SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 12:18pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Drama Scripts  ›  Daniel Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 5 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Daniel  (currently 2129 views)
Don
Posted: August 13th, 2005, 3:49pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Daniel by Henry Hartono - Drama - A story of a man trying to find the courage to escape the purgatory created by his mother with. - doc, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
jerdol
Posted: August 15th, 2005, 5:48pm Report to Moderator
New


Location
Haifa, Israel
Posts
112
Posts Per Day
0.02
1)  This is too short.  If you want to capture the drama and despair, you need to pad it out more.  About thirty second elapse between Chloe meeting Gladys and her getting stabbed.  A conversation between the two will help build up the tension.  Also, more scenes between Gladys and Daniel are necessary to lay the foundation, or else all the shock value of him confronting her after she kills Chloe.

2)  The characters are one-dimensional.  I realize that the character of Gladys will only have one dimension, but she should at least seem living, having her lines more varied and whatnot.  The viewers are also not aware of her motives.Also, the romance between Chloe and Daniel doesn't seem to go beyond "I love you", "I love you".

3)  The sex scene - cut it.  A very large majority of the scripts I see here seem to involve scenes where women remove their tops.  This is a powerful drama, and it's silly to R-rate it for nothing.  You can show love without sex.

4)  The ending - it's gruesome and in my opinion unnecessary, because the climax of the film is that Daniel overcame his mother (I think, at least).  Ending it with a dead mother is fine.

The premise, though, is excellent.  With a bit of work, I think this makes an amazing (and disturbing) film.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 2
DragonRider05
Posted: November 16th, 2005, 12:09pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
4
Posts Per Day
0.00
I started to read this script, but once I got to the nudity and sex stuff, I couldn't read anymore. I would cut those scenes as JERDOL said in the above post.

I'm not exactly sure what kind of worldview you're trying to show here, explain?
Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 2
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Drama Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006