People's Parties by Ben Clifford - Comedy - Two self-involved, entitled millenials face an unexpected pregnancy, a suicide attempt and disastrous sexual escapades in an attempt to forge identities and be "real adults". 81 pages - pdf, format

Thanks for getting this up Don!

I'd appreciate any reads on this. I'm Australian so it may have some localisms - sorry.

Specifically, how is the structure? Is it hard to follow, or just aimless?

Thank you.

Also...I just noticed my mispelling of disastrous in the logline. Can I change that, somehow?

I took a squiz at this one although the genre isnt really my thing.  Surprisingly I breezed through about 25 pages due to the writing being good and the dialog having great punch.
A couple of thoughts if I may...
Sammy seemed to move on real quick from Ted which to me contributed to the sex in the script feeling a bit empty. Maybe that's what you are going for or its to contrast a more emotional side of things later. Also some of the sex scenes might be on the tricky side to shoot without being too graphic for ratings boards ...directors problem.
A lot of scripts seem to have characters ordering food/ drink early on ...not the most cinematic thing.
Still ...as a fellow Aussie, you are far ahead of a lot of local writers I've read.

Thanks so much Jez! I appreciate you giving  25 pages a read.

You're right about the food/drink thing...haha sometimes I felt like I was writing a cooking show. It's just a lazy way to push a scene forward.

Cheers!

No probs. Sorry I haven't got time to read it all.

Hey man. Some feedback.

Now, I'm not going to bombard you with typos and formatting errors, although there are a few that you will probably pick up in the next edit. But.. there are some things I will point out:

1) Don't use numbers in dialogue. Spell the number out. I know it's stupid, but that's how people prefer it. It doesn't matter a fuck to me as long as I can read it. Just thought I'd let you know.

2) Get rid of the (con't) with a character names when talking. They're annoying to most readers.

3) When Sammy goes to Janet's party and they hug, you introduce Janet (who we already know) as - Dan's friend from work -. Any reader that is actually paying attention to the script, doesn't need to be reminded. You do this a few times, so I won't mention it again.

4) There are a few lines where you tell us stuff instead of showing us. Screenwriting is all about showing, not telling. So I've been told. For example: On page 53, you tell us Kara is Sammy's sister. Not only is it obvious that Kara is her sister, but you smack us in the face with it again in the description of Kara. Show us a picture of the two, arm in arm at Sammy's graduation or something along those lines so we have a visual on the fact their sisters. Or even have Sammy say "Hey, sis" when she see's Kara. Subtlety is your friend in screenwriting, you have to trust that the reader/viewer isn't a retard.

There is also a lot of passive writing weeding itself into your script. Also, very frowned upon. http://reelauthors.com/screenplay-coverage/screenwriting-present-tense-and-active-voice.php
Check that link out. It is a brilliant site on active vs passive writing.

Now for the story:

It's interesting. It's definitely not my kind of thing. As you can probably tell, I'm into violence, mean people and bad language. In saying that, I didn't not like it. It's something I wouldn't tell my friends was a bad movie, but also wouldn't go out of my way to watch it again. It kind of had a Juno feel to it. Didn't like the movie, but it killed it with the critics and award. That's just my opinion. I also hate horrors and anything with Keanu Reeves.

There are some hilarious moments. I like that you didn't try to be funny with quirky lines and cliché come-backs. Your humour is shown subtlety with action which makes it soo much funnier. Heath pumping away despite not being inside Sammy was fucking hilarious. I pictured it in my head and actually lol'd. There were a few times I laughed during the script which of course is a very good thing because I'm not easily entertained.

I like Dan and Sammy. They're different in their own ways. They have their own kind of charisma that separates them from the typical young adults you see in movies today. Sammy kind of reminded me of Amy from Trainwreck. Nice job on the characters.

One thing, I couldn't really get my head around, was how easily Sammy got over Ted. I mean, he just shot a load on her chest then pretty much told her to fuck off. Why? Sammy is a bit crazy, a bit boisterous in a way. Perhaps that was what drove Ted away? Or maybe he's the crazy one? I think it would be a good idea to add a bit more to that note. And then, I was expecting Ted to come back into the story somehow, but he never did. You had a solid antagonist there and he just kind of fizzled out.

There are a few random parts which you need to add on to or get rid of. Like Kyleah. She was an interesting character, but she didn’t do anything for the story, or Dan, or Sammy. With the amount of time we spend getting to know her, she also, just fizzles out. Who was she and why was she there? Same with the part where Dan speaks to his mum. It was random and if you removed it, it wouldn’t affect the story one bit. If you find scenes you can remove without affecting the story; you should get rid of it. Or work with it.

An example with Kyleah: Get rid of the scene of her telling Dan about her dream and replace it with her running into Dan and Sammy out at lunch or something. There Sammy will see how miserable Kyleah is with her kid, which will then give reason as to why Sammy wanted the abortion so desperately. That way Kyleah is a major factor in the story. That of course is just an example.

I get the whole thing you’re going for about Dan and Sammy trying to be adults, but at the end of the day they didn’t really seem to learn anything from their journey’s. In this type of story, we want to see the characters grow and hopefully find their feet. You give them such an interesting story together, but by the end of it I was wondering what the hell it was all about? The characters are in the exact same position at the end of story as what they were at the start. Character growth is something you need to address into this story. At the moment, we are just seeing two people nosey through with life with no real goals. Ask yourself, what do they want? Who do they want to be? Give them goals and set up obstacles for them to overcome to reach those goals.

I’d suggest you spend some time with this script. It’s got a tonne of potential and with the right attitude and persistence, you could turn it into something quite amazing.

I am by no means a professional, so don’t be disheartened by the negatives. Take what you agree with and disregard the rest. This is all based on my opinion and what I would do with the script.

I also see your 22 and from North QLD. I’m 25 and from the Gold Coast. It’s good to see someone on this board that’s younger than me for once. And from QLD! You’re still young and you have a lot of talent. Keep at it and someday you WILL BE the next Tarantino!

Thanks X 1000, this is really helpful stuff. I appreciate that you read the whole thing. I'm also glad it made you laugh. Most of the shit in this script happened to me or a friend in one way or another, so it's good to know I can turn my tragedy into comedy xd

Re: Kyleah -- yeah I don't know. I was trying to mirror that whole dissatisifaction with personality, roles etc in Dan, but I didn't make it explicit enough. My bad. I honestly don't know how to fix that, so I guess that character will have to go.

I guess I was trying to get across were these really narcisstic, self-absorbed character, who by nature learn nothing and achieve little. I guess it's not good fodder for comedy, but I was watching movies like Margot at the Wedding, etc, so I thought it was acceptable to do haha. I'm too attached to the characters and plot to rewrite this properly (I've tried) so I have to leave it for a while.

And yeah, QLD's a real hole, right?

Thanks again! Incredibly helpful.

Quoted Text And yeah, QLD's a real hole, right?

No, no, just Townsville. I actually feel a little bit sorry for you haha.

Quoted from Warren No, no, just Townsville. I actually feel a little bit sorry for you haha.

Wash your mouth out! I love Townsville! Going there next week for a wedding  

Ha, I still have nightmares about that place from when I was in the army.

Sorry, AlsoBen, not trying to derail your thread.

This script is on my list to read at some point, just have a few more lined up and I'll get stuck in.

Quoted from Warren No, no, just Townsville. I actually feel a little bit sorry for you haha.

I appreciate your sympathies

Hey AlsoBen,

Page 3 - Try to keep away from using numbers in dialogue. Try to spell them out. There are exceptions, specifically long numbers or addresses, but, especially to start the dialogue, spell it out.

Page 5 - "you didn’t hang up the properly"... you forgot "phone". Or you can just cut out "the".

Page 8 - "You can’t break up with me in the
same minute you came on my tits!
That’s not how an adult
relationship works."

Funny!

Page 9 - the MINI-SLUG, SAMMY'S HOUSE - BEDROOM. You can just say BEDROOM.

Quoted Text INT. COUNSELOR’S OFFICE - DAY Dan sits in a comfy chair across from his trainee psychologist, SUSAN. Susan is about Dan’s age, professional. Dan is dressed in work clothes, and speaks slowly to Susan.

You make it sound like Dan is a psychologist at first and Susan is his trainee.

Later in that scene -- Oh, so Dan is a psychologist (or psychiatrist) and she IS his trainee?

Then later... he's in social services?

Page 15 -

Quoted Text OUTSIDE: Her car has driven up the driveway haphazardly, parked diagonally, half on the grass.

This is worded strangely. Not sure what I'm looking at. Maybe "Her car is parked crookedly, half on the grass".

Also, maybe STOMPS instead of STAMPS. I thought she put a mailing stamp on it at first.

Page 17 -

Quoted Text Night has fallen out the window.

Strange wording. You already mention NIGHT in the slug, no need to mention it again. Maybe just "moonlight shines through the window" or something.

No need to remind us that Janet is Dan's friend from work. We get it. We saw her only a few scenes ago.

Page 24 - Kind of odd that Sammy and Dan are no longer friends... but they act like they are. And he invites her to sleep over pretty quickly without really making amends. Perhaps they're just quirky and had that type of friendship before. Still, seems a little bit forced. Especially after "Good night, my love". Initially, they seemed like they don't like each other. Then Dan does something pretty mean. And then they're friends again. I'd work on that dynamic a little bit.

He slams his own hand in the drawer. Is this like alcoholic who wear a rubber band around their wrists and make themselves feel pain? Or when someone cuts themselves? If so, it's pretty interesting. Though we see none of that up to this point. So it feels out of the blue.

Okay, up to page 27.

So far, it's a very smooth read with breezy dialogue. I won't further comment much on the writing, though you could mix it up with the vocabulary a little bit (instead of she drives, maybe she cruises... or something like that)>

As for the story, we have two characters in Dan and Sammy who are each going through their own shit. I understood that there was a parallel between these characters but we don't see their connection until after page 20. And the reveal isn't really much of a reveal. I was expecting some sort of build-up to something, but we come to find out that they were friends back in the day and aren't anymore. And then they are again pretty quickly.

I liked the dialogue on the most part and the characters seemed pretty fleshed out. But I have no idea what this story is about really. Not to say nothing happens. Plenty happens to these characters. But that's just it -- stuff happens to them. And we're really not sure where this is going, exactly. Now, I'm not telling you to be predictable, but there doesn't seem to be a clear direction as to where this story is going.

But I'll continue on after work tonight -- the read is pretty fast and I like the characters overall, mainly because we, (most of the audience) kinda know people like this. So, we can identify with them a little bit. They seem real.

Will comment further later when I get home!

-- Michael

Thanks for this Spesh. Glad you found it funny.

Quoted Text You make it sound like Dan is a psychologist at first and Susan is his trainee. Later in that scene -- Oh, so Dan is a psychologist (or psychiatrist) and she IS his trainee? Then later... he's in social services?

Good point, that sounds confusing. Dan is her client, she's just a trainee to explain her young age. Dan has a similar job but he works in a different field (this is why she fires him as a client -- it's called a "dual relationship" in therapy parlance). I'll clarify this.

Quoted Text Page 24 - Kind of odd that Sammy and Dan are no longer friends... but they act like they are. And he invites her to sleep over pretty quickly without really making amends. Perhaps they're just quirky and had that type of friendship before. Still, seems a little bit forced. Especially after "Good night, my love". Initially, they seemed like they don't like each other. Then Dan does something pretty mean. And then they're friends again. I'd work on that dynamic a little bit.

I don't know. I know lots of people like this who are all over the place. It's kind of the point of the characters that they're both so insular and spiteful that they're awful friends.

Quoted Text He slams his own hand in the drawer. Is this like alcoholic who wear a rubber band around their wrists and make themselves feel pain? Or when someone cuts themselves? If so, it's pretty interesting. Though we see none of that up to this point. So it feels out of the blue.

The opening scene demonsrrated a self-destructive streak, doesn't it? Along with the fact he's in therapy. Self-harm is relatively common among the mentally ill so I don't think it's too out there.

Quoted Text I liked the dialogue on the most part and the characters seemed pretty fleshed out. But I have no idea what this story is about really. Not to say nothing happens. Plenty happens to these characters. But that's just it -- stuff happens to them. And we're really not sure where this is going, exactly. Now, I'm not telling you to be predictable, but there doesn't seem to be a clear direction as to where this story is going.

Thanks for this, it captures a good problem with the script I wasn't seeing. I'll work on it.

I look forward to the rest of your feedback!

Alright, all finished. Now, before I comment further...

Quoted Text The opening scene demonsrrated a self-destructive streak, doesn't it? Along with the fact he's in therapy. Self-harm is relatively common among the mentally ill so I don't think it's too out there.

True. But there are a lot of self-destructive people out there, but not everybody cuts themselves or slams their hands in drawers. It happens, I used to do it myself at a younger age (banging my head). But, in the context of a film, it does seem out of the blue. Everyone has had a sexual encounter they feel ashamed about at some point. But not everyone slams their hands in drawers, know what I mean? If I watch "As Good As It Gets" and, a half-hour into the film, we see Jack Nicholson doing some OCD shit for the first time, like stepping over cracks on the sidewalk, would that not seem out of the blue? Plenty of people are neurotic, but not all of them step over cracks on sidewalks.

Now, onto the rest of the story...

Page 26 -

Quoted Text She begins to walk towards the door. Other BUSINESS PEOPLE mill about, heading to work.

Try to stay away from begins. She either walks towards the door or she doesn't. Maybe "She starts towards the door".

Page 27 -

Quoted Text Sammy is interviewed by a HIRING MANAGER and a SUPERVISOR, both middle aged, serious men, dressed very business casual. She sits across from both of them, who are reading from a folder clearly containing Sammy’s CV and credentials. If this were a cartoon, Sammy would be green with nausea.

Try to break this up a little bit. And don't tell us it's an interview, show us.

Sammy sits nervously across from --

A SUPERVISOR and a HIRING MANAGER, both middle-aged, dressed casually.

They look over her job portfolio.

Or something like that.

Okay, I'm going to comment mainly on story from here on out.

Page 37 -

The doctor departs, leaving the gown and sliding across a
curtain.

Again, it's an easy read, but I've seen this quite a few times -- you could definitely work on your sentence structure and your way with arranging words.

This may seem nitpicky, but it helps dictate what we see in the order we see it.

The doctor leaves a gown on the bed and exits, sliding the curtain shut behind her.

Also, "sliding across a curtain" is worded strangely. Maybe "sliding the curtain shut".

I know, I didn't pick the most obvious example, but I noticed it quite a few times and tried looking past it. But I had to say something. Again, may seem nitpicky, but it does effect the read.

Okay, I'm at page 40. So far, this seems to lack focus. Your two main characters are in one-two scenes together pretty much from around page 20-25. And then we dovetail into their own stories again -- before that, their stories kind of built towards them sharing time (though there wasn't much of a build-up or pay-off to them being connected). And I don't really see the parallels between their own separate stories. This feels like it should be two different films. But, I'll read on...

Page 41 -

They finally share screen time again!

Quoted Text EXT. MELBOURNE AIRPORT - DAY Dan and Sammy stand outside the arrivals terminal a huge, busy airport. They both carry a weekend’s worth of luggage. They await a taxi.

Again, sentence structure. The order of the visuals.

Quoted Text EXT. MELBOURNE AIRPORT - TERMINAL B - DAY

Mention the terminal location in the scene heading. That way, you don't have to mention it in the description. You can focus on the visuals.

Then give a brief description of what we see, the setting.

Quoted Text EXT. MELBOURNE AIRPORT - TERMINAL B - DAY Hustle and bustle, a constant revolving door of PEOPLE leaving and going, hauling luggage.

And then the focus on the characters and what they're doing.

EXT. MELBOURNE AIRPORT - TERMINAL B - DAY

Hustle and bustle, a constant revolving door of PEOPLE leaving and going, hauling luggage.

Dan and Sammy wait at the curb with their luggage, waving for a cab.

Page 50 -

Dialogue from the abortion clinic (the Nurse) overlaps into the next scene as a voice over as Joel kisses Dan on the lips.

Quoted Text NURSE (V.O) The doctor is making sure no materials remain in you uterus. Sometimes that happens.

But why do you use this overlapping dialogue here? I don't see the relation between that v.o. and this scene in particular. I don't see any parallel meaning.

Page 51 -

I'm noticing that the writing is becoming sloppier as the story progresses, as if you were rushing through to finish it. It's not as clean and smooth as the first 30 pages or so.

Quoted Text Dan lays on his back on Joel’s bed. Joel takes of his shirt manically, likewise removing Dan’s. Dan turns to his side, taking his pants off. From this angle, he spies a framed photo on Joel’s bedside. It features Joel and a pretty young woman, presumably MARIA, standing in some holiday destination.

Break this up -- each paragraph is a camera shot. When you switch focus (or change camera shots, focus of action), jump to another paragraph to emphasize what we should be seeing at that moment of screen time.

And the sentence structure is sloppy here, too. Worded strangely.

Page 54 -

Quoted Text The children’s mother, KARA, in her late twenties, a chubby and overworked woman, heads in from the kitchen. She is Sammy’s sister, but you couldn’t tell.

If we can't tell, then how would we, the audience, know? Remember, this a script for a FILM. We're seeing this. How could we tell unless you have graphics on screen telling us that she is Sammy's sister? SHOW us. Same with "the children's mother"... SHOW us that she is their mother.

And on page 57, we have a scene with Kara and Sammy. Then we go to a scene with Dan on Facebook finding out that Joel blocked him, interrupting the scene between Kara and Sammy. Then we're back to the scene with Kara and Sammy. There doesn't seem to be any order here -- the stories have no relation. So why are we jumping back and forth between them? Not only do they not have any relation in a concrete kind of way, but there is no relation or parallel in an abstract, ideological kind of way. Their separate stories do not share any meaning, any similar theme. It just feels unbalanced.

Page 60 -

Okay, there seems to be some sign of a parallel here -- Dan with Morro, who he met at a party. Sammy with Kyle, who she met at work. And neither encounter goes particularly well. This is the first time in the script where the different stories share a similar theme/scenario.

Page 64 -

Quoted Text RICH (OS) I don’t give a fuck! You didn’t flush, you pig. There’s shit in the toilet!

Eh, the shit jokes/toilet humor dialogue is wearing a bit thin. This isn't quite a comedy really, more like a drama with some funny dialogue sprinkled throughout. But this is the third (or fourth) bit of dialogue that had to do with shitting. The comedic bits are kind of one-trick pony-ish.

Page 73 -

[img]EXT. HOSPITAL - PARKING - NIGHT
The sun is rising. Danny and Sam reach the visitor car park.
The wind blows Dan’s gown, revealing his bare arse.[/img]

If the sun is rising, then it is no longer NIGHT.

OVERALL:

Yeah, man, this seemed to lack focus. The weakness here is definitely the structure. Which is a shame because you have two very real characters here going through real struggles. By the way, this should probably be in the drama section. There's funny dialogue here and there, but to be considered a true comedy, there should be comedic scenarios. And there really isn't any. I guess it could be considered a dramedy -- it felt like you were going for a "Skeleton Twins" or "Greenberg" kind of vibe. But the two separate stories didn't have clear themes that connected them. It felt like two different films -- though they have a similar tone, they don't have similar themes, similar scenarios. And there isn't a stark contrast between each story, either, no irony -- e.g. one character has an abortion, another character in their own story can't get pregnant, etc.

As I mentioned, there's no structure or meaning (that I could see) in the scenes. They just felt thrown in there. Dan with the social case, holding a child, giving a young mother advice... why is that here? It doesn't seem to really fit in thematically or logically with anything that happens. Not every film has to have a super strong plot. You can have character-studies with thin plots (Taxi Driver, Goodfellas -- I know those are completely different in tone, but you know what I mean). But the stories had focus. You jump from a scene with Sammy to another scene with Dan that has absolutely no connection. It just felt a bit jumbled to me. You have good characters here... they just need either a better story or stories that are more connected to the other. They need to have more in common that just the fact that each character is a mess. As of now, this is just 81 pages of random scenes almost. If felt rushed... and I could see some of that in the quality of the writing, too. It was a smooth, pretty clean read for the first 30 pages or so. Then the writing got sloppier as the story progressed.

It's pretty late, so if I think of anything else, I'll comment further. Again, I liked the characters, but there needs to be more structure and organization. And there should be some kind of story to build off of rather than just tossing in random trial-and-tribulation scenes. I'd also suggest getting to the Dan/Sammy story earlier rather than waiting until page 20 to see that there is an actual connection between them.

-- Michael