Hi,
Haven't met you but I wanted to chime in on your script.
First rattle out of the bag is this is written pretty well my friend.
I hope you check in.
The opening line was sweet. But if I had my way, I would have cut that last part.
MALE VOICE (O.S.)
You’re wearing that? I wouldn’t be
caught dead in that thing. Unless I
killed myself because I couldn’t
get out of it.
To--
MALE VOICE (O.S.)
You’re wearing that? I wouldn’t be
caught dead in that thing. Unless I
killed myself.
Just seems pithier and it seems that was what you were going for.
You don't have to
BOLD so much either.
your writing is good and to be honest, the
BOLDING kind of takes from it. If you know what I mean.
Also give us smaller bites--
This is a BIG BITE...
An opulent MANSION bathes in accent lights that show the outline of JUAN CASTILLO, 22, dirty, sweaty, GARDENER, as he walks with his BLOWER in front of the beat-up PICK-UP TRUCK sitting on the driveway amongst Malibu lights and lush palms. The drive winds around to the back.
Break these up. Everything you want to say is there. you just need to cut the fat out...so to speak.
An opulent MANSION bathes in accent lights. JUAN CASTILLO, 22, dirty, sweaty, GARDENER, walks with his BLOWER in front of the beat-up PICK-UP TRUCK.
Out of those 3 lines, you can get it done in 1-1/2 or 2 and still make it pop and get your point across where the reader understands what you're wanting to say.
If you notice, I didn't change anything. I just took out the fluff.
Which leads me to the page count, my friend.
113 ...comedy...equals...overwritten...
If you were to simply go through the action lines and give them a trim, you would get to nice clean 90-95 pages super quick.
Hope some of this helps.
Best of writing.
Shawn.....><