James,

Yeah, the instant new scene thing was a liberty I took. It didn’t seem right to just say later when something was instantaneous. I was trying to capture the feel for it and keep it flowing but it sounds as though, based on feedback from you and other posters, it did the opposite and caused a snare. I’ll do some research and see if I can find a better way.

The montage near the end was added because people expressed that some of the script “Kill the Person Next to You” was too confusing. So now it looks like I went too far the opposite direction. I’ll narrow it down one day and maybe some day I’ll even achieve that balance between the creative and the technical.

Thank you very much for the feedback.

Breanne

Breanne,

Just finished this up, and whoa, is this out there.

I think you did a really fantastic job in painting these random visions/hallucinations against a backdrop of flashbacks, really showing just how screwed up these people are.

A few things:

Pg. 17 - I'm thankful I wasn't around for the Protestant Reformation.

Pg. 18 - They exchange "heys".  Is this dialogue, or like a nod or something?

Pg. 50 - John and Mary Magdalene the same person?  Is this an actual theory that's out there somewhere?

Pg. 64 - Rachel says "It's nopt right to have children?".  It seemed like it shouldn't have been a question.

And me personally, I liked the ending, but I'm suprised that nobody has complained about it being a dream.  That could be because the context of it is much different than the norm.

But, anyway, I just wanted to give you a little feedback, and let you know that this was a good script, and perhaps one of the most bizarre I've ever read.


Mike

Mike,

Thanks for the review. Congratulations. You caught a punctuation error. I was beginning to think for a minute that I may have actually written something that was grammatically perfect. Thanks for ruining my daydream - just kidding. Thanks for helping me.

Quoted from Shelton They exchange "heys".  Is this dialogue, or like a nod or something?

Such things are usually just reflexive responses and devoid of any real emotion so I just thought it would be better not to waste the readers time with written dialogue. I didn’t think it mattered one way or the other.

Quoted from Shelton John and Mary Magdalene the same person?  Is this an actual theory that's out there somewhere?

Yes, at one time, such a theory did exist. What is known is that occasionally women have pretended to be men in order to gain some of the social benefits men have historically enjoyed. There’s a recent film called “Osama” (not as in bin Laden) about a young girl who disguises herself as a boy just to survive in a strict Islamic society. Historically, it’s not all that uncommon.

There has been speculation as to the gender of the person next to Jesus in the Da Vinci painting. It’s debatable as to whether it’s Mary or John. It’s difficult to say with any certainty because Da Vinci was known for messing with the minds of religious people.

Quoted from Shelton I'm suprised that nobody has complained about it being a dream.

Or was it? How can you tell? How do you know you’re not “real” when you dream and dreaming when you’re awake? Seriously, though, I don’t know any other way it could end.


Thanks for the input. I’m planning on reading stuff by all the posters on this thread. I’m working on a project right now and then I’m going to read The Scorsese Club. After that, Abattoir. And then, one of yours Mike.

Mr. Z, I’m sorry but I don’t really know who you are or what you’ve written. If you can tell me, I’ll add you to the list. It’s going to take a bit because I’m swamped but I’ll get to it someday (not the someday that people say to pacify people but the real one that actually comes).

Anyway, Thanks Mike. Very much appreciated.

I would like to be on your read list, if you have the time. I have only one script submitted: The Ghost in Red, in the short section. Thanks, breanne.

Quoted from Mr.Z I would like to be on your read list, if you have the time. I have only one script submitted: The Ghost in Red, in the short section.

Ask and you shall receive. Done.

No problem. Whenever you get ‘round to it is fine.

Ahahah scratch one off my to-do list.

Let's see, echoing everyone here, this is one of the most bizarre, jumbled, strangely intensified pieces I've read on this site.  There have been shorts that are kind of like this with people going on acid trips, but none of them last 95 pages and go into so much detail.  I think what sets this aside is the overall creativity that's brought to each scene.  It seemed that virtually every sequence and piece of dialogue in this was significant.  But significant to what?  That's kind of what this story does--it messes with your mind so you're along for the ride with the main characters.

To start, I love your choice of names.  Yellow Eyes, Birdie, Mud Boy--they obviously stand out and it's not the same old thing with everyday names.

I laughed once during this story, and it was probably at one of the most inapproporiate times.  On page 8 when Hal says "Oh, you fucked up now you little punk!  You fucked up!" I don't know why I would laugh at that line, but I did.  It's like the use of the word inferno in Shelton's or Newcomer's works.

Okay, on to real shtuff.  From the beginning when you're introducing the characters one by one, I thought this would be about some teenagers obsessed with sex and drugs, kind of on the road of "Kids," but you quickly moved away from that, so everything aside, I enjoyed the intros.

One thing I noticed is that these teens come from horrible homes and backgrounds which triggers their behavior.  Now, by the end of this when Rachel wakes up, I don't actually know if these guys were real or if it was all just in Rachel's mind.  This script was that far out there!

The dialogue between Mud Boy and Yellow Eyes on page 23 where Muddy is talking about his black eye is top notch, same with the dialogue where Mud Boy is ripping on Birdie.

Now onto the hallucinations.  Ya know, this is where I could go either way.  If this was produced, I don't know how well the hallucinations could translate onto film.  You've got a giant grasshopper, a fire breathing dragon, aliens, giant puzzle pieces, even some animation.  Granted they were all beautifully written and the imagery was very well described, I don't know how well they'd work on screen.  Since this is a bold piece, they'd really add to the complexity, so maybe everything would work out.

Dialogue between Julia and Rachel on page 64 is top notch.  For the most part, Trevor and Julia are likeable, but when put up against the trips of the other four, I can see where I think it was Bert was saying that they could be dull.  That's the beauty of the story though.

The last two scenes of Yellow Eyes in the hospital and the torture chamber had some really powerful shtuff.  The officer blowing his head off--wow!  The worm in Yellow Eyes' brain--I love it.  By the end though I couldn't figure out if the priest really did do some unthinkable acts to a young Yellow Eyes or not, but then again by the end I didn't know who was real and who wasn't.

The four main characters in this were all very well developed.  Yellow Eyes gives us some graphic but interesting information.  The spikes in the ass thing is something I'm never going to forget hahaha.

Overall, this is one of the most out there pieces on this site.  Wildly imaginative and beautifully written.  I think what I liked the most was that there was always something going on.  I didn't really find any slow scenes that built up crap to bore the reader.  No, everything in this had a purpose, all 95 pages.  Very well done, a winner all the way.

Thanks guys,

I’ve made revisions and fixed everything that everyone mentioned.


Greg,

Yeah, I’m not much for meaningless scenes. Even if I just want to show more of a character’s personality, I always try to write the scenes so that they serve some purpose to the story.

Kevan,

I get asked frequently where stuff I write comes from. Hmm. I had a very lonely childhood - hahaha

Everywhere, I suppose. Dreams, sometimes. But believe it or not, the majority of my ideas come while doing mundane tasks like cleaning. Things where I’m occupied but my mind is free to roam.

Also, I love observing people. Sometimes I wish I was a ghost and could just watch people talking to themselves when they thought no one else was around.

I don’t use any formatting program. I do it the old fashioned way. I do use spell check but I don’t trust it. I meticulously proofread myself again and again.


With all the great advice I‘ve received, rewriting this was quite easy. The logline is even beginning to take some shape. Now it’s time for me to write a synopsis…..

Kevan,

I’m still tinkering with a couple of scenes I’m not sure about. I try not to rush these kinds of things. I’m usually pretty quick initially and then slow with rewrites and proofreads. My general rule of writing is that if there’s anything at all about a scene I’m not certain about, it needs to be changed so I’m kind of meditating on some things, letting it stew so to speak.

I’ll post a newer revision sometime when I feel better about it.

Thanks for the detailed information. I’ll use it. I don’t get my hopes up, though. I’ve entered competitions before and I’ve never once so much as even placed. “Kill the Person Next to You” was once beaten by scripts with titles like “Mime Cop” and  “The Bottom of the Laundry Basket.” So you can see why I don’t get excited anymore.

Quoted from Breanne Mattson “Mime Cop”

Are you kidding???  That's brilliant!!!

You never stood a chance...

It may very well be brilliant, Bert. I suppose you’ll get to see it in the theater one day, after which it may become a nationwide phenomenon.

the new logline is very very nice. I'm not sure how it well it describes the script as I haven't read it yet but it's next in line after wilburs dining. I've been slow with getting to scripts so far as I've been busy with school but I'm excited for this. But yes, the logline is now alot more appealing and will give people a good idea of what's going on. I will post a review when I'm done
-Matt

Okay, scratch that last post, I got to reading the beginning now and well, I'm going to finish it since I have time. As with all my reviews I type as I read so I'll just point out everything that I enjoy and don't enjoy and then sum it all up at the end.

Spoilers Throughout
Here we go

--I like the line where the detective asks the guy to come out. I laughed out loud at that part

--pg 12: the dialogue between Myrna and Harold seems off. I think the wife swearing seems unnecessary and out of character which is weird since she's only just been introduced. Maybe that's just me but it just doesn't seem like the right kind of dialogue.

--that part is disguisting with the spikes and the raping. If that is true then just.. yuck. haha and if not then I guess you have a knack for coming up with stories that disturb me  

--your descriptions are very good. I can picture everything with the grasshopper scene. No complaints so far. It is very weird but, I like weirdness in my scripts as long as everything is backed up so hopefully you don't let me down.

--Hmmm... I feel bad that I'm on page 40 and I don't really have anything to say. So far it's flowing nicely and the trips are explained well. I can tell some things are out of order with the psychiatrist deal and the coma person at the beginning. I'm also wondering what Julia and Trevor have to do with it but yeah, once again no complaints at this point.

--oh pg 41 and the tripping teens meet Trevor and Julia haha. I guess that is a good thing. It seems that right when I was thinking 'how does it tie together' it starts. A sign of good pacing right there.

--i was confusing with the flashback with rachel. Was the white power supposed to show that she had done drugs or something? she didn't appear too freaked out if that was the case, maybe she only just tasted it or something? is that what you were implying? She speaking normal so this scene kind of confused me

--Hmmmm I will admit I am getting a little confused right after Yellow eyes kills Trevor but as long as it's explained later that's not a bad thing. Just pointing it out.

--Okay, so I just finished this and I don't really know what to say that hasn't been said it.
It's original and very well written. I feel like such an idiot spending 80 bucks on script writing software when you formatted all this yourself as it's perfect.

Anyway, I have a few questions. What is with the beginning? I don't think I fully understand the man at the beginning and what he saw. Maybe I missed something big but yeah. Secondly, the ending did confuse me. I really don't know who was real now in the script. It was implied that Rachel was the only real one but now I'm not sure about Trevor and Julia. Ah heck... In fact I am confused about alot but I appear to be the only one. I mean it made sense in some parts and I can tell that there is some meaning to this as I get the main idea but I don't think I'm peicing it all together 100 percent. If you don't want to explain your story on this thread could you please PM? I'd like to know exactly what was going on to piece all this together. I'll definetly give it another read and try to work out some things myself but I wanted to give you some initial feedback after my first read
end spoilers

So, I am glad I got around to reading this. You are a very creative and original writer and although the story didn't make total sense to me I can tell that that is more of a fault on my part and not yours. I liked this one, and will read it again and like everyone else it's a good reccomended read. Sorry if my feedback wasn't that helpful. I didn't notice anything particulary wrong so there's no suggestions to really fix anything. I'm just telling you I enjoyed it I guess

-Matt

Quoted from sfpunk I'd like to know exactly what was going on to piece all this together.

Hey SF,

Thanks for reading. I’m not surprised you found it confusing. I get that reaction a lot.

This script is both a script and a puzzle. To try to explain it, I first have to point out a few trademarks of my writing.

1) I use a lot of symbolism. Everything means something or represents something and sometimes ethereal things.

2) There’s almost always a pregnant woman or a baby somewhere in all my scripts. On the positive side, the pregnancy/baby always represents life, or the cycle of life, renewal, immortality, indestructibility, or triumph. On the negative side, a baby’s death or demise represents the death of all life, decay, nonexistence, or impending doom.

3) There’s always a depressed or suicidal character who is maladjusted and has difficulty in public. Oftentimes, there’s a particular scene where that character is invited into public by associates and refuses even though he/she really wants to go.

4) There’s always a main character who falls or is broken.

5) There’s almost always a sage character who refuses to resort to violence.

6) There’s almost always a character who crosses the line and becomes violent.


With that said, the following spoilers literalize the script and could destroy the feel of the experience so for those who enjoy experiential stories, you may want to avoid the following:

Sorry. I’m going to have to break this up over a few posts.

***SPOILERS GALORE***

The best way to break it down is in three categories; real, mixed between real and hallucination, and detached from reality. The characters progress (or regress if you want) from real to the inability to tell real from hallucination. And in Yellow Eyes’ case, complete detachment.

REAL

All the characters were real. Contrary to the interpretation of some, this was written with the intention that all characters were real people. And yes, the timeline is manipulated.

In the opening scene: the park maintenance man worked for Trevor. Trevor was a former park maintenance man who was promoted to a supervisory position. That is why the old man mentions calling Trevor and having him clean up the mess himself. Trevor, however was already in the park dead.

At first, the old man thought the body in the road was an animal. As he got closer, he saw a second body and realized they were human. Remember there were three people who were down near the gate, Rachel, Julia, and Yellow Eyes.

MIXED BETWEEN REAL AND HALLUCINATION

The four teens were real people. The flashback of Rachel with the cocaine was to show that Rachel’s involvement with drugs started and a very young age. And to reinforce how she ended up being an eighteen year old who suffered from mental illness with hallucinations.

Yellow Eyes also had torturous memories. He struggled with a sexuality dysfunction as the result of a prior molestation. When he saw the homosexual behavior between Mud Boy and Birdie, it triggered his deepest, most repressed memories.

I should note here the importance of music to the story. Music is extremely important to young people during formative years, especially teen years. The teenager’s room (or womb) is a safe haven where a teen can instantaneously simplify the world around him/her. This is why so many teens go to their rooms, shut the door, and crank up music. It is how they shut out the world around them and enter the world they know. I simply could not write a script with teens for main characters without including this paramount component of teen life.

Yellow Eyes’ smashing his guitar symbolized the destruction of something of paramount importance to him. It showed his repressed rage, his willingness to cross the line, and his growing inability to control it.

As the drugs took greater effect, the characters increasingly lost the ability to tell whether what was happening was real or not.

One earlier poster was correct that Trevor and Julia symbolized the effect of a non-participant dragging reality into a high - party poopers, so to speak. They helped show what was real versus what the characters saw in their hallucinogenic states.

COMPLETE DETACHMENT

At some point, the character Yellow Eyes, completely lost touch with reality altogether. In his rage and confusion, he murdered all the other characters.

It’s important to understand the progression into madness that Yellow Eyes went through. The murder scenes with Birdie, Mud Boy, and Trevor fall into the Mixed category but the murder scenes with Rachel and Julia fall into the detached category.

The scenes of Yellow Eyes as a magician is actually Rachel and Julia’s murder scenes. And Julia’s baby (the rabbit), by the way. The scene where Rachel goes into the box and disappears symbolized that Rachel (remember that Rachel and Yellow Eyes previously  indulged each other’s hallucinations) was no longer responsive. She was dead.

The scene with Julia in the box symbolized Yellow Eyes cutting her up. The scene with the dead rabbit was Yellow Eyes discovering the baby in Julia’s womb. This was how Yellow Eyes was seeing the actual events. He could no longer effectively tell the truth from his hallucinations. He had effectively gone mad.

From this point on, what is real and what was not was subjective because we’re no longer dealing with a sane person. The priest from his childhood became the devil of his delusion. He tortured Yellow Eyes the same way the memory had tortured him his whole life, only now the devil had the power to make anything real to Yellow Eyes.

Incidentally, the ending scene is not necessarily Rachel and the whole thing was not necessarily all a dream as some had assumed. It could be Rachel in a real situation out of sequence. Or it could be that Yellow Eyes was no longer himself. The devil had told him that each time he awakened, he would only wake up to a new hell. Also, Yellow Eyes had deduced that the dreamer was a shape-changer. He then deduced that Rachel was the dreamer. However, Rachel was not the shape-changer in the story. It was Yellow Eyes who had the power to change shape in the story.


IN CONCLUSION

I hope this little “explanation” enhances the story for you and doesn’t detract from it. It really is meant to be experiential more so than analyzed. However, there is a method to the madness.