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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  This is your life: revised "11" Moderators: bert
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  Author    This is your life: revised "11"  (currently 2765 views)
Don
Posted: September 28th, 2004, 10:06pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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This is your life by Jason Byram - Drama - It's the first day of Junior High School and Jeffrey and Michelle are in for a shock once they're thrown into the world of sex, drugs and voilent, and it's more shocking, when they're all their age. - html format.


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Bruce3456
Posted: September 29th, 2004, 4:57pm Report to Moderator
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Boy, everyone is stupid except me

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Three Words:

HOLY F***ING S***.


Everything Must End...

The Final Episode of The Lunchroom
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Jason Byram
Posted: September 29th, 2004, 5:11pm Report to Moderator
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I don't understand...
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Bruce3456
Posted: September 29th, 2004, 5:42pm Report to Moderator
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It just seems pretty bruatal. The mother beating her daughter and then getting urine and vomit on her and yelling all those insults.


Everything Must End...

The Final Episode of The Lunchroom
Coming Summer 2010
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TheParadoxicalShaman
Posted: September 29th, 2004, 9:09pm Report to Moderator
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He wanted to talk, I wanted to shoot...

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it tends to occur in these screenplays lol


He wanted to talk.  I wanted to shoot.
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Jason Byram
Posted: September 30th, 2004, 12:40pm Report to Moderator
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Yep, they're all full of brutality. lol.
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Jason Byram
Posted: October 1st, 2004, 3:33pm Report to Moderator
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So... does anyone (whore the former scripts) think this is worse/better/boring/unbelievable than the other scripts?

Feedback, please.
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Troy Zuniga
Posted: October 2nd, 2004, 2:36pm Report to Moderator
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I tried just picking a random spot to start reading this.  I picked six random spots.  In each one, a different nasty thing was happening, sometimes disgusting.  Snorting coke, smoking this and that, screwing--burning kittens?!  

Come on.


Welcome to the neighborhood.  May I take your order?
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incredible_llama
Posted: October 20th, 2004, 9:51pm Report to Moderator
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i read the original, and only have time right now to read the first few lines, and i think it's better. but dude.... and I didn't read that part, but...  BURNING KITTENS?! thats kinda cold
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Jason Byram
Posted: October 21st, 2004, 3:25pm Report to Moderator
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I know... but it's only script. But really sick people do actually do that, around Halloween they throw animals into a fire.
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Bruce3456
Posted: October 21st, 2004, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
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Boy, everyone is stupid except me

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[in my best Dana Carvey doing Johnny Carson voice]:

I did not know that.


Everything Must End...

The Final Episode of The Lunchroom
Coming Summer 2010
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Jason Byram
Posted: October 22nd, 2004, 12:49pm Report to Moderator
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I have no clue who those people are. Sorry.
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dogglebe
Posted: October 29th, 2004, 5:02pm Report to Moderator
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Normally, I read ten to twelve pages of a script before reviewing it, but I couldn't get past page four.

In regards to the formatting, you've got this all wrong.  Your action descriptions are all wrong.  On page one, you describeMichelle and Jeffrey as 'Both have never taken a drug... will have in store for them.'  How is the camera supposed to show this?

You later introduce Amy as Jeffrey's wild, pill-popping sister.  How does the camera show this with someone who's supposedly asleep?

Later on, you use the phrase, "We hear a few sounds of someone in pain."  What sounds are these?  Crying?  Moaning?  Screaming?

If the camera can't show it, you don't describe it.  

Onto the story....

I'm under the impression that you wrote this just to shock people.  There's no story here, just violence.


Phil
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Old Time Wesley
Posted: October 29th, 2004, 10:55pm Report to Moderator
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I'm just wondering as a fellow member and writer like many on these boards why if so many people say it's bad or somethings just too much why you don't cut it out or revise it and tone down the violence so you can actually reach an audience

Bruce said something about getting vomit and urine on someone, you could never get anyone to act this stuff out and if you could there some sick people. If not even 1 person says it's good than I'd think about doing something new or toning down the stuff that's physically apauling

I will get around to reading this, maybe later tonight at least some of it but it seems as if you could make it appealing if you toned down the violence


Practice safe lunch: Use a condiment.
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Jason Byram
Posted: October 30th, 2004, 4:20pm Report to Moderator
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I know no-one here agrees with it, but I really like that fact that I shock people. What? It's a kick? Anyways, I've given up on this, there was gonna 3 parts like the other and whatever. I'm actually working on drama/comedy now.
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Chris_MacGuffin
Posted: October 30th, 2004, 4:39pm Report to Moderator
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From what I hear from reading these posts, your script is based on shock value. Unless you have a story and something to say, you should really reevaluate why you write screenplays. If you write just to shock, while then you should look for another career.
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Jason Byram
Posted: October 31st, 2004, 9:04am Report to Moderator
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Career?! Are you crazy? Writing is for fun and no-one said you can't post scripts for fun and serious work. And if you didn't read the script, sorry, why are you reading the posts? Sad...
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Chris_MacGuffin
Posted: October 31st, 2004, 11:49am Report to Moderator
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I read about five pages and couldn't read anymore.
It's not sad that I'm reading the posts, what's sad is that you write to shock.
Your scripts listed under drama, but it's so over the top, the audience can't care about the characters.
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dogglebe
Posted: October 31st, 2004, 1:09pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Jason Byram, posted October 31st, 2004, 9:04am at here
Career?! Are you crazy? Writing is for fun and no-one said you can't post scripts for fun and serious work. And if you didn't read the script, sorry, why are you reading the posts? Sad...


I read a few pages, which is probably as far as most people will read.  Reading stuff like this doesn't shock me; it annoys me.  I would rather read what people think on this discussion board than read your script.

And then there's the poor formatting....


Phil

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Jason Byram
Posted: November 1st, 2004, 2:25pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you all for your comments. They were greatly accepted. I love my fans.
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clever_name
Posted: November 11th, 2004, 8:49pm Report to Moderator
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There's really no reason you should be proud of just shocking people, it isn't that hard.  Anyone can shock someone by just going over the top and doing/saying things that are taboo in society.  At the end of the day your script is the equivilent of a geek show where you are simply horrifying the audience by seeing just how far your characters will go over the line of decency.

Being shocking can be a useful tool in writing...look at the Exorcist, a great film, but in it's day it was outrageously shocking.  But it's all about where you take the story after the shock wears off.

All you've created is scene after scene of people being 'outrageous'. And like you said, writing should be a fun thing (I totaly agree), but what's the fun in having people taken aback by your writing.  You should use writing as a way to let people into your imagination, and if these are the kinds of thoughts you have in your head, I sincerely hope I never meet you.


Jesus Christ Timmy!  Do not float above me while I'm dying in the abyss!
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Chris_MacGuffin
Posted: November 16th, 2004, 8:52pm Report to Moderator
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It shows your immaturity as a writer.
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