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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Prophets Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: October 29th, 2017, 2:06pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Prophets by Chad Huggins - Comedy, Adventure, Caper - Death, the leader of The Four Horsemen Of The Apocalypse, is bored and figures it's as good as time as any to bring on Armageddon. 96 pages

contest: 2010 Action On Film Festival Finalist/Writebros Software Excellence in Comedy, 2010 StoryPros International Screenplay Semi-Finalist, 2011 Hollywood Screenplay Contest Finalist, 2013 ScreenCraft Comedy Script Contest Semi-Finalist, 2013 The Happy Writers Contest Quarter Finalist, 2013 New York Screenplay Contest Finalist - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.


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JakeJon
Posted: November 4th, 2017, 9:13am Report to Moderator
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Hi Don,
My weekend read.  Not happening.
Pages 4 - 10 missing.

JJ
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eldave1
Posted: November 4th, 2017, 7:55pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from JakeJon
Hi Don,
My weekend read.  Not happening.
Pages 4 - 10 missing.

JJ


Yes - there is a mystery here -


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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ChadH
Posted: November 12th, 2017, 6:14pm Report to Moderator
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Don was able to correct the upload error (thanks again Don), so the full script with all of the pages is available to read.  I wrote this script, so open to any and all feedback.  Thanks

Revision History (1 edits)
ChadH  -  November 13th, 2017, 1:09am
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eldave1
Posted: November 13th, 2017, 12:00pm Report to Moderator
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A real nit: but


Quoted Text
EXT. OCEAN - NIGHT


Since you are using a line anyway - why not at least tell us a little more: e.g.,

EXT. MIDDLE OF PACIFIC OCEAN - NIGHT

or whatever is correct based on where we are.


Quoted Text
The SOUND of HELICOPTERS hovering overhead permeates the
darkness.


Another nit - but wouldn't their "lights" - rather than sound permeate the darkness. I assume they are not flying dark.


Quoted Text
RADIO #2 (V.O.)
If you do, notify immediately and
deliver to Coast Guard. Heís the
one who ran the ship aground.


Way too on the nose - intro that plot point more naturally as the story unfolds.

I didn't buy any of the dining hall scene - that just doesn't and wouldn't happen. It's a luxury cruise ship with attendants, guards and the like - they are not going to let a bunch of sailors run rough shod over their passengers.  The entire scene was pretty unrealistic and I don't think needed. You can show them starving/in need of food - quickly eating it at their tables without making them basically pirates.


Quoted Text
The sailorís cell phone rings.


Cell phones don't work in out at the ocean

Now onto the lab scene on page 3 and am afraid I am out.  Entirely implausible. A researcher can't sneeze through his face shield - a man pushing a cart would never be let into a room like that, etc. etc.  It was an entirely unbelievable scenario.

I think you need to spend some time examining the logic of your plot points - they had me leaving the story very early - maybe true of others as well

All the best - good luck




My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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