Quoted from Pleb I was reeled in by the log line but only read so far as it's not really my cup of tea. However, I thought the writing was really decent. I'll keep an eye out for anything else you post up in the future. Cheers Max

Well, thanks for the look in, Max. Truly understand the cup of tea thing - I have a hard time with horror by the way of example - just not an enjoyable genre for me.

You're welcome mate.

Ever heard of a guy called Doug Stanhope? American comedian. When I was reading it that guy kept popping into my head.

Wondered if it was someone like him who you had in mind whilst writing.

Cheers

Max

Quoted from Pleb You're welcome mate. Ever heard of a guy called Doug Stanhope? American comedian. When I was reading it that guy kept popping into my head. Wondered if it was someone like him who you had in mind whilst writing. Cheers Max

No - have not heard of him - I was thinking of a mash-up between Bill Burr and Steve Carrell

Quoted from eldave1 No - have not heard of him - I was thinking of a mash-up between Bill Burr and Steve Carrell

With a few changes Ricky Gervais was literally made for this role!

Quoted from Warren With a few changes Ricky Gervais was literally made for this role!

Oooh - that is a good one!

Dave, finished your script. Sorry it took awhile. Sometimes if I'm busy I have to read just a few pages at the time.

So, your story here is a classic, he learned his lesson in the end. That works. That is not to say that this was a home run for me though. I thought the premise of Barry having to make religion fun in order to get more followers was a great one. Then it turns out that Barry finds out that was pretty much impossible, but he still gets a second chance at life because he makes Jesus laugh once at the end. Not the same thing. In other words, you didn't deliver on the premise, IMHO. Instead of making religion funny to attract more people, Barry quips occasional funny one-liners and occasionally does humorous things. None of which would attract new followers or believers. This was a bit of a letdown.

I also felt that I would've liked to see Barry try harder. Getting a second chance or a chance to go to heaven instead of hell is pretty serious, yet Barry doesn't take it seriously at all. He also seems too dense to get what Saint Peter and God are telling him. This makes him come off as stupid. Not in a good and charming way like Gump, but in roll-my-eyes kind of dumb. Add to that that he's not very likable and the middle was a bit slow for me as I didn't really care what happened to him.

I would also rethink the scenes at the DMV if I were you. GREAT idea, but visually really boring after the first time.

All in all, not bad at all, but needs more to stand out.

Hope any of this can be of help. No need to answer the points I've made, but if you have any questions, feel free to ask.  


Page 1     A walking postal carrier. I guess he's new on the job if he's surprised to see the condition of Barry's property. Perhaps have him say something that suggest he's tired of seeing this place instead?

Also, you write that this is morning, which makes Barry drinking a beer say a lot about his character. However, an audience will not know this is morning unless you show it somewhere. My mail lady doesn't show up until afternoon, so that's not a give away.

Page 2     Good joke with the crap cannon.

Page 4     Can't say I'm a big fan of Barry at this point. I hope he does something fairly soon that makes me empathize with him a little. Even if he's supposed to be a jerk and eventually change, I think it would be good if he can just do a little something to make me root for him soon.

Page 9     Nice little ending there on this page. Peaked my interest and I want to know more. Expertly added to make the audience immediately empathize with Barry.

Page  11   George Lopez. I met him at a pitch fest in LA ten years ago. He was real nice and offered to read a friend of mine's comedy TV script.  

Would be funny if Barry tried to appeal too Sharon's soft spot by saying something like, He still talks about you (Booker).

Page  13   A drink on the bar stool on the stage reminded me of Dave Allen. Lol. Did you ever watch him? Maybe they all use that set-up nowadays. I wouldn't know since I never watch comedies. I like comedy, just like other stuff even more.

Page  18   Do you have a smoking area! Funny and timely with smokers being shunned from public places these days.

Page  19   Did they go through the gate or just off to the clouds on the side?

Page  20   Funny with the DMV and IRS. Should have a comment there about how everyone hates the IRS too.

Page  23   James Carville's wife, LOL!

A string of funny here. Not necessarily ROFLMAO, but still funny for a longer time. That's good for keeping an audience in the comedic mood.

Page  27   Good point. I think it would make people more interested in at least reading the book. I say this as an atheist who has read the bible cover to cover. In old Swedish no less. A bit of humor would've made the read a little more interesting.

Page  28   Barry, "then maybe I'd of read it.... Shouldn't that be have instead of, of?

Page  30   I think some of that dialogue in the previous pages could be trimmed some. You were doing good with the jokes and then it sort of petered out as it went along.

Page  31   Would be cool if the three stooges scene was in black and white.

Page  33   WOMEN...

Page  42   Something weird happened. Last time I was using the computerI had some more notes that are no longer here. I don't remember them from memory either. Sorry.  

Barry the Atheist. Funny.

Dips "him" back into the river.

Page  45   Just a thought. Shouldn't Barry prove to God that more people would be religious if the bible was funnier instead of trying to make God laugh?

Page 48   Funny that Barry thinks it was cool to encounter satan. A lot of people nowadays would think so, until they actually did.

Page  50   Not being a religious person myself, my mind is starting to wander here a little bit, to be honest. Not sure what to offer up as suggestion, but it just seems as if old stuff is being regurgitated. I feel that maybe there needs to be something happening that is more about plot and not just talking to Jesus in the desert. Something needs to happen.

Page  53   I'm thinking there's not enough visuals going on. A lot of talk, but nothing interesting to watch if this was a film.

Page  60   We are now past the mid-point and I don't really sense anything in particular that has changed. Barry's objective was to make the bible more humorous, but instead, it just seems he ends up in places where he attempts a couple of jokes. It doesn't seem like he's really trying. Not even after God reminds him of this does he attempt to make things funny. Instead he says things that are funny to us the audience due to the situation he is in, but nothing that has to do with making the bible funnier. This sort of makes him come across dense and IMHO, of course, funny people are usually pretty smart.

Page  61   On this page, this same thing is proven again. Peter has just told him that their faces are familiar, but they are not the same people as they are in our present time, still he goes up to Mary Magdalene and apologizes. I know he's drunk, but he just seems to be really stupid at this point.

Page  67   Barry doing the rap thing was funny.

Page  68   I'm with Peter here. Barry is so unbelievably stupid, it's starting to get annoying. He's not even trying to take this mission seriously. By seriously, I don't mean it shouldn't be funny. It's just that he doesn't seem to get anything. He doesn't deserve these chances, IMO.

Page  70   George Harrison, lol!

Page  71   These pages are actually not that bad because they expose that Barry is not that bright, nor likable. A bit of a fraud. Although funny, none of the words are his own.

Whenever I hear Spirit In The Sky, I always think of that scene in Contact.  

Page  72   The sea of Galilee at nigh...

Page  82   I agree. Barry is a crappy person. Lol. Funny here would be if God only gave Barry a "darn minute", so Barry has to hurry or beg for more time. Just a few seconds, please!

Page  83   I think we actually need to see God. Barry spends way too much time at the DMV where we only hear God's voice. It's dull watching. Why not show him to us? I know the answer, but you might want to consider it. It's a moving pictures medium after all.

Page  89   Santa!

Page  95   Glasses, not classes

Quoted from Grandma Bear Dave, finished your script. Sorry it took awhile. Sometimes if I'm busy I have to read just a few pages at the time. So, your story here is a classic, he learned his lesson in the end. That works. That is not to say that this was a home run for me though. I thought the premise of Barry having to make religion fun in order to get more followers was a great one. Then it turns out that Barry finds out that was pretty much impossible, but he still gets a second chance at life because he makes Jesus laugh once at the end. Not the same thing. In other words, you didn't deliver on the premise, IMHO. Instead of making religion funny to attract more people, Barry quips occasional funny one-liners and occasionally does humorous things. None of which would attract new followers or believers. This was a bit of a letdown. I also felt that I would've liked to see Barry try harder. Getting a second chance or a chance to go to heaven instead of hell is pretty serious, yet Barry doesn't take it seriously at all. He also seems too dense to get what Saint Peter and God are telling him. This makes him come off as stupid. Not in a good and charming way like Gump, but in roll-my-eyes kind of dumb. Add to that that he's not very likable and the middle was a bit slow for me as I didn't really care what happened to him. I would also rethink the scenes at the DMV if I were you. GREAT idea, but visually really boring after the first time. All in all, not bad at all, but needs more to stand out. Hope any of this can be of help. No need to answer the points I've made, but if you have any questions, feel free to ask.   Page 1     A walking postal carrier. I guess he's new on the job if he's surprised to see the condition of Barry's property. Perhaps have him say something that suggest he's tired of seeing this place instead? Also, you write that this is morning, which makes Barry drinking a beer say a lot about his character. However, an audience will not know this is morning unless you show it somewhere. My mail lady doesn't show up until afternoon, so that's not a give away. Page 2     Good joke with the crap cannon. Page 4     Can't say I'm a big fan of Barry at this point. I hope he does something fairly soon that makes me empathize with him a little. Even if he's supposed to be a jerk and eventually change, I think it would be good if he can just do a little something to make me root for him soon. Page 9     Nice little ending there on this page. Peaked my interest and I want to know more. Expertly added to make the audience immediately empathize with Barry. Page  11   George Lopez. I met him at a pitch fest in LA ten years ago. He was real nice and offered to read a friend of mine's comedy TV script.   Would be funny if Barry tried to appeal too Sharon's soft spot by saying something like, He still talks about you (Booker). Page  13   A drink on the bar stool on the stage reminded me of Dave Allen. Lol. Did you ever watch him? Maybe they all use that set-up nowadays. I wouldn't know since I never watch comedies. I like comedy, just like other stuff even more. Page  18   Do you have a smoking area! Funny and timely with smokers being shunned from public places these days. Page  19   Did they go through the gate or just off to the clouds on the side? Page  20   Funny with the DMV and IRS. Should have a comment there about how everyone hates the IRS too. Page  23   James Carville's wife, LOL! A string of funny here. Not necessarily ROFLMAO, but still funny for a longer time. That's good for keeping an audience in the comedic mood. Page  27   Good point. I think it would make people more interested in at least reading the book. I say this as an atheist who has read the bible cover to cover. In old Swedish no less. A bit of humor would've made the read a little more interesting. Page  28   Barry, "then maybe I'd of read it.... Shouldn't that be have instead of, of? Page  30   I think some of that dialogue in the previous pages could be trimmed some. You were doing good with the jokes and then it sort of petered out as it went along. Page  31   Would be cool if the three stooges scene was in black and white. Page  33   WOMEN... Page  42   Something weird happened. Last time I was using the computerI had some more notes that are no longer here. I don't remember them from memory either. Sorry.   Barry the Atheist. Funny. Dips "him" back into the river. Page  45   Just a thought. Shouldn't Barry prove to God that more people would be religious if the bible was funnier instead of trying to make God laugh? Page 48   Funny that Barry thinks it was cool to encounter satan. A lot of people nowadays would think so, until they actually did. Page  50   Not being a religious person myself, my mind is starting to wander here a little bit, to be honest. Not sure what to offer up as suggestion, but it just seems as if old stuff is being regurgitated. I feel that maybe there needs to be something happening that is more about plot and not just talking to Jesus in the desert. Something needs to happen. Page  53   I'm thinking there's not enough visuals going on. A lot of talk, but nothing interesting to watch if this was a film. Page  60   We are now past the mid-point and I don't really sense anything in particular that has changed. Barry's objective was to make the bible more humorous, but instead, it just seems he ends up in places where he attempts a couple of jokes. It doesn't seem like he's really trying. Not even after God reminds him of this does he attempt to make things funny. Instead he says things that are funny to us the audience due to the situation he is in, but nothing that has to do with making the bible funnier. This sort of makes him come across dense and IMHO, of course, funny people are usually pretty smart. Page  61   On this page, this same thing is proven again. Peter has just told him that their faces are familiar, but they are not the same people as they are in our present time, still he goes up to Mary Magdalene and apologizes. I know he's drunk, but he just seems to be really stupid at this point. Page  67   Barry doing the rap thing was funny. Page  68   I'm with Peter here. Barry is so unbelievably stupid, it's starting to get annoying. He's not even trying to take this mission seriously. By seriously, I don't mean it shouldn't be funny. It's just that he doesn't seem to get anything. He doesn't deserve these chances, IMO. Page  70   George Harrison, lol! Page  71   These pages are actually not that bad because they expose that Barry is not that bright, nor likable. A bit of a fraud. Although funny, none of the words are his own. Whenever I hear Spirit In The Sky, I always think of that scene in Contact.   Page  72   The sea of Galilee at nigh... Page  82   I agree. Barry is a crappy person. Lol. Funny here would be if God only gave Barry a "darn minute", so Barry has to hurry or beg for more time. Just a few seconds, please! Page  83   I think we actually need to see God. Barry spends way too much time at the DMV where we only hear God's voice. It's dull watching. Why not show him to us? I know the answer, but you might want to consider it. It's a moving pictures medium after all. Page  89   Santa! Page  95   Glasses, not classes

Thank you so much for the read and the detailed notes. A lot to think about there.

Quoted from Grandma Bear Dave, finished your script. Sorry it took awhile. Sometimes if I'm busy I have to read just a few pages at the time.

Okay, home now and wanted to address some of the issues you raised. Read them on my phone at first so didn't have a chance to give full response (I type on phone one stroke at a time).

Quoted Text So, your story here is a classic, he learned his lesson in the end. That works. That is not to say that this was a home run for me though. I thought the premise of Barry having to make religion fun in order to get more followers was a great one. Then it turns out that Barry finds out that was pretty much impossible, but he still gets a second chance at life because he makes Jesus laugh once at the end. Not the same thing. In other words, you didn't deliver on the premise, IMHO. Instead of making religion funny to attract more people, Barry quips occasional funny one-liners and occasionally does humorous things. None of which would attract new followers or believers. This was a bit of a letdown.

Yeah - this is a sticky widget. I shifted gears from the log line. I don't want him to achieve that goal - making the bible funny. I want him to change his character - I do see the promise of the premise problem with the log line. Will toy around with this.

Quoted Text I also felt that I would've liked to see Barry try harder. Getting a second chance or a chance to go to heaven instead of hell is pretty serious, yet Barry doesn't take it seriously at all. He also seems too dense to get what Saint Peter and God are telling him. This makes him come off as stupid. Not in a good and charming way like Gump, but in roll-my-eyes kind of dumb. Add to that that he's not very likable and the middle was a bit slow for me as I didn't really care what happened to him.

The try harder part is a solid point. I think I can ramp this up - put a little more desperation in there as he continues to fail. Several folks have commented that Barry is too stupid. Going to have to take that to heart.

I don't think he can be likable per se as he is destined for hell. I do think there are spots where I can make him more empathetic. e.g., thinking of adding a shot where he is sobbing over an old wedding pic of him and Sharon at the same time the Reverend is looking at the pic of him and Sharon. Toying around with it.  

Quoted Text Can't say I'm a big fan of Barry at this point. I hope he does something fairly soon that makes me empathize with him a little. Even if he's supposed to be a jerk and eventually change, I think it would be good if he can just do a little something to make me root for him soon.

See above - yes - got to find empathy somewhere.

Quoted Text Page  11   George Lopez. I met him at a pitch fest in LA ten years ago. He was real nice and offered to read a friend of mine's comedy TV script.

Love George!

Quoted Text Would be funny if Barry tried to appeal too Sharon's soft spot by saying something like, He still talks about you (Booker).

Love this! Just added it to the script - thanks.

Quoted Text Page  13   A drink on the bar stool on the stage reminded me of Dave Allen. Lol. Did you ever watch him? Maybe they all use that set-up nowadays. I wouldn't know since I never watch comedies. I like comedy, just like other stuff even more.

Never came across him - will have to check him out.

Quoted Text Page  28   Barry, "then maybe I'd of read it.... Shouldn't that be have instead of, of?

Yep - good catch

Page  30   I think some of that dialogue in the previous pages could be trimmed some. You were doing good with the jokes and then it sort of petered out as it went along.

Quoted Text Page  31   Would be cool if the three stooges scene was in black and white.

Like that

Quoted Text Page  33   WOMEN...

Yep - good catch

Quoted Text Dips "him" back into the river.

Yep - good catch

Quoted Text Page  45   Just a thought. Shouldn't Barry prove to God that more people would be religious if the bible was funnier instead of trying to make God laugh?

Hmm. No - but, I think I could insert an interesting exchange in this regard somewhere since it's a relevant thought - does reading the bible make someone more religious??

Quoted Text Page  50   Not being a religious person myself, my mind is starting to wander here a little bit, to be honest. Not sure what to offer up as suggestion, but it just seems as if old stuff is being regurgitated. I feel that maybe there needs to be something happening that is more about plot and not just talking to Jesus in the desert. Something needs to happen.

Food for thought for sure. There is a bit of rinse and repeat here.

Quoted Text Page  60   We are now past the mid-point and I don't really sense anything in particular that has changed. Barry's objective was to make the bible more humorous, but instead, it just seems he ends up in places where he attempts a couple of jokes. It doesn't seem like he's really trying. Not even after God reminds him of this does he attempt to make things funny. Instead he says things that are funny to us the audience due to the situation he is in, but nothing that has to do with making the bible funnier. This sort of makes him come across dense and IMHO, of course, funny people are usually pretty smart.

Others have note this issue as well so - well, it's an issue.  I've got of got a Wizard of Oz approach to this in my mind for the next draft.  She - in a magical land - just wants to go home. But she picks up a great cast of B characters (Lion, Scarecrow, Tin man) along the way with their own goals. I think if I can find my Scarecrow et al for this one, I can develop Barry as more empathetic and add some curves to the plot line.  

Quoted Text Page  61   On this page, this same thing is proven again. Peter has just told him that their faces are familiar, but they are not the same people as they are in our present time, still he goes up to Mary Magdalene and apologizes. I know he's drunk, but he just seems to be really stupid at this point.

I think the drunkenness explains the behavior - it may be prior stupidity that makes this too much.

Quoted Text Page  72   The sea of Galilee at nigh...

Thanks - got it.

Quoted Text Page  82   I agree. Barry is a crappy person. Lol. Funny here would be if God only gave Barry a "darn minute", so Barry has to hurry or beg for more time. Just a few seconds, please!

Like this

Quoted Text Page  83   I think we actually need to see God. Barry spends way too much time at the DMV where we only hear God's voice. It's dull watching. Why not show him to us? I know the answer, but you might want to consider it. It's a moving pictures medium after all.

Going to stick with at as is - couple of folks have said they want to see him - I just can't pull the trigger on that.

Quoted Text Page  95   Glasses, not classes

Got it - thanks

Again - much thanks for the read and the notes - a lot of food for thought in there.

Dave,

Just finished reading.

I wasn’t a fan of the title or the logline but I started reading and the script pulled me in and didn’t let go. It is very well-written and has a smooth pace. Lots of humor worked for me and I especially liked the irony in Barry’s death.

SPOILERS

My only gripe is that Barry’s change of heart at the end felt a bit unexpected.

Jesus and Barry form a relationship in the second half of the script, but I never felt like Barry would give away something precious for him for Jesus, not even at the end. So, when he self-sacrifices himself for him I didn't quite believe it. And it was a shame, because the arc of the character was there but, at the end, it felt a little off. It may have worked if Jesus had self-sacrificed himself before for Barry, so he then feels in debt with him or something and acts in the proper way… I don’t know… Just thinking out loud…

It was a great read, anyway.

Best of lucks with this one!

Quoted from Philostrate Dave, Just finished reading. I wasn’t a fan of the title or the logline but I started reading and the script pulled me in and didn’t let go. It is very well-written and has a smooth pace. Lots of humor worked for me and I especially liked the irony in Barry’s death. SPOILERS My only gripe is that Barry’s change of heart at the end felt a bit unexpected. Jesus and Barry form a relationship in the second half of the script, but I never felt like Barry would give away something precious for him for Jesus, not even at the end. So, when he self-sacrifices himself for him I didn't quite believe it. And it was a shame, because the arc of the character was there but, at the end, it felt a little off. It may have worked if Jesus had self-sacrificed himself before for Barry, so he then feels in debt with him or something and acts in the proper way… I don’t know… Just thinking out loud… It was a great read, anyway. Best of lucks with this one!

Thanks for the read and the comments, friend.  I do have to work on the point you mentioned. It has been a hiccup for several peeps here.

Thanks again.

Hi again, Dave.

Sorry to be late with the read, I've been on vacation, going far away lands and just finished this.
I read half of it on the plane, so, can't be accurate with the first half re page numbers etc.

Anyway, just want to say:
It's very witty, like extremely witty. It's funny too. I liked Barry. There's redeeming quality to him that makes him appealing - he loves his wife and wants to win her over. That makes him likable. At the same time he manages to piss the reader off - he's a fun little character. You drew all of them super well as always.

I'll stick to what I said about the beginning. It's a bit of disconnected I would say - Barry suddenly has to leave his dog for work. Why now? I don't get a clear sense of why now. That's what I was trying to say there about the first 30.

My gripe with the story is - I think on p86 is when Barry has sudden change of hearts. When he was later weeping for Jesus - I think you build well to that. But the first change reads kind of out of nowhere. Don't know - might be just me.

And another one for me is - the first half is a bit much of talk albeit extremely funny. Like conversation between Barry and Peter - I'd say shorten it. and that kind rings disbalance a bit. It gets more visual towards the end for me. But from p24 to  41 is more about them just walk and talk. I'm not saying to get rid of the talk as it's very funny, but maybe move it around.
Maybe Barry could be even more offensive - like meditation, teaching yoga (some silly suggestions just in case) singing gospels... I know he raps something later on - maybe it could be done earlier.

I also wish he conversed with Mary more. For some reason. Want a bit more romance in this. Or maybe he could confide in Peter about Sharon. I know he tells him about her at the end, how he cheated etc. But maybe at the beginning, he could mention that she was unfair to him only to accept his mistakes at the end. That would feel like better pay off I'd think.

Anyway, great work as always. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Quoted from khamanna Hi again, Dave. Sorry to be late with the read, I've been on vacation, going far away lands and just finished this. I read half of it on the plane, so, can't be accurate with the first half re page numbers etc.

Quoted Text I'll stick to what I said about the beginning. It's a bit of disconnected I would say - Barry suddenly has to leave his dog for work. Why now? I don't get a clear sense of why now. That's what I was trying to say there about the first 30.

I'll check the opening again - I thought it was clear - he got a surprise week long gig covering for a sick George Lopez. I'll check again.

Quoted Text My gripe with the story is - I think on p86 is when Barry has sudden change of hearts. When he was later weeping for Jesus - I think you build well to that. But the first change reads kind of out of nowhere. Don't know - might be just me.

Not just you. A lot of peeps think the change is too sudden. I am going to address that in the next draft for sure.

Quoted Text And another one for me is - the first half is a bit much of talk albeit extremely funny. Like conversation between Barry and Peter - I'd say shorten it. and that kind rings disbalance a bit. It gets more visual towards the end for me. But from p24 to  41 is more about them just walk and talk. I'm not saying to get rid of the talk as it's very funny, but maybe move it around. Maybe Barry could be even more offensive - like meditation, teaching yoga (some silly suggestions just in case) singing gospels... I know he raps something later on - maybe it could be done earlier.

Interesting view - I'll take a look. One of the problems I have as that I am trying to stick with the actual chronology of Jesus' life - but point taken.

Quoted Text I also wish he conversed with Mary more. For some reason. Want a bit more romance in this. Or maybe he could confide in Peter about Sharon. I know he tells him about her at the end, how he cheated etc. But maybe at the beginning, he could mention that she was unfair to him only to accept his mistakes at the end. That would feel like better pay off I'd think.

Will take a look.

Quoted Text Anyway, great work as always. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Thank you and thank you so much for weighing in.

Quoted Text Thanks for the read and the comments, friend.  I do have to work on the point you mentioned. It has been a hiccup for several peeps here. Thanks again.

Great read, Dave. My pleasure.

Quoted from eldave1 Thank you and thank you so much for weighing in.

Sure, Dave, anytime. Will be waiting for the next one of yours.

In for about 40 pages, but that's going to be it for me.

Not because the writing isn't good (you're a talented writer, no question), but the subject matter (religion, essentially) is just not my bag.

For example, I've always been a fan of Kevin Smith, and Chasing Amy is one of the underrated movies of the '90s, but give me Dogma, and I pass. Not quite sure what it is that leaves me to give this subject matter / genre a wide berth (I'm neither religious nor anti-religious); much the same way I do with fantasy. They're just the type of movies I need to be arm twisted into watching.

So I think it's important to preface my thoughts with that.

Right through to the point where Barry (with the dressing gown and demeanour, I assume this was a nod to The Duderino) passes away, I was on board. Even through to the passage with God. I was basically done at the point he is on a mission with Jesus. The writing is lean and economical, and there are some funny moments. Me checking out is a reflection of me rather than your script.

That's the beauty of film, of course; different people respond to different things. You can't please all of the people, all of the time.

There is absolutely an audience for this type of movie, and it's certainly plotted in those early pages attractively.

This is a personal feeling, but I feel that title will put some people off. I think you need something shorter and more accessible.

Good luck with it.