

Hope this makes sense, lol. If not, let me know.
Gabe

As I go:

Page 2:  Hahah!  Social commentary.  Good.

Page 14:  "What they really need is to get their heads..."  You're walking the line well of not making the message too obvious; this line, though, is too far.  This is the one that's stuck out to me, anyway.

Page 16:  "Only Nana calls me that."  This comes right after "Only my sister calls me that" from Mr. Figgis.  Is that intentional?

Page 17:  "You're mom's amazing" should be "Your".
"...the upcoming penultimate playoff game..."  This is a little awkward.  Wouldn't want this line as an actor.

Page 27:  I don't get it.  How was Hanna kissing up to Radish?

Page 32:  I realize only now that I'd like to know a little bit more about Figgis.  Just a line or two here or there to give us more of a sense of who he is, past that he hides from his sister.  

Page 33:  "The doors are electronically sealed..."  You're missing a "by" in the second sentence.

Page 39:  "Stephanie trips and..."  Missing the "falls".

Page 44:  I had to re-read to understand that he was choking Oz with the binocular straps.

Page 49:  Personally, I would move the Scott/Hanna reconciliation to immediately after the jocks attack.  They're forced to protect/help each other first, THEN they deal with their personal problems.  Otherwise, it kinda just seems like Scott had a change of heart for no reason.

Page 71:  I think the moment with Gil and Joan is more romantic if they don't hug, personally.  Hug's too much for me.

Page 77:  Missing the capital "Z" on "Kart Zombie #2".

Page 78:  And again here.

Page 86:  "The mobile net corral holds..."  "Hungover" seems like an odd choice of word.

Thoughts:

Rave review, basically.  This could be the kind of movie that I remember from my childhood -- the kind that really inspires kids.  Family movies are generally CG and/or bullshit now, and this is great.  Your writing's very tight, and the script is pretty much exactly what it should be.  

I think you're getting close to the too many characters problem -- the obvious cut, to me, would be the Japanese duo -- but on the other hand, Cheaper By The Dozen worked quite well.

I dunno.  It was very good.  I wish you luck with the pitch, but I don't think you need it -- the script is super solid.

Thanks for the great read!

Finished the second third Brett. Figured I will comment while ideas are fresh, read the rest tomorrow.

I only found a couple of writing mistakes, so I will PM those.

Ideas are free, and there's no harm in my running a couple by you on the chance you can use them.

I started my own zombie script a couple weeks ago, different than this, but some challenges are faced in any zombie script. I had never been a fan of zombies, and really haven't seen a lot of them in movies. But the questions that come up right off the bat: how are zombies created, how does it spread. I imagine that the normal method is virus. Naturally one wants to avoid that mechanism since it's so over done. But other mechanisms do create problems.

In this case we have an extract from a leaf discovered in Africa that has been altered and included in a soft drink as the method of creation, and then it seems to spread through contact, usually through kissing or some other harmless means, this being a kid's flick.

If this was not a kid's movie, you just couldn't get away with this mechanism. Too much doesn't make sense. The fact that the product was made without testing, and then the testing was just people in a room slugging cans. And then the spreading had to be a little of a challenge for you, since you didn't want violence, so now we are left with kissing zombies. Unless the kids are going to be really young, they will start to question some of this.

So I tried to think what esle you could do without having to go through a major change. At first I actually thought you might have this company trying to spread this zombie outbreak on purpose. That would explain the lack of true testing. It might make the testing we do have here no longer sensible, but something could be crafted as a justification. You could just have some kind of a grand opening party too.

Another idea was to have the zombie purple stuff be somehow alien related. How this stuff was first introduced by the aliens would open up some great visual opportunities for you. And then the spreading of it could be related to the aliens trying to spread. I don't know, not sure if that works either. I just had some problems with the mechanism. This is for kids, so it isn't necessarily a problem, but if you could solve these issues it would help the plot, even for older kids.

The other idea was to do with the Gymnasties verses the gerbils, which I really like a lot. In fact, you could have built a movie around that even without zombies. It's familiar, with the cool kids against the nerds, but it's still unique enough. My idea is nothing big, but I thought Coach D could use this game as a life lesson, in her Darwinist world view, for the kids. Let me give an example:

Coach D: "Life is about the survival of the strong over the weak. So listen up weakling gerbils. The last two prey to get caught will make the leap to predator next time. No more hiding with the slow and the weak.

Oz whispers to Kimi: She always forgets that sometimes the slow and the weak are also the smartest.

Just ideas Brett. I've been trying to weigh whether there's too many characters, and I think it's ok in that regard, though I don't know if you need the two at the beginning in Africa. But the number of kids you do need because you're setting up this battle with the gerbs vs the gyms. Now that I think about it, I'm a little surprised you don't have a kid we know on the gyms, unless I'm forgetting one. Usually there's a brat/bully type in these stories, one that eventually becomes the focus of humorous action by the good kids.

I hope something here helped and I look forward to seeing it on the screen!
Kevin

Quoted from leitskev In this case we have an extract from a leaf discovered in Africa that has been altered and included in a soft drink as the method of creation, and then it seems to spread through contact, usually through kissing or some other harmless means, this being a kid's flick. If this was not a kid's movie, you just couldn't get away with this mechanism. Too much doesn't make sense. The fact that the product was made without testing, and then the testing was just people in a room slugging cans. And then the spreading had to be a little of a challenge for you, since you didn't want violence, so now we are left with kissing zombies. Unless the kids are going to be really young, they will start to question some of this.

Hey Kev,

Thanks for the spitball session.
The Bite origin mythology is a work in progress.
You've given me food for thought and some new ideas for the next draft.
No aliens, I'm afraid. Mutant zombies is more than enough fantasy for the script.
But, rest assured, I did think of something simple and character related. Thanks!

Quoted from leitskev Now that I think about it, I'm a little surprised you don't have a kid we know on the gyms, unless I'm forgetting one. Usually there's a brat/bully type in these stories, one that eventually becomes the focus of humorous action by the good kids.

Good point about the bullies being the butt of the joke.
There's some of that in the last third.
You may recall that Oz and Kim made a joke at the Gymnasties' expense earlier.

Quoted from leitskev What you need is what you have: an original and colorful device for telling a familiar tale.

This! You're writing up some good craft nuggets.

Thanks again for all your insight and effort!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from grademan E.D. Very good writing style. Great selection of action verbs, No BS in your narrative. If any one thinks RED SUN was a wasted exercise, just look at the huge progress you've made with this script. Know that, And feel good.

Wow. Thanks, it means a lot to me to see that in writing.
I figured if I could put a lot of love into something I essentially couldn't sell...
Imagine what I could do when I could make a career off the next one.

Quoted from grademan Here are my issues regarding your new script. * 20 min. maybe too long for set up * a central villain might help solidify the threat from the zombies (Figgis was inept, greedy) * Is there a name for these new zombies? newbie? ha! * Too many characters make it hard to care for the core group. Th atmosphere reminded me of Spy Kids (2001). Good luck. Gary

All good points that producers may bring up.
I'll keep these in mind and make sure I have good answers at PitchFest for them
Thanks so much for your input and kind words.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Hey Brett Good luck! Read about 50 pgs. Here's what I have so far: 1) Too many characters. Try combining a few of them or eliminating them.   2) Coach D should be like the principal from Matilda. In other words, mean and more pro- Darwinian. Exaggerate her. 3) I think you should remove the opening with the villagers. The scene where Gil and Joan are testing the product out is sufficient enough to show the positive and negative effects of the product.

Hey Gabe,

Thanks for taking a look at this so quickly.
I numbered your points for easy referencing...

1) It's a constant fear/danger with ensemble pieces.
    However, I keep in mind that the number is less daunting on the screen.
    I've tried hard to give the kids each their own voice, hope that helps.

2) Coach D's character arc been in flux in recent drafts.
    I'll be interested to see how you feel about it when it hopefully pays off later.
    I could see her being more extreme.

3) The villagers opener/grabber serves a lot of purposes.
    For me, it's more than origin mythology.
    Hopefully, in the second half, you'll see what I'm talking about.  

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Like Mason. Like the exchange between Joan and Gil. Why not add Joan's ex into the mix? He could be Gil's opposition. That would be some funny moments. For Figgis's joke to work, the reader needs to know whose Figgis sister is? i say Coach D. Hope this makes sense, lol. If not, let me know. Gabe

Mason was the one I was worried about.
Never wrote such a young protag before.
And he's rather integral to events, especially in the second half.
I'm glad he works for you as well as the newly engaged under fire couple.

Neat idea about the ex, I'll keep that in mind, thanks!

Coach D and Figgis related? Really? Hmmm, interesting idea.

Thanks for your time, enjoy the long holiday weekend.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Heretic As I go: Page 2:  Hahah!  Social commentary.  Good.

Hey Heretic!

Thanks for the super "as you go" notes.
I should do this more often when I read scripts here.
Sometimes I do start my post as I read and just type as I go.

Oh yes, there will be social commentary. You're the first to mention it.
It's one of the many things I loved about Romero's Dawn of the Dead.
And I wanted a modern family friendly take on that sentiment in this script.
It gives the adults a little something to chew on, other than popcorn.

Quoted from Heretic Page 14:  “What they really need is to get their heads…”  You’re walking the line well of not making the message too obvious; this line, though, is too far.  This is the one that’s stuck out to me, anyway.

You're right, it is on the nose, but felt like something a parent would say.
I kinda envision it as one of those "see, I told you" moments.
Where a parent leans in and whispers to their kid in the theatre.
Maybe I'm reaching a bit, but that was the thought process behind it.

Quoted from Heretic Page 16:  “Only Nana calls me that.”  This comes right after “Only my sister calls me that” from Mr. Figgis.  Is that intentional?

Indeed, it was, a word play recurring joke.
There's several of them sprinkled throughout the script.
They're like "verbal bread crumbs" subconsciously linking the intercutting action.
I got a great comment on it in coverage, but alas, nothing quote worthy for the poster.

Quoted from Heretic Page 18:  “We’ve got you covered.”  Hahahah!

Glad you like the FigCorp banner.
You'll be seeing more of it soon. Very soon.

Quoted from Heretic Page 27:  I don’t get it.  How was Hanna kissing up to Radish?

She wasn't, Scott is displaced and not wanting to share his life with the Brewsters.
It's easier for him if Hanna isn't associated with his friends for that.
It's not intentional, more of a subconscious thing for the boy.
Does that make sense?

Quoted from Heretic Page 32:  I realize only know that I’d like to know a little bit more about Figgis.  Just a line or two here or there to give us more of a sense of who he is, past that he hides from his sister.

Good to hear, I always worry about my supporting characters carrying their weight.

Quoted from Heretic Page 33:  “The doors are electronically sealed…”  You’re missing a “by” in the second sentence. Page 39:  “Stephanie trips and…”  Missing the “falls”. Page 44:  I had to re-read to understand that he was choking Oz with the binocular straps.

Catches like these are big, thanks.

Quoted from Heretic Page 49:  Personally, I would move the Scott/Hanna reconciliation to immediately after the jocks attack.  They’re forced to protect/help each other first, THEN they deal with their personal problems.  Otherwise, it kinda just seems like Scott had a change of heart for no reason.

The change of heart is when Scott learns how his dad helped Mason cope.
Lord Gorzon gives Scott the knowledge he's misjudging his father's intentions.
And he realizes he's been too harsh with Hanna, so he gives her a gift...
The gift of confirming that indeed, Radish does like her.
Sorry it didn't come off that way for you, I'll take a look at it.

Quoted from Heretic Page 71:  I think the moment with Gil and Joan is more romantic if they don’t hug, personally.  Hug’s too much for me.

You're right, it plays better in my mind, now that you mention it.
So Gil and Joan making the choice...then cut to Mason hugging Lord Gorzon.
It's a nice cut point that I missed, thanks!

Quoted from Heretic Page 77:  Missing the capital “Z” on “Kart Zombie #2”. Page 78:  And again here. Page 86:  “The mobile net corral holds…”  “Hungover” seems like an odd choice of word.

Hungover to lethargic? Yeah, that works.

Quoted from Heretic Thoughts: Rave review, basically.  This could be the kind of movie that I remember from my childhood -- the kind that really inspires kids.  Family movies are generally CG and/or bullshit now, and this is great.  Your writing's very tight, and the script is pretty much exactly what it should be.

If your childhood movies were anything like mine, then yes.
I think what you're driving at is the sub genre of family film I'm after here...
Wish fulfillment adventure. Kids solving their problems without adults.

It's oft overlooked these days and it's one I hold in high regard.
And I try to set that tone right off, even with the taglines...
No Adult Supervision. Play at Your Own Risk.

There are many wonderful films in this sub genre.
And ZP wouldn't exist without them.

SS has been integral to me becoming a more efficient writer.
I wanted to put together a tight draft and present it to the group.
I'm glad it provided you with some fun this holiday weekend.

Quoted from Heretic I wish you luck with the pitch, but I don't think you need it -- the script is super solid. Thanks for the great read!

Ha! Now I need to find agents and development execs that share your sentiment.
Thanks so much for the great feedback!

Regards,
E.D.

Got to finish the script.

I think the main heart of the story are the kids. That's what i got from the second half. Not so much in the first half. Should prob rectify that.

It got difficult when the science jargon and the kids battling came into play. I think that's a result of having too many kids. I would say combine a few of them.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

And good luck.

Hey you're probably locked in by now this close to your pitch. But I've scanned this over and it's definitely the most tightly written one I've seen on this site. Just want to say good luck to you... I'm sure a lot of people will be sending positive thoughts your way!

Hey E.D.

Just a couple of points, I think the family is introduced really well -- well done because there's alot of them to introduce - and thats before we get to their friends (the twins etc). Anyway, I do agree with the general consensus that you may need to condense or eleminate some of the characters in future re-writes.

Here's why -- I'm not a format 'expert' but it leads to things like the SERIES OF SHOTS on pages 26, 59 and 81, for example. When filmed it's not really a problem. Used sparingly in a script it's ok, but this amount of shots in a spec script borders on the age old no-no of telling the director/editor of what to do. This might be a personal gripe, as no one else has mentioned it.

On the positive, the dialogue between all the kids seems genuine to me. The kids come across as cool and sassy, well done. Family dynamics are slickly potrayed.  

On the negative -- alot of the techno-speech does make certain scenes hard work. If your core audience is kids (and I know you want adults to dig this is as well, but...) is it all neccessary?  

Anyway, thanks for the read and good look with your pitch.



  

Hey Brett,

I decided to read this one instead.  

I'm on page 49 now.

Nice writing style.

I did get confused with all of the characters, but I believe that would clear itself up on film.

I haven't read The Sandlot, but now I'm wondering how they introduced the kids.

Anyway, looking forward to seeing how this will all work out in the end.

Cindy

Quoted from Mr.Ripley Got to finish the script. I think the main heart of the story are the kids. That's what i got from the second half. Not so much in the first half. Should prob rectify that. It got difficult when the science jargon and the kids battling came into play. I think that's a result of having too many kids. I would say combine a few of them. Hope this helps, Gabe And good luck.

Thanks for the notes, Gabe!
Ensemble stories are tricky and I appreciate the thoughts.
I've already tweaked the technobabble and gave it more character motivation.
Your time is always appreciated.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from B.C. Hey E.D. Just a couple of points, I think the family is introduced really well -- well done because there's alot of them to introduce - and thats before we get to their friends (the twins etc). Anyway, I do agree with the general consensus that you may need to condense or eleminate some of the characters in future re-writes.

It's something I suspect that may come up with "interested parties".
I tried very hard to give each kid their own voice.
It is harder to distinguish on the page than on the screen.
It's a potential problem spot I'm keeping an eye on, thanks.

Quoted from B.C. Here's why -- I'm not a format 'expert' but it leads to things like the SERIES OF SHOTS on pages 26, 59 and 81, for example. When filmed it's not really a problem. Used sparingly in a script it's ok, but this amount of shots in a spec script borders on the age old no-no of telling the director/editor of what to do. This might be a personal gripe, as no one else has mentioned it.

I tend to look at series of shots as condensed storytelling than directing.
I'm not telling the director how to shoot, just super concentrating story elements.
If they want to show more, at least they have the framework I want them to have.
I will keep that in mind as a potential trouble spot, thanks.

Quoted from B.C. On the positive, the dialogue between all the kids seems genuine to me. The kids come across as cool and sassy, well done. Family dynamics are slickly potrayed.

I'm relieved to hear this, I tried super hard to make each kid stand out.
But not use cheap tricks or props to get that across.
At it's heart, ZP is a story about two families in discord thrown together.
It's not super deep, nor should it be for this type of picture, but it's still there.

Quoted from B.C. On the negative -- alot of the techno-speech does make certain scenes hard work. If your core audience is kids (and I know you want adults to dig this is as well, but...) is it all neccessary?   Anyway, thanks for the read and good look with your pitch.

In the new draft I've been tweaking the techobabble.
It's a bit thick in the posted draft, due to most of it being new.
That's me "sounding it out" on the page some.
I've already streamlined some of it and made it more character centric to Figgis.
Thanks for pointing that out.

I appreciate the read and the comments.
Glad the Hortons and the Brewsters worked well for you.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from CindyLKeller Hey Brett, I decided to read this one instead.   I'm on page 49 now. Nice writing style. I did get confused with all of the characters, but I believe that would clear itself up on film. I haven't read The Sandlot, but now I'm wondering how they introduced the kids. Anyway, looking forward to seeing how this will all work out in the end. Cindy

Hey Cindy,

Thanks for read back! I do enjoy the tone you establish in your scripts.
I hope you can see why now that you're reading my spin on a family adventure.
I'm rather enamored with writing for general audiences, it's fun!

Oh, The Sandlot! What a great suggestion!
I haven't seen that one in ages!
I'll have to give that one another look, pronto.

I'm glad my writing style works for you.
It wouldn't be nearly as good without the contributing SS members.
I've been lucky to be given a lot of constructive criticism here.

I'm going to agree with you about the character count.
It's a bit daunting on the page, partly because I didn't resort to stereotypes.
There's no fat kid that everyone makes the butt of the jokes, etc.
But I do hope their voices will help distinguish them on the screen.

Thanks a bunch for reading this, I look forward to hearing more from you.

Keep writing and rewriting!
Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from outtosea Hey you're probably locked in by now this close to your pitch. But I've scanned this over and it's definitely the most tightly written one I've seen on this site. Just want to say good luck to you... I'm sure a lot of people will be sending positive thoughts your way!

Hey Outtosea, thanks for the read!
Locked in? Hardly, I'm working on this puppy every day!
PitchFest is more about selling me than the individual script.
That's how it's been described to me by attending agents.
I need to let people know I have what it takes to get in there and work together, etc.
The main goal is to generate interest and get meetings at their offices post-con.

SS has been an invaluable resource to help improve my craft.
The contributing members have been very generous to me with their time.
I tried to put their sage advice to use and construct something worth their time to read.

I'm glad you enjoyed the script.
Thanks for the well wishes.

Regards,
E.D.

Finished!

Well, I've never been to pitchfest. Matter of fact, last time I pitched something it was slow pitch softball. I'm sure you are nervous. As this is about pitching yourself as much as your script, though I've never met you, I am confident you have nothing to worry about. You have been prolific in your reviews at SS, and somehow manage to bring first class analysis as well as meticulous professionalism to every single review. You take absolute care in all of your work, and I'm sure that will come across at pitchfest.

And of course you do need to develop some interest in the script. I think those that are interested in kids movies will be intrigued by the original concept here. And if they flip through the pages, they will not find amateur work. They will find things are pretty tight.

So you'll have 3 critical pieces: the dedication and professionalism of Brett Martin; a colorful, original script; and more or less effective writing. Hopefully from there, someone will want to work with you on this script to bring it to the next level.

There are some issues with the script, but with someone interested in working with you they will be confident they can be resolved. I found this kind of a difficult read. Let's face it, many good scripts are difficult reads, so this is not necessarily a problem. Early going, one has to learn a lot of characters. As I've said, I don't think this is a problem in film, but it will turn away a reader or two. Once I got to know the characters, the middle went nice and smooth; but then the last third of the script became very laborious to read because of the action. Page 86 is a good example of this. Wow, it takes effort to get through pages like that. Again, maybe not so much a problem in film, but that's a load to try to read, especially if you're really making an honest effort as a reader to visualize the scenes.

There were some things that never developed the way I thought they might, things you might consider on rewrites. First, as the goal here is to have the zombie fight bring about the union of the two families, I thought at some point the parents would join the fight. Instead, their battle is separate. So the unifying is only between the kids, really. Which leads to the second surprise.

My impression was that Joan was trying to avoid accepting the ring. I anticipated there would be a gradual process by steps where her doubts and fears were broken down during the crisis. Interaction with the kids I expected would be part of this. It didn't really play out that way. But it could. In fact, the interaction between Joan and Gil was cute, but emotionally flat. You've invested most of the emotional capital in the kids, I understand. But there is opportunity there to do more with that, and you really might want to.

Other observations: remember Mel Gibson's the Patriot? Remember the little daughter that would never speak to him because she was mad? That was very powerful stuff. It's the first example I could think of about emotionally powerful moments in kids movies(not that the Patriot is a kid's movie), but there's obviously many examples. There did not seem to be anything really powerful emotionally here. No powerful emotional moment, or sequence. You flirted with a couple. I'm just not sure they really pushed any emotional buttons. It's possible they would work better in film, as there was so much to absorb reading that it kind of blinds one, perhaps.

I'm not sure how you should go about creating this, Brett. I'm drawing blanks! But I wouldn't worry about coming up something cliche that works. Maybe Mason blames his parents divorce on his sister, doesn't talk to her at all. I don't know.

I suppose these thoughts are pretty random, and not helping much. Sorry, I had a long day. I will think about this some more over night. If you have any particular concerns that you are looking for some brain storming on, feel free to leave a post on it here, and I'm sure people will put their minds to it. I know I would.

Ok, I hope I helped a little somewhere. Good luck with the pitching. I feel good about you going in. You're ready.

If I can come up with more thoughts, I will.

Kevin

Hi Brett,

Here are some of my random notes:

Format:

The format is fine. I did not see any major formatting errors or slug errors. I've noted some grammar issues below:

age 1 - "Mr. And Mrs." -- I don't think you need to capitalize the 'A'
page 2 - "GROUP B". -- Period outside of quotations
Page 3 - "...BIG HIT". -- Period outside of quotations
Page 23 - "...Use Only". -- Period outside of quotations
page 33 - "I wanted to ask you morning..." -- missing word between "you" and "morning"
page 39 - "Stephanie trips and face first" -- missing word between "and" "face"
page 45 - period outside of "cycle started".
page 55 - "signal lost". -- period outside of quotations
page 66 - "tool shed". -- period outside of quotations
page 80 - "v2.7". -- period outside of quotations

So - for all the quotation issues, I was always taught to put the period inside the quotations if it's the end of a sentence or thought. If I'm wrong, I apologize.

Structure/Plot:

The story moves along with a nice pace and consistent tone. The writing feels like a kids script, so it envelopes the reader into the action. Nicely done.

With that said, I did have some notes:

1. I found the opening scenes in the jungle unnecessary. If even there is an opportunity to cut it down or remove it, that would work for me.
2. I found the first act a little slow to get going. Now, I am saying this with a kids attention span in my mind. It's a lot of character building and not enough action.
3. I was a little unsure at first how the "zombies" moved around. Were they classic style zombies or like 28 Days Later style?
4. You have 3 sets of Series of Shots - all of them are quite long and involve a lot of camera setups. I see opportunities to cut them down.
5. The biggest issue came in the 3rd act for me and I'm torn about what I feel about it. On one hand, I like the idea that Bite produces an 8 hour "rush" that will eventually wear off. It's a neat idea. What I felt was missing was a goal for the characters, some sort of "Aha!" moment where I knew what the characters needed to do to save the day. Since the conflict resolves itself eventually, it felt like a bit of a letdown that the kids couldn't "save the day." Something they discover in the 2nd Act that leads to the realization in the 3rd Act that they need to do something to save everyone. That the kids have to come together and work together as a family to save the day (and/or their parents). You have something similar (them coming together) with the plan and capture of the zombies, but I still wanted them to save the day - not just themselves.

Characters:

The characters you paint are vivid, unique and believable - well done. There wasn't a character I did not like. But, I did have some issues throughout the script that have already been brought up, but I'll echo them here:

1. I thought there were too many characters - especially the kids - and I thought that bogged down the first half of the script. If there is an opportunity to cull some and/or combine them - I would recommend that.

2. The script (IMHO) was screaming out for a kid protagonist. I kept coming back to Scott, who is well developed, but not developed enough for the story you place him in if he were to be a protagonist. I kept asking myself:

Who is pushing this script forward?
Who is the window into the script for the audience?

Obviously, if you are going for the ensemble, then go for it. I just felt, as a reader, it needed a protagonist.

3. The flip side of the protagonist is that I thought the script needed an antagonist. You have antagonistic characters, but no single person stood up as a true antagonist. One who tries to prevent the protagonist from reaching his/her goal. For a kids movie, you usually have the evil genius. The memorable character that the kids can relate too. Think of the dvd cover of many kids movies. They usually contain the protagonist(s) and the antagonist. Kids identify quickly with the goodies and the baddies.

Overall:

This was a smooth read. I love the concept (a kids zombie movie) and that's the hook; the strong point in the script. It's got great potential and I think it will get there, regardless of what opinions and comments I make

Good luck and I hope this was good feedback for you.

Stew

I've given this some more thought over night, Brett. Also, I've just read Stew's remarks and they're pretty insightful, worth considering.

I love the concept of the gymnasties vs the gerbils. While in some ways it's familiar, the fact that the teams were selected by Coach D gives it some originality. And as I mentioned, having Coach D offer elevation for the surviving gerbil could add some more.

To a certain extent, the zombie aspect hinders the battle of the gyms vs the gerbs. Because they all become zombies very quickly we never see any personality to the antagonist kids. We don't see them planning and scheming, or being arrogant or bratty or cocky.

I am not at all suggesting the zombie element be removed, because I do realize what they bring to the table. But there could be in between possibilities. For example, you could delay the conversion to zombie; or you could have only part of the gyms convert to zombie at first.

I know it's important to you to avoid stereotypes. That's why you don't have the fat gerb or the bully gym. But consider that sometimes you need archetypes. And certain characters fit the mold. It's mentioned above that you should have a kid stand out as more of a protagonist, and I agree. And I don't think Mason fits the bill for that at all. Too young. He's cute, but not smart enough because of his age.

I think an antagonistic kid is equally important. We need a kid that the audience identifies as the bad kid, or bully kid, or at least obnoxious. The kid everyone wants to see defeated. And this kid needs to be introduced early somehow. In fact, I believe it is standard form to have your antagonist introduced early. There really isn't an antagonist here, and to the extent there is(Figgins, Coach D), they are introduced late and seldom seen.

Not really possible for you to do this by this weekend. But, you can be thinking about it, and if questions come up, have possible replies verbally lined up.

Best of luck.

I have to agree with this.  I think you need a much better and more recognizable Antag.

Hey Brett. Read this as promised.

Despite your warnings and me going in with an open mind, I was still completely caught off guard. This whole Figcorp world was as bizarre as anything I could've expected. Again, I'd be curious as to where the inspiration for this came from. The purple haired zombies were stranger still yet I could see how they came out of this world.

Anyway, I can't say this was quite my cup of tea. I thought the face and minutia of Figcorp were far too goofy and childish and yet almost overly satirical at the same time. It reminded me of Robert Rodriguez's family films which I can't stand. The story revolves around this company so naturally the tone is tinged with a certain wackiness.

I didn't care much for the cast of characters either. I always have a hard time with too many characters. Not your fault. That's just my sensibilities. But I almost always get lost in the narrative if the characters aren't especially memorable. Macon and the twins stood out (Macon because of his toy monster) as did Stephanie because she was older than the rest. Raddish, I remember by name alone but never got a sense of him.

Someone needs to lead. I'm in agreement about that.

The parents seemed to fill that traditional [insert personality here] element that most kids films feature by way of adults but I suppose that's fine to a point.

The whole prey vs. predator thing, I never quite understood. Would anyone really make kids do this?

I kept expecting the zombies to eat somebody but eventually realized that was not happening.

Now...

I had no idea you were going for a family film until I was near finished. This put a lot of things into perspective (except the prey vs. predator... what?!). I wasn't sure it was even possible to write a family zombie film. But apparently it is.

In this regard, I'll give you some kudos. This is true "thinking outside the box" and I think you've filled a niche that a lot of people wouldn't even think needs filling. So a very good call. And to be fair, this did have a lot of splatter. Obviously, not blood splatter but... splatter. When I wasn't reminded of Spy Kids and such, I was reminded of Gremlins, namely Gremlins 2. That flick also had a lot of goop as well as a silly corporation that's just too retarded to exist.

So yeah. Not for me. But I think you might have something here.

I didn't take much notes as the whole thing was kinda baffling to me. Not much stood out by way of peculiar. But I've still got a few comments of a more detailed nature.

- The circumstances of the marriage proposal was awkward. Really awkward. I'm not sure where else you might stick this in but where it is... eh.

- This might be a little harsh but pages 30-40 felt straight monotonous to me. Nothing really progressed.

- Liked the intercut on 65.

- The reunion between Figgus and Coach D was strange and overly abrupt. You might think about adjusting it.

Anyway, there you have it. Good luck at Pitchfest.

Brett,

How long do I have to get this read before you pitch it?

Hey Brett,

Okay, I finished it.  

I guess I'll give you the bad first and get it out of the way...

Even though all the kids spoke differently, I still had a hard time remembering who was who and that, I think, is what held me back from really getting into this story.

I think you have to have a main character. One that we can watch grow and change. You have that person.
I believe that person should be Scott.

Why him?

Because his father is going to marry another woman and that woman has two kids.

Scott had a change of heart for his father when he learned what he did for Mason, right?

Well, I didn't get that he was all that upset with his father to begin with.
He just went along with everything like the other kids did.

I think you should make Scott more of a rebel. A loner. A tough kid on the outside  who hides his true feelings.

Maybe Stephanie has a horror story of her own that she lets Scott know of and he finally sees her as he sees himself, lost and alone.   ???

Have him be the one to save his soon to be stepbrother and sister (even though he doesn't know they are going to be related until the end).
Make him actually care for his new family.

I also believe you can get rid of the pigmy stuff at the beginning.
You don't introduce Francis Figgis until page 15.
I believe you should open on him in his lab, creating Bite. Experimenting with ingredients to see which would create a hunger for junk food.
Make Figgis the antagonist instead of just the FigCorp.
Maybe have a chart in the background showing this year's sales of snack foods going into the toilet.

On the good note, you have some witty dialogue and good action scenes.

Well, that's my thoughts.
Hope it helps.

Good luck with this,
Cindy

Hey Brett.

Well, I guess I was wrong, since (that I saw) nobody has brought up the 'you know what' part I said that might offend a few people.  Maybe I was just looking into it a little too much.

But you know how I am.  I just don't like to see people's moms talked about in MY scripts.  

Quoted from James McClung And to be fair, this did have a lot of splatter. Obviously, not blood splatter but... splatter

This might not be a bad idea to work into your pitch somehow.  Something along the lines of 'The first family film with a whole lot of... um... well you know... let's just say it's the first family-splatter film.'

Maybe a stupid idea.  I'm just throwing stuff out there for ya to think about.

Quoted from leitskev Finished! Well, I've never been to pitchfest. Matter of fact, last time I pitched something it was slow pitch softball. I'm sure you are nervous. As this is about pitching yourself as much as your script, though I've never met you, I am confident you have nothing to worry about. You have been prolific in your reviews at SS, and somehow manage to bring first class analysis as well as meticulous professionalism to every single review. You take absolute care in all of your work, and I'm sure that will come across at pitchfest.

Hey Kev,

Thanks a lot, it's been a real trial this week, and I needed to hear this.
Honestly, writing the beast was easy compared to everything else.
Car rentals, hotels, printing, graphic design, coverage, printing, etc.
I'm run down to say the least.
I try very hard to treat folks here the way I want to be treated. Across the board.
I'm grateful for what I've learned here and try to pay it forward, in earnest.
I've been told I can hold my own in conversation, I hope it serves me well at the con.

Quoted from leitskev And of course you do need to develop some interest in the script. I think those that are interested in kids movies will be intrigued by the original concept here. And if they flip through the pages, they will not find amateur work. They will find things are pretty tight. So you'll have 3 critical pieces: the dedication and professionalism of Brett Martin; a colorful, original script; and more or less effective writing. Hopefully from there, someone will want to work with you on this script to bring it to the next level.

I've gotten a lot of coverage notes about the originality of the idea.
I've received unanimous notes about that, there's a hook, they all agree.
I hope those that love the movies that inspired ZP see a bit of that magic here.
You're thinking is pretty in line with me about the necessary elements.

I have no illusions the script is near ready for production.
But, I do believe it's in a pretty good place to generate interest.
Which is all I'm trying to do, I have to get them interested in me, firstly.
Of course it needs work, and hopefully it will catch the eye of a development exec.
Someone that sees the potential within the established framework.

Also with the poster and flip side "document", I hope to create some intrigue.
I don't reveal much, I want them to invite me to their offices for that stuff.
I hope the combination of the aforementioned results in some interest.
The logic's sound and there's only one way to find out if I have a shot.
Even if ZP serves as a sample that leads to other work, I'd be thrilled. We'll see.

Quoted from leitskev Page 86 is a good example of this. Wow, it takes effort to get through pages like that. Again, maybe not so much a problem in film, but that's a load to try to read, especially if you're really making an honest effort as a reader to visualize the scenes.

ZP is a visual spaz attack. No doubt.
I approached writing this script like I was a 12 year old on a sugar high.
I wanted to come up with action solutions that kids, not adults, would concoct.
Kids use their imagination and make the best out of what they got.
Whether they are poor and don't own many toys, or...
They are trapped in a playground full of zombies with the lamest tool shed, ever.
So, I understand where you're coming from and grateful you stuck with it.

Quoted from leitskev There were some things that never developed the way I thought they might, things you might consider on rewrites. First, as the goal here is to have the zombie fight bring about the union of the two families, I thought at some point the parents would join the fight. Instead, their battle is separate. So the unifying is only between the kids, really. Which leads to the second surprise.

There is a unification, but it's at the very end, post zombie capture.
There is the beat where the parents get to protect their children.
Then, when they can finally act like real parents, is the marriage proposal revealed.
Granted, it's brief, but I believe to does speak to what you're talking about.
Could it be more? Sure. Am I open to it? You bet.

Quoted from leitskev My impression was that Joan was trying to avoid accepting the ring. I anticipated there would be a gradual process by steps where her doubts and fears were broken down during the crisis. Interaction with the kids I expected would be part of this. It didn't really play out that way. But it could. In fact, the interaction between Joan and Gil was cute, but emotionally flat. You've invested most of the emotional capital in the kids, I understand. But there is opportunity there to do more with that, and you really might want to.

You're right, I do invest most of the emotion into the kids. Why?
This is a kid wish fulfillment fantasy adventure. Kids solving their own problems.
That's the ultimate fantasy when I was kid at the movies.
To heck with adults, what do they know? Us kids can solve it on our own.
That's the DNA I'm trying to encode ZP with.
Hence, the adults get the shorter arcs, but I still want them to work.
There was an argument beat in the supply closet I took out.
It's a bit of common ground between Joan and Gil.
I have to take another look at that after PitchFest. Thanks.

Quoted from leitskev No powerful emotional moment, or sequence. You flirted with a couple. I'm just not sure they really pushed any emotional buttons. It's possible they would work better in film, as there was so much to absorb reading that it kind of blinds one, perhaps.\

You're right I do flirt with emotional stuff and mostly thematically.
I don't want to make folks cry. This is a PG movie.
I want to instill the message of family and it's various definitions.
Overcoming differences and accepting others on their own terms.
And not simply defining them as "her kids" as is in the beginning with Scott.
I want them to band together, because they want to, not because they have to.
Which is why the emotional beats come in before the lead kids get attacked.

Quoted from leitskev Ok, I hope I helped a little somewhere. Good luck with the pitching. I feel good about you going in. You're ready. If I can come up with more thoughts, I will. Kevin

Thanks for all your insights, they'll come in handy the next round of rewrites.
Developing ZP from a 18 month old treatment has been a blast.
The detail of your posts is staggering and humbling.

Regards,
E.D.

Hi E.D.

I just cracked this open. Now I havent got to deep so I dont have any direct comments yet. But they will come.

Now a question or two, when do you plan on pitching this? I want to get to this asap but have another feature I promised to read first. Is this coming pretty fast or do I have a little room as far as time goes?

If not I guess I'll be reading two features at the same time. Which wouldnt be to bad I suppose.

Either way so far so good as far as what Ive got to.

Quoted from MacDuff Hi Brett, The format is fine. I did not see any major formatting errors or slug errors. I've noted some grammar issues below: age 1 - "Mr. And Mrs." -- I don't think you need to capitalize the 'A' page 2 - "GROUP B". -- Period outside of quotations Page 3 - "...BIG HIT". -- Period outside of quotations Page 23 - "...Use Only". -- Period outside of quotations page 33 - "I wanted to ask you morning..." -- missing word between "you" and "morning" page 39 - "Stephanie trips and face first" -- missing word between "and" "face" page 45 - period outside of "cycle started". page 55 - "signal lost". -- period outside of quotations page 66 - "tool shed". -- period outside of quotations page 80 - "v2.7". -- period outside of quotations

Hey Stew,

Thanks so much for your time.
This is the nutsy boltsy stuff I don't know that I needed, thanks.
I had no idea periods were supposed to be within quotes. Thanks.

Quoted from MacDuff Structure/Plot: The story moves along with a nice pace and consistent tone. The writing feels like a kids script, so it envelopes the reader into the action. Nicely done.

I tried to write ZP like I was a kid on a sugar high.
And come up with kid solutions to adult problems.
I have some hard rules about violence and weapons too in the script.
They don't lend themselves well to the kid wish fulfillment fantasy story.

Quoted from MacDuff With that said, I did have some notes: 1. I found the opening scenes in the jungle unnecessary. If even there is an opportunity to cut it down or remove it, that would work for me. 2. I found the first act a little slow to get going. Now, I am saying this with a kids attention span in my mind. It's a lot of character building and not enough action. 3. I was a little unsure at first how the "zombies" moved around. Were they classic style zombies or like 28 Days Later style?

1. The Pygmies are polarizing for sure. The coverage I got unanimously praised the
   "grabber" quality of it. Yet, some folks aren't sold. I'll keep an eye on it.
2. Yup, the character building can probably use some condensing.
    Frankly, I'm just not that good at it yet, but I'm learning.
    And I certainly don't make it easy on myself choosing an ensemble piece.
3. Zombie mythology is tricky. They do start out as moaners.
    However, when they get some snack food, they perk up.
    It's a recent script development, I'll certainly work on refining it.

Quoted from MacDuff 4. You have 3 sets of Series of Shots - all of them are quite long and involve a lot of camera setups. I see opportunities to cut them down. 5. The biggest issue came in the 3rd act for me and I'm torn about what I feel about it. On one hand, I like the idea that Bite produces an 8 hour "rush" that will eventually wear off. It's a neat idea. What I felt was missing was a goal for the characters, some sort of "Aha!" moment where I knew what the characters needed to do to save the day. Since the conflict resolves itself eventually, it felt like a bit of a letdown that the kids couldn't "save the day." Something they discover in the 2nd Act that leads to the realization in the 3rd Act that they need to do something to save everyone. That the kids have to come together and work together as a family to save the day (and/or their parents). You have something similar (them coming together) with the plan and capture of the zombies, but I still wanted them to save the day - not just themselves.

4. I'm open to trims there, if I'm bordering on being repetitive.
    I use them to keep things moving for the kids too, insert a sight gag or two.
5. Ahh yes, the "evil sugar rush". I cant stop shoehorning subtext in there, it seems.
    You're right, it's not a big "save the day" beat, I've always been sensitive to that.
    So far, I've been worried that it would overshadow the character beats.
    And to that end, I chose to make it more about the kids, I need to.
    However, when the kids are where I need to be, upping the peril may work better.

Quoted from MacDuff Characters: The characters you paint are vivid, unique and believable - well done. There wasn't a character I did not like. But, I did have some issues throughout the script that have already been brought up, but I'll echo them here:

Whew, thanks. Heh. Eleven primary and secondary characters is a lot, agreed.
I tried to give the 7 kids and 4 adults some modicum of color and truth.
And I think there's room for improvement with each of them.

Quoted from MacDuff 1. I thought there were too many characters - especially the kids - and I thought that bogged down the first half of the script. If there is an opportunity to cull some and/or combine them - I would recommend that.

It's the big question, and a valid one. Does it need to be seven kids? No.
But it is and I'm not deconstructing the script unless one of two things happens.
There's legit interest and I get picked up, then, of course, it's a paying gig. Or...
There's zero interest and I need to regroup and restructure the whole thing.
Believe me, I debated heavily on five or seven, both good numbers for kid ensembles.
Monster Squad is five. Goonies is seven. Heck, Sandlot is nine. O_O

Quoted from MacDuff 2. The script (IMHO) was screaming out for a kid protagonist. I kept coming back to Scott, who is well developed, but not developed enough for the story you place him in if he were to be a protagonist. I kept asking myself: Who is pushing this script forward? Who is the window into the script for the audience? Obviously, if you are going for the ensemble, then go for it. I just felt, as a reader, it needed a protagonist.

Scott is the lead kid, no doubt, and I feel he's developing in that direction.
He's a flawed leader with preconceived notions he needs to unlearn.
Scott does save Hanna and lead her and Mason and Stephanie to the fortress.
It is Scott that rallies the seven into one last stand at the fortress.
Scott does lead the group into the arcade and make contact.
He does conceive the plan to capture the zombies.
Scott does a heck of a lot of leading in the second half.
However, he doesn't play a lead role in the net capture, hmmm.
Perhaps I'm not hitting those beats hard enough, I'll look at that next week.

Quoted from MacDuff 3. The flip side of the protagonist is that I thought the script needed an antagonist. You have antagonistic characters, but no single person stood up as a true antagonist. One who tries to prevent the protagonist from reaching his/her goal. For a kids movie, you usually have the evil genius. The memorable character that the kids can relate too. Think of the dvd cover of many kids movies. They usually contain the protagonist(s) and the antagonist. Kids identify quickly with the goodies and the baddies.

I agree with you, to a point.
You're right, there's no single mustache twisting cackler at the core here.
The antags are tepid, a misguided CEO and a bitter athlete coach.
The Gymnasties certainly fill the role of bullies, but are in support.
Many kid ensemble pictures don't have that big villain.
I'm not making excuses, but I did make that conscious choice.
I'll use two Spliebergian samples that came to mind when creating ZP.
Goonies, the Fratellis aren't much of an antag in that film.
If anything, I noted they slowed down the action quite a bit with their antics.
In Gremlins, all you have is Spike, the ring leader that hates Gizmo.
That being said, I do think Figgis and D need some work.
And the Gymnasties can be even meaner, and I'm working towards that.

Quoted from MacDuff Overall: This was a smooth read. I love the concept (a kids zombie movie) and that's the hook; the strong point in the script. It's got great potential and I think it will get there, regardless of what opinions and comments I make Good luck and I hope this was good feedback for you. Stew

Thanks for all your effort and comments. They're very helpful.
All I need this week is to show industry types that I have a decent grasp of craft.
And I can work horse through rewrites and I can come up with catchy hooks.
Right now, it's about getting someone's attention, so we'll see.
Then it's back to rewrites after trying to sell myself all weekend, heh.

Best of luck on your love letter to 80s genre pics too!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Andrew Brett, How long do I have to get this read before you pitch it?

Actual Pitch Day at the convention is Sunday.
Any thoughts/insights/typos caught before then would be great, thanks!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Hugh Hoyland Hi E.D. I just cracked this open. Now I havent got to deep so I dont have any direct comments yet. But they will come. Now a question or two, when do you plan on pitching this? I want to get to this asap but have another feature I promised to read first. Is this coming pretty fast or do I have a little room as far as time goes? If not I guess I'll be reading two features at the same time. Which wouldnt be to bad I suppose. Either way so far so good as far as what Ive got to.

Hey there Hugh!

Thanks for cracking this open, I appreciate your consideration.
Actual pitch day at the con is Sunday. Friday and Saturday are class and socializing.
Any insights you'd like to share by Saturday night, I should receive.
Unless, I'm schmoozing my way into a cocktail napkin deal at the hotel.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from leitskev I think an antagonistic kid is equally important. We need a kid that the audience identifies as the bad kid, or bully kid, or at least obnoxious. The kid everyone wants to see defeated. And this kid needs to be introduced early somehow. In fact, I believe it is standard form to have your antagonist introduced early. There really isn't an antagonist here, and to the extent there is(Figgins, Coach D), they are introduced late and seldom seen.

I do agree with this, in spirit.
However, I've been treading lightly due to the ensemble nature of the piece.
The Gymnasties rough up Oz and Kim and smack Scott around.
I do believe there's room for enhancement with the antags.
It's something I'll revisit the next time out of the box. Thanks!

E.D.

Brett,

I see people are giving you a lot of input. Great! Mine will be short as I read this in places where I was unable to take proper notes.

First of all I want to say that I'm very impressed with this being just your second feature and how you managed to string this story together. It's solid. Something I've never managed to do with a feature yet...maybe due to me also posting first drafts!  

Anyway, great writing and format. All I spotted was some missing words on pages 33 and 39 I think.

So, in short, you did a GREAT job over all. The rest will be me complaining about some of the things that needs attention or tweaking IMHO.

First off, who is this intended for? As a parent of three, I have sat through countless of "family" films. Horrible ones as well as great ones. IMO, it's very hard to write something that will work for pretty much everyone. Writing something that is not offensive to anyone is not equal to writing something everyone will like. Disney and Pixar for example make great films that almost everyone will like. I read ToyStory 3 a while back and I thought it was a fantastic read. You may want to read it if you haven't already. To me, your biggest issue here is who this will appeal to. Maybe I'm wrong and Cathy (C M Hall) is right, I don't know, but I can only comment on something from the way I see it. And to me it seemed like you tried too hard to cram stuff in there to appeal to everybody, but it becomes too busy and doesn't quite work. There are way too many characters in this piece. Even for an ensemble cast. I can't say I connected with anyone. I probably thought Mason was the cutest and most charming, but other than that no one else stood out with their personality. They were just names on the pages. It's almost like you tried to cover every single age group in this cast. Which brings me to the target audience again. Who is this for? IMHO, it is not clever or witty enough to keep an adult interested. At least not me. Again, study some of the big studios and how they manage to keep the adults entertained at a higher level that goes over the kids heads. Lots of those films have a lot of innuendo and can be very suggestive, but don't sink to the level of having a mother say she and her boyfriend are heading into the bedroom to make bacon. Cringe!! Is what I did when I read that. It doesn't fit this story. Find better more intelligent less blunt ways to entertain the older crowed. Kids do not think it's funny when their parents joke about having sex.  I also didn't think this would keep teenagers (14 and up) interested. IMO, the very young crowd is probably who this would work best for. It reminded me quite a bit of that Nickelodeon show that had a lot of green slime in it. I forgot the name. But that's about how this looked to me.

Second problem I had here was the lack of a real feel of tension and suspense. I felt that there really wasn't that much at risk. I'm not sure little kids are even gonna feel it. What's the worst that will happen? Not enough at stake here. I would have liked to see someone from the protag side being in real jeopardy. Something. Being vomited on and possibly turning into a vomiting being themself is bad, but not bad enough.

I also didn't like that someone said Joan's other boyfriend did this or that. She's moving into a house with this new boyfriend and both have a bunch of kids. You made it sound like Joan is trying out new boyfriends all the time. At least in the kid's eyes. That along with the bacon and even MILF part doesn't fit this script.

Where are the other parents? The kid's other parents? That was a big gaping hole. It stood out by not even being mentioned.

Your writing was great, but you seriously need to check how often you use "as".

That's all I have for now. I will look this over later "as" I'm in a hurry right now.

Any q's, just fire away.

Good Luck at the pitch and I hope this can be of any help to you.

Pia  

Hey Brett

Thanks for your reply. I want to touch on the emotional moment(s) I was looking for because I may have explained that poorly.

When I became a bar owner, I had to learn how to become a DJ. No, I didn't spin records or sit there with headphones. I played MP3s. But I paid very close attention to what worked and what didn't. I learned how to build the energy of a crowd, by steps, to a feverish pitch. The formula was fairly simple, and yet it seemed to be uniquely our own. Humor me and let me explain it, then I will relate the relevance.

I would have a full house just starting to loosen up with some current hits played at modest volume. Then I would do a 180 on them, switch gears. I'd all of a sudden play something less clubby, more class rockish, something everyone knew the words to. Like Ac/DC shook me all night long. As the energy built to its peak about half way through that song, I'd fade out early and into a current dance hit. Loud. You could feel the energy jump. I'd play a few songs like that, then repeat the process. Maybe I'd play something really out of place, like Piano Man. Followed by the highest energy dance hit of the time.

I could build crowd energy to where it was basically a frenzy. Well behaved, but a frenzy. The idea is to kind of create an emotional roller coaster. Playing the rock ballad favorite served to really accentuate the energy of the dance hit.

When I am talking about adding emotional moments for your script, I am not suggesting making this sappy, or a tear fest. Think of a suspense thriller that keeps you on the edge of your seat. When comedy lines or moments are inserted, they really stand out because of the tension, and are funnier than they normally would be. But they do more than that. When the audience laughs, it releases tension that's been building. But what this does is it allows the next build up to reach a higher plateau. I don't know why, but it does, just as it does with the music formula. So by steps you lead your audience to a higher experience level.

There are different ways this can work, too. I mentioned how comedy breaks up tension, allows higher levels of tension. Well, tension, or sadness, can do the same for comedy. If, in the middle of a comedy, something sad or stressful happens, the comedy that follows is that much more powerful for the audience. I've never tried to explain this in words, so not sure if that makes sense.

So when I'm talking about hitting a powerful emotion, it doesn't have to be tears. It could be fear, or some other variation of stress or conflict. Every emotional punch you include will sharpen the audience's senses, draw them into the movie, and make them feel and appreciate all of the other elements much more.

I think those emotional moments stand out in a script, too, like landmarks. When someone reads your script, they will remember the general plot, and the characters. They will also remember those emotional punches if you have them.

Man, 18 months, huh? I've only been writing screen for 6 or 7 months. I've written 3 features, but I consider it more part of the development process, of learning how to write a screen. Hopefully. My first script was written on word, with little knowledge of format. My second script I learned basic formatting, and my third I got a basic hold on screen writing. What's left is to master the basic elements of story telling. I'm nearing completion of my 4th script, and hopefully I can start to do the things that create stronger story. The things I have been talking about, creating emotional punch, are not things I have done yet either. That's the next step.

Let us know how the rewrite goes when you start!

Quoted from Dreamscale I have to agree with this.  I think you need a much better and more recognizable Antag.

I'll agree in spirit, but not in severity.
They'll be no mustache twizzling maniacal nonsense here.
This simply isn't that kind of story. It's an ensemble character piece.

The Fratellis in The Goonies didn't add much zip to the story.
They did keep things moving for the most part though.
Gremlins only had Spike, a mild dislike between him and Gizmo.
Explorers had no villain at all, but I don't think that's a very successful film.
Heck, even Super 8 is essentially a benign critter that just wants to phone home.
Granted, it's rather cranky after decades of government capture and scrutiny.

However, I do agree that D, Figgis and the Gymnasties are a work in progress.
I'm edging them closer to being effective antags.
And they've developed a fair bit in the four subsequent drafts you haven't seen.

It's back to the grind after a weekend of shameless self promotion!

E.D.

Anther thing I found charming in Zombie Playground is the Rube Goldberg sort of quality in the vast number of characters and peculiar plot twists -- the improbable story moves along at an odd pace that is oddly fascinating.  Family ties, some unexpected, really do ground the  story, however, so no matter how complicated it gets, it's not just (purple) froth.

Brett,

I see you've already got four pages of feedback after just a few days.  Very impressive for a feature length script around here.  And congrats on completing another feature.  You already know I think you've got a great concept and catchy title here.

One question I had from the get go here is regarding the Bite product itself.  I didn't understand how it got this far along, well into the branding phase, without anyone at Fig understanding the terrible side effects.  I think I would have found it much more believable if this product was in the preliminary testing phase, where no one fully understood yet the nasty effect of the purple goo.

I think the first ten pages need to move much more quickly.  We're still at the Brewster house by page 13.  The story felt like it was just treading water here.  We need to get to that playground!  You introduce a dizzying amount of characters during the breakfast.  I found it hard to keep track of who was who.  Maybe give us a couple of the kids, let us get to understand who they are, and then intro some more at the playground.  I do have to agree with Pia about the "makin' bacon" line.  If you make no other adjustments before your pitchfest, I'd definitely ditch that.

One of the kid characters has to emerge as the lead.  Mason is the guy I was rooting for.  But, I'd give him a more complete arc.  Right now, he's the little guy who gets crapped on by his older siblings, but I'd like to really see a full character transformation in him by the end.

I did like Coach D and her dreaded gymnasties.  I think because the zombies form sort of a single mass antagonist, as in Dawn of the Dead,  having one particular antag isn't as important as having a strong lead.

The actual playground doesn't become a zombie playground until around page 40.  I think it might work better if you could find a way to have that be your turn into the second act, say right around page thirty.

I liked the second act best when you were able to keep it suspenseful but also lighthearted, like the escape scenes in the hamster cage and arcade.  This is when your script is at its best.  However, the cutbacks to the adults in FigLab gave the story a disjointed feel.  It's like you have a kid's movie going on at the playground and a more conventional horror/thriller at the labs.  The two storylines never quite meshed for me.

I loved that go-kart zombie roundup scene.  But, having the Bite wear off after eight hours, right on schedule, felt like a bit of a cop out.  I wanted these kids to come up with some brilliant solution to save the day.  Another poster mentioned the stakes need to be raised, and I would agree.  What if these zombies were somehow threatening to leave the confines of FigCorp.  What if mass amounts of Bite were about to be taste-tested somewhere else?  Just spitballing here.

To me, this is strictly a kid's movie.  And that's not an insult.  I just don't see many adults being too eager to see a film with such a kid-based concept.  So, in the rewrites, I would seriously steer the script much more in that direction.  Make Gil, Joan and Fig less prominent and give those pages over to the kids.  I think you've got a strong start here and this has real potential to be a saleable script.

Good luck at PF

Ryan

  

Quoted from James McClung Hey Brett. Read this as promised. Despite your warnings and me going in with an open mind, I was still completely caught off guard. This whole Figcorp world was as bizarre as anything I could've expected. Again, I'd be curious as to where the inspiration for this came from. The purple haired zombies were stranger still yet I could see how they came out of this world.

Hey James,

I think it's hilarious despite all my efforts and the poster, it didn't quite sink in.
Here I was thinking I was leading you on too much.
Or perhaps the poster was bit too on the nose. Heh.
I liked the idea of making a zombie friendly kids movie.
Since you asked the original idea was inspired by a piece of art I saw in 2009.
It depicted a zombie takeover of a playground.
Remaining human kids were huddled, defending themselves with makeshift weapons.
As straight up horror it would not work in my mind.
However, if I could swap out blood for goo, I thought it might work.
Toss in some consumerist satire a la Dawn of the Dead and off I went.

Quoted from James McClung Someone needs to lead. I'm in agreement about that.

Scott is developing into that role as the film goes on.
I'm at a loss for an opening scene to establish him better.
I need something, character centric, it just hasn't hit me yet.

Quoted from James McClung The whole prey vs. predator thing, I never quite understood. Would anyone really make kids do this?

I thought it was a fairly common group game, played a lot at summer camps, etc.
I also use it to juxtapose the zombie outbreak and have some thematic fun.

Quoted from James McClung I had no idea you were going for a family film until I was near finished. This put a lot of things into perspective (except the prey vs. predator... what?!). I wasn't sure it was even possible to write a family zombie film. But apparently it is. In this regard, I'll give you some kudos. This is true "thinking outside the box" and I think you've filled a niche that a lot of people wouldn't even think needs filling. So a very good call. And to be fair, this did have a lot of splatter. Obviously, not blood splatter but... splatter. When I wasn't reminded of Spy Kids and such, I was reminded of Gremlins, namely Gremlins 2. That flick also had a lot of goop as well as a silly corporation that's just too retarded to exist.

Hopefully the poster and leave behind document will assuage some confusion.
I got some kid oriented reviews on there as well. Heh.
It's different and homogenizes two recognizable genres not tried before.
Zombies are pretty hot and kid adventure is on the rise with Super 8 coming out.
This was my general thinking, gotta make a splash to get noticed.
You're right, I swapped gore for splatter, but to the same basic effect.
I hope it comes across that way.
I might ask you to review it now knowing what you know.
But if ensemble pics and Spy Kids type stuff isn't your thing, I understand.
Even as a "hater" you recognized the value of the concept, and that's fine too.
So yeah. Not for me. But I think you might have something here.

Quoted from James McClung - The circumstances of the marriage proposal was awkward. Really awkward. I'm not sure where else you might stick this in but where it is... eh. - This might be a little harsh but pages 30-40 felt straight monotonous to me. Nothing really progressed.

There's a lot of set up there that could probably be better handled.
It's a lot of plot threads and I'm working on tightening them up.
The marriage proposal is a polarizing scene.
Some of the coverage I got praised that absurd sequence.
But some SS members fill the same as you. It is what it is.
I'll keep an eye out for more notes on it though.

Quoted from James McClung - Liked the intercut on 65. - The reunion between Figgus and Coach D was strange and overly abrupt. You might think about adjusting it. Anyway, there you have it. Good luck at Pitchfest.

I assume you're referring to the battle prep intercut?
It's action heavy in parts, but what adventure picture isn't? Glad it worked for you.
Figgis and D is a work in progress.
Perhaps I'm being too precious with their "identities".

Thanks for all the notes, hopefully I'll make a decent impression at the con.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from CindyLKeller Hey Brett, Okay, I finished it.   I guess I'll give you the bad first and get it out of the way... Even though all the kids spoke differently, I still had a hard time remembering who was who and that, I think, is what held me back from really getting into this story. I think you have to have a main character. One that we can watch grow and change. You have that person. I believe that person should be Scott. Why him? Because his father is going to marry another woman and that woman has two kids. Scott had a change of heart for his father when he learned what he did for Mason, right? Well, I didn't get that he was all that upset with his father to begin with. He just went along with everything like the other kids did. I think you should make Scott more of a rebel. A loner. A tough kid on the outside  who hides his true feelings.

Ensemble pieces are tricky and I didn't make it easy on myself, all true.
Goonies has 7 kids. Sandlot 9. And Monster Squad 5.
I guess I chose seven because of The Goonies and Seven Samurai, heh.
You're right about Scott, I need a new opening scene with him.
There was one on page 3, but I merged with the argument scene.
Which I guess needs some work too, since it didn't come across for you.
I'm stumped for a character centric opener for him right now.
I might revisit some old notes and see if that sparks anything, thanks.

Quoted from CindyLKeller Have him be the one to save his soon to be stepbrother and sister (even though he doesn't know they are going to be related until the end). Make him actually care for his new family.

He does save Hanna and help save Steph and Mason in the cage.
And he does lead them to the fortress and rally the troops there.
And it is his anger that fuels the retaliation and eventual capture.
I feel like I'm missing a galvanizing first moment to establish him though.
I'll have to go back to the beginning as see what hits me.

Quoted from CindyLKeller I also believe you can get rid of the pigmy stuff at the beginning. You don't introduce Francis Figgis until page 15. I believe you should open on him in his lab, creating Bite. Experimenting with ingredients to see which would create a hunger for junk food. Make Figgis the antagonist instead of just the FigCorp. Maybe have a chart in the background showing this year's sales of snack foods going into the toilet.

The Pygmies are another polarizing point. Some SS'ers rail against him.
Yet, it's one thing I get unanimous praise for in the industry coverage. Go figure.
I'll keep this in mind though, many think it goes a long way to setting up the "rules".

Quoted from CindyLKeller On the good note, you have some witty dialogue and good action scenes. Well, that's my thoughts. Hope it helps. Good luck with this, Cindy

I tried to construct distinct voices and neat scenes for the kids.
I'm glad they worked for you.
Thanks for all the helpful notes.
Now, I've gotta psych myself out for the convention.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from rc1107 Hey Brett. Well, I guess I was wrong, since (that I saw) nobody has brought up the 'you know what' part I said that might offend a few people.  Maybe I was just looking into it a little too much. But you know how I am.  I just don't like to see people's moms talked about in MY scripts.

We all know how you feel about spastic mothers. Did I just type that?
Since you posted this a couple have, so thanks a lot! Heh.

Quoted from rc1107 This might not be a bad idea to work into your pitch somehow.  Something along the lines of 'The first family film with a whole lot of... um... well you know... let's just say it's the first family-splatter film.' Maybe a stupid idea.  I'm just throwing stuff out there for ya to think about.

The first family splatter film! Genius! Stolen. ^_^

E.D.


Final version of the leave behind that went to the printer this morning is posted.
It's the first comment on the thread, opinions always welcome!

the title of this script gave me the idea of doing a zombie script where the unleashed zombie virus has wiped out all the adults - and only pre-pubescent children are left in the world

Brett,

I forgot to comment on your poster. Your partner in crime did a fantastic job on it.

And after going back and taking another look at it, I saw Screenplay readers gave you coverage.

How was it?

Cindy

Quoted from Grandma Bear Brett, I see people are giving you a lot of input. Great! Mine will be short as I read this in places where I was unable to take proper notes. First of all I want to say that I'm very impressed with this being just your second feature and how you managed to string this story together. It's solid. Something I've never managed to do with a feature yet...maybe due to me also posting first drafts!

Hey Pia,

Thanks for the read, I really appreciate you fitting me in your busy schedule.
I wanted to try and polish up a decent draft for the site.
Active contributing members have helped me tons.
So, in return, I wanted to try and put together a decent read for folks.
Instead of just giving them my early draft messes.
The story had been marinating in my brain for 18 months.
I outlined, boarded and mapped it out after writing a long treatment.
All those steps helped me to string along the story.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Anyway, great writing and format. All I spotted was some missing words on pages 33 and 39 I think. So, in short, you did a GREAT job over all. The rest will be me complaining about some of the things that needs attention or tweaking IMHO.

I took care of those missing words, thanks.
Heh, I appreciate the kudos prior to the complaints.

Quoted from Grandma Bear First off, who is this intended for? As a parent of three, I have sat through countless of "family" films. Horrible ones as well as great ones. IMO, it's very hard to write something that will work for pretty much everyone. Writing something that is not offensive to anyone is not equal to writing something everyone will like. Disney and Pixar for example make great films that almost everyone will like. And to me it seemed like you tried too hard to cram stuff in there to appeal to everybody, but it becomes too busy and doesn't quite work.

You're right, I did cast a wide net to suggest a kitchen sink approach to appeal.
I thought it might help execs see the potential to go PG or PG-13.
This is definitely leaning towards the PG end of the spectrum.
But I did insert some slightly more risque PG type stuff.
It's quite surprising to see how much innuendo PG films get away with.

Quoted from Grandma Bear There are way too many characters in this piece. Even for an ensemble cast. I can't say I connected with anyone. I probably thought Mason was the cutest and most charming, but other than that no one else stood out with their personality. They were just names on the pages. It's almost like you tried to cover every single age group in this cast. Which brings me to the target audience again. Who is this for?

It's aimed at the 6 - 12 male and female crowd.
Teaching the value of family by having the adults involved as well.
Ensembles are tricky, I have been making character tweaks all week.
I'm trying to bring Scott into focus better as a lead protag.
I tried to give each kid their own voice, sorry it didn't come across for you.
Monster Squad did 5. Goonies 7 and Sandlot was 9 kids.  I'll keep at it.

Quoted from Grandma Bear IMHO, it is not clever or witty enough to keep an adult interested. At least not me. Again, study some of the big studios and how they manage to keep the adults entertained at a higher level that goes over the kids heads. Lots of those films have a lot of innuendo and can be very suggestive, but don't sink to the level of having a mother say she and her boyfriend are heading into the bedroom to make bacon. Cringe!! Is what I did when I read that. It doesn't fit this story.

Point taken, I've rewritten those lines to be a bit less, bombastic.
Innuendo is something I'm working on, it's fairly new to me on the page.

Quoted from Grandma Bear I also didn't think this would keep teenagers (14 and up) interested. IMO, the very young crowd is probably who this would work best for. It reminded me quite a bit of that Nickelodeon show that had a lot of green slime in it. I forgot the name. But that's about how this looked to me.

That's pretty much the target right there, a family "splatter" adventure.
It's not something for teens, as written. If a producer want to up it to PG-13, I could.
As written, it's focused on the younger kids.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Second problem I had here was the lack of a real feel of tension and suspense. I felt that there really wasn't that much at risk. I'm not sure little kids are even gonna feel it. What's the worst that will happen? Not enough at stake here. I would have liked to see someone from the protag side being in real jeopardy. Something. Being vomited on and possibly turning into a vomiting being themself is bad, but not bad enough.

That's a pretty good idea to kick around.
I wanted to stay away from the whole world danger outbreak type stuff.
I felt confining it to a playground would be more suitable peril.
It's something I'm open to adjusting, should there be interest.

Quoted from Grandma Bear I also didn't like that someone said Joan's other boyfriend did this or that. She's moving into a house with this new boyfriend and both have a bunch of kids. You made it sound like Joan is trying out new boyfriends all the time. At least in the kid's eyes. That along with the bacon and even MILF part doesn't fit this script.

Good points, I adjusted the bacon business at the boyfriend thing.
I hadn't thought of it that way before, thanks.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Where are the other parents? The kid's other parents? That was a big gaping hole. It stood out by not even being mentioned.

They return at five to pick up the kids.
They are all the angry folks trying to get into the locked playground.
Perhaps I need to be clearer about that, thanks.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Your writing was great, but you seriously need to check how often you use "as". That's all I have for now. I will look this over later "as" I'm in a hurry right now. Any q's, just fire away. Good Luck at the pitch and I hope this can be of any help to you. Pia

LoL, guilty "as" charged. I can scale that back a bit.
You did get the young family genre right. I'm glad for that.
The director of Gremlins, Explorers and Small Soldiers has a company attending.
And in their con manifest, they are looking for this kind of film.
They described it as, "fresh genre bending family films".
So, I'll definitely polish my pitch and meet with that company.
As well as manager and talent agencies.
The consensus seems to be a manager is more needed to start, than an agent.

Should be quote an adventurous weekend!
Thanks for your insights and effort.

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from leitskev Hey Brett I think those emotional moments stand out in a script, too, like landmarks. When someone reads your script, they will remember the general plot, and the characters. They will also remember those emotional punches if you have them. Man, 18 months, huh? I've only been writing screen for 6 or 7 months. I've written 3 features, but I consider it more part of the development process, of learning how to write a screen. Hopefully. My first script was written on word, with little knowledge of format. My second script I learned basic formatting, and my third I got a basic hold on screen writing. What's left is to master the basic elements of story telling. I'm nearing completion of my 4th script, and hopefully I can start to do the things that create stronger story. The things I have been talking about, creating emotional punch, are not things I have done yet either. That's the next step. Let us know how the rewrite goes when you start!

Hey Kev!

All good points about those emotional moments. It's something I believe in.
I strive for that, such as having a wedding proposal during a zombie attack.
Or Gil complaining about airfare because he doesn't want to see Joan's mother.
The kids taking issue with the zombies being better at video games, etc.
I'm working on it and will try to take your words to heart, thanks.

Well, I didn't work on ZP 18 months straight.
I wrote a thirty page treatment in late 2009.
Let the idea kick around in my head, the rewrote the treatment in summer 2010.
With PitchFest coming and the release of Super 8 coinciding, I saw a window.
Might be a good time to develop ZP into a feature script for this event.
I boarded the story the last two weeks of March.
Just sat around and immersed myself in the characters and plot.
Then wrote a 100 page first draft in April. 25 pages a week.
Since then, I've been rewriting and refining ever since.
Heh, maybe I should start a ZP development thread, heh.
Looking back, it's quite a lot of work to build up to the actual pages.
I'm rewriting every day, there's already been a new draft this week.
I may refine some more, then likely upload again.

Thanks for your extensive and useful thoughts and comments.
It's time to see who's got the long pants and wade into battle!

Regards,
E.D.

Ryan, great comments! Will reply as con schedule allows.

Quoted from c m hall Anther thing I found charming in Zombie Playground is the Rube Goldberg sort of quality in the vast number of characters and peculiar plot twists -- the improbable story moves along at an odd pace that is oddly fascinating.  Family ties, some unexpected, really do ground the  story, however, so no matter how complicated it gets, it's not just (purple) froth.

Hey Cathy!

I dig your Goldberg reference. A lot!
I did try to add a clockwork type of askew precision to the plot movement.
You have a very keen eye for the peculiar.
And yes, ultimately, this is a tale about family coming together, no doubt.
That's for such eloquent words of encouragement.

The director of Gremlins, Explorers and Small Soldiers is represented at the con.
You better believe I'll be in that queue to pitch ZP!

Regards,
E.D.

Actually, I meant the parents to Joan and Gil's kids. Their ex's.  

Don't be nervous about the pitch. I went to one in LA 2 years ago. It was major production companies, studios and Television companies. I was very nervous at first, but there was no need to. They where all super nice and easy going. The only thing is that they know exactly what they are looking for and they know if you have what they're looking for or not in less than one minute. I saw many people walk away from there depressed.  At that time, comedies were hot. Almost everyone that had a comedy script got read. I met some people there that I still keep contact with. They were all told that their scripts were great, but....could they turn it into a television script? A series? and so on. To this day they've spent countless hours rewriting like mad in the hope to sell their scripts, but nothing ever happened. It's a very tough business. Be strong and thick skinned and have fun....  I did!  

Best of luck, Brett!  Knock 'em dead, kid...knock 'em dead!!!!

Be yourself, be cool and confident, and you never know what will go down.

Keep us informed.  We're all rooting for you!!!!

Quoted from Grandma Bear Actually, I meant the parents to Joan and Gil's kids. Their ex's.   Don't be nervous about the pitch. I went to one in LA 2 years ago. It was major production companies, studios and Television companies. I was very nervous at first, but there was no need to. They where all super nice and easy going. The only thing is that they know exactly what they are looking for and they know if you have what they're looking for or not in less than one minute. I saw many people walk away from there depressed.  At that time, comedies were hot. Almost everyone that had a comedy script got read. I met some people there that I still keep contact with. They were all told that their scripts were great, but....could they turn it into a television script? A series? and so on. To this day they've spent countless hours rewriting like mad in the hope to sell their scripts, but nothing ever happened. It's a very tough business. Be strong and thick skinned and have fun....  I did!

Thanks, Pia!

Day one was interesting, much smaller than I thought, about 600 attendees.
I'm looking at a mix of managers, agents and production companies.
So, the only film companies I have time to pitch are looking for what I have.
One company in attendance is run by a director that make films that inspired ZP.
So, you can bet I'll pay them a visit once I got my game on!

Regards,
E.D.

Quoted from Dreamscale Best of luck, Brett!  Knock 'em dead, kid...knock 'em dead!!!! Be yourself, be cool and confident, and you never know what will go down. Keep us informed.  We're all rooting for you!!!!

Day one done.
Very chill. Good class. Good schwag.
Great location, very convenient.
Small attendance, 600+, very low key crowd.

I'm sure on Sunday it will be a madhouse when the execs arrive.
Got a full slate of classes today.
It seemed to me I was very well prepared compared to many writers I spoke to.
Loved the leave behind and concepts, etc.
Orchestrated a roundtable of pratice pitching with 7 writers in the bar. Fun!

Regards,
E.D.

I'll get to more reviews soon, guys, thanks for the reads!

E.D.

Knock em dead! best of luck with this.

I'm sorry I couldnt add more to this, but my work schedule changed and I simply ran out of time.

What I did get to has a definite good family film vibe to it.

This is a good idea.  But off the bat I would say your dialogue needs an overhaul.  You need to leave more room for subtext.  I.E. characters not saying everything that is in their head yet the reader gets a feeling of what they are thinking.  Example:

GIL
Sure, we can start being a family
next weekend. But wait, I almost
forgot, next Sunday we have focus
groups for FigCorp’s new ointment.
Joan looks through her schedule book.
JOAN
Ha-ha, very funny.

Would sound more natural if you said:

(the dialogue before this part staying the same)

GIL
Sure, we can start being a family next weekend.

JOAN
Ha-ha, very funny.

You have already stated they are busy people so Gil saying all that stuff after "weekend" makes the dialogue clunky.  Leave that for the audience to interpret.  We're smart.  We know what he means.  There are lots of bits of dialogue like that were if you cut a few words here and there it would improve things.  I would say anywhere you have a paragraph of dialogue (three lines or more) you could cut it down at least half of the time.  Just my opinion.  The more white on a page the better.  Good story though.